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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 10/10/2021 06:55

You sound sex obsessed! Maybe he doesn’t want to get that intimate 3 dates in.

SpeakingFranglais · 10/10/2021 07:04

Tbh, in my 40s I would have thought a 6:45 start and 11.00 finish cracking. Home and in my bed for 11:30.

What time did your other two dates start and finish?

daisypond · 10/10/2021 07:19

I don’t think he’s done much wrong. Your date finished at 11, around pub closing time? That’s a normal time to finish. He then has plans to go clubbing for a party afterwards. That’s normal too. Maybe he could have asked you along or mentioned it earlier. I don’t see why kissing on date 2 has anything to do with it. Perhaps he didn’t want to be pressurised into sex.

NewMum0305 · 10/10/2021 07:22

Years ago, I dated a guy that didn’t seem physically interested in me - didn’t kiss until the 5th (!!!!) date and on the 6th, he pre-warned me he had a cold which I took as a clear sign he didn’t want to get physical and wasn’t into me. We’re now married with a child.

It’s a bit early to decide you’ve got him all figured about. An 11pm end to a date that started at 6.45pm sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and while you might be disappointed about the lack of sex, he didn’t owe anything to you (something far more posters would be pointing out if you were a man posting about this), whether or not you waxed.

But if it irritates you this much, maybe you’re not a match… x

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 07:39

OP, I can see what you mean as, if he was keen, the date would have obviously been a natural progression from the last one.

Also, most men would take you home - not just drop you at a train station! How rude.

It’s fine if he’s not expecting sex on a third date. I’m a bit older than you and nobody would have had that expectation in the 90s, for instance. But it does sound like he ended the date abruptly and it was different to the one before. So go with your gut feeling about this. Sorry. Anyway, it’s only one man in the whole world...

pictish · 10/10/2021 07:42

Hmm….I think it’s worth noting but not quite at the stage of dumping offence yet. People do meet up late on at times…especially if hitting a club. He hasn’t done anything wrong as such. If your instinct is telling you something isn’t right pay attention to it and see.
He is allowed to take things as they come…as are you.

fluoropostit · 10/10/2021 07:46

I really don’t think most men would escort you home on a date in london! I think if someone was insistent on doing that I would find it more sinister than reassuring!

DedalusBloom · 10/10/2021 07:46

I also suspect that the "peck on the lips' would have been more of a snog but you were pissed off and unresponsive by that point. Which is your prerogative of course, but if he is into you ( and everything you've said so far makes it seem he is) then give him a chance. In a couple more dates you can have as much regular sex as you like!

If ONSs are what you want there are literally hundreds of hook up sites to use. If you're dating because you'd like a relationship then ( trust me on this) OLD is a soul destroying cesspit, so it really is worth persevering with people you have a connection with before throwing them back in a fit of petulance.

Suprima · 10/10/2021 07:48

@cocavino

We went out for dinner and music. I feel fairly annoyed even if that's not rational. I'm minded to make this the last date so that I can focus on men who seem more interested.
You should be multiple dating anyway

3rd date men don’t need your ‘focus’

You ‘focus’ on them when they prove themselves and show they improve your life in some way. Even if you just a want a fling.

Start seeing some more people anyway.

daisypond · 10/10/2021 07:50

I’m surprised at people saying “most men would take you home”. I think that would be unusual. Why would they do that? The OP is a capable adult who I’m sure is used to travelling around by herself at all hours of the day or night.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/10/2021 07:54

I don't understand your attitude at all. It was a nice evening, you both enjoyed. You're just getting to know each other so you're not at a stage you can make assumptions about what happens. To me that respectful.

M0rT · 10/10/2021 08:03

This is a thing on some of those pulling websites for men.
Women expect men to try to get brought home with them, so they advise doing the opposite.
Then you find him more attractive because he's less available and will be the one suggesting he comes home with you on the next date.
There is nothing wrong with just wanting a date to end with kissing and sex.
Not a peck and the overground.
The reason there are double standards around men and women's expectations around sex in dating/relationships is that sex carries more consequences for women still and we are still the physically vulnerable sex.
I'd find someone else, not telling you in advance of or during your date is just poor communication if nothing worse.

