Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
H0cusP0cus · 09/10/2021 09:44

Personally wouldn't do tit for tat tbh

Scandimandy · 09/10/2021 09:48

I think you should have taken the higher ground and bought them a gift. Why don’t you just say something like “we’ve finally decided

DappledThings · 09/10/2021 09:48

I can't work out from your post whether they have said they want to buy you a specific item worth £1k and haven't, or whether they just suggested giving you £1k to spend on said item. They do sound like they are being a bit weird about it either way but possibly also feel wkward you haven't clarified whether you want the cash or the item.

Regardless YABU to not but them a gift. Wedding gift buying isn't reciprocal. You should rise above your frustrations with them and get them a gift of whatever value you usually would.

Scandimandy · 09/10/2021 09:49

…What to spend your gift on, would you like to pay fo it directly?

In4mation · 09/10/2021 09:49

You should have said we are going to buy x if you would like to give us that money now, it would be really appreciated.

But not sure what to say about the current situation. Maybe do a voucher for £1000 and then swap? Don’t give your money until you receive theirs though.

Or just say for them to keep their £1000 and buy themselves something from you.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 09/10/2021 09:50

I wouldn’t have not bought a gift because they hadn’t got me one…

as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000

apparently we were the issue by not asking for it.

why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

These make it seem like the person in your family often offers to buy something valuable for special occasions, and you’ve misunderstood. It was never £1k cash in an envelope, from what you’ve said here. It was that they’d buy you something that you wanted up to that value. If you’ve never told them what, you can’t spend two years holding grudges and complaining about them to other family members. You had the offer, you’ve just waited a bizarrely long time to use it.

After two years, you not getting them anything and some bizarre-sounding conversations where you’ve moaned about them to other family members, it’ll be difficult to ascertain if the offer still stands without awkwardness… but from what you’ve written here, this doesn’t seem unusual for the family member and you’ve got no evidence at all that they have a history of offering things and not seeing them through, so YABU.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/10/2021 09:52

Tit for tat is not something I would do. If they have said they were wanting to buy you a gift, then yes I think you should say this is want I want can you please buy it. Maybe they didn't want to give cash, because it so often ends up getting used in the general household budget rather than for a specific item.

mnahmnah · 09/10/2021 09:54

The thing is, even if you had given them a gift, unless it was also worth £1000, you would have got this grief from people. You can’t win in this situation.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/10/2021 09:54

Personally I wouldn't show up to a wedding empty handed. I went to someone's wedding who gave us nothing at ours but still took at least a token gift.

I'm a bit confused about the £1000 thing. Are they buying you a specific gift or have you to choose something of that value. If it's bugging you next time they mentiom just say you've chosen something. I find it irritating when people talk about having a gift for sòmeone that they have no intention of giving.

Guavaf1sh · 09/10/2021 09:55

The gift idea was odd but you definitely should have gotten them a present - even if it’s something more symbolic than valuable

Noeuf · 09/10/2021 09:55

God get them a gift. Send a text asking if the offer still stands and if so can they buy you x,y,z whatever you need /want that’s up too £1k.

crowsfeet57 · 09/10/2021 09:55

Our best man told us he would get us a wedding present but was looking for something really special. Forty three years on we're still waiting. When he got married a few years after us, we gave them money, but not as much as we would have had we had a gift ourselves.

He does have form for being tight with money, he once came to bring-a-bottle party with a bottle of strawberryade!

Bananarama21 · 09/10/2021 09:55

The fact you couldn't pop 20 quid or a nice bottle of wine is petty.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:55

Thanks for all your replies! 😊We have hinted for the money, for example few weeks after the wedding said we needed to buy a oven for our new house. They were present but never spoke up. Later that week they came to visit and joked about our new fridge “oh I would of bought that for you” . This happened multiple times. It was very frustrating.

I would never ask for money from someone and that close relative knows that.

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 09/10/2021 09:56

Dude, you were too out and out aggressive. You should have gone passive aggressive and bought them a loo brush in the shape of an elephant with a note that you'll buy them something better and bigger at some point in the future.

Rookie error.

Bananarama21 · 09/10/2021 09:56

Also our best men said he got us a dinner set with our married name on it never materialised we don't hold grudges

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:58

Personally it felt like it was a gift they had no intention of gifting! That’s why we never pushed for it.

For those saying why not give them £20 voucher. We would be the same issue as it wouldn’t compare to the £1000 gift they’ve “given us”. So we would of still gotten this grief. The only way to avoid it would of been gifting £1000 for a £1000 gift we have never received!

OP posts:
Werehamster · 09/10/2021 09:59

Well, I think good on you!

They sound annoying as heck!

DappledThings · 09/10/2021 09:59

I would never ask for money from someone and that close relative knows that.
Then you need to let it go. They do seem to be being a little odd about it but they have offered you the money. You need to either ask instead of hinting or just forget about it and don't take revenge for it by not buying them a gift.

Werehamster · 09/10/2021 10:00

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.

Sonex · 09/10/2021 10:01

I'd have bought them a generic £20 gift, picture frame.or something

wallysally · 09/10/2021 10:01

I would say to them the same thing they said to you and then when they ask for it I would say "oh yes well we have spotted a (insert item) so instead of buying for each other and transferring money let's just buy for ourselves and save the hassle!

Still1nLove · 09/10/2021 10:05

I would buy them a toaster.

MargotMoon · 09/10/2021 10:06

Were they waiting for you to decide what you wanted? As a pp said, why not say "we've finally decided that we'd like X item, can you order it?"

Sofaking355 · 09/10/2021 10:09

They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over

This a million times over with bells on and what I was thinking before you even said that that. You don't ''offer'' people a gift, you give it. Such a bizarre thing to do and also inappropriate in that many people would feel too uncomfortable to go and ask for it and the relative knew this so put you on the spot ultimately looking like the good guy through lip service.

The relative is also inappropriate in telling people about it, a gift is a private thing but the relative is using it as a means to look good/boast when I don't think they ever had any intention to hand it over but rather have it as a mere publicity stunt.

Yanbu op but were you invited to relative's wedding? How exactly did the family know who gave/didn't give presents? If you'd being invited I'd have just put the standard amount in a car and gave it regardless of whether they gave you a present as I'm not 12 but if I hadn't been invited I wouldn't have given anything probably. It's a private topic and not one people should be talking about anyway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread