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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not right to charge adult children rent to live at home

822 replies

Hdhshxhs · 10/10/2021 11:50

I have a few friends who charge their adult DC rent to live at home.

I personally find this very strange, no matter their age my children will always be my children and welcome in my home without any expectation of money.

I think aswell with it being so hard for young people to get on the housing ladder these days one of the only ways they can is to live at home rent free so they can save for a deposit.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bugbabe1970 · 11/10/2021 20:53

@HarrietsChariot

It's pretty scummy behaviour to charge your children rent. You're the one who decided to have them, therefore they are your responsibility. You can't just think "they're 18 now, time to cash in!"

There can be an argument that a child should be allowed to pay rent if the parent is struggling and the child wants to help, but it should not be expected or demanded and the parent should have exhausted all other avenues of income first.

No one wants their child to pay money....we are talking about adults making contributions their keep!
anonME123 · 11/10/2021 20:55

i started paying 'rent' as a teenager when i got a job, my mam would take a small percentage of my wage. If i earned more - through overtime etc i'd voluntarily give her more. we were a struggling house hold and it was needed. Im grateful now she did that, it taught me budgeting, responsibility, paying my way etc,. I went home as an adult with my son after a rough break up - she never charged me a penny as my circumstances were different. I now live next door to her and we are super close.

worriedatthemoment · 11/10/2021 21:00

@HarrietsChariot disgusting post by someone who is obviously very privileged
Have you never heard of redundancy , illness , disability or being widowed
My friend has cancer and cannot work and lt cannot be cured she had a good job with good sickness but this is coming to an end her dd works full time so pays a contribution ? Is that a good enough reason

Siepie · 11/10/2021 21:09

I wouldn’t make a profit off my child. But I do expect all fulltime working adults in the house to contribute towards bills, etc.

As soon as she had a graduate job, my DP was earning more than her parents. I don’t think that’s all that uncommon among first generation graduates. Would you really expect two parents on £18k to split all the household expenses, while a 20-something had £21k+ in disposable income? What if the parents were retired or unable to work due to disability etc?

Bugbabe1970 · 11/10/2021 21:11

@PegorySpeck

I won’t charge my children rent either. I don’t know why people have children if they can’t afford them
But we aren't talking about children....we are talking about working adults!
tigger1001 · 11/10/2021 21:16

@PegorySpeck

I won’t charge my children rent either. I don’t know why people have children if they can’t afford them
This is the strangest answer to the thread I've read!!

So when you decide to have kids you expect to fund them for the rest of your life? When they are working? Possibly earning more than you?

Is it just while they live with you, or do you support them when they move out too?

If either of my kids are still at home when working full time, I would be disappointed if they didn't offer to pay their way. And I would be telling them that they are welcome to live at home for as long as they like, but board is x and these are the chores that we all share.

ohmyohmy123 · 11/10/2021 21:20

Mine pays £400 a month. Half goes into a savings account for when they want a mortgage.

If they didn't pay that money out they'd never be able to manage in the real world and it sets them up for paying a hefty amount for mortgage etc.

Carol44 · 11/10/2021 21:25

When I started work at 16, back in the 70's, I gave my mother 1/3 of my pay every month, saved 1/3 and the rest was my spending money. Not a lot when you are earning £8 a week.
My mother gave me all I had paid her back when I bought my first home.
I did the same for my sons after they graduated so they had to get temp jobs so they could pay their way until they left for permanent jobs.

Nigglenaggle · 11/10/2021 21:26

It's just not your business. Charge yours rent, or don't, but wind your neck in. This type of judgy nosiness typifies all that's wrong with the world!

cass5 · 11/10/2021 21:27

Entirely agree with you OP, but might be a cultural issue, I was brought up in a South European culture and never ever would cross my parents' mind, or mine now, to charge children for living at home. My parents' home is always my home, and my home will always be my childrens'. For me everything else does not fit with my concept of family, but i see we are part of a minority. Run this pool in south Europe and i bet the results would be different.