LittleStar22 · 10/10/2021 08:03

@Disfordarkchocolate

I don't understand your attitude at all. It was a nice evening, you both enjoyed. You're just getting to know each other so you're not at a stage you can make assumptions about what happens. To me that respectful.
I agree with this. When I read your original post I wondered if he had plans to leave for a ‘booty call’ but his explanation seems quite reasonable in London. He probably didn’t invite you along as too soon to introduce you to his friends/colleagues. I wouldn’t expect someone to see me home in London. Walking you to the train station and asking that you message when you get home shows that he cares about your safety. I think you’re overthinking things. See if he contacts you to arrange another date.
Tellmeee · 10/10/2021 08:06

I don’t think men ‘take you home’ after a date. I’ve never heard of that and that would be ridiculous in London.

I don’t think it was a big deal that he went off for a leaving do after the date unless of course it was an excuse to get away. Is that possible?

SarahBellam · 10/10/2021 08:07

The whole leaving doo clubbing thing is actually pretty plausible. Loads of students work in bard and go clubbing when the pubs shut. If he can manage that in his 40s at least you know he has stamina so it might work to your advantage 😂

SarahBellam · 10/10/2021 08:08

Bars - not bard, unless they're Shakespeare students.

Branleuse · 10/10/2021 08:14

I would feel a bit put out too if i was expecting date to last longer.

JustAnother0ldMan · 10/10/2021 08:15

@Maves

Either got a Mrs, or doesn't want to jump into bed after 3 dates...let's face it no one has plans at midnight.
I quite often start work at midnight, it’s not that uncommon
Macaroni46 · 10/10/2021 08:17

I'm a great believer in instinct. OP if something feels off to you it probably is. I've done a lot of OLD and so many times I ignored my instincts and talked myself into giving them another chance, my instincts were always right in the end.
So I'd say if this has annoyed you, follow your instincts and don't see him again. Because that irritation with him will always be there now and you'll constantly be wondering what additional plans he might have!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2021 08:18

@tiredandmardy

As other posters have said, online dating is full of men who will scratch your itch for sex. What is is NOT full of is men who want a relationship. I actually think some women confuse the two and think that the attention they get online is indicative of a ton of men wanting a real relationship with them, instead of actually wanting ONS or ‘pump and dump’.

You are both out of your twenties and thirties and he sounds perfectly nice - getting you to confirm you got home safely in the current climate is thoughtful, not odd. Don’t use his perceived ‘lack of keenness’ after a couple of dates only as a reason to kick him into touch already? You may regret it after another 6 months of online dating.

This sounds like good advice to me. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and think he perhaps didn’t realise the date would continue as he’s taking it slow. If you decide to see him again, maybe ask that he forewarn you if the date needs to end by a certain time.

The upside of modern dating is that you are free to pursue someone else at the same time. So if you just want a sex itch scratched, you can continue to see where it goes with this guy and have sex with someone else. I am not suggesting that you do. However, these seem to be the rules.

SunshineCake1 · 10/10/2021 08:18

[quote cocavino]@UsernameNotAvailableApparently thanks. I think I may just want a casual fling after a terrible few years. I want to feel attractive. Maybe I need to diversify my dating pool.[/quote]
Definitely over reacting.

5catsonthedesk · 10/10/2021 08:18

‘I don’t think men ‘take you home’ after a date’

Well ignore me then - I was dating in the 90s. They always picked you up and took you home then (London or anywhere).

Embroidery · 10/10/2021 08:19

Strange to have midnight plans.
I think hes married

AlwaysNC2021 · 10/10/2021 08:23

@Bluntness100

So basically you planned to have sex wirh him and as he didn’t offer that up you’re pissed?

Yeah I can see how if a man posted this about a woman it would go well.

@Bluntness100 - my exact thoughts.

OP, if you aren’t feeling it with this guy for whatever reason then of course it’s ok to end things. That said, I personally don’t think he has done anything wrong and, if it were me, I would probably give him another chance.

bathsh3ba · 10/10/2021 08:33

I don't think he's done anything wrong, and I would take it as a positive if a guy asked me to let him know I got home safe - it's a gentlemanly thing to do. However if you want a fling, maybe he's not the guy.