To not want to see cute baby pics

[Tevion28]

I dont think people understand how traumatic it can be to have never had your 2nd dc and end up depressed and these people know the effect its had on your life but think its okay to triumphantly announce births to you and pics of the new arrival.

You need professional help to count your blessings.

I'm about to have fertility treatment in hopes of having DC2, but if it's unsuccessful I won't react like you. That's because I had IVF for DC1 so I know how lucky I am. You don't feel your good luck, and that's a real shame. For your DC, your sister, and especially for you.

Sorry you feel like this but you can’t ignore the fact other children are born and relatives are proud of them . I was ttc unsuccessfully when other relatives announced pregnancy’s but I just put on a brave face , and eventually had my own children , you are lucky to have one , some folk aren’t so lucky

I think you know YABU - you can't shut out all of the babies all of the time but YANBU to find it hard. It's awful. It's incredibly primal. I have so many people on mute on social media because I don't want to see their baby. Including especially SiL .

You need to look at strategies to cope with this. Xx

I have/had secondary infertility. I've accepted I have one now. It had been very painful at times but I'm so lucky to have a child at all and it's really wonderful for those people to have their children. We all have struggles that other people don't always know about. I agree that Mother's Day, Father's Day messages can be equally horrible for people. I've stopped posting most things like that on social media partially because of this but was definitely guilty of that in the past. X

I think you respond with ‘congratulations’ and a polite comment.

I thought I couldn’t have another and was almost resigned to having one, when the fertility issues were unexpectedly resolved. But those years of TTC baby no.2 (upsetting and painful as they were) didn’t stop me congratulating friends on having their 2nd or 3rd child, I still enjoyed seeing baby photos and got excited for friends when they announced pregnancies. My friends knew we were TTC and close friends knew why it wasn’t happening, but I’m glad they didn’t cut me out of the important events in their lives like the birth of a child!

I think you need to separate your sadness from their joy, and try to be happy for them.

So many people can’t have any children, or have repeated losses, or are going through multiple IVF attempts, or have secondary infertility. They still hear of pregnancies and births, see photos, meet the children of family and friends. Nobody would think bad of them if they asked not to see baby photos or be included in celebrations, especially if they were still coming to terms with it or feeling raw pain. But if they wanted to avoid other people’s children (or second children) altogether, forever, never meeting or acknowledging the child, I’m not sure how they could stay within the social circle long term.

In our group of friends most of us have one or two, some have no children (by choice or due to infertility), I can only think of 2 families with 3+ children. Having one seems to be the average amongst our group, though having an age gap of 5+ years isn’t uncommon either.

@Tevion28

I lived next door to my sister for years but my nieces never come to say hello when they visited my sister it used to make me feel awful. My point is that I don't really see that I have involvement or a family through my sister hence no involvement in her grandchildren either.

At what age does the child switch from a trigger whose very presence is traumatic for you to a relative who's breaching a familial duty by not visiting you? If you were horrified and offended by their presence for most of the time they lived next door, of course they're not going to visit you when return home to visit their mother as adults. And I shudder to think what would happen if any of them dared bring their own young children along for such a visit...

OP, you did this to yourself. No one can undo it except you, but first, you're going to have to own it.

Unfortunately Purple has a really good point op. You’re seeing everything from your perspective and not from that of your family at all. It is as if everyone else is a prop in your life but in reality they are living, breathing people with their own mental health struggles, their own lives and their own issues. I really hope you get the therapy you need very soon.

With all due respect, this is a mental health issue and not a case of unreasonable or not. Of course your sister wasn't unreasonable to show you a photo of your grandneice/nephew. Especially as you as yourself a mother.

Please speed up getting access to professional support for your own sake.

@Tevion28

Its my sister who sent it of her grandchild not newborn about 2 months now saying I love this its so cute. The sister who knows how this episode in my life ruined me and that I only keep going for tbe grown up son I have. I have had mental health issues ever since she knows abt it all

Why can't you just be happy for your sister? I'm sure if your son had a baby she'd be happy for you Life is too short for this sort of tit for tat upset You've had a child some people have none you should embrace your family and want to be part of it, what a selfish attitude

Also. One day your son might have children. He might have more than one.

You need to be happy for others. And not see the entire world from your own prism.

It sounds like your sister and her family can't get anything right in your eyes TBH. Don't visit you or involve you: you're bitter about it. Do share good news and try and bring you into the circle: you don't want to know. You've decided you're going to be old and alone and now you're doing everything you can to make that happen.

You almost seem sad that your son is happy at university and think it's because he doesn't have siblings! Being happy at uni can be for lots of reasons which have absolutely nothing to do with being an only child!

This sounds like trauma to me and I think the people posting hurtful comments should have a rethink about how they respond.

The OP has been honest in how she feels, her mental health and has already made steps in asking for help to recover.

When someone is suffering in this way a certain amount of anger, resentment, bitterness is actually self protection.

OP I hope your appointments go well and really wish you all the best, there are people who can help you see things in a clearer light-

Hi OP, I do understand where you are coming from. My first daughter died late in pregnancy and in the weeks and months following her death I couldn't bear to see announcements or scan photos or anything to do with babies or pregnancy. I would sit and seethe with anger and jealousy except it wasn't really, it was grief and pain so awful I just didn't know what to do with it. I went on to have my second daughter the following year. I made the decision myself that I wouldn't have more children as I couldn't bear the thought of going through pregnancy again and living with the worry that it could all go away at any moment. I still find announcements hard. I mute or unfollow anything I find particularly triggering. I have come to accept that this is what life has handed me and for the sake of myself and my daughter I have to live the best life I can and be happy for those around me.

YANBU to find it hard. But you do have to come to a place of acceptance. Those feelings of envy won't serve you well.

The thing is that I can almost guarantee OP was happy to share news/photos of her child when he was born. I’m sure she had friends/relatives who found that hard - but I wonder if any of them tried to totally dampen OP’s happiness? But OP seems to have expected her friends and family to pussy foot around her for nearly 20 years. Her nieces don’t visit because they’ve probably been made to feel incredibly awkward for all this time for even existing.

@Tevion28

I had horrendous symptoms from the pof as well as dealing with not been able to have a 2nd dc. It broke my heart to know I would never ever experience pregnancy and childbirth again in my lifetime I felt old before my time it was horrible.

Don’t you realise that lots of people, me included never get to experience that at all, ever?

You’re very self indulgent to be so wrapped up in ‘only’ having one child.

I would give anything to have one child and don’t have that option, yes it’s hard every time a new pregnancy is announced and a baby is born but I say ‘congratulations’ and smile even when I’m hurting inside.

My hurt doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate their happiness, I think your reaction is completely unreasonable.

OP POF is awful. I was already going into it when we started IVF when I was 35 which was why it never worked. I do sympathise. However when my brother told me his partner was pregnant I felt nothing but joy. My nephew has just become a teenager and there are no words to describe how special he is to me. I guess what I am saying is letting yourself get to know your extended family might bring you real joy.

I also agree with pp that you need professional help to let go of these feelings,

Yesterday 21:17 Blondiney

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.“

Sorry but that’s a horrible term to use for your niece/nephew.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Yesterday 21:17 Blondiney

Single, childless and in my 40s when DSIL bombarded me with triumphant pics of her spawn. I cried for a week.“

Sorry but that’s a horrible term to use for your niece/nephew.

Can we stop with the faux outrage here? It was clearly said for effect to emphasis how rubbish they were feeling. I’m absolutely sure they love their niece/nephew to bits. My sister often refers to her own children as the devils spawn.

I refer to my DD as the hell spawn all the time.

It’s not faux. I think that’s a horrible way to feel about a sibling’s child.

@MrsSkylerWhite

It’s not faux. I think that’s a horrible way to feel about a sibling’s child.

You have never heard anyone refer to their OWN child as a little shit/hell spawn/fucking nightmare etc?

No 🤷‍♀️