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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is weird after a 3rd date?

765 replies

cocavino · 09/10/2021 23:32

We kissed heavily on date 2. On date 3, he had plans at midnight, thus necessitating ending the date at 12pm???

He followed up with a text about what a great time he had.

I'm a bit put off.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 13/10/2021 09:48

@TheFoundations that's spot on.

I won't just ghost him, but I am deciding whether to tell him that I have enjoyed getting to know him but I don't think we are the right match.

But I still may meet up again, with a resolution that third strike he's out

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 13/10/2021 11:10

That sounds like a good plan. Somebody pissing you off with a slight mismatch in communication style once is get-overable. Someone who repeatedly pisses you off is dumpable!

Yummypumpkin · 13/10/2021 13:27

So the drama was entirely self made. And perpetuated and worsened for you on this thread.

Live your life in reality, not in what ifs...and note that the number of people on here you gave you helpful advice is in the extreme minority.

TheFoundations · 13/10/2021 13:34

So the drama was entirely self made

Strange comment. Being upset with someone is a 'self-made' experience, but that's got no bearing on whether the other person was right or wrong, or whether they're a suitable friend/lover/partner/colleague for you.

All feelings are self made.

5thnonblonde · 13/10/2021 13:37

@Yummypumpkin yes what a silly little girl OP is! Now run along and play Hmm

OP I hope you’ve got some good friends to dissect dates with over a boozy phone call- I did this in my 20’s and 40’s, it’s very much the norm and half the fun Grin

sophiasnail · 14/10/2021 07:15

Why didn't you just ask him?

Notresdames · 14/10/2021 07:55

Still not sure whether/how to take it forward. All of my upcoming weekends are quickly getting rammed with birthdays and dinners, so it may turn out that I don't have time for dating anyway.

If you can't be bothered to prioritise a date with him over 'dinners' (with friends?) then you aren't ready for dating .

(Slight irony in this however that you got all shirty over him dividing his evening with you and a re-arranged leaving party.)

You've not said one positive thing about this man in all these pages.
Other than you wanted to have sex with him.

He's not an object to be pushed and pulled at whim.

He's a human being with feelings.

For his sake, I'd not see him because you sound too lukewarm for it to develop.

If you want to end it with some kindness, tell him that you are taking time out from dating as life's got very busy and as you are a single parent, you don't have the free time.

WhitePhantom · 14/10/2021 08:42

"Slight irony in this however that you got all shirty over him dividing his evening with you and a re-arranged leaving party."

This is just so untrue! The op was pissed off that he WAITED TILL THE LAST MINUTE to tell her about his other plans.

Seriously, what's SO difficult to understand about that??? Confused

Notresdames · 14/10/2021 09:45

Nothing hard at all @WhitePhantom although the MN jury here felt that she was BU to get huffy.

If you can't see the similarities, ( around finding time for another person) I can't help you.

Original poster
cocavino · 17/10/2021 22:18

I'm embarrassed to be writing here again, but I saw this guy today for a 4-5 hour date (thought why not). He drove us somewhere where we had a nice walk, and then dropped me at mine. He parked in front of my neighbour's drive instead of mine for some reason (made me mildly anxious), said "so I will see you next weekend?", then tried to kiss me goodbye. I told him it made me nervous and I quickly left.

Honestly, I am terrified about everything related to dating. My abusive ex has just done something really horrible to me that I'm having trouble coping with. It's been two years since I left, but he continues to actively try to hurt me and maintain contact.

All the above is context. My immediate concern is what to do about this guy. I ran off like a weirdo. I do think that he behaved in a confusing way last time, but I think my behaviour was extra confusing this time.

I'm not sure what to say to him now. Absent any contact from me, i assume he will think I have indirectly told him I have no interest. But I don't think that's true. It is terrible to have my ex still keeping me on a string when it has been two years and I so desperately want to get on with my life.

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 17/10/2021 23:16

Honestly
He isn’t the man for you.
It’s all too much like hard work

Loveshelly · 17/10/2021 23:16

And even if he was. You are in no way ready to have a relationship

Original poster
cocavino · 17/10/2021 23:19

@Loveshelly i think that the hard work is largely down to the mess my ex has made me. I'm so depressed. It feels like I will have to sit with my healing for years and years more

OP posts:
Loveshelly · 17/10/2021 23:23

@cocavino
I know what you mean. And we all have to try and get on with life at some point. But sometimes I think you need the first few dating experiences under your belt to be able to start to feel at ease with yourself!
If you see what I mean, and this has just become all too much overthinking and general anxiety.
I would probably take a bit of a break! I dated a few people after my abusive ex and with each one I started to find myself a bit more.
You’re ex won’t always be there determining your actions but I think it does take more time than we want it to.

Original poster
cocavino · 17/10/2021 23:27

Thanks, @Loveshelly.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 17/10/2021 23:29

Send him a nice message making it clear that you dont want to see him again, nothing personal just not ready for a relationship blah, blah, blah. Then take a little more time to heal. Dating should make you happy, not miserable and it does seem your ex has done a number on you. Sad

It may not be the time, or he might not be the bloke. Either way its not working out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/10/2021 23:36

"It's bad timing as I really enjoy spending time with you, but I've realised that I'm just not ready for dating yet so it's best not to see each other again. Good luck with everything."

Something like that?

Loveshelly · 17/10/2021 23:38

I do genuinely think it takes a few more goes of getting back on the horse!!!!
Next date will be better, date after that much better. Then you’ll be ok to actually do it!
But it’s not you, and it’s not him! It’s just life

ChristmasPlanning · 18/10/2021 00:42

You're not ready.

TheFoundations · 18/10/2021 01:09

It is terrible to have my ex still keeping me on a string when it has been two years and I so desperately want to get on with my life

Nobody has you on a string. This victim mentality is your choice, and you can choose something else if you want to.

What would the most confident person you know do, in your situation? Do that.

TheFoundations · 18/10/2021 01:12

But sometimes I think you need the first few dating experiences under your belt to be able to start to feel at ease with yourself

You need to feel at ease with yourself before you start having dating experiences, if you want to date healthily. Otherwise you're too vulnerable, which is what's happening for you right now, OP. It's too soon.

Original poster
cocavino · 18/10/2021 08:14

@TheFoundations i have done everything possible to get my ex off my back (dedicated email account, threats of nonmolestatiom orders, unbendingly strict child visitation schedule) but he is continuing to interfere with my life in ways that I can't describe here. His most recent move is actually breathtakingly evil.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 18/10/2021 08:18

Seems a bit off to me tbh.surely he would not have met up with you at all if he had plans . Maybe give him another go ,if it happens again he needs to explain I think

RedHelenB · 18/10/2021 08:23

I'm not sure you're ready to date right now. Have sone time focusing on you and press on with the non molestation order for your ex.

symi · 18/10/2021 08:28

Just be honest with the guy as you are being honest on here. Tell him your ex is currently being particularly manipulative and you’re finding it hard to cope. Explain you didn’t mean to be offhand when he dropped you off, but you have a lot on and felt overwhelmed. He will understand, I’m sure. Just be honest and straight with him.

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