To think it's not right to charge adult children rent to live at home

[Hdhshxhs]

I have a few friends who charge their adult DC rent to live at home.

I personally find this very strange, no matter their age my children will always be my children and welcome in my home without any expectation of money.

I think aswell with it being so hard for young people to get on the housing ladder these days one of the only ways they can is to live at home rent free so they can save for a deposit.

AIBU?

@Hdhshxhs

Not sure how it's a stealth boast. It doesn't make sense to me that youd have children but the second they turn 18 you can't afford to have them around anymore

Do you understand how benefits work? That they end when a child turns 18 and leaves full time education? Same with child maintenance. It is actually very usual for a person to not suddenly not be able to support their child when they turn 18, because a lot of support is removed at that point in time.

I don't believe it's really right to charge an adult child rent if you can afford not to and they are saving for their own place. I personally wouldn't because I'd rather the money went towards them getting their independence. But in our case I will need to charge DD when she reaches 18 as we will lose benefits and maintenance.

I lived with my parents in my early 20s and was earning more than then.

Do you think it's fair that I didn't pay to live with them?

Lucky I wasn't selfish and was quite happy to pay board. It was a hell of a lot less than if id moved out and rented even with roommates,

@Hdhshxhs

I have a few friends who charge their adult DC rent to live at home.

I personally find this very strange, no matter their age my children will always be my children and welcome in my home without any expectation of money.

I think aswell with it being so hard for young people to get on the housing ladder these days one of the only ways they can is to live at home rent free so they can save for a deposit.

AIBU?

I don't think you've thought this through at all, OP.

Do you really think this as a blanket policy?

Do you think all people in the world have the same financial circumstances as you?

What are the situations where you think it WOULD be acceptable?

I'm telling you now, NO MATTER WHAT their health situation, I will learn, I will train up, but into a care home they are NOT going if it's the last thing I do.

Are you sure it's what they would want? If I get to the point I need help with toileting I'd rather be in a home than have my children do that, for their and my sake. My mum has said the same. She had to do that kind of care for my grandmother. It's not just about you, but what is best for the the person needing care, in some situations a residential/nursing home will be the best option for them, medically and emotionally.

I agree with the majority of posters, and @Awalkintime has almost said what I wanted to say, but to add to it...
My view is, when we have a baby they need us as parents to do everything for them. And, of course we do so that they survive. (And hopefully thrive)
And then our role changes and evolves, and we teach them to do these things for themselves. Ideally in a safe way so they learn independence.

The transition to adulthood is the same.

In my house, just the one DD, she deferred uni for a year and worked and payed us a peppercorn rent, which we saved for her.
Partly that was so we could give her the money back (because we could afford to do this), partly it was to teach her the value of money and the responsibilities that come with it.
And also, it was an acknowledgement of "you're an adult now and the rules are different". When DD was little, it was our house and our rules. As she got older, she got to choose (for example) when she went to sleep. But we'd have still got her up for school.
As a working adult, I wouldn't have woken her up for work unless she'd asked me to. Because that is her responsibility to manage. We no longer have expectations that she follows the routines that work in our home - she could follow her own agenda. We don't tell her when to wash, or what to eat (although we told her what and when we would be eating)
This is how we are transitioning into her adulthood and learning and evolving together what our roles are and what works so we can develop adult:adult relationships. And now she's away at uni and making these choices for herself.

This is what is working for us or hopefully is seeming to. I'll tell you in 5-10 years whether it was right or not 🤷‍♀️

Incidentally, someone v close to me has an older son (now 22) who for some years has lost his way. Uni didn't work for him and he dropped out in the first year. Came home. Got a job, but a very low level and part time one. Only a few hrs per week. Spent the rest of the time gaming (usually at night and sleeping all day) and smoking weed. Almost certainly depressed.
His mum was at a loss. Was charging or not charging him rent in this situation a help or a disservice?

I think they should either be paying rent or putting that money into building for a deposit. If they are doing neither they they are being irresponsible and the parents who allow this are enabling that.

They should contribute to bills regardless.

I didn't have the luxury of boomeranging back home after university. I had to find some housemates and rent. I have little time for those on their mid to late 20s who live at home rent free and aren't saving for the future, they aren't really full adults in my opinion.

The two young adults living here can demolish a fridgeful of food in the blink of an eye. They are also a drain on the National Grid, and create vast quantities of laundry. Why whould they not chip in with some spondoolicks to help keep a roof over their own heads?

My youngest earns nearly as much as I do.

YABU they are adults - independent beings not parasites. What's weird is keeping them in some kind of infantile dependency.

I'd also feel quite disappointed in my dd if she was happy to enjoy a grand a month or whatever as fun money while I struggled to make ends meet paying rent, bills and food for us both. I think I'd feel kind of like a failure.

