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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

162 replies

OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 13:27

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/10/2021 20:55

OP,

Please be very wary of this.

YANBU and are at huge risk of being taken advantage of.

A long hard think is required.

Flowers
ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MyothercarisaCozyCoupe · 10/10/2021 21:26

Nope, not jealous or drunk either. The word 'ponce' is horrible and offensive so it is was jarring in a post that (I think) was meant to make her DH look noble.

MyothercarisaCozyCoupe · 10/10/2021 21:28

But hey, let's not worry too much about the definitions of the words we use, it's Mumsnet so we can just call someone a twat if they question us.

Sorry Op, not trying to derail your thread. I think your DH is definitely being unreasonable.

BathMatToe · 10/10/2021 23:00

I think if he wants to go part time etc then he keeps the same contribution financially that he's doing now. He can drop hours but the choice is that he takes the financial hit himself.
I'd think it pretty ridiculous that the full time worker take time off work to take dc to appointments. While he's sat doing a hobby.
What hours are the nursery days?

Shizen · 11/10/2021 07:49

@OktoberFest did he actually have any reasoning for why he thinks his proposed set up is fair and ok?

I feel quite incensed on your behalf (and the behalf of all women really) that this blatant misogyny is obviously still so prevalent that husbands think it’s ok to basically blatantly tell their wives “you will care for the children, home AND fund my lifestyle, and that’s fine because that’s just the way it is” 😢

Idony · 11/10/2021 08:42

What a prize. Wants to quit work for hobbies and refuse to pick up the kids

Advise him that in the event of divorce he'll be doing a full 50%, all meals and pickups during that time, leaving him far less time for writing nerd stories.

Original poster
OktoberFest · 11/10/2021 08:42

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/10/2021 08:47

OP, now you know how he thinks.

You ARE being taken advantage of.

How is your marriage, honestly?

If its not great, this is the time to separate.

Be very wary of accepting this if your marriage is not in a good place.

As other posters have said, he could reasonably apply for primary carer despite not being that.

Flowers
LannieDuck · 11/10/2021 09:18

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
It makes a difference if you're paying a higher proportion of the household bills than you are now. Or is he proposing to continue paying what he pays now?
LannieDuck · 11/10/2021 09:22

@OktoberFest

We pay for joint things (mortgage, childcare etc) in proportion to our earnings…
In that case, I suggest you split the housework and childcare in proportion to your time.

At the moment you both work 5 days a week, and have 2 days off. So you split the chores 50:50.

But if he drops his hours then:
You'd work 5 days a week, and have 2 days off - so you take 2/7 of the chores.
He'd work 3 days a week, and has 4 days off - means he takes 4/7 of the chores.

So you'd do 1/3rd and he'd do 2/3rds.

If he doesn't want to do extra chores when he has extra time, maybe you no longer want to pay extra bills when you have a higher income? You could reset the whole balance to 50:50 on childcare/chores and bills.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/10/2021 09:43

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
But you'll need to work more to cover what bills he isn't paying surely? You won't be able to afford to take time off for all the appts etc.

Tbh if he quits, I'd book the appts for his day off and tell him when it is and that you are working. If he refuses to take them when it's an actual thing not a theoretical discussion, that would be a deal breaker for me

Newmum29 · 11/10/2021 09:56

Nonsense. You need to make sure appointments are scheduled on his days off. That’s just sensible. We do the same.

Shizen · 11/10/2021 10:01

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
@OktoberFest but that (very weak & problematic) reasoning only holds up if he is planning to maintain his financial contribution at the same level that he is now… is that his plan? Or is he expecting to reduce what he contributes financially towards said childcare too?

Otherwise this change absolutely does a make difference to you both short and long term, as that monetary shortfall has to come from somewhere! And that somewhere is likely to be you earning more, or saving less, both of which DO very obviously impact you

Shizen · 11/10/2021 10:06

As a previous poster said - things can either be split proportionally, but that means everything has to be split proportionally (monetary contribution, childcare, etc).

Or things can be split 50:50. Which means he has to find 50% to contribute to the bills, and he has to do a true 50% of the childcare, & if he can do all that while only working 2.5 days a week then “theoretically” that’s fine. (I doubt he can do that, & even if he can - the reality is you’ll get so resentful of this set up & likely divorce him in which case he’ll have to do 50% of it all anyway).

Energy4You · 11/10/2021 10:09

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
Well no it doesn’t. You’ll have less money between you so that will have an impact on you. He’ll get much more time for himself which is unfair.

So no that’s not ‘not making any difference to you’ at all.

Whatwentwronghere · 11/10/2021 10:16

Wtaf.

He's willingly making your life harder and adding pressure to you, so he can make his life easier and more relaxing.

Please do not agree to that. That would be a marriage breaker for me.

Dotell · 11/10/2021 10:25

He must think you are a mug to even think of this. To then discuss and argue it with you... Unbelievable

Hogwarts4Christmas · 11/10/2021 10:28

Do not agree to this....he is completely out of order and being extremely selfish and he knows it.

He's just hoping you won't realise or be strong enough to say 'NO'.

It will keep getting worse if you allow this too. You'll start to resent him being so lazy and then he's set himself up as main carer (in eyes of others), even though he isn't so that if you separate you'll end up supporting him for the foreseeable.

ChargingBuck · 11/10/2021 10:37

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
OK, so how does he feel about staying full time while YOU go PT? And you also drop your childcare to 50% (explaining that you already do 60%+, despite his own reckoning)?

I'd like to hear him tell you all the reasons that this would be unfair.

BananaPB · 11/10/2021 10:37

What does he do on his days off or after work when the kids are in bed? Is he one of those cf with a hobby that takes up all weekend?

I'd be telling him that if he cuts down his hours, he will be having the kids on his days off. He will be doing appointments on his days off. If you are feeling generous then have your child in nursery 3 days and him do appointments but he maintains his current contribution.

BananaPB · 11/10/2021 10:38

If you do this the please put a limit on the time like 3 months. You don't want to be funding this bollocks forever and if you split up he'll be getting maintenance from you as he's main parent with a low income on paper

girlmom21 · 11/10/2021 10:41

@BananaPB

If you do this the please put a limit on the time like 3 months. You don't want to be funding this bollocks forever and if you split up he'll be getting maintenance from you as he's main parent with a low income on paper
The problem is once she's agreed to it there's nothing she can do. She can't force him back into full time work after 3 months if he doesn't fancy it.
WildfirePonie · 11/10/2021 10:41

I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

There is going to be a difference in the amount of money he brings home, so that will make a difference.

Can you do this alone OP?

I couldn't stand for that. I'd have to get rid of him or i'd be eaten alive with resentment.

SprayedWithDettol · 11/10/2021 10:45

What about the bigger picture OP. How is his pension going to be affected? If you split, what is the implication for you? This might sound like scaremongering but he sounds selfish and selfish men end up divorced.