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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:45

@ManifestingJoy thank you, I was honestly starting to think I’m the crazy one. They are cheeky to blab about their generosity and never deliver. Surely someone that “generous” would never need hints to deliver it, they just would. Unless they never had the intention of doing so.

OP posts:
ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:45

[quote Henryhoover12]@Ijustreallywantacat have you actually read any of my replies. I have never sat and waited for money in a envelope. I have indicated multiple times that I’m looking to buy x fridge or y oven and they have sat there in silence. I can’t go and open their wallet and grab their bank card now can I.

I also disagree that they are equally as embarrassed by this gift fiasco since they won’t stop blabing on about it in every family gathering! So i imagine they very much love the attention it’s bringing them[/quote]
When they mention it in front of others, do they say they funded some item? do they specify which item that was, or is it still something they believe they will do in the future.

Sounds like they ''remember'' giving you 1,000 even though you never saw it!

Idontlike · 09/10/2021 11:46

[quote Henryhoover12]@Ijustreallywantacat have you actually read any of my replies. I have never sat and waited for money in a envelope. I have indicated multiple times that I’m looking to buy x fridge or y oven and they have sat there in silence. I can’t go and open their wallet and grab their bank card now can I.

I also disagree that they are equally as embarrassed by this gift fiasco since they won’t stop blabing on about it in every family gathering! So i imagine they very much love the attention it’s bringing them[/quote]
But never specifically said “we’ve decided on our wedding gift you offered to buy us, we would like X”

Why hint? That’s just you saying you were going to buy X. If you had actually said to them 5at you would like them to get you X as your wedding present it would have been a lot simpler.

5329871e · 09/10/2021 11:47

I don’t understand why you got yourself into this awkward position. So I voted YABU. Obviously your relative is BU too. You both are.

This is what I’d say in your situation: “Sorry we didn’t get you a wedding present. I just felt so awkward because you promised us £1000 and it never materialised! [BIG SMILE] What shall we do? Shall we just say we’re giving you £1000 and call it even?? [DELIBERATELY FAKE AWKWARD GIGGLE]”

And every time they mention giving you £1000 in front of other people, just smile widely and say “And we also gave you £1000 for your wedding! Isn’t that awesome!”

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 11:48

The thing is the gift was we will buy you something to the value of 1k , it was then on the op to say what that should be. It Was never we will give you a grand

The op should have said that’s lovely we would like x please. She refused point blank to ever actually say what she wished them to buy and then passive aggressively refused to buy them a gift.

For me, this ones on the op. If she’d said I’d love x please, and they never bought it it would be different, but she didn’t, they made an offer and she refused point blank to ever tell them what she would like them to buy,

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:49

[quote Henryhoover12]@ManifestingJoy thank you, I was honestly starting to think I’m the crazy one. They are cheeky to blab about their generosity and never deliver. Surely someone that “generous” would never need hints to deliver it, they just would. Unless they never had the intention of doing so.[/quote]
I agree with you!!! It's like no gift+gas lighting you (that makes them look good).

I'd need a drink!

If they're good friends otherwise though I'd bring it up with them but in a way that saves them face and avoids a row. Eg say something like I figured out that you must have given us 1000 in an envelope that went missing. Because at first I was waiting for you to fund my oven or my xxxxx, but you were silent and it was uncomfortable and I couldn't work out why you weren't taking our suggestion after offering. So I've figured out what happened, you gave us the money in an envelope and we never got it. You have probably been wondering why we never thanked you.

KaptainKaveman · 09/10/2021 11:50

Or a cheque for £1,000 post dated to about twenty years from now. That'll work Grin.

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:51

This is what I’d say in your situation: “Sorry we didn’t get you a wedding present. I just felt so awkward because you promised us £1000 and it never materialised! [BIG SMILE] What shall we do? Shall we just say we’re giving you £1000 and call it even?? [DELIBERATELY FAKE AWKWARD GIGGLE]”

I don't think this is crazy. I wouldn't add in the laugh but I'd say ''I was struggling to figure it out but I really value your friendship and nobody's made of money and this friendship is worth so much more than money'' et cetera.....................

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:51

@Bluntness100 did you not see the part when I brought up to them the fridge or the oven? When have I ever refused to say what I wanted. I’ve made it clear what I want multiple times but they just stare blankly. The only thing I didn’t do was ask for their bank card to pay for it as I believe that should come from them and I was taught that was rude (in which they would of too)

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 09/10/2021 11:54

The only way to end this, OP, is to bring it to a head in a public situation. You need to wait until the whole extended family is present and then ask why they haven't given you the money. Then verbally itemise everything you mentioned which they claimed would have bought you, then ask why they didn't. Then you need to say "do you want to give us a wedding present or not? if so, can we have the money now please? if not, that's fine". Then see how they react.

Porfre · 09/10/2021 11:55

Well you've had plenty of chances to say to them.
We need a new oven or we need a new fridge.

Hinting isnt enough. Sometimes you have to be direct.
And ideally should have done it ASAP.

Personally I would do a token gift. Or ask for something prior to their wedding and if you get your gift decide what you want to give them.

It isnt their fault tou havent told them what you want for a gift.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 11:58

[quote Henryhoover12]@Bluntness100 did you not see the part when I brought up to them the fridge or the oven? When have I ever refused to say what I wanted. I’ve made it clear what I want multiple times but they just stare blankly. The only thing I didn’t do was ask for their bank card to pay for it as I believe that should come from them and I was taught that was rude (in which they would of too)[/quote]
Yes of course I saw it, you’ve posted it repeatedly. At no stage have you said thank you I’d like this please. The point is valid and remains.

mcmooberry · 09/10/2021 11:59

They knew exactly what they were doing bringing it up at every family occasion and not delivering. For 2 years!! Can the rest of the family not understand that you actually received sweet FA from them?!
I agree with the poster above, say you didn't want to put them in the embarrassing position of receiving a wedding present when they were 2 years late with yours. They could have just handed over the money at your wedding and allowed you to choose something, what awful people they sound.

cleanasawhistle · 09/10/2021 11:59

I would set anyone straight that mentions the generous gift.

When we got married my 2 sisters and mam offered to buy us a certain item.....the sister who delivered the item to us never did pay her share but wanted all the glory.......but she wont realise I know that.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2021 12:01

[quote Henryhoover12]@Bluntness100 did you not see the part when I brought up to them the fridge or the oven? When have I ever refused to say what I wanted. I’ve made it clear what I want multiple times but they just stare blankly. The only thing I didn’t do was ask for their bank card to pay for it as I believe that should come from them and I was taught that was rude (in which they would of too)[/quote]
You talked about a few items in a group situation. This sounds like general chit chat.

Talking about multiple things also in a group situation is not the same as saying “we’re looking to get this oven, would that be ok as a gift from you?” directly to the offerer.

Porfre · 09/10/2021 12:01

[quote Henryhoover12]@Bluntness100 did you not see the part when I brought up to them the fridge or the oven? When have I ever refused to say what I wanted. I’ve made it clear what I want multiple times but they just stare blankly. The only thing I didn’t do was ask for their bank card to pay for it as I believe that should come from them and I was taught that was rude (in which they would of too)[/quote]
Say something like.

Hi "x".

We need a new fridge. This is the one we want. Can you buy this for our wedding gift thanks. We need it ordered by the end the week. Thanks
Really grateful. Hugs and kisses.

Seriously, sod their personal situation. If they're bragging about the gift it cant be that bad.

And if they refuse, well you have your answer.

Kuachui · 09/10/2021 12:01

I would have given them £1000... And done the exact same back to them, keep giving excuses and dodging it maybe even make it £1500

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2021 12:01

Why on earth didn’t you tackle it head on?

“Sis/Bro/Cousin, now you’re getting married why don’t we just call it quits on the wedding gift- seems silly you offering to buy us a big expensive gift when we’ll then need to buy you one too. Why don’t we both go out for champagne to celebrate instead?”

And when it’s mentioned by anyone else set them straight - “yes, they did offer us a very generous gift but we haven’t ever taken them up on that so really, it’s not accurate to say they’ve given us anything.”

Be direct.

Chilver · 09/10/2021 12:01

Being direct doesn't mean being demanding. You could have asked them, directly, as in: 'This is the oven we are looking at getting. Could this the wedding gift you could get for us please? 'Or, 'is this something you could contribute to please?' Or 'Is this the type of gift you were thinking about for our wedding gift?'

chaosrabbitland · 09/10/2021 12:05

i think your being reasonable , if they wanted you to have a gift of a grand they should have just handed it over , instead the uncomfortable onus was put onto you with oh we have found a cutlery set we want , could we have that thousand now ? i can well understand why you felt akward about that , i wouldnt have wanted to have to ask or hint for it either, and no i wouldnt be getting them a gift either , might be petty to some im sure , but why should you , they know full well they have never given you the money and they havent nagged once about what you want for it either , it was all for show , im a bit evil so id be tempted to say id gift them up to a thousand and suggest swaping envelopes of money lol . honestly though id let them stew about their lack of a gift , its not worth worrying about

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2021 12:05

Your responses have little attempt to see another point of view and use affected language so tbh that says a lot more about you.

I can’t say if they are a twat or not as they could be genuine but you haven’t actually approached it.

But even if they are just all talk, you’re still petty and unrelenting that you are in the right for only “hinting” so there’s not really much that can be said to make you more open to other ways to handle the situation.

Hawkins001 · 09/10/2021 12:05

@Henryhoover12

Personally it felt like it was a gift they had no intention of gifting! That’s why we never pushed for it.

For those saying why not give them £20 voucher. We would be the same issue as it wouldn’t compare to the £1000 gift they’ve “given us”. So we would of still gotten this grief. The only way to avoid it would of been gifting £1000 for a £1000 gift we have never received!

what about regifting their original gift, eg instead of giving us the 1k keep it as your wedding gift instead ?
Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 12:07

I’ve got a relative like this. I’m still owed a £500 present from my 30th
Now mid 40s

billy1966 · 09/10/2021 12:09

@coconutpie

YANBU. A gift is something that is given, not offered. They put you in the awful position of saying they'd give you something worth £1k but then you had to beg for it. They could easily have given you a voucher for £1k or sat down with you and said let's figure out what our gift to you will be. They have not done that. I can't believe the CFery of them telling family members they gave you a £1k present! They are liars, they have given you nothing.

I couldn't be passive about this anymore. Now is your time to set the entire family straight. No, X never gave us a present. They have talked about this present for 2 years and told everybody about it but they haven't given it to us. They have fooled you all. We have assumed that we will never receive the gift and have decided that it's better to just draw a line in the sand and not give them a wedding present either.

I think the CFs like the idea of getting people to beg for their present. That's awful.

Completely agree.

They never had any intention of gifting you that is clear.

Awful way to behave.

Do not accept any grief from anyone.

It is none of their business.

Simply say just because he said they gifted us, doesn't make it true.

We never received any gift. End of story.

If they mention it in front of you again say " are you still going on about that gift that you NEVER gave us" with a laugh.

Twats.

MinnieGirl · 09/10/2021 12:10

Blimey I would need a big drink if this was my issue!

They are CF who have been extremely rude to tell you they were gifting you and then not do so. No way would I get them anything or go to their wedding. And next time someone mentions it just give a tinkling laugh and say Oh yes the promised wedding gift! So odd to tell everyone they had given us this money when they clearly have no intention of doing so.

And next time you are in their company and they bring it up, just smile sweetly and say we both know you have no intention of making that gift to us so let’s just stop talking about it and move on…. And turn away from them.

After that, any time it’s mentioned just keep smiling and saying you all know we didn’t receive that gift, so odd to keep talking about it.

They are not decent people, and it’s their issue not yours. Definitely don’t buy them a gift and be unavailable for the wedding