Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:16

slash - No, I didn’t have a car back then (London anyway) and yes, sometimes I would plan things too.

5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:17

Did you miss the last 20 pages though, Bluntness?

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:21

i was honest about my feelings in the moment. I find it bizarre that this is now being used against me

It's not bizarrre. It's that you aren't being honest with yourself or us.

The bottom line as far as I am concerned is that a fairly large number of people agree that it's weird he didn't mention his onward plans earlier in the evening. I won't apologise for feeling confused and deflated when he showed no interest in any physical contact whatsoever

How could he show interest or have physical contact when you were at a London train station?

What you mean is you hoped the evening would end up with you in bed at his place or yours. Unless you go in for groping and kissing in a dark alley in the middle of London.

I just wish you could see that your expectations have caused the disappointment, not this guy's behaviour.

Your disappointment is way out of step with what happened.
Rather than just accept that he had another event to go to, you've made it all about you, and your self-worth, attractiveness etc.

I mean this kindly, but if this sort of thing upsets you so much that 3 days later you are still talking about it online, and trying to defend your behaviour, how will you manage if guys let you down in a much worse way?

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 13:22

@5catsonthedesk

Did you miss the last 20 pages though, Bluntness?
Clearly not Confused
5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:29

NotresDames - stop telling her what she means. Listen to her when she tell you what she means.

TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 13:29

@5catsonthedesk

Did you miss the last 20 pages though, Bluntness?
This is bananas. It's as if you think that anybody who doesn't think the same thing as you simple hasn't read enough.

People are actually just disagreeing with your comments, because they don't make sense in the face of what OP has actually told us. In words. On the thread.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:29

I would be appalled if my adult daughter came onto a forum and complained that, after Date2, the person they dated on Date 3, expected sex just because of some passionate kissing on Date 2.

This is such teenage behaviour. It shows expectation of things moving on regardless of circumstances.

FGS these two people are in their 40s!

I cannot believe this thread is still going, over what is such a small event.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:30

@5catsonthedesk

NotresDames - stop telling her what she means. Listen to her when she tell you what she means.
I think you are the very last person to be lecturing people to listen and what something means.
5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:39

I am listening to the OP because..., she was the one actually there and could gauge the vibe for herself. Imagine!

People are allowed to process their feelings and may say defensive things in the heat of the moment. But she has explained this - again and again and again...

I think some of the responses in this thread are the most bizarre I have ever come across on MN.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:44

I think some of the responses in this thread are the most bizarre I have ever come across on MN.

I couldn't agree more.

The issue with your posts is that you won't actually engage with anything posters ask you. Like a politician, you avoid the question and move onto your own agenda. And keep repeating it, no matter how many times something is asked.

You keep banging the same tune but not actually listening or processing anything.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2021 13:45

The thing is it’s ok to say I really liked him and hoped things would go further sexually this time, and I was disappointed that he didn’t show any inclination for that and had to go to another event after spending five hours on our date. Because that’s on you.

When you move to my expectations are realistic and he’s the problem it’s just the age old “bitch led me on” with the genders reversed.

Yes it would have been nice if he mentioned he had later plans but he potentially felt he owed you, a virtual stranger he’d met twice before, nothing on his movements and that a five hour date was sufficient. Neither position is wrong.

Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 13:49

OH MY GOD. I really am done here. People keep telling me that I am angry because he didn't have sex with me even though I have stated repeatedly and clearly that this is not the main issue. The point of this thread literally was to see whether others find it odd that he didn't just say at some point at the beginning of the night, "oh, btw I am really looking forward to this gig and then i have to head out after." I mentioned my emotional reaction / hope of potential physical contact because I was aware that it might cloud my judgement.

Enough people here have agreed that his nondisclosure was weird that I am confident that I am not unreasonable.

I also have stated repeatedly that I don't care that much about this guy or this situation at this point. Why is my posting in this thread about the appropriate interpretation of events evidence that I am really hung up on it? Why are you all posting here? Are you all hung up on this man?

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:52

That is because you (and others) are just insistent in making this out to be something it is not and also telling the OP how she feels with some kind of amateur psychoanalysis which is a) patronising b) unpleasant and c) wrong.

