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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
ToffeePennie · 10/10/2021 23:36

So next time they bring it up “oh yes (fake laugh) you mean the…the….oh, we never did see any of the money that you offered did we? Oh well. I guess that means we are even then (fake sickly smile) biscuit anyone?” Then change the subject and keep changing the subject. If it’s really frustrating you could always outright say “look you offered us 1k, but so far we haven’t seen a penny. I don’t care if you haven’t got the money any more, but you need to stop bringing it up at every opportunity, as we never actually HAD any of the money.”

Cocogreen · 11/10/2021 00:51

I don't know who is worse: the relative who never gave the money or the extended family who when this is explained to them by you still think they were generous???!!!
Give them nothing for their wedding and if anyone asks why just explain ( yet again) why not.
I think I'd be avoiding family get togethers!

Catflapkitkat · 11/10/2021 03:06

I hate people that promise and don't deliver. I had to stop a relative promising my 6 year olds Disneyland trips and expensive bikes. When challaged he yelled 'Are you telling me I can't treat the kids' I had to say - but it will NEVER happen. It NEVER does and I am left to explain - he just says things, he doesn't mean it'

I don't see how it became your responsibility to 'ASK' for the money. That is too awkward. They know what they promised, they know they didn't pay up but I would be as mad as hell they were telling everyone they did. I would be putting everyone straight no matter how much it embarrassed them. Do NOT get them a gift. In fact, don't go to the wedding.

Good luck OP

user7692398242 · 11/10/2021 05:39

I've read the whole thread and think you should either give them an imaginary £1k back, or a massively ugly vase that they have to put on the side every time you go over there!

Coffeey · 11/10/2021 05:50

I too think you should say you're gift is giving them their £1000 back.. then brag about how generous you are.

Eealoty · 11/10/2021 06:04

@Werehamster

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.
Love this idea Grin
SuperSange · 11/10/2021 06:05

I don't think you've handled it particularly well, but I as sure as shit wools t let them get away with bragging bout it. Are you there when they're saying it? If so, why don't you just say' I'm so pleased you brought that up, we've got something in mind if you'd like to do a transfer' Simple. I totally understand that you shouldn't have to ask for gifts and all that, but would I fuck let them get away with bragging about it.

Bounce55 · 11/10/2021 06:11

Buy them a large cheap mirror, then they can see what a twat they are every time they look at it

oakleydo · 11/10/2021 07:32

All this hinting, hoping, dancing around. Just have a frank and open conversation with them. Not everyone takes hints in the same way

It seems rather silly for somebody to give you £1k and then you give £1k

Just call it quits but for heavens sake: speak up!

pelosi · 11/10/2021 07:32

So much gaslighting on this thread.

OP, you did the right thing not getting them a gift.

Start having fun with this, as you say. Answer back every time that you also reciprocated with a £1,000 offer, so the present exchange is done.

Make sure you do not lend them money, they will not pay you back because they will say that was your gift to them.

StargazerAli · 11/10/2021 07:37

'You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.'

👌

Heronwatcher · 11/10/2021 07:42

God, this all sounds mad. You won’t ask about this gift but you’ll happily post on mumsnet? Either have an adult conversation about this or let it go. Buy your relatives a toaster, give them some cash towards a honeymoon, or something else standard. Tell family they are odd until this passes. If anyone else in your family gets married tell them to do a list like every normal person does.

Looubylou · 11/10/2021 09:26

Surely when people say how lucky you were/ how generous they are, you say actually they haven't given/bought us anything? Make that clear everytime it is mentioned and move on. Tell them to spend the £1000 and consider it your gift to them, and if your lack of gifting is alluded to in the family, make it clear that's what you did. . I'm a direct person, so find all this tiptoeing about unbearable.

SingleMamaGY · 11/10/2021 10:54

IMO they would’ve never given the money- they’re on the wind up and I agree with you for not buying a wedding gift - f&ck em

SingleMamaGY · 11/10/2021 10:56

Buy them some bull sh1t spray!

