Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

162 replies

OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 13:27

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 10/10/2021 13:31

No YANBU and he is a CF. The flip side you can show him is if he sticks to 50% child and home related duties he also has to stump up 50% of mortgage/bill/food/childcare payments. He can't have it both ways.

LemonTT · 10/10/2021 13:36

It’s quite a loaded question to ask on MN. It’s not that unusual an arrangement for some families but of course it is usually the mother who works PT in this way.

It’s an option but it needs to work for you both in terms of breadwinner and home maker roles. Plus it needs to be considered in terms of the whole relationship. Couples subsidise each other’s ambitions over the course of a marriage. His aspirations are a risk but so was s business start up.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what other people think. You both have to find common ground

Hankunamatata · 10/10/2021 13:37

I would expect him to do:

  • All childcare those days
  • clean the entire house
  • make sure laundry is done
  • home works are done
  • packlunches made and uniforms laid out.
Basically he needs to do 75% of household stuff and carrying mental load.
Hankunamatata · 10/10/2021 13:39

Just re read - I work 2.5 days while dh works full time BECAUSE I have several dc with additional needs that have multiple.m appintments and therapys. He is totally unreasonable to want 2.5 days and not taken over dc appintments and therapy. It's why I went pt

Booboosweet · 10/10/2021 13:40

I think if he's only working pt and you're working ft then he should do all the drop offs and pick ups. Weekends should be 50 - 50

badgerswitharms · 10/10/2021 13:40

I work part time. I do more of the homework/housework. I cannot see how else it is fair.

Leftphalange · 10/10/2021 13:41

I would expect him to do more than half. I worked part time for years and my husband full time, I did most (but not all) housework, household administration, ordering shopping etc.

lordofthethighs · 10/10/2021 14:03

Haha, that is outrageous. So he wants you to subsidise him being able to do whatever the fuck he wants for half the week and also sort out the kids to enable this too. What would happen if you also decided that you were going to work part time and act as if the kids don't belong to you during your pre-determined free time off from all responsibilities?

MadeOfStarStuff · 10/10/2021 14:04

YANBU

the part time working parent generally does more of the childcare especially. He can’t expect you to shoulder the burden both financially and practically just so he can pursue his hobby

VioletVesper · 10/10/2021 14:09

YANBU at all and your husband sounds incredibly selfish if he believes his proposal is fair.

BathMatToe · 10/10/2021 14:11

How does he think this is fair?
Does his job pay the same as yours part time as you get full time in yours so he thinks of it like that?
The kids are still going to be in full time nursery? So what 8am-5pm?
While he potters about refusing to do anything kid related?

BathMatToe · 10/10/2021 14:14

Surely all the kids appointments should be done on his days off wherever possible songs takes them. Otherwise is he expecting you to take time off?
Weird

StrawberrySquash · 10/10/2021 14:15

It’s quite a loaded question to ask on MN. It’s not that unusual an arrangement for some families but of course it is usually the mother who works PT in this way.

But then the mother tends to do more of the house/kids stuff. Which is fair. Husband here doesn't seem to want to pull his weight.

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 14:16

YANBU

Your astonishingly entitled DH is about to become your very own cocklodger.

Totally fair enough to go part time. Outrageous to announce that this is purely to facilitate his hobbies & that he will not be a parent or pick up more than 50% of child/house chores.

And he expects the DC to stay FT in nursery - so FT costs, but he is now on a PT wage?

Nah, you are being set up OP.
Be very, very wary of his "back to work FT in due course" bullshit ...

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/10/2021 14:17

@LemonTT

It’s quite a loaded question to ask on MN. It’s not that unusual an arrangement for some families but of course it is usually the mother who works PT in this way.

It’s an option but it needs to work for you both in terms of breadwinner and home maker roles. Plus it needs to be considered in terms of the whole relationship. Couples subsidise each other’s ambitions over the course of a marriage. His aspirations are a risk but so was s business start up.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what other people think. You both have to find common ground

Mothers usually do so for the children not to pursue their own hobbies! He wants to do so for benefit to himself not the family what a prize YANBU
wineandroses1 · 10/10/2021 14:17

Wow. CF alert. He is completely unreasonable. So you work full time, he goes half time but picks up none of the additional childcare, house work etc as he clearly sees that as your job even though he is stepping down so he can do hobbies? Bloody hobbies? My response would be hahahahaha.

devildeepbluesea · 10/10/2021 14:18

Good lord. If my DH showed me like this what sort of a person he is I'd honestly be questioning whether I like him any more, let alone love him.

Some people.

Orgasmagorical · 10/10/2021 14:21

Oktober, you could ask him if you were to cut your hours so drastically would he not expect you to do more in the family home?

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

That tells me his fun times and calling as a writer Hmm are so much more important to him than being a husband and a father Flowers

ittakes2 · 10/10/2021 14:23

What? How selfish I am sorry. I would say - if you want to keep the childcare status quo then we should also keep our working situation status quo. Lets keep the status quo for everything as it seems to be working.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2021 14:34

yes of course you are.

He wants the benefits of dropping down but nothing else

BathMatToe · 10/10/2021 14:36

I agree with poster saying be wary of his return to full time work.
It'll never happen.

Why can't he pick up the kids and drop off a on his days off and half day? Or are you wanting him to do all 5 days?

Original poster
OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 14:39

Thank you all! He sounded so sure of himself that I started to doubt myself.

I earn more and his PT wage wouldn’t cover even half of childcare fees so I would be subsiding him massively.

I have tried to be supportive and really wouldn’t expect him to do everything, but this does feel like he’d be taking advantage.

OP posts:
Underamour · 10/10/2021 14:39

If you are working ft 40 hours pkus say 20 hours childcare and he is working 20 hours and 20 hours childcare then you are doing 20 more hours work than him a week. YANBU.

Original poster
OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 14:40

Definitely not expecting him to do 100%. Honestly if he could do 60% (especially appointments on days off so ai don’t have to take time off work) that would go a long way.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/10/2021 14:47

So you would also take a massive financial hit - how do you share finances.

Nothing in this sounds fair - if he drops down to 2.5 days then childcare surely should fall on him (like it does for most part time workers myself included)