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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. Hmm I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her Angry

OP posts:
Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 20:04

[quote girlmom21]@Getyourownback your aggressive post is much worse than anything I've said.

Sometimes when you're in shitty toxic relationships you can't see the wood for the trees. I offered an alternative perspective which the OP replied to, respectfully, because she's not a massive arse. [/quote]
What was respectful about saying you agreed with her BIL and nephew, exactly? Did you read her post?! If you’re going to endeavour to be unpleasant to a poster, at least own it.

This whole site is utterly chocka with illogical and bizarre responses purely because people only want to stick the boot in to the OP and have to be contrary for some reason, however reasonable the original post was.

Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 20:05

I talk to my mum a lot and I support her as much as I can. She has a stressful job, two of her colleagues have taken their own lives in as many years and I worry about her as she has no support from my father whatsoever. He is a vile man. She told me the other day that she doesn't like him, she ignores him etc. I asked her why she wouldn't leave and she can't answer. I have told her that she has options and it is okay to leave, she just won't. Unsure why but it's exhausting worrying about her when she doesn't do anything to help herself!

OP posts:
Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 20:06

And @Pythonista you’ve been all over a load of threads today and obsessively hammering the same point. Confused

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 09/10/2021 20:07

Doubtful anyone with a baby would visit you since you make your dislike so clear

Dislike of dirty nappies, for sure - not of people or babies. Confused

Pythonista · 09/10/2021 20:07

@Getyourownback

And *@Pythonista* you’ve been all over a load of threads today and obsessively hammering the same point. Confused
So what?

The 'obsessive' nature is due to the fact I'm autistic and sometimes am not great at communicating.

Clearly I just need discipline Hmm

Tilltheend99 · 09/10/2021 20:09

@ohthestruggles

Is changing a soggy nappy really an issue? Confused
No. Your BIL needs to grow up. Change a nappy wherever you need, especially as you’d been ostracised to that room anyway.
girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 20:09

@Getyourownback I didn't say I agree with them. I said I can see their point.

If an autistic child is eating away alone, in a separate room, it's not a huge leap to understand they might be upset when a baby, who they already made clear they don't like, is brought into the room. We know he doesn't like babies. We don't know if he has issues around eating.

Posters here have proven that lots of people would feel uncomfortable about the nappy change in a room full of other guests. It wouldn't bother me personally but I can see why it bothered BIL.

I don't need to own anything because nothing I said was nasty. If you don't like what people have to say you could just scroll past rather than telling them to fuck off. As I said, you're much ruder/more aggressive than anything I've said.

grapewine · 09/10/2021 20:11

@Pythonista

Where should she change her baby?! In the garden! Get a fcking grip*

Do they not have a bathroom?

Yeah, I thought going to the bathroom for this was normal behaviour. I'd be pretty surprised if a friend changed their baby in my living room. I'd probably not say anything, but I'd wonder why they didn't use the bathroom.
Original poster
ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 20:11

If an autistic child is eating away alone, in a separate room, it's not a huge leap to understand they might be upset when a baby, who they already made clear they don't like, is brought into the room. We know he doesn't like babies. We don't know if he has issues around eating.

He wasn't, nobody said he was eating alone..he was in the same room as the rest of the party with music etc eating food..

OP posts:
BeHappyAndSmile · 09/10/2021 20:12

To those saying changing a nappy is rude towards the "hosts"....they're not hosts, they're FAMILY. The baby's grandparents and aunt and uncle. And most people would hope to be comfortable enough around family to do something like that. If I couldn't change a nappy in front of family without remarks like that I'd be upset and feel unwelcome too.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 20:13

@ohthestruggles sorry that's what I inferred from this: Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating

My apologies.

Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 20:13

[quote girlmom21]@Getyourownback I didn't say I agree with them. I said I can see their point.

If an autistic child is eating away alone, in a separate room, it's not a huge leap to understand they might be upset when a baby, who they already made clear they don't like, is brought into the room. We know he doesn't like babies. We don't know if he has issues around eating.

Posters here have proven that lots of people would feel uncomfortable about the nappy change in a room full of other guests. It wouldn't bother me personally but I can see why it bothered BIL.

I don't need to own anything because nothing I said was nasty. If you don't like what people have to say you could just scroll past rather than telling them to fuck off. As I said, you're much ruder/more aggressive than anything I've said. [/quote]
I think you’re now backpedaling.

IrishMel · 09/10/2021 20:13

Dear OP.. has your mum ever talk to someone, a counsellor etc.. Know she would probably have to do this in secret but it would greatly benefit her if you could gently suggest that to her. She just feels stuck and powerless to do it. She sounds like she has been through so much also but you are breaking the chain and will have a better life for you and your children so that is soo positive. just got a thought in my head, a shitty nappy flying through the air into bil's face and splattered onto your dad's haha... am sorry op for the day you had. But they will never change so you change to suit you and your family's needs.

