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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

162 replies

OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 13:27

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2021 10:47

Hugely taken advantage of, if you agree to this.

Of course it affects you - he’s expecting you to carry more of the financial burden. He needs to take some of the other stuff off you in return - childcare, appointments, mental load. If one partner is working part time, they should be expecting to do all the kids’ medical appointments and all nursery drop offs as an absolute minimum, not expect the full time working parent ti take days off and rush about to nursery.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/10/2021 10:48

And I agree with what everyone says about appearing to be the main parent if you divorce- which you will if something like this happens

Amiwronghere · 11/10/2021 11:38

I would absolutely lose attraction for someone who wanted to put me in this position, honestly.

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2021 11:45

@StrawberrySquash

It’s quite a loaded question to ask on MN. It’s not that unusual an arrangement for some families but of course it is usually the mother who works PT in this way.

But then the mother tends to do more of the house/kids stuff. Which is fair. Husband here doesn't seem to want to pull his weight.

Well, quite. When has mumsnet seen a mother who demands to work part time and keep the kids in childcare and pay less to the family and not contribute extra in housework and childcare so she can fuck around doing a hobby!!

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2021 11:49

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

And that’s not completely wrong if he keeps paying into family finances at the same amount. He’s not proposing that! Why would you stress yourself out trying to perform at work while carving time out for dc appts etc so he can focus on his HOBBY? Is this a new view of him op? Has he always been so self centred?

TurquoiseDragon · 11/10/2021 11:54

@fuckoffImcounting

He is an entitled lazy arsehole. Be very careful he does not pursue this cocklodging lifestyle as he can set himself up as fake prime carer - in the event of the inevitable divorce because you will resent him so much he will have rendered himself unfuckable, he will want you to pay maintenance. What a cunt.

This.

I'd contemplate whether the relationship is actually any good. Because he's showing that he puts himself first instead of being part of a team.

echt · 11/10/2021 11:55

When has mumsnet seen a mother who demands to work part time and keep the kids in childcare and pay less to the family and not contribute extra in housework and childcare so she can fuck around doing a hobby

I was just about to post the same. I've been on MN for yonks and can't think of a single instance ever, when a woman has proposed cutting down on work to pursue a hobby.

JuneFromBethesda · 11/10/2021 11:58

@badgerswitharms

I work part time. I do more of the homework/housework. I cannot see how else it is fair.

Ditto

MattyGroves · 11/10/2021 11:58

@echt

I was just about to post the same. I've been on MN for yonks and can't think of a single instance ever, when a woman has proposed cutting down on work to pursue a hobby.

I have actually seen a few posts from SAHMs or women on maternity leave asking about some days of childcare so that they can have "me time" which is basically the same.

QforCucumber · 11/10/2021 12:00

But he is proposing you do the same as you do now, but pay more into the pot to subsidise him?

Whereas he is proposing to reduce not only his financial input but also his physical one too.

I have 2 kids, I'd bloody kill for 2 days to myself to pursue whatever the hell I wanted - he needs to realise that's not how it works, for anyone, ever.

MattyGroves · 11/10/2021 12:02

I think the way I would try and explain it to him is that his proposition is that you take on more financially while he doesn't take on more domestically. The status quo shouldn't change for only one of you in only one direction

echt · 11/10/2021 12:03

I have actually seen a few posts from SAHMs or women on maternity leave asking about some days of childcare so that they can have "me time" which is basically the same

No it isn't. Read the OP's OP.

echt · 11/10/2021 12:05

@SprayedWithDettol

What about the bigger picture OP. How is his pension going to be affected? If you split, what is the implication for you? This might sound like scaremongering but he sounds selfish and selfish men end up divorced.

This.

He'll have access to your pension.

FrenchBoule · 11/10/2021 12:06

Everybody else said it.

You’re being set up OP.

Do not agree to this, if he forces his way then part your ways so he’s not presenting himself as primary carer (and awarded maintenance from you) and does FA regarding work/housework/children while you run yourself into the ground.

Be very wary and don’t trust his words. He has no qualms about fucking you over financially and mentally.

I work part time and have non verbal DS in primary school. The mental load is absolutely daunting with all appointments/admin to follow and I’m always behind with housework(sometimes just too worn out).

Kudos to you for working FT and holding everything together. You are an awesome,strong woman 💐

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2021 12:08

@MattyGroves those mums do nearly everything in the house and for the family, they are asking for childcare so they don’t have to do everything with children 100% of the the time! This guy said he refuses to pick up anything else around the house or for the family, I’ve NEVER seen a woman want that on Mumsnet.

Kiduknot · 11/10/2021 12:13

So you’d still be doing 60% as you are now but he thinks he will be doing 50%.
So he actually wants to continue with the 40% as us now? Yes right!

Shizen · 11/10/2021 12:16

@MattyGroves

This is a brilliant and very succinct way to describe it.

If you put it him like this OP, and he still tries to argue that it is somehow fair, he is either not very bright, or a selfish misogynist, or both.

Sexnotgender · 11/10/2021 12:31

I have 2 kids, I'd bloody kill for 2 days to myself to pursue whatever the hell I wanted - he needs to realise that's not how it works, for anyone, ever.

I know! Can you imagine? It’d be glorious, and someone else picking up the slack financially! Score.

YANBU at all OP.

50/50 is fine as long as everything is split in the same way and you both get equal leisure time.

So come the weekend he’s already had his leisure time obviously so it’s your turn to have 2 child free days.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 11/10/2021 12:32

Based on his response, I would say then it's a hard no to him going PT as that won't work for the family.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 11/10/2021 12:33

No way! If he's unhappy at work then tell him to find another job now. What does "in due course" even mean for finding another job? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? You could be subsidising him forever OP. I would only consider this for my partner if he was dropping days to take on more of the childcare/housework/admin, not to pursue hobbies.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 11/10/2021 12:34

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

But why should you do that when you will be working twice as many hours as him? If he drops his hours then he picks up more of the other chores.

No way I’d agree to him dropping his hours and doing the same as he was before. Not unless he drops one day and you drop one day and you both keep the same chores. That would be fairer.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 11/10/2021 12:34

You know how it will go; he's shown you by his answer who he is: he wants to do a minimal amount of work, he wants you to pick up the slack financially, and he doesn't want to make up for his loss of income and increase in personal time by doing more at home or for the children.

I'd say no and make it clear you think it will be the start of the end of the relationship as you know he's not going to pull his weight at home. He's told you so.

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2021 12:38

He’s just gotten tired of pulling his weight basically and wants to jump off the family’s wagon a few days a week and leave you to keep pulling. Seriously.

babydungarees · 11/10/2021 12:44

With all due respect, I’d tell him to fuck off.

waterrat · 11/10/2021 12:47

I work PT (demanding senior level job with lots of ongoing stress that occupies my mind outside work hours) and do most pick ups from school as I'm physically around more

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