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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

162 replies

OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 13:27

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 14:54

We pay for joint things (mortgage, childcare etc) in proportion to our earnings…

OP posts:
pelosi · 10/10/2021 14:58

He is a wannabe cocklodger. Say no, OP.

Don’t even trust him that he’ll do more childcare, just say no.

rrhuth · 10/10/2021 15:01

You are being taken advantage of.

No idea how you deal with it, but wouldn't we all love to have our kids in childcare in order to 'write' etc?

My DH works fewer hours than me - but he does all the home stuff on those days, and anything to do with the kids. When I was at home, I did all the childcare.

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 15:02

@OktoberFest

Thank you all! He sounded so sure of himself that I started to doubt myself.

I earn more and his PT wage wouldn’t cover even half of childcare fees so I would be subsiding him massively.

I have tried to be supportive and really wouldn’t expect him to do everything, but this does feel like he’d be taking advantage.

Please don't doubt yourself.

Also ... given the level of selfishness & entitlement here - please also be very wary that he isn't setting himself up as the de facto "prime parent" (without the actual arseache of parenting!) in order to deliberate position you as the significantly higher earner who might have to pay maintenance to the lesser earner in the event of divorce.

Sorry to make such a doomy pronouncement!
But something is telling me this is the thin end of the wedge.
And his only justification so far is "I don't like working, & I don't want to do my fair share of parenting."
IE "It's fine to expect my wife to carry on working FT, while also taking care of the kids while I swan around doing hobbies."

It's not a good look. Are you going to go along with him OP, or protest until he gets it?

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 15:04

@OktoberFest

We pay for joint things (mortgage, childcare etc) in proportion to our earnings…
Oh dear.

And when he deliberately scuppers his earnings, will he expect his financial contribution to drop accordingly?

He thinks you are a mug OP. And his skivvy.

Maskless · 10/10/2021 15:14

He has ambitions to become a cocklodger.

Underamour · 10/10/2021 15:14

A good way to show him is using visual cues eg books so you can show him what your workload looks like and what his looks like and then be honest that over time, you being forced to do the majority of the work will lead to resentment and harm the relationship. Which, it will.

nancybotwinbloom · 10/10/2021 15:17

*DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.
*
This isn't how this should be working in an equal relationship. If he wants a different job writing then he needs to pursue these opportunities in his spare time. To see if he can actually make a living from it. Then drop maybe a day a week to pursue said opportunities.

Not just Jack his job in because he doesn't like it and expect you to carry him indefinitely with no extra help with the responsibilities you have at home.

Bookworm20 · 10/10/2021 15:17

So you’ll also end up paying more towards everything if it’s worked out in proportion to earnings?
Ummm no.
He is taking advantage big time.
He’s putting more financial pressure on you and not even alleviating any of it by taking some of the childcare and household burden off you.
He’s literally having his cake and eating it. Not only that he’s expecting you to cook the fucking cake for him!
Goodness knows how you’re going to stand up to this OP, but best of luck. Perhaps leave a dictionary open with the word ‘partnership’ highlighted.

mumofone2019 · 10/10/2021 15:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

fuckoffImcounting · 10/10/2021 15:26

He is an entitled lazy arsehole. Be very careful he does not pursue this cocklodging lifestyle as he can set himself up as fake prime carer - in the event of the inevitable divorce because you will resent him so much he will have rendered himself unfuckable, he will want you to pay maintenance. What a cunt.

Polkadots2021 · 10/10/2021 15:45

Omg he is having a laugh OP.

nancybotwinbloom · 10/10/2021 15:47

@fuckoffImcounting

He is an entitled lazy arsehole. Be very careful he does not pursue this cocklodging lifestyle as he can set himself up as fake prime carer - in the event of the inevitable divorce because you will resent him so much he will have rendered himself unfuckable, he will want you to pay maintenance. What a cunt.
How long would he need to have reduced hours etc in order that he would get Maintenence if they did eventually split up?

The maintenance comment from the above poster is really something to think about!

BoxOfDreams · 10/10/2021 15:53

So he wants to work part time but only do 50% childcare. How does his tiny entitled brain justify that?

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2021 15:53

If he was my husband I'd laugh him off the planet, cheeky fucker!

This is basically semi-retirement and he's got 2 kids at nursery.

Nope.

purpleboy · 10/10/2021 15:54

Jesus, I bet this has been a bit of a shock for you! YANBU at all, don't slow this man to take advantage of you like that!

Therealjudgejudy · 10/10/2021 16:01

Good grief, what a selfish prick.

What part of his brain thinks this is anyway acceptable?

Would he agree to you doing the same? Doubt it...

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 16:06

No whoever works PT or is a SAHP needs to do the childcare on those days.
If you decided to be a SAHP would he still pay for nursery fees - of course not.

What would he better is if you both did 2.5 days a week on different days and then you’d have no childcare expenses.
You would probably be a lot better off doing that than him going PT and still paying FT nursery fees.

toocold54 · 10/10/2021 16:12

It sounds like he is starting to check out of family life a bit - not wanting to contribute to bills as much, not wanting to do childcare etc.

How old is he?
Could he be having a midlife crisis or something?
I can’t think of why any adult with children would think this is acceptable.

Energy4You · 10/10/2021 16:30

Sorry but yes he is a CF.

If he isn’t working, then he is responsible for the dcs
, how etc.. whilst you are at work.
When you are home THEN everything is 50/50 imo.

Carrying on paying for the full nursery when he is at home is just so that he can do his hobbies is Shock

Energy4You · 10/10/2021 16:32

One situation when I think leaving Dcs in childcare is ok is if he was studying/starting a business.

But for ‘hobbies’ aka time for himself? Nope.
I hope he isn’t also planning to ask for some time off at the weekend too!!

girlmom21 · 10/10/2021 16:48

Hobbies work around childcare, housework, earning money. The rest of your life doesn't fit in around your hobbies.

He can have his hobby time if he makes up for the lack of earnings by stepping up in other areas.

He doesn't get to opt out of earning and home life.

Shizen · 10/10/2021 16:48

Absolutely not fair. He should at minimum be doing 90% of all pick ups and drop offs, facilitating the DCs appointments (ideally on his days off) and the bulk of the house admin. I don’t personally think a stay at home parent or part time working parent then has to do ALL of the cooking, cleaning & house admin but a 70/30 split at least would be reasonable.

What justification has he given you for why he thinks it’s ok to reduce his financial contribution to the household & not pick up any of the slack elsewhere?

WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2021 16:50

If it's to be a joint decision, I would not agree to him reducing his hours under the terms he has suggested, no. We would all like 2.5 days a week to enjoy our hobbies but most of us don't have that luxury.

Shizen · 10/10/2021 16:51

Also unless it would be more beneficial for the 2 DC, I think keeping them in nursery full time when one parent is only working 2.5 days is an unnecessary expense. They could drop to 3.5 or 4 days at least which would still give him a day or so to work if he picked up some writing work