Daisychainsandglitter · 09/10/2021 20:14

My DD has autism and absolutely loves babies. She's actually great with them and children younger than herself.
On the other hand she's terrified of animals and if in the situation you describe your baby would have been an animal, she would have had an almighty meltdown and would have quite possibly have been rude especially if she'd said from the outset that she didn't like them.
Your BIL and father on the other hand sound awful.

Livelovebehappy · 09/10/2021 20:15

Autism doesnt mean being able to be controlling and vicious. Your nephew sounds like he is basically in charge, gets his own way when he demands something, and that’s not healthy. Sounds a toxic family environment and I would avoid them and just focus on your dm. She might seem unsupportive, but she’s clearly in a difficult position trying to keep both sides happy.

Nayday · 09/10/2021 20:16

Someone with autism may have sensory processing or sensitivity issues that means 'i don't like babies' consists of the following: babies cry/the sound is painful to me, babies are unpredictable/that is frightening to me.

Bearing in mind with autism often comes difficulty communicating, this mass of sensory overload, distress even comes out as 'I hate babies' and an outwardly extreme reaction. On the inside is fear.

So its completely normal for you to be taken aback by it and upset, but it's part of the disability and stemming from that sensory/fear response.

Tilltheend99 · 09/10/2021 20:16

And what if she bumped into the nephew in the hallway and he had another meltdown.

The whole point of a changing mat is to keep all the dirty bits in the mat. And nappies can easily become explosive. What is the point of dropping baby poo all through their house to save the blushes of a few miserable so and so’s!

Peoniesandpeaches · 09/10/2021 20:17

Regardless of whether he was having a meltdown or acting out because he could OP the point is that nobody stepped in to help him or to support you in deescalating the situation which tells you everything you need to know. Sometimes you just have to accept that your family behaves badly towards you. I think only organizing time with your mum sounds wise. It can feel really isolating being stuck in that kind of toxic environment and it’s freeing to opt out of it.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 09/10/2021 20:18

@ohthestruggles

Is changing a soggy nappy really an issue? Confused
Clearly it is for some people. Your BIL had no idea what was in the nappy before you whipped it off on the floor.

I think you have a wee bit of PFB syndrome. Not everyone is going to love your baby, some people are going to be indifferent, others are going to dislike it.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 20:22

@Getyourownback I think you need to learn to read.

Orphlids · 09/10/2021 20:24

Hi OP. Can I recommend a really good Facebook group? It’s called Necessary Family Estrangement. The members of that group will be able to offer some really useful advice on your relationship with your father. Most people really can’t understand what it is to have an abusive parent (lucky them), and on an open forum such as this you will get a lot of opinions from people with no experience at all in this area.

I’ve learnt so much about my father’s behaviour since joining the group, and it’s nice to chat to other people who have had similar experiences.

Nayday · 09/10/2021 20:24

For those that say autistic nephew has to learn to live in the real world. This is the real world and it's time for neurodiversity to be also understood by neurotypical people - not for ND to simply pretend to be NT whilst denying their own needs. Its not for NT people to dictate what the 'real' world is, we share it.

wildthingsinthenight · 09/10/2021 20:27

@Orphlids

Hi OP. Can I recommend a really good Facebook group? It’s called Necessary Family Estrangement. The members of that group will be able to offer some really useful advice on your relationship with your father. Most people really can’t understand what it is to have an abusive parent (lucky them), and on an open forum such as this you will get a lot of opinions from people with no experience at all in this area.

I’ve learnt so much about my father’s behaviour since joining the group, and it’s nice to chat to other people who have had similar experiences.

Great advice
Smashingspinster · 09/10/2021 20:30

Autistic people are often very sensitive to sensory information, and dont like unpredictability. Babies are both - noisy at times, smelly at times, and unpredictable in their behaviour. I would also prefer someone in my house to change their baby in the bathroom. Having said that, the job of parents of autistic children is not to change the world to suit them but the help their children deal with life - and having a young relative come to a party would be part of that.

Sceptre86 · 09/10/2021 20:34

Honestly I don't know why some posters are giving you a hard time. They are a toxic bunch and I would go nc with the lot of them You sister is with an idiot as is your mum. It must be hard to witness but isn't a load you should have to take on. If your nephew doesn't like babies and that is related to his autism your sister should have been upfront and told you so the situation could have been avoided. You could have quickly popped into the party on your own or just had a present delivered and wished him happy birthday over the phone. As for changing the nappy in the living room ,some people are OK with that, personally I would prefer if guests didn't in my home and changed their baby on a mat in one of the bedrooms in my home, especially if we are eating. I have a changing table as I have a young baby and would offer them the use of it. Your bil was an arse though and could have asked you to change the baby upstairs or in another room.

I would not let your sister mind your baby for you, she perhaps thinks it will help your nephew by having your baby around but it might not and I wouldn't want to risk him having a meltdown over your baby's presence when you are not there to remove your child so she can focus on hers.

Your dad is vile. The only positive I would take from this is that you know what a dysfunctional family looks like and can avoid yours ending up that way. You have your own life with your partner and child, enjoy it.