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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel v unwelcome

236 replies

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 17:51

I have posted before about my dysfunctional family situation (alcoholic, verbally abusive father and bystander mother) however today I feel has been the final straw. Went to my nephews birthday party (he is autistic) and we obviously took our baby with us. My nephew has said before he doesn't like the baby, feels jealous, just hates babies apparently. Well I took my baby into the kitchen whilst he was eating and he started screaming to get out, that he was going to be sick at the sight of the baby and 'THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT THE BABY TO COME!' He won't even call him by his name 🤦🏼‍♀️

I was upset but apparently this is part of his autism so I just took us off into another room. I had to change DS nappy, as soon as the changing mat came out BIL says 'oh Christ I'm off, can't stand nappy changes' 🙄 I'm not sure where we were actually welcome in that house today. I decided we would stay to feed my son and have some food ourselves and just leave as we were clearly not welcome. Whilst feeding my baby my father (horrible man, zero relationship, generally would be fine to have no contact with him) asked me when I was going back to work. I told him and he rolled his eyes and laughed, telling me I had a 'bloody great life' and don't know what work is. I have a year of maternity and my annual leave entitlement. I worked full time before DS was born. Not sure why he feels I am unworthy of maternity leave. He then asked me when I was leaving. This isn't new behaviour for him, he's a nasty piece of shit. I am one of three and I seem to be the only one who gets dealt this shitty treatment, the others are used to it and I honestly don't think it crosses their mind that this is abnormal behaviour towards one of your children! I love my mum, we have a good relationship and I see more of her than my siblings do but why does she just stand by and let this happen? I want NC but I love her

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 09/10/2021 20:35

@Nayday

For those that say autistic nephew has to learn to live in the real world. This is the real world and it's time for neurodiversity to be also understood by neurotypical people - not for ND to simply pretend to be NT whilst denying their own needs. Its not for NT people to dictate what the 'real' world is, we share it.

I am not neuro typical neither are my children we live by the rule that there are other human beings on the planet we all need to get along this does not mean scream and shout until you get your own way you don't need to remove the baby from your life especially when others are wanting to see the baby how Unreasonable is it to expect no babies to be around you ever? Very! you need to get used to them you can't go to a shop and demand no one bring a baby near you no one eat by you drink by you sometimes you just need to learn to deal or remove yourself from the situation

Getyourownback · 09/10/2021 20:36

[quote girlmom21]@Getyourownback I think you need to learn to read. [/quote]
My reading and comprehension is just fine. I just hope you think before writing shitty comments to another poster for no real reason.
You far from alone, so I’m sorry if you feel got at for that reason, but I find it so demoralising when people behave that way.
L

anniegun · 09/10/2021 20:38

@Sleepyquest

I don't know why you're getting a hard time on here OP. If I were you, I would stop going to family events. Sounds like you get nothing out of them except abuse. Why bother?! I appreciate your nephew is autistic but your baby is his cousin and so his mother should encourage him to be more accepting and not just go along with it because of 'autism'.

Ditch them all!

Some people just dont understand autism.

billy1966 · 09/10/2021 20:45

OP,

Your father sounds awful.

It must be very painful for you.

You would be well advised to consider avoiding get togethers that involve the men in your family.

Avoid them.
See your mother at your home.

Make it clear you have no intention of being in his presence again.

I cannot understand why you would be in the same space as someone so awful.

Protect yourself OP.

Nayday · 09/10/2021 20:56

@Theunamedcat

Yes there are other people on the planet, yes it's ok to also have your own needs met too.

If the child was in distress then he's not shouting and screaming to 'get his own way' (implies an NT view of how the kid is acting - this is what he just wants, he'll just scream to get it)- he's communicating 'I'm not coping'. My job as a parent is not to teach my child to hide their fear, to fit in, but to teach them to recognise their own needs and take care of them in a way that doesn't hurt others (e.g leaving the room if not coping), or learning how to be around the baby while you can cope. That comes with maturity. It also has a cost too (autistic burn out).

Autistic distress/meltdown isn't the same as 'bad' behaviour.

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 20:58

@Nayday

I think it’s pretty clear that screaming at people isn’t on in any world. As a parent it’s your job to foresee it your child’s disability will mean they’ll be distressed and step in to help them cope when you can.

There is a place between you’re fine, stop being naughty and ‘no he’s autistic therefore can scream at people if he wants to do so’ where parents help their children learn coping mechanisms.

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:03

Thank you @Orphlids that may be useful. Especially seeing as everyone around me sees it as something we just put up with.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:09

I think you have a wee bit of PFB syndrome. Not everyone is going to love your baby, some people are going to be indifferent, others are going to dislike it.

I don't think I do have PFB syndrome atall..I don't expect everyone to be interested in him and love him. I am fine with that. I am fine with people choosing to ignore him as they have done previously.

OP posts:

Disabrie22 · 09/10/2021 21:10

OP that sounds like a hideous day for you and your family add no value to your life. Walk away - and your mum needs to come to you.

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 21:12

@ohthestruggles

I think you have a wee bit of PFB syndrome. Not everyone is going to love your baby, some people are going to be indifferent, others are going to dislike it.

I didn't even see that twattish 'PFB' trope OP, ignore it, just someone wrongly thinking they are oh so clever.

TicTacHoh · 09/10/2021 21:16

Can’t believe the replies you’re getting tbh, OP. Your family acted horrendously. Ditch them all, I say.

stillsleeptraining · 09/10/2021 21:22

I'm on your side about the nappy change, OP. It would never have occurred to me that people would be weird about it.

(And your side on the other things as well. Family stuff sucks) x

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 21:22

@ohthestruggles, I think that what you have described was not simply an autistic child being upset about a baby, but also a family with so many layers of normalized dysfunction and abuse, and how you felt (as an independent adult) being put back into that situation.
Dad is a fuckwit. Aggressive, hostile, combative, etc… Just being in his presence would make anyone’s skin crawl. I honestly think you should never be anywhere this man, especially with your child.
I understand that DN is autistic. As you know, autism is a spectrum. There are a lot of people on these boards who are unable to comprehend that the spectrum is vast and the signs and behaviours of autism are hugely different.
When it comes to this kid’s behaviour, I believe that the parents use the autism as a smokescreen. He has been taught by the males in the family that aggression gets results. The mother offers no kind genuine parenting. When the father has finally had enough (ie - it’s affecting HIM in some way) he goes too hard when attempting to correct behaviours. Autistic kids need clear and consistent boundaries and behaviours explained and demonstrated by the adults in their lives. They need early intervention with behavioural therapists (as well as other allied health specialists.)
I feel very strongly about saying that he is being seriously neglected, being allowed to watch Squid Game. (Especially if the parents continue to state that he is unable to filter his emotions. What are they encouraging him to think and feel?) They are letting a violent, aggressive man (potentially two - BIL is chauvinist, at least.) influence him. The women who influence him are soggy, ineffectual and servile.
I think you need to cut your losses - for your physical and mental health. Your Mum and your sister are adults. I can’t be certain, but from the way you have described everything, I don’t think you’re a psychologist or a social worker. You’re not qualified to help them, and they’re not interested in helping themselves. You are hurting yourself by continuing to be their sounding board. You should tell them that if they ever need to get out they can always find you, but you can’t do this anymore.
Also, you should get therapy for yourself. I know from experience that growing up with that kind of volatility leaves deep emotional scars. Having kids brings all of those feelings back repeatedly. You would definitely benefit from it. (If only to be shown that you’re not crazy for not accepting that way of life.)

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:27

I have spoken to my mum once about how I felt as a child and that living with an alcoholic father affected us. She was shocked and really offended. Not sure why as I can see history repeating itself with my sister and BIL.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 09/10/2021 21:29

@Sleepyquest - when you say 'autism', I think you just mean autism.

OP, your dad sounds horrible and I'd avoid them all going forward. Can your mum come to you on her own?

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 09/10/2021 21:30

@ohthestruggles

If anybody could cast some light over wether babies are genuinely an issue for autistic children that would also be great. I struggle to understand and sympathise when it's my own little baby being screamed about.

My autistic DS had a phase when he was saying he hated babies and would say they were making his physically sick (he was 6yo). He would act very similarly than when having food sensory issues so I think it wasn’t playing out but who knows. Not jealousy about them as he would react even if the babies were nothing to do with us so not taking any attention away from him, for ex near us on the bus.

Now at 7 he still says he hates babies but can be near one and not react so I think he is just used to saying this but doesn’t care about them really.

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:30

@IdblowJonSnow yes she can, it's just difficult and frustrating because I know her life is miserable with him, she doesn't try to change it though.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 21:31

@ohthestruggles re her being 'offended' at your bringing up your childhood, did that shut the conversation down then?

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:33

@MichelleScarn absolutely, she either doesn't agree or she knows it was a shit situation and doesn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 21:37

So is anyone considering you and your baby and your feelings in this, or are you being expected to work to ensure no one else is made uncomfortable?

HyacynthBucket · 09/10/2021 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 21:50

Changing a nappy is provocative seriously??

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:51

@HyacynthBucket if you RTFT then you would know that I left the room and changed my baby infront of my BIL not my upset nephew... please read the thread FFS.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 09/10/2021 21:51

@HyacynthBucket she and baby were invited by the birthday boys DM, who has also offered childcare for the baby one day soon. But yes, you get bizarre digs in about OP shit stirring.

Original poster

ohthestruggles · 09/10/2021 21:54

I've been as open as I can be about the family dynamic.

@HyacynthBucket it's not very fair to suggest I took my baby to the party to intentionally stir up my nephew and upset him. I am a mother, an auntie and I would never intentionally upset a child ffs. Did I also cause the issue with my alcoholic, abusive father aswell as a child/teen/adult? I suppose that could be my fault.

OP posts:

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