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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
Percypigg · 10/10/2021 01:55

Maybe I'm missing something but could it simply have been that he wanted to dial things back a stage? Maybe he wants more regular dinner/drinks type dates before things get more physical, maybe he's also going on dates with other people??

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 02:03

@Percypigg absolutely possible. I don't really want a competition. Dating is miserable.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 10/10/2021 02:10

So you’re put out because he didn’t want to have sex with you?

TBH there are a lot of posters here who are put off by men who expect women to sleep with them early on, and some who in fact see that as clearly the only thing a man is after if he wants sex so soon on. Anyone posting here saying that they’d been out with someone and he was put out that they had no plans for sex that night would be told to run for the hills.

If it’s meant to be then you’ll go on more dates, and sex will happen when it’s the right time, for both of you.

Allthingspeaches · 10/10/2021 02:12

I wouldn't assume that there's something shady going on. It probably is the boxing. My BiL often meets up with his friends to watch the boxing matches even if they're late night ones.

Coffeetree · 10/10/2021 02:23

Of course it's weird to invite you on a Saturday night date and then ditch you to go clubbing! I'd take it to mean he's not interested, sorry OP.

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 10/10/2021 02:45

If someone isn't truly, madly, deeply into you, and you into them, then I do not see the point. Unless they have a child to go home and relieve the childminder from (and I'd have hoped they had told you about this).

Bollix to the oddbods. Carry on dating and never settle.

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 10/10/2021 02:47

@Percypigg

Maybe I'm missing something but could it simply have been that he wanted to dial things back a stage? Maybe he wants more regular dinner/drinks type dates before things get more physical, maybe he's also going on dates with other people??
Going on dates with other people?! Nah ah. That's not OK!
doyouwantachuffedybadge · 10/10/2021 02:49

@Percypigg

Maybe I'm missing something but could it simply have been that he wanted to dial things back a stage? Maybe he wants more regular dinner/drinks type dates before things get more physical, maybe he's also going on dates with other people??
You don't date more than one person at a time! You go on a date, if that isn't right, you tell them, then go on another date. Who dates multiple people? That's dishonest.
ChristmasPlanning · 10/10/2021 04:18

How late was he? Has he been late before?

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2021 04:40

So basically you planned to have sex wirh him and as he didn’t offer that up you’re pissed?

Yeah I can see how if a man posted this about a woman it would go well.

Incredibad · 10/10/2021 04:51

Agreed bluntness, OP it sounds more and more like you’re really just annoyed about him not wanting to have sex with you. As for him off to do something else, he has a life outside someone he’s gone out with three times and that’s not a bad thing. I don’t think it’s rude he didn’t tell you his night plans beforehand, no ones owed his calendar. He didn’t assume you were going to have sex so he’s not a pushy shit, but a peck on the lips sounds like he’s not v interested either. If it’s really just a fling you’re after you should make that clear in the apps you’re meeting people on when you’ve got some clarity on what you want.

fashionSOS · 10/10/2021 04:53

[quote cocavino]@ThreeYearsPastBestByDate the hurry I guess is that I am becoming desperate for physical contact. I even got waxed!

Looks like I need to spend some more time sorting myself out. I am extremely confused by a man showing so little interest in me physically.[/quote]
Where did you find him?

I have the opposite problem, I don't want to sleep with a man after the third date, but it's generally expected if you meet someone off one of the apps/dating websites in London!

I'd suggest he didn't want to sleep with you just yet, and it was a bit of a flimsy excuse. Which is fine, because he was kissing you, and clearly into you - but only if you're also on the same page about taking things a bit slower. Are you prepared to wait, or is this not what you're after right now? (There's no wrong answer, you're entitled to want what you want, but if there's a serious mismatch, one of you should cut the other loose.)

If you're just after a fun, casual hookup, then he might not be the guy for you - the good news is, there are loads of men in London who just want sex, if that's what you want right now.

fashionSOS · 10/10/2021 04:57

You don't date more than one person at a time! You go on a date, if that isn't right, you tell them, then go on another date. Who dates multiple people? That's dishonest.