Stilsmiling · 11/10/2021 12:01

Could they have wanted you to ask them directly for the money for an item? Maybe they wanted a bit of a power trip with you asking and them feeling like they have something over you? You know your relatives. Either way, you could have tested the water with them and said directly and privately “We are thinking of buying an oven/fridge. We can go ahead an buy ourselves but if your very kind offer was still available then we would use that for our purchase.”
If they are a bit arsey and like to brag then there’s nothing you can do about that. You can however choose your own behaviour and I would have just given a gift for their wedding. That would make them feel worse I imagine as they hadn’t given you anything.

havesomepatience · 11/10/2021 12:49

When I remarried 13 years ago a relative who has a villa in Spain made a big show in front of everyone saying how we could have a week in their Villa as a wedding gift. There was never mention of it again whenever we met up. I felt that they should have asked when we wanted to go and we found it embarrassing to ask as they didnt bring up the subject again.

Porfre · 11/10/2021 12:58

I'm sorry but regardless of what you've posted YABU.
Because you didnt actually ask for the gift.
From what you've posted its obvious they didnt intend to give you a gift. But unless you've actually told them what you want and they refuse you cant call them out on it, because they'll just reply- you didnt ask for anything.

I've done this a couple of times myself.
Once when my sister got a house and moved in- as a housewarming gift. Told her buy a washing machine let me know how much it cost and I'll send the money over.

Second time.

When sister having a baby. I want to buy you a gift for the baby, how about the travel system?
When you've chosen what you want let me know how much it cost and I'll send the money.

If she hadnt said anything it would have been down to her. Both times she said I've chosen what I want and told me how much it was.
If she hadnt said anything then started complaining after, I hadnt got her anything I would have thought she was absolutely bonkers.

Barmychick · 11/10/2021 13:01

Can't be bothered with this sort of game I wouldn't give them headspace !

browneyes77 · 11/10/2021 13:59

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I wouldn’t have not bought a gift because they hadn’t got me one…

as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000

apparently we were the issue by not asking for it.

why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

These make it seem like the person in your family often offers to buy something valuable for special occasions, and you’ve misunderstood. It was never £1k cash in an envelope, from what you’ve said here. It was that they’d buy you something that you wanted up to that value. If you’ve never told them what, you can’t spend two years holding grudges and complaining about them to other family members. You had the offer, you’ve just waited a bizarrely long time to use it.

After two years, you not getting them anything and some bizarre-sounding conversations where you’ve moaned about them to other family members, it’ll be difficult to ascertain if the offer still stands without awkwardness… but from what you’ve written here, this doesn’t seem unusual for the family member and you’ve got no evidence at all that they have a history of offering things and not seeing them through, so YABU.

Initially I voted YANBU, but actually after reading this post, I’m on the fence now as I think both parties are at fault here.

If they offered to gift you the value of £1000 and not the actual £1000 in cash, then they’ve been waiting for you to tell them what you want. You haven’t told them.

Equally, they could’ve asked you themselves, if you’d decided on anything you wanted yet. They chose not to, knowing full well (as they say themselves) that you were unlikely to ask.

Biker47 · 11/10/2021 14:13

I'd have given them a wedding card with £1000 of Monopoly money in it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/10/2021 14:15

@Henryhoover12

Thanks for all your replies! 😊We have hinted for the money, for example few weeks after the wedding said we needed to buy a oven for our new house. They were present but never spoke up. Later that week they came to visit and joked about our new fridge “oh I would of bought that for you” . This happened multiple times. It was very frustrating.

I would never ask for money from someone and that close relative knows that.

Then why didn’t you say it was £500 etc and thank you. Cash would be great
HairyScaryMonster · 11/10/2021 14:36

I'd have given them £50 or whatever you usually give. If they ask why not more, say it's more than you gave, welcome to write a cheque whenever you like.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/10/2021 15:17

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.

It's funny, but do not do this!

They will probably have their hand out straight away. If you felt uncomfortable asking for a money gift, I can't imagine you'll be any more comfortable with someone chasing you and telling you to pay up!

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 11/10/2021 18:45

I can see why me not asking for the money outright could make me unreasonable, but even with this info I would still not ask for the money. But surely it’s unreasonable to make someone ask for a gift to start of with, I mean a gift shouldn’t be asked for. It must be even more unreasonable to make someone who you know and openly admit will never ask for the money for a host of reasons ask for money.

X: everyone I’ve gifted henryhoover my Ferrari, I know she has a fear of driving and will never ask to drive it but I will wait for her to do so. Until then I will drive the Ferrari but tell everyone it’s her gift and how generous I am to gift her a Ferrari. Is it not the same?

OP posts: