Am I being taken advantage of?

[OktoberFest]

DH and I both work full time. Have 2 DC who go to nursery. He isn’t happy at work and wants to go part-time (2.5 days) and spend the other 2.5 days doing hobbies/bits of his work that he enjoys (writing) with a view to getting a different job in due course. So DC would stay in nursery FT.

I have said that would be ok, but I would need would expect him to pick up a bit more of the childcare, some extra pick ups or drop offs and some more of the appointment for DC with special needs, particularly as I have my own business and his income being reduced is going to put more financial pressure on me.

He said IABU and he will do no more than 50% of child related things.

I want to me helpful, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel a bit like I’m being taken advantage of if I agree. AIBU?

So he is basically saying: "No, this is about me improving my life. You don't get to improve yours."

He must have some ego to not understand how this is unreasonable.

It’s not that unusual an arrangement for some families but of course it is usually the mother who works PT in this way

I would love to see the thread where the PT working mum doesn’t also pick up the majority of the childcare.

He wants to opt out of financial responsibility AND childcare responsibility AND housework responsibility. How on earth are you even considering this OP?

I guess his suggestion could be considered as reasonable if and only if:

1. He continues to make the same amount of financial contribution to the family, so you aren't out of pocket;
2. You get an equal amount of time off from work and family duties to pursue your interests.

He sounds like all take and no give OP

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

Except that you will need to pay more for the household as he will be bringing in less.

No way I would accept this.
I work 80% but that is because I need to do school pickups etc. I mean, yes maybe 1-2h a week I have to myself, but the rest of the time is used for childcare and/or household duties. I also hold 100% of the mental load for everything related to the DC.

Maybe tell him you’ll be ok decreasing to 90% each. And make sure he understands what it would meant for the household finances.

@OktoberFest

So his reasoning is that I would still be doing the same amount of childcare as I am doing now, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

so where is the BENEFIT for you though?

He gets the benefit of 2.5 days off to persue his hobbies

Where is your equal benefit?

Because as others have pointed out, he is unlikely to want to contribute financially at the current rate

and even if he DID, its still half his income missing from the family pot, from now, into retirement. I suspect you would grow to resent him very quickly

I'm guessing that his financial contribution is actually very small, so the reduction in contribution for him isn't actually going to make that much difference and that's how he's justifying this on the basis that why should things change for you?

But OP, as you have identified, it's a slippery slope. I bet he already works fewer hours than you anyway and leave you to pick up all the slack. In his head, his "work hours" whether he's working or doing his hobby or "writing" are sacrosanct. I bet he assumes that it's easy for you to simply take time off for appointments or that you like doing it because your'e self employed?

This is what I refer to as the "sainsbury's Local Shift worker" debate.

ie if a man is the lower earner, and works at Sainsbury's Local on the checkout, should there be any need for additional family/childcare help it cannot possibly be him who does it because "I can't move my shifts" or "I can't let my manager down at short notice."

However, if the woman is the lower earner and works at Sainsbury's Local on the checkout and the need for additional family/childcare help comes up, the man will absolutely expect her to step up because it is lower paid work.

Your DH is doing the same - his work, whether paid or unpaid, is MORE important and/or less flexible than your work (according to him). This means that he thinks it is perfectly and totally reasonable to continue to prioritise whatever it is he wants, whenever he wants.

This is a hole many many families fall down. But in your case, it's particularly egregious.

I think OP the truth is you have NO idea of exactly what his real plans are going forward.

But if he goes part time what you CAN be sure of, is that YOU are very vulnerable.

Should he leave he can claim maintenance from you.
He can go after your pension too.

Someone so selfish as to suggest what he is suggesting is absolutely capable of telling a lawyer to get everything they can.

You had better not be naive as you will bitterly regret it.

You are already, doing, working and paying more.

Don't be made a bigger mug of and end up paying for the rest of your life.

Call his bluff and suggest you separate, as he clearly has zero interest in contributing to the family, but wants to live off the family.