@doyouwantachuffedybadge Whilst I hate it, and I don't do it myself, it's normal behaviour in today's dating world. Until/unless you have a conversation about being exclusive, you can assume the person you're dating is also dating lots of other people.

It's the candy shop problem - it's why it's hard to find a good man, because he has a choice of a million other women. And of course, if you take a sample of a million other women, a lot of them are bound to be as worth dating as you, leading to the pick me dance.

I don't participate. If you ask me to the pick me dance, you're not for me. I'm not competing against some woman I haven't met, who is also probably just as datable as me. Bloody make your mind up yourself.

jelly79 · 10/10/2021 05:43

OP the more you post the more it is clear that your expectations of sex were not met and your ego is bruised. I think it's quite sad that he is labelled as rude for not wanting to carry on. Its date 3. He is allowed to go at his pace too.

VividGemini · 10/10/2021 06:01

Was the date originally planned to go overnight? Like was staying over or going back to either of yours discussed? If it wasn't I don't think he's done anything wrong!

YukoandHiro · 10/10/2021 06:12

This is a long thread over a simple fact: he's obviously just not that into you

Simonjt · 10/10/2021 06:13

So you’re annoyed that he didn’t have sex with you and ‘only’ spent about five hours with you.

Someone getting in a strop because someone didn’t have sex with them is a huge red flag, as is someone expecting to own their date until they see fit to release them.

Looubylou · 10/10/2021 06:24

This is a difficult one - I haven't dated for 30 years., so a bit out of touch, but I'm not that much older than you. If you met online, this seems to be the norm - literally a date, the try it out approach. You did have what counts as a full date. It would have been better to tell you before though, and a bit odd not to be more specific about the plan. Did he get a text mid date? He probably thinks everything is fine. If you like him and see what happens next.

GrandmasCat · 10/10/2021 06:26

@StoodOnAPlug

You come across as annoying and hard work. He should run a mile.
And you come across as a sad person who enjoys sticking the boot in for fun in people who are feeling down.

Is something bad happening in your life that excuses your bitterness? Anyhow, not nice to take it on strangers, go and punch a pillow or get yourself a better hobby.

LynetteScavo · 10/10/2021 06:27

To me it sounds like he's looking for a long term partner, while continuing to maintains the fiends and social life he has. He sounds quite level headed and wise. He's playing the long game, and not just looking for a quick shag. It's considerate that he asked you to text to tell him know you got home safely. It shows he genuinely cares about you.

You just want to have sex. That's fine, but I don't think you're looking for the same thing from this relationship.

It would irritate me that he likes clubbing because it would mean he staying in bed late at the weekend, but I'm not dating him Grin

Shoxfordian · 10/10/2021 06:30

I don’t think he did anything wrong really
If you like him otherwise then keep seeing him

Allycott · 10/10/2021 06:33

@cocavino

I didn't expect, or necessarily even want, sex. But it seems rude not to say he has plans for after, or to even arrange any time to kiss or anything?

He literally announced to me that he had later plans, dropped me at the station (pecking me on the lips) and carried on

He doesn't fancy you.
tiredandmardy · 10/10/2021 06:47

As other posters have said, online dating is full of men who will scratch your itch for sex. What is is NOT full of is men who want a relationship. I actually think some women confuse the two and think that the attention they get online is indicative of a ton of men wanting a real relationship with them, instead of actually wanting ONS or ‘pump and dump’.

You are both out of your twenties and thirties and he sounds perfectly nice - getting you to confirm you got home safely in the current climate is thoughtful, not odd. Don’t use his perceived ‘lack of keenness’ after a couple of dates only as a reason to kick him into touch already? You may regret it after another 6 months of online dating.

anon12345678901 · 10/10/2021 06:50

@Bluntness100

So basically you planned to have sex wirh him and as he didn’t offer that up you’re pissed?

Yeah I can see how if a man posted this about a woman it would go well.

I agree, especially if a man had posted this he would have been given such a hard time. In situations like this there are such big double standards. OP is not entitled to sex on the third date.
Still1nLove · 10/10/2021 06:51

@cocavino did he invite you to go clubbing with him?