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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being taken advantage of?

162 replies

OktoberFest · 10/10/2021 13:27

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 11/10/2021 17:32

@fuckoffImcounting

He is an entitled lazy arsehole. Be very careful he does not pursue this cocklodging lifestyle as he can set himself up as fake prime carer - in the event of the inevitable divorce because you will resent him so much he will have rendered himself unfuckable, he will want you to pay maintenance. What a cunt.
100% THIS......
LittleOwl153 · 11/10/2021 17:35

We pay for joint things (mortgage, childcare etc) in proportion to our earnings…

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

So for it to have no impact on you he would need to continue to contribute to the family pot as he does now - no reduction from him. He can afford this on part time money I assume as well as the money for his hobbies?

I'd be careful OP as he is setting himself up as a kept husband requiring spousal maintenance on divorce, as well as a larger share of the marital assets which will likely include your business as of course he is home to take care of the kids especially as 1 is SEN.

(I'd be having a chat to your accountant about the business especially if it had assets.)

But it would be a hard and fast NO from me on the reduction in hours on any basis, as even if he agrees to the additional childcare etc it won't happen. And if he says he is doing it anyway then I'd be filing for divorce fast, before his new plan becomes established.

nanbread · 11/10/2021 17:36

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
Losing half of his income makes a difference to you, as a family.

Also him having lots more spare time makes a difference to you, as a family.

I can't believe how entitled he is tbh

HairyFanjoBanjo · 11/10/2021 17:38

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.
This is a HUGE fucking cheek.

Why should he get financially supported to have 2.5 days per week to do whatever the hell he wants AND pick up no extra home duties?

What if you wanted to reduce your hours by 50% and salary.. Would be be saying sure thing, I’ll pay MORE and do the same amount of effort and you can have 2.5 days a week to do your hobbies.

What a selfish prick.

FinallyHere · 11/10/2021 18:06

his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me

His reasoning is also that he take a cut his wages, have you pick up the financial slack while he gets two days to himself to do whatever, not including parenting or household responsibilities.

Nice work if you can get it.

honeylulu · 11/10/2021 19:47

Well your reasoning is that's fair enough if you are no worse off financially but if he expects you to subsidise him to get hugely more hobby/rest time than you he'll have to offer services in kind, otherwise no deal.

I'd seriously be suggesting I move out and he can cover the bills on his own and I'll have the kids EOW and pay CMS maintenance. See how he likes them apples. ( I wouldn't actually do it but I'd love him to believe I would and see his horrified face as the penny drops that you couldif you were pissed off enough.)

cptartapp · 11/10/2021 20:02

Your poor kids. He can't be arsed.
How little he must think of you all.

Bookworm20 · 12/10/2021 10:17

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

Is he really that thick? I actually think not. he knows exactly what he is doing.

He is in a position to be able to take some of the burden away from you and he is absolutely choosing not to do that.

There is no compromise on his part anywhere in this. Its like he wants to live like a single bloke, but with the benefit of someone to cook, clean, sort the kids, pay the bills and have sex with.

The mere fact that he is saying you won't be doing more is mad. No, quite possibly you won't be doing more. But he is not in any way shape or form making your life any easier AT ALL when he has the opportunity to do so. There is no balance.

I can't get my head around how anyone could actually be that selfish.

I think you need to sit him down and talk over what the split currently actually is. What you do V what he does. He needs to see this to start with. In black and white as he clearly does not get it!

And THEN you need to work all of that house/kids/everyday LIFE stuff and split it proportionately to each of your working hours. So that you are both working the same amount, be that in employment earning the money or in the house keeping things going there.

He is basically saying you have to do, for example, 40 hours paid employment and lets say 20 hours house/childcare etc. So 60 for you per week.

And he is going to do 20 hours paid employment, and 20 hours house/childcare etc, so 40 for him per week.

No Buddy. That number needs to be split evenly. OP your house/childcare needs to reduce by 10 and his increased by 10 so you are doing the same 'number of hours' each week.

Honestly what kind of man lets his wife take all the slack like that while he swans off and does what he wants?

Goldbar · 12/10/2021 10:22

An important reason why it is not going to make your life easier is because you will have less money to pay for services to do so.

If you can afford to drop this money in the first place, then why not use the money to pay for weekend childcare, takeaways, a cleaner etc. to compensate for the stuff your husband already doesn't help with?

ChargingBuck · 12/10/2021 14:59

How are you doing @OktoberFest? - & what is your thinking about DH's unequal proposal now?

LannieDuck · 12/10/2021 16:45

Ultimately, I think what you should aim for is having similar disposable incomes and a similar amount of leisure time.

Does his proposal meet that simple criteria? No... then it's unfair.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 13/10/2021 21:38

Tell him 50% is fine but you'll be cutting down your hours to only do 2.5 days a week. Which will give you time to do a hobby

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