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/10/2021 21:29

Your hone can still be your children's whilst they make a final vial contribution. Paying your way doesn't negate it being 'your home'

bowlingalleyblues · 11/10/2021 21:33

I paid a third of bills and food, it was about £300 a month at the time. It wasn’t ‘rent’ and if I hadn’t been working I wouldn’t have had to pay It but I was mid-20s and earning 30k a year, and that was my only housing costs. I don’t think it would have been reasonable to ask my mum to pay for all my bills, when I was already benefitting so much from living at home.

Redjumper1 · 11/10/2021 21:33

I wouldn't personally but don't see anything wrong with it. It depends on the circumstances of the family and also some believe that it teaches financial independence.

Some save up the rent to give towards a deposit. Some don't charge and then this allows the child to save. Some charge money and spend it because they can't make ends meet without it. Some take the money and spend it because they can but don't necessarily need it. Some don't charge anything and don't give towards a deposit and the child doesn't save because they are not responsible and they are still living there when they are 40.

each to their own

TheChip · 11/10/2021 21:34

Its not a home for any of them if the parents can no longer afford the upkeep of it once they lose the child benefit, tax credits and sometimes maintenance, and refuse to take any payment from their working adult children.

RedHotChiliChips · 11/10/2021 22:00

I hate this British bashing - "ALL the other European countries don't do this", "family is family" ya da ya da...

I'm from a Scandinavian country and over there there's definitely a culture of full time employed adult children living at home paying for their keep. And not just that, once your adult child is on full time employment, there's an expectation of that child to make plans to find their own place and start to live independently. Staying at parental home for years on end is culturally seen little bit sad and pathetic.

We are very comfortable and mortgage free now, I will still expect my DC to contribute once they are in full time employment. By then my DH will be retired and we may have to be more careful with our money. I also think it's our duty as parents to teach them how to budget and stand on their own two feet. As a parent you will have to do unpleasant actions occasionally which you know will benefit your children in the long run.

Our DC will be always our DC and always welcome to come back home. But it'll be more like adult to adult relationship which I think is more respectful towards both parties.

PegorySpeck · 11/10/2021 22:05

[quote Porcupineintherough]@PegorySpeck theyll still be your children when they move out, no? Will you be paying their rent for them then, too?[/quote]
Well of course not!

panauchocolat · 11/10/2021 22:06

I’m so glad that I’m not the only one that think like this. My son just turned 18 and I will always support him and welcome him living with me, I won’t ever demand any money from
Him unless he offers help for living with me. My parents mentioned but never ever charged me anything(I bought my own food by the way) and this doesn’t mean that I became an irresponsible adult that couldn’t deal with money or finances, which is the excuse some people give to charge their newly adult child “rent”.
Also my parents never kicked me out of the house to sort my life out when I became and adult, and it also doesn’t mean I have not became one.
I moved houses so many times because I wanted to and lived on my own since 23, raised my son as a single mum and now live abroad for 10 years with two children without all this selfish tight “rent” system.
I agree with you, there’s so many other ways to teach your 18 year old independence and how to deal with money and bills…and in my case was when my parents offered me the security of “you are always welcome back if anything goes wrong” that built my resilience, made me feel safe, confident and made me the brave person that I am in adulthood.
I think that asking your own children for rent is awful.

Zzzmumzzz · 11/10/2021 22:10

I agree that rent should be charged to an adult child living at home and in full time work . Even if its at a below market rate. Contributing to the household budget is a reasonable expectation. If you feel "guilty" about it, keep it in a savings account for them. Give back in the future to be used towards a flat deposit or something important to them.

TheBlackArt · 11/10/2021 22:14

@panauchocolat

I’m so glad that I’m not the only one that think like this. My son just turned 18 and I will always support him and welcome him living with me, I won’t ever demand any money from Him unless he offers help for living with me. My parents mentioned but never ever charged me anything(I bought my own food by the way) and this doesn’t mean that I became an irresponsible adult that couldn’t deal with money or finances, which is the excuse some people give to charge their newly adult child “rent”. Also my parents never kicked me out of the house to sort my life out when I became and adult, and it also doesn’t mean I have not became one. I moved houses so many times because I wanted to and lived on my own since 23, raised my son as a single mum and now live abroad for 10 years with two children without all this selfish tight “rent” system. I agree with you, there’s so many other ways to teach your 18 year old independence and how to deal with money and bills…and in my case was when my parents offered me the security of “you are always welcome back if anything goes wrong” that built my resilience, made me feel safe, confident and made me the brave person that I am in adulthood. I think that asking your own children for rent is awful.
How is it possible for people to be so closed-minded? Unreal.
ufucoffee · 11/10/2021 22:14

It's not rent. It's board. It's to pay for all the extra food, electricity, gas, water etc. I can't understand why any adult child wouldn't want to contribute to the running of the family home.

Petronius16 · 11/10/2021 22:15

Back in the day it was called ‘lodge'. Paying your lodge, basically for food. We never saw it as rent. And they helped with the chores. Our children have done the same with their kids. A couple of them now live with partners and chores continue to be shared.

AhNowTed · 11/10/2021 22:25

@Practicebeingpatient

We are well off. We could afford to let them stay free of charge but we don't. Once they were out of uni and in ft work we asked for £250 a month as a contribution to housekeeping and costs. I think it's important that adults should at least make a gesture towards paying their way. It's bad enough that young people have to stay at home with their parents for so long nowadays without further infantilising them by mum and dad still paying for everything.

We aren't stingy. They were all given allowances throughout uni so they could concentrate on their studies. We have a holiday home we could rent out for cash but instead we let them use it whenever they want a break. We help with major purchases like cars/household appliances by adding to what they have saved themselves. They have been or will be given lump sums to help with buying their first home. It's not about the money for us, it's about treating them like adults.

Very similar outlook.

We don't need the money.

Supported 2 now adults through uni @ £100 a month each.

One went back into education at 26 for a year, and we continued to support him at that amount.

Both are now looking for jobs, so we charge them nothing obviously.

But once they're working full-time, they are expected to make a contribution to the household bills.

At around £300 a month.

It's a bargain.

And once again, it's not that we need it, or about the money. It's about learning as an adult that living costs money and it's not a free ride.

And frankly, if my adult children didn't see this as being fair, I've done a crap job as a parent.

x2boys · 11/10/2021 22:26

@panauchocolat

I’m so glad that I’m not the only one that think like this. My son just turned 18 and I will always support him and welcome him living with me, I won’t ever demand any money from Him unless he offers help for living with me. My parents mentioned but never ever charged me anything(I bought my own food by the way) and this doesn’t mean that I became an irresponsible adult that couldn’t deal with money or finances, which is the excuse some people give to charge their newly adult child “rent”. Also my parents never kicked me out of the house to sort my life out when I became and adult, and it also doesn’t mean I have not became one. I moved houses so many times because I wanted to and lived on my own since 23, raised my son as a single mum and now live abroad for 10 years with two children without all this selfish tight “rent” system. I agree with you, there’s so many other ways to teach your 18 year old independence and how to deal with money and bills…and in my case was when my parents offered me the security of “you are always welcome back if anything goes wrong” that built my resilience, made me feel safe, confident and made me the brave person that I am in adulthood. I think that asking your own children for rent is awful.
They wouldn't be children, they would be adults earning a full time wage Theres clearly an awful lot of very privileged posters on here, that can't see beyond there own little bubble.
vodkaredbullgirl · 11/10/2021 22:31

My eldest will continue to help out, until they move out themselves.

Wackaday · 11/10/2021 22:32

OP, I agree with you.
I believe this is also down to cultural attitudes too. In white, UK households it is common for children to fly the nest young and often even when their kids have a weekend job in their teens, parents want a cut.
On the flip side, Asian families culturally never charge their kids rent and would be devastated if their kids wanted to move out due to being adults. I remember a friend from work who lived with her parents until she was around 30yo but had saved a very healthy deposit for a property and only needed a 13 year mortgage.

Household contribution doesn't always mean paying money to stay. Adult children should help with chores, lightening the load of work, help with shopping and of course being good company to your parents is a nice way to pay them back too.

If you're poor and can't afford to house an adult child then your kid should have ther decency to contribute a reasonable amount towards the run cost.