To think it's not right to charge adult children rent to live at home

[Hdhshxhs]

I have a few friends who charge their adult DC rent to live at home.

I personally find this very strange, no matter their age my children will always be my children and welcome in my home without any expectation of money.

I think aswell with it being so hard for young people to get on the housing ladder these days one of the only ways they can is to live at home rent free so they can save for a deposit.

AIBU?

@willithappen

Harsh to call it a stealth boast. My mum was a single parent living in council house on minimum wage and not once asked myself or my brother to contribute when we stayed at home. We generally got our own food, but were never charged rent because she didn't think it was fair

You should both be embarrassed you didn't give your mum any help towards bills while she was on minimum wage.

I moved straight in with my boyfriend (now husband) after uni. A while ago, we both had to move back into my mother's home for about 6 months during a difficult house-buying process.

She's never had much money, but she wouldn't allow us to pay a penny more than what she worked out to be the "extra" that us being there would cost her. She's a penny-pincher with a smart meter, so she easily worked out how much extra energy we cost her (incidentally, it wasn't actually very much). We paid the extra towards the food shopping. I can't think what else off the top of my head, but obviously us being there didn't affect things like her mortgage, water bill, or broadband, etc. so she said she would feel very sleazy about us paying towards these things as it would essentially be her profiting from us. I expected this as it's just the way our family are, but my husband did want to pay more but my mum just wouldn't have it. We did a lot around the house for her though, especially my husband doing lots of DIY, and we took it in turns cooking so it's possibly slightly different than some adult children who stay at home and basically treat their parents like skivvies. I've always been good with money, so I don't suppose she was concerned with teaching me any sort of lesson.

I can only imagine I'll be the same with my kids. I couldn't sit comfortably with being better off with my child paying rent than if they moved out. I'd probably ask them for whatever extra they were costing me, but I certainly wouldn't want to profit from them.

My neighbours still have both of their adult sons living at home. One is 30 and the other 27 and both are working full time. A colleague who is 32 is still living at home. She has no boyfriend and doesn’t want to live alone and gets on well with her parents. We’re not talking about a 19 year at uni with a part-time job. Why should all of these people live for free? Part of being a grown up is paying your way in life.

I paid £30 a week to live at home! I also bought my own toiletries etc!

I would absolutely charge my working adult children!!! They cost a fortune and after 18 no longer get child benefit!

Also to add, I do love the idea of saving everything your child pays you as "rent" in an account for them to give them as a gift when they move out

Of course it would depend on if you can afford it, but I think it's a lovely idea!

My DS is welcome on our home but he works, uses the gas and electric, water, sometimes eats the food I buy so I charge him rent. Each to their own.

I charge my DC rent even though they’re at University so you’d judge me OP.

The way I see it, they get a maintenance loan to cover their living costs (both commute and live at home). They’ve chosen to extend their education and are adults so they need to pay their way. We are not on a high income so they get a decent maintenance loan and work part time to supplement it. They’ve got much more disposable income than us and can afford driving lessons and holidays as students which is a far cry from struggling students in my day who had to live on beans on toast and didn’t have a penny to run together!

Mind you I had to hand over half my weekend job money to my mother from when I left school all through college! Left home at 18 as I was told I had to. My DC can stay at home as long as they want to but they’ll have to pay their way.

I was denied the opportunity to do things like staying on to do A levels and university because my parents couldnt wait to treat me like a cash machine. I was only able to study for a profession by doing it part time.

Yes, it taught me to budget. It also made me feel angry and bitter towards my parents because they were so grabby. The result was that I never told them how much I earned (paid with bank transfer which was unusual in the 1960s) and had all my private correspondance send to an accommodation address so they never saw a statement. My mother was rubbish at budgeting monthly and was constantly tapping me fo a loan to buy things for my princess sister.

When I left home (mid 1960s) my mother had to go back to work because she said she couldnt manage without my money.

If they are earning a wage then it's perfectly reasonable to expect them to pay towards the household costs. You can't just breeze about life expecting mum and dad to help you out at every opportunity. You need to learn how to be a responsible adult and pay your way in life.

And I'm not suggesting that kids pay a large amount, but something that is reasonable and allows them to save at the same time.

When I turned 18 I was in full time work and made more money than my mum so of course I paid her "keep money". Tbh I would have felt guilty if I hadn't.

My niece has a part time job and she pays my sister £10 per week - she also pays towards the cost of her phone bill (she wanted an iPhone 13 when her iPhone 11 was no longer "cool"despite it working fine). If she lost her job or got herself into bother of course my sister won't turn her away for not paying her £10. But we need to learn how to pay our way in life.

Is the OP seriously thinking that a 33 year old earning more than her father, and a 27 year old earning more than all of us - should not contribute financially to expenses? That's insane. Free food, free electricity, gas, blah, blah. With poor old mum and dad, approaching pensionable age, suck it all up? Yeah, right....

@DOINGOURBIT

Is the OP seriously thinking that a 33 year old earning more than her father, and a 27 year old earning more than all of us - should not contribute financially to expenses? That's insane. Free food, free electricity, gas, blah, blah. With poor old mum and dad, approaching pensionable age, suck it all up? Yeah, right....