Don’t listen to me. I wasn’t there. Listen to her. You have repeatedly thrown in her face some comments she obviously made in the heat of the moment when she was on the back foot. Repeatedly. Every time she has had the decency to engage with this and to try and explain what she actually meant as she processes her feelings. So try listening to that.

5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 13:53

That was to Notre.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:55

Why are you asking anyway?

You seem pretty sure of how you feel and what was right or wrong.

What you seem to be ignoring, is that yes, a lot of people say he could have told you beforehand, or earlier on in the evening.
I said that.

But I also understand that on a 3rd date it's not a hanging offence to do what he did.

You also say now you aren't that into him yet on Saturday you wanted to sleep with him.

If you just want sex, then find a Fuck Buddy , go on a hook up site. That will be uncomplicated and you won't have any expectations of anything else.

You just come over as very confused.

NotresDames · 11/10/2021 13:56

@5catsonthedesk

That is because you (and others) are just insistent in making this out to be something it is not and also telling the OP how she feels with some kind of amateur psychoanalysis which is a) patronising b) unpleasant and c) wrong.

Don’t listen to me. I wasn’t there. Listen to her. You have repeatedly thrown in her face some comments she obviously made in the heat of the moment when she was on the back foot. Repeatedly. Every time she has had the decency to engage with this and to try and explain what she actually meant as she processes her feelings. So try listening to that.

I think you ought to stop telling other people what to do and believing you are always right.
TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 13:58

@cocavino

It's just that that's not what you said to start with, OP. It's nothing like it.

If you'd really said 'Is it weird he didn't let me know his plans beforehand', and that had been your consistent issue throughout, why would we even have found out that you waxed?

You were the one who took the conversation down a more intimate path, and now you're upset because some PPs pointed out the way it looks.

Seriously: why did you post that you'd waxed, if you were trying to have to conversation about what words you wish he'd said to you? You can surely see why we've gone down this path, can't you?

Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 14:00

@TheFoundations with all due respect, i suggest you click on 'OP's posts only'. I have clarified REPEATEDLY.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 11/10/2021 14:01

comments she obviously made in the heat of the moment when she was on the back foot

They are comments she chose to write on her own post. They are all we have to go on. We can't just decide that some of them are true and some of them aren't, without removing her agency. This is boundaries too. The boundaries suggested by your comments really are all over the show, as are OP's.

Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 14:04

I AM AWARE THAT I AM CONFUSED. I have literally said this.

I also have been very clear about the narrow question I was asking.

I have responded to a lot of noise that has been introduced into the thread, and I also have engaged with apparently deliberate misapprehension of things I have said, in an effort to introduce more clarity. I think some people just enjoy piling on.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 14:05

@TheFoundations i literally explained that i wrote those posts when on the back foot. They also were not elegantly drafted as I was on public transportation etc and making my way home

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 11/10/2021 14:06

Anyway, I will update if he gets in touch again. We will see if those who think my behaviour in waiting several hours to send a text was unforgivably horrible are right!

OP posts:
5catsonthedesk · 11/10/2021 14:12

Bet you wish you’d never posted now coca. Blimey.

If there’s another date MN might go into meltdown. Don’t wax anything - whatever you do.

Dandy0911 · 11/10/2021 14:13

@JustLyra

If a guy had made it plain he expected to have sex on date 3 because there was kissing on date 2 and got huffy because the woman brought a date to an end at 11pm the replies on here would be very different.
Amen!
NotresDames · 11/10/2021 14:14

I have responded to a lot of noise that has been introduced into the thread, and I also have engaged with apparently deliberate misapprehension of things I have said, in an effort to introduce more clarity. I think some people just enjoy piling on.

You see, I don't see any misapprehension.
Posters aren't stupid nor are they piling in for fun.

I see you as someone who is trying to rewrite history of then , for now.

You have had a range of opinions

1 It was out of order. Bin him.
2 It was a bit thoughtless. Give him another chance if you like him.
3 It was fine. You don't deserve to be told all his plans just by Date 3.

But you muddied the waters by saying you wanted sex after so long and assumed it might be on the cards after your snog on Date 2.
As a PP said just now, you didnt have to tell us that.

So...by your own posts, you have made this complicated.

You need to decide if it was really about

1 No sex and you were gagging for it and also wanted it to feel attractive.

2 Having your evening 'ruined' as he had another plan he didn't tell you.

Whichever it is, you are making a right old meal out of it :)