Look at the math very carefully and be honest with yourself.
Do you want this man living off you indefinitely?

Because that appears to be his plan, one way or another.ĺ

PT perfectly reasonable for childcare.

For hobbies while DC are in paid childcare absolutely not.

For hobbies while DC are in school and he facilitates your working life by picking up more of the childcare / pick ups/drop offs and when DC ill needs to be negotiated quite carefully to make sure it's fair and you have equal access to leisure time.

Good luck.

This is awful. Stick to your guns. Is he really going to bugger off doing hobbies whilst you the main wage earner has to take time off for dc appointments?

With an attitude like this I'd refuse. If you break up you'll be subsidising his lazy lifestyle in the manner to which he's become accustomed!!!

At least when women are SAHM or PT they do all the domestic shit.

He can go part-time and he can have the kids when he's not at work. That's the deal most parents who work part-time have.

He should also be picking up more of the housework and mental load stuff, not least because he's around the house more.

Lemme get this straight -

He wants to reduce hours at work and have 2.5 days to himself during the week with no additional childcare, cleaning, cooking or general life admin.
And this would be funded by you, as you are the main earner?

HAHAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

OMG who is this man because he’s hilarious.

OP are you really having doubts if this is a piss take or not?

He wants to spend half the week doing HOBBIES whilst you graft and continue doing over half the childcare?

What a self important, lazy, entitled arsehole.

Tell him he can go part time when he can financially contribute 50% of the household bills with his part time hours.

I wouldn’t even consider trying to find a compromise here. It’s a straight no, from the very fact that he thinks this is fair I predict that he will become the ultimate CF.

I would certainly not work to support another able adult to fuck around on hobbies and definitely not if I was doing 75% of the workload and him 25%.

I think this is one of the most unanimous AIBU threads I’ve ever seen - please heed the advice OP even though I’m sure it’s been hard to read

Ugh. What a loser. Does he expect you to have sex with him too? That's given ME the Ick!

How old is your DH? He does not sound very...adult. I can imagine my (acting like a massive, entitled prick at the moment) 18 year old DS trying to argue this. And he would rightly be shot down in flames and told adult life isn't like that. Children get a leg up. Adults do not. You aren't his parent OP, you are his wife. It is not your call to 'massively subsidise' him in any way.

@OktoberFest

Current childcare he would say is 50/50 but its actually more like 60/40 (with me doing the majority)

Well stop it then!

Stop being a wet blanket

I feel like a wet blanket tbh but don’t know how to change it without the dc suffering.

What do you think will happen if you say no, unless you increase the childcare duties. Why are you afraid to do this?

@OktoberFest

I feel like a wet blanket tbh but don’t know how to change it without the dc suffering.

Do you think that one parent taking advantage of, and making the other parent feeling inferior will make your dc happy?

Your dc will do better with a strong parent, who can lead by example.

I would tell DH if he wants to go part time, he has to step up as you cannot afford for him to not work and still pay for full time child care

Be honest OP, why would the DC suffer? I am sure this issue is the tip of the iceberg. You are not shielding your DC by putting up with this.

I work PT, have Dc with SEN, I do 100% of everything all week - and 80% on weekends.

Your Dh is really not living in the real world but I am worried that you seem to doubt yourself even though, as mentioned above, this is the first ever unanimous thread on AIBU.

He sounds like a waste of oxygen.

Worryingly, he is providing an atrocious example of behaviours to your children, and he’s effectively gaslighting you. Ugh!

You can do better OP.

If you are working FT and doing most the grunt work you may as well be single OP. At least then you'd get EOW off.
What a lazy disrespectful waster your H is.

@OktoberFest

I feel like a wet blanket tbh but don’t know how to change it without the dc suffering.

Why don't you tell him that you're not making up the financial shortfall and you're not interested in any shift in your lifestyle. So either he does things for which you are currently paying/does things that will free you up to do/pay for other things or he sticks with his job.

What a twat