To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

[cocavino]

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

It's so unfair. My ex has basically ruined my life in many ways. I am tired of being alone, not having any kind of male companionship. Now when I am trying to meet someone nice, I am so terrified and distrustful that it won't even work for me.

(In the meantime, obviously my ex has now found someone, after ruining my life)

Name change fail. Oops.

Have you contacted Woman's aid OP for support?

Even just to talk through how his interference is making you feel.

@billy1966 to be honest, I'm not sure that it would be helpful for me to call Women's Aid about this, plus I really don't want to waste their resources when they can't do anything substantive to help. I called them three years ago and they helped me to understand that my ex is abusive. Now he is abusing legal process to torture me. He is clever. He knows what he is doing. He knows how to skirt the edges of the law.

I didn't realise how much it had gotten into my head until yesterday, to be honest.

Woman's aid is for talking things through.
Maybe that would help, maybe they would have some advice.

It sounds awful, but they might be able to point you in the direction of better support.

I think it could be worth the call.

So sorry its so hard for you.

@cocavino

That sounds awful, but how much you let it affect your psychological state is in your hands. Nobody else is responsible for that.

Why only 'threats' of legal orders, if he's bothering you that much?

You;'re just not ready.

In your previous posts you said that you and your therapist thought you were ready for dating.

Sorry but you clearly are not.

On your other date with this man you had a massive snog and on your next date you hoped to get into bed.

Now, you can't even kiss him goodnight in his car.

What on earth is that all about?

How is your ex possibly impacting on what you do now with another man?

Please continue therapy- and stay away from men. This poor man must be very confused.

he is abusing legal process to torture me.

If he is breaking the law, and 'stay away' orders, you need to bring in the courts and police.

He is abusing legal process. He is a solicitor and knows what he is doing. What he is doing is so bad that I can't just ignore it or work around it. My solicitors are on it, but it's having a significant impact on my mental health.

My ex popped back up and started interfering in my life during the time I have been seeing this guy. It's not like life is static and unchanging. I was doing far better before he did this thing to me.

How is your ex possibly impacting on what you do now with another man?

He continues to do extremely cruel things to me. Whenever I start to heal and make connections with someone else, he pops up and reminds me how dangerous it is to get involved with men.

Is it a coincidence that he pops up or is someone telling him when you meet people?

@cocavino

How is your ex possibly impacting on what you do now with another man?

He continues to do extremely cruel things to me. Whenever I start to heal and make connections with someone else, he pops up and reminds me how dangerous it is to get involved with men.

Then respect your own boundaries. If something feels dangerous, stay away from it. Wanting to be over it is understandable, but perhaps a bit like wanting to be 'over' having a broken leg; healing just doesn't work that way. Things you could do before like running up and down stairs will feel too risky for a time.

This is a natural process, and it's not something you can argue with, any more than you can stop winter coming because you'd rather be at the beach.

he pops up and reminds me how dangerous it is to get involved with men

It isn't, though. He's reminding you how dangerous it is to get involved with abusive men. If you have faith in yourself, faith that you will leave as soon as you start feeling something is 'off', you will never get involved with an abusive man again. You will protect yourself properly; like knowing that walking on broken glass is dangerous, but having faith in your glass-resistant shoes. You are the one that has to put the shoes on, because, as much as we all try, we do come across broken glass sometimes.

Respecting your own need to stay away from anything that feels dangerous is something you can practice in daily life, with people or situations that don't feel right. Particular people, particular behaviours of your own, particular conversations, etc. Is that something you're aware of practicing, or do you often find yourself stuck in uncomfortable situations?

@JustLyra in this instance, it's definitely just a coincidence. I share as little information as possible with him about my life and we don't have any shared friends really.

@TheFoundations I no longer tolerate anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable. This thread alone shows how trigger happy I am, I think! Loads of people seemed to think I was highly unreasonable for questioning whether to date this guy because of his confusing messages.

I have some things to sort out in my life (if my ex doesn't manage to block me from doing so), and then maybe I will try dating again.

I have read the majority of the thread and i know it's moved on since the initial gut reactions to your OP, OP, but i really wanted to just add my YANBU with regards to you being disappointed in the way the end of the date turned out. It is a bit odd/rude to not mention the finish time of a date due to other plans until 15 mins before you have to go, whatever the time of day it is.

You being a bit unsure/conflicted about what you might have done if the possibility of sex had arisen is a non issue. You feeling you miss sex and physically preparing for the possibility, while also feeling you'd quite possibly decline the offer if it did come about is not weird or difficult to understand. You weren't railroading anyone or leading anyone on.

@Laiste thanks

Update: I texted the guy with extreme honesty as suggested by the poster above. I said my ex was very abusive, the stuff he is doing now is taking a toll on me, and I don't think I am in the right place to get involved with someone.

His reply: "Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that, and I totally get it. My ex was pretty much the same, and I was in the same place a year or so ago. Therapy really helped me."

And this: "It's been really nice getting to know you too, and for what it's worth I think you're a wonderful human being. You just need time to heal"

He seems like a very nice person but i definitely am not in a great place right now. I have actually taken the day off work with stress due to the things my ex is doing. I'm in tears, finally falling apart after being brave for so long

well, he sounds a decent guy.

The best you can do is to work on yourself and leave dating for some time.

I do agree with @TheFoundations though.

People can do what they like, pressing your buttons, but unless they are physically in your presence and being violent or abusive at the time, how you react to them is your choice.

Only you can break the cycle of your ex abusing you.
Can you not take steps to block him?
Change your phone/email etc?

Or do you need to be in touch as you have children together?

I assume that's where the contact comes into it now.

I hope you can access therapy.

Try not to think of it as being 'brave'.

It's not really about being brave (in the face of danger.)

It's about you changing how you react and not allowing people to upset you.

@Notresdames

We have a child together.

I suppose this is buried deep in a thread so not too outing, but I have been living in crap rental accommodation for two years while my ex stays in the beautiful family home, and I have desperately been trying to buy a place for my daughter and I. My ex has now found a way to interfere with my home purchase (long story, through abuse of legal process). Also, my landlord has given me notice. Please accept that there is no easy way for me to think my way out of this

what a bastard.

I hope you or your own solicitor can call him out on what he's doing. If He is a solicitor, he is surely in danger of putting his professional status at risk. Maybe he can be reported to the law council for breaching professional standards, even if that's in his personal life.

How did the ex get to stay in the house?

Do you have real-life friends :who can support you coco?

I know this isn’t your main issue right now, but if this new guy is nice and has dodo been through a divorce, is there any reason you can’t maintain just a friendship for now? No expectations, but just someone to go for a walk with etc?

The ex sounds like a piece of work. How can he interfere with you buying a new home though? Can you report him if he has breached legal processes?

I reckon he was going to the cinema - cinemas were showing the latest bond film at midnight

@symi i fled the house due to his extreme financial and emotional abuse. He never felt I had any right to it even when we were married, even though we bought it together. He's a mean m*therfucker and it was easier to let it go, despite this being extremely unfair.

Again, he is abusing legal process to block my house purchase. He knows how to use the system abusively without having clearly breached any laws. The background is complicated to explain.

I may see about maintaining a friendship with this guy! It's true that he seems very nice and might be a good friend given he has gone through similar. But first I have to deal with this house crisis.