I said YABU, because it is completely unreasonable for a capable and educated adult to expect to live off the backs of their aging parents if they are working and could be supporting themselves. Obviously not all adults are fully capable etc, and those circumstances call for different measures, but for those fully fledged (ie finished with education and in the job market) adults who have no particular barriers to being useful members of society, I think they should contribute toward their expenses. If the point of living at home is to save for a deposit, parents charging rent can just direct those rent contributions straight into a savings pot for a deposit. That way at least the child will be used to surrendering the monthly amount necessary to keep a roof over their head, which may otherwise come as a shock.

Surely part of helping children to launch properly is getting them into the headspace of having to pay for their basic living expenses as a necessary part of life.

[quote Lagomtransplant]@CallmeHendricks

I'm telling you now, NO MATTER WHAT their health situation, I will learn, I will train up, but into a care home they are NOT going if it's the last thing I do.[/quote]
So, you can administer end-of-life pain meds, operate a hoist, turn and clean a bed-bound patient who is incontinent?
My father required three people to manage his basic hygiene needs at end-of-life because of his height.
As I say, instead of offending everyone on this thread who has had to make this heart-breaking decision, how about zipping it and waiting to see.

I was charged board when I got a job. My parents didn’t need it but put it in an account and gifted it back to me when I got married. It teaches budgeting and that food and heating etc have a cost.

I'd never charge, unless I really need the money and couldn't afford food bills etc. There are a lot of other ways to make a child responsible and I fear many people shamedly use this as an excuse to charge their own kids for living in their own home. I do find it disgusting tbh. Apparently not the popular opinion here but it may be a cultural thing, a North South divide thing, a class thing, I don't know and don't care. Have never seen it elsewhere in Europe. Not in my family nor my friends. A family should be one unit.

[quote Lagomtransplant]@BlanketPiggy

I'd go starving and frozen before even thinking about putting my DP OR DPIL in a care home, even before covid. They will be provided for under my own roof and I'd be mightily ashamed of myself if my thought process was akin to yours.[/quote]
Have you ever looked after anyone with severe dementia?
I was a nurse on a, long stay Dementia ward, its bloody hard work, many patients are doubly incontinent, aggressive, no idea who their loved ones are, it's heartbreaking for families
Dont judge people untill you have walked a mile in their shoes.

^rent charge to put in investment is maybeee slightly better but a child can decide that himself too. That'd be a better way to teach how investments work.

No, I wouldn’t either. I see it as a parental responsibility to support my children financially whilst they live with me.

As long as they are saving if working or continuing with their studying that’s all I will ask. They will have years ahead of them with responsibilities so the better start they get the easier that will likely be.

@Kolingpursey

I'd never charge, unless I really need the money and couldn't afford food bills etc. There are a lot of other ways to make a child responsible and I fear many people shamedly use this as an excuse to charge their own kids for living in their own home. I do find it disgusting tbh. Apparently not the popular opinion here but it may be a cultural thing, a North South divide thing, a class thing, I don't know and don't care. Have never seen it elsewhere in Europe. Not in my family nor my friends. A family should be one unit.

Disgusting? Really?

"They will have years ahead of them with responsibilities so the better start they get the easier that will likely be."

And many of us are arguing that it is a better start for them to learn money management whilst being protected by the safety net of home. Otherwise it's one hell of a rude awakening once they get their own places.

It all depends on circumstances.

I did charge older dc “rent”. I kept that for him. I could have just charged no rent and knew that he would save anyway, but I also knew that I had a younger sibling coming up who probably wouldn’t save in the future, so to make it fair I charged rent to both of them. They’ll get it when they need it in the future.

I absolutely understand people who need to keep it themselves for financial reasons, less so people who charge it for their own luxuries, as your friend, op.

Having said that if owning their own home isn’t a probable option in the future, then there is less reason to save for them I guess, although a lump sum would be handy at any point.

Under no circumstances should adult children be allowed to piss a whole salary up the wall. They need some life lessons and paying for a roof over their head is one.

@Hdhshxhs

Not sure how it's a stealth boast. It doesn't make sense to me that youd have children but the second they turn 18 you can't afford to have them around anymore

It doesn't make sense that benefits for them stop at 18 and the parents lose money? Pull your head out of your hole .

My apology. The thread was on pg 4 when I started to type my v v v looooong post and @dreamingofsun and @Ellmau both said it better

They will have years ahead of them with responsibilities so the better start they get the easier that will likely be

How are they getting a 'better start' if they aren't learning about money managent, paying bills, etc.

YABU for being so judgy.

You do you and let everyone else do the same

A working family on a low income who receive child based benefits have a sudden income gap when a child reaches 18. Why do you think the government stops it as this age? It's because the expectation is that the adult offspring will start to fund themselves. Better a parent ask that adult to contribute to the household costs, than they end up not able to pay the rent and bills.

@TheBlackArt

They will have years ahead of them with responsibilities so the better start they get the easier that will likely be

How are they getting a 'better start' if they aren't learning about money managent, paying bills, etc.

You can learn how to budget and pay bills without handing over money to parents to live in your own childhood home.