I agree. I would be disappointed in an adult child that was happy to live rent free at the expense of other adults in the home, particularly those who don't have a big disposable income.

[quote Lagomtransplant]@BlanketPiggy

I'd go starving and frozen before even thinking about putting my DP OR DPIL in a care home, even before covid. They will be provided for under my own roof and I'd be mightily ashamed of myself if my thought process was akin to yours.[/quote]
I know a LOT about this both personally and professionally. My sibs and I kept our Mum at home in her own home until a few days before she died. I would say to you never name the well you won't drink from.

We funded ds through university (BA and MA) , so no loans. Until he got a job in his 20s we supported him, so I don't think £200 a month kills him. Still leaves him with £1200 a month to play with.

@Hdhshxhs

I'm by no means wealthy, less than £100 left over each month. But I won't top up my budget at the expense of my children

With regards to teaching financial independence- they budget an amount of £ each month to go towards a deposit and then they have to pay their bills (phone, car etc) so they are being responsible. Not like I'm letting them live here rent free so they can piss all their money away

So rent free is conditional upon them managing their savings and money how you would like? They're adults being micro managed by mummy? What would happen if they did start pissing it away?

I personally don't think just learning to pay your own phone bill and put some savings aside a responsible adult makes. Dependent on how old they are/how long they are living like this of course.
I understand you're trying to help them save for a deposit, but I don't think an adult living this way and who has never had a month where they've overspent and have to adjust their food shop other outgoings etc, has learnt enough life lessons to suddenly jump straight into home ownership and full management of their budget which suddenly includes way more then phone bills and also has responsibilities for the managementof their property..but hey, that's just me.
Also in all likelihood given the housing market, they will be buying their first home with a partner/fruend/ getting a mortgage with two salaries. No way would I partner with someone who had only had prior responsibility for a phone bill and a savings account

I would ask any adult children over 18 to pay a rent fee yes. I did to my parents as an offer. I felt bad for living there while not contributions and my parents really appreciated it. Went towards food shopping/ my toiletries and gas and electric/ water (my long showers!)

Nothing to do with the financial situation of the parents imo. I see it as controlling to not expect working adults to contribute financially to a household. Parents are effectively ensuring their DC are infantilised and are likely to not see their route to becoming independent.
I'm not at that stage, but if I ever am, I will gift them back with any money they have contributed when they do leave.

Oh good, this subject again.
It's at least a month since the last time it was wheeled out 🙄

OP, do you also think it’s wrong that literally every other species expect their adult offspring to feed themselves etc too?

I will gift them back with any money they have contributed when they do leave.

Isn't that infantilising them by being the bank of mummy, who didn't trust them to save their own money?

It’s part of adulting.

I sat down with each of mine when they started earning and showed them our bills: food, council tax, heating, tv. They pay an adult share of those bills. It’s what salaries are for.

No we don’t need the money. And if any of my DC were out of work then I wouldn’t expect them to pay. But adult children, earning full time adult salaries, contribute to the bills of the house.

Do you not actually see that it completely depends on each families own situation. How can you be so black and white about a topic like such.
Are you that narrow minded to think that all families are in the financial position to support full grown adults in their homes. Of course everyone would love to help the children to save but obviously not everyone is in the position to do so.
I find this view of yours very strange.

@category12

I will gift them back with any money they have contributed when they do leave.

Isn't that infantilising them by being the bank of mummy, who didn't trust them to save their own money?

No, because mummy can decide what she wants to do with the money, it’s still her money until she hands it over!

@category12

I will gift them back with any money they have contributed when they do leave.

Isn't that infantilising them by being the bank of mummy, who didn't trust them to save their own money?

They will not be making their future financial plans on the basis of this money since they will have no clue the money will ever be gifted back. (Indeed, I have no idea of my financial situation if/when this happens, so I may well need their contribution and be unable to gift it to them)

It's about personal circumstances and, potentially, whether the parent(s) feel the child needs to be taught to grow up. If your child has had a job since they were 15, learnt to save, is responsible with money and wants to work, then you may feel less inclined to charge rent (if you can afford that option), as they're already a responsible adult. If they've never worked and need to be taught some life lessons before moving out, charging them rent is a good start.

It’s part of adulting.
Theres more than one way to skin a cat!

I stated my reasons why I dont take money from Ds but I dont criticize others that do.
Ds isnt costing us any extra by living wit us. In fact he is costing less than before as he pays for his own phone spotify our Netflix and holidays and weekends away.
Our Bill's are virtually the same as the council tax water TV and insurances aren't any different. We have no rent or mortgage so that's not an issue.
Hes hardly in so the leccy and gas bill are hardly affected.
Ds buys us food occasionally, takes out for a meal and goes for a pint with us.
As a young bloke he has enough going on financially and I do t mean pissing it up a wall. It is costing a fortune to build up the tools of his trade and his insurance fir his car us 2k. I'm just glad he us managing to save as well as invest.

Each family to their own circumstances but us insulting to imply that they are being infantized if you dont take money from them, especially if you dont need it.

I would probably take money from if he was out drinking every night and Amazon and Asos were delivering every day but that's not happening.