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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:16

I feel fairly annoyed even if that's not rational.

It's rational to me, I'd feel similar. I think kmany people would if their date announced (at what point?) that they ere heading off somewhere else you're not invited and you get to go home (since you don't have other plans because you thought you were out on my dare with them and possibly going home together).

Tbh it's like a comedy sketch. Bit not funny for the person on the receiving end.

scarpa · 10/10/2021 00:18

@cocavino

And he wants me to send him a message saying I am home. Why? What is the point of this? Is that sweet???
Basic human concern given the recent focus on women's safety in public?

I don't really get what your problem is, he sounds perfectly nice.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 00:19

We are in London. I got on the overground and he carried on walking.

I am fairly certain it's not the boxing.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 10/10/2021 00:21

It’s only date 3? You’re not married.

I totally had plans for midnight when was I young. Clubs only get going at 11.

If it’s a bunch of his mates it’s a bit early to be asking you along.

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:22

When did he tell you he was going to be leaving to go out somewhere else on his own?

He should have given you the option of having a date in those circumstances, or doing it another night (or not at all).

wheneveryousaymyname · 10/10/2021 00:23

@SleepingBunnies21

I feel fairly annoyed even if that's not rational.

It's rational to me, I'd feel similar. I think kmany people would if their date announced (at what point?) that they ere heading off somewhere else you're not invited and you get to go home (since you don't have other plans because you thought you were out on my dare with them and possibly going home together).

Tbh it's like a comedy sketch. Bit not funny for the person on the receiving end.

Yes. That's the nail on the head.

He had other plans and you didn't make other plans because you - quite rationally - ringfenced the time for the date you planned together.

Also, if he had have been upfront "Love you see you Saturday night but I'd need to leave by 11 due to XXX, so let me know if there is another night that suits you better" is fine.

Springing on you DURING the date that actually he can't stay any longer smacks of making excuses to get away. Yuck. It's him, not you.

MerylSqueak · 10/10/2021 00:26

I thy@Zodlebud might be right and he was making it clear he wasn't spending the night with you.

Or clubbing. I know people who would do that (they're not the most wonderful boyfriends).

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 00:28

That’s what I was thinking @scarpa. if you’d kick him into touch for this, you must be up to your knees in attractive, eligible men @cocavino.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 00:28

@MerylSqueak well, quite. He probably wouldn't make a wonderful boyfriend, and I definitely want sex, which he apparently also isn't offering...

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:29

It’s only date 3? You’re not married.

One doesn't have to be married to someone to show them basic civility.

I wouldn't do what he did to a mate, let alone a date.

I'd at the very least tell them beforehand or arrange it for another night. There are fkg 7 of them.

SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:33

@Blossomtoes

That’s what I was thinking *@scarpa. if you’d kick him into touch for this, you must be up to your knees in attractive, eligible men @cocavino*.
Fk me the low standards in this thread.

The dude doesn't have basic manners & consideration. He should have told op he'd be going on somewhere else on his own after 11 before the date and she could choose whether to go or not, or see him another night.

TatianaBis · 10/10/2021 00:34

I would totally have done that to a mate in my 20s, and we’re all still friends. May have done it to a date too I can’t remember.

It’s the kind of thing I would have done if it wasn’t sure about someone.

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 00:34

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.

TatianaBis · 10/10/2021 00:34

We don’t know that he knew before the date, it may have been confirmed at the last minute.

Dancingonmoonlight · 10/10/2021 00:35

I'm flabbergasted at the number of people saying that what he did was ok as it was only your third date.

It was beyond rude of him not to tell you he already had plans for tonight when you were making plans to meet up.

TheChip · 10/10/2021 00:35

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Exactly!
SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:35

[quote cocavino]@MerylSqueak well, quite. He probably wouldn't make a wonderful boyfriend, and I definitely want sex, which he apparently also isn't offering...[/quote]
I thought hook up and dating sites were knee deep with blokes wanting sex. Certainly if you're on dating sites actually wanting a relationship, that's all you ever encounter.

NumberTheory · 10/10/2021 00:35

Did your first two dates finish by 11?

I wonder if he’s just not that used to dating and the sex on the third date thing is a bit alien to him? So he didn’t expect this one to go later and was a bit caught out when you suggested staying.

If you want something that isn’t too full of expectation he sounds like he’s on the same page but you haven’t got on the same page about moving things to sex yet.

I wouldn’t necessarily dump him for that, assuming he’s otherwise good and you think he might be good in bed, just make the next date more explicit (invite him to yours and cook for him suggesting he stay over and you do something else in the morning - v. Hard to misinterpret that) or open up a conversation about it.

On the asking you to text when you get home - given what’s been in the news late.y I don’t think it necessarily means anything that he’s suggested it. It’s possible he’s a bit controlling but it’s also possible he’s just trying to be a good friend. You can decide if you like it. If not, just text back - It’s thoughtful of you to ask. I appreciate, with everything in the news lately, why you might think I’d want to do this but it’s not something I find necessary.

Blossomtoes · 10/10/2021 00:36

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Wouldn’t they just? The double standards are unbelievable.
SleepingBunnies21 · 10/10/2021 00:36

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Where did op say she made ot plain she wanted/expected sex on the date?
BurntO · 10/10/2021 00:38

You’re only on date three and you’re pissed he has plans the same day? Is he even your boyfriend yet?

VioletVesper · 10/10/2021 00:38

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Agreed
PeoplePleaserBe · 10/10/2021 00:39

Does he do shiftwork meaning he has to be up super-early and wants to get to bed?

Has responsibilities like being a petsitter so should be in someone’s home?

Has to clock-in somewhere?

Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 00:39

I didn't expect, or necessarily even want, sex. But it seems rude not to say he has plans for after, or to even arrange any time to kiss or anything?

He literally announced to me that he had later plans, dropped me at the station (pecking me on the lips) and carried on

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 10/10/2021 00:40

@PeoplePleaserBe no, he works a professional job in the week

OP posts: