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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
Sofaking355 · 09/10/2021 10:52

The reason we hinted is because what if their financial situation had changed?. When the gift was offered they weren’t planning a wedding which as we all know is expensive

yes, but if they offered 1000 in the first place you'd assume that even a wedding to them wouldn't make a dent and they were very well off. Because to most people, 1000 is a lot of money and certainly not something you'd be gifting at a wedding so readily. Anybody that could offer that as a gift was either rich or chatting shit which in your case is the latter.

I'm on your side op, as I said previously I don't think you ever were going to get it but I had assumed early on the relative was very wealthy initially and older like an aunt or grandparent etc.

Getoutofbed25 · 09/10/2021 10:55

I would have said
‘we are going to gift you £1000 the same as you gifted us, to to save each of us transferring to to one and other let’s just use our own money, we have put your money towards our new kitchen, thank you so much!’

LonginesPrime · 09/10/2021 10:56

They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it”

So they knew they wouldn't have to give it to you in the first place, but they continue to dine out on their 'generosity' for years with this imaginary gift by reminding everyone over and over that your 'gift' is still waiting for you?

I'd be pissed of by this point too, OP - I don't blame you for not wanting to be generous for their wedding. They sound like a showy arsehole.

Ijustreallywantacat · 09/10/2021 10:56

*Well OP, they wanted to buy you a real gift, of your choosing but you wanted cold hard cash in an envelope.

That’s your problem, not their’s.

You cut off your nose to spite your face. It was silly to quietly passively wait for the envelope of cash, whilst you could have (up until the point where you gifted them nothing) chosen any gift.

Often family like to give a thing, not cash to fritter away.

You decided not to use that offer, but you can’t hold that against them.*

Maybe they are equally as perplexed and feeling awkward about the fact you haven't asked for anything!

I think you needed to have bit the bullet and actually actually. You keep saying they know that you'd never ask for it...well obviously not if they keep hinting.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/10/2021 10:56

They have bee very odd. You either give a gift or you don't. You don't say that you will but someone a gift but don't actually approach them and ask them what they'd like. They probably knew that they would be able to slink out of giving you it but as the same time, appear Billy big baws by telling everyone about their generosity. I wouldn't bother with them anymore tbh and make it clear to family that they offered, you said in front of them that you needed a new oven etc yet they never offered. Basically they made a big show about their generous gift but made no effort to actually make it materialise.

LonginesPrime · 09/10/2021 10:57

*off

Getoutofbed25 · 09/10/2021 10:58

The other party are unreasonable, they should have made the gift without the couple literally having to ask for it, how demeaning

Frostine · 09/10/2021 11:00

" Hi here is your wedding present ( whatever , let's say it cost £50 ) we were going to reciprocate with your generous £1000 , but as not received have held back £950 , so I guess almost quits "

itsallgoingpearshaped · 09/10/2021 11:02

Oh FFS, just call them out on it. Send them the link to an in-stock piece of furniture or appliance or tv you want/need and tell them you've finally decided on your wedding present. Ask them to have it sent directly to your home, please.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/10/2021 11:05

You need to use your words on this occasion.

Ask for a gift voucher for their promised £1000 to a particular place as you have found what you want there as your promised wedding gift. Dont ask, don't get.

Cherryana · 09/10/2021 11:06

What’s annoying is that they didn’t keep their word. And then on top of that - are presenting to the outside that they did.

That’s their weird behaviour.

I think that you didn’t give them any wedding present at all (even a plant, a gesture) is your weird behaviour.

It is therefore no surprise that weird behaviour + weird behaviour = falling out

… you need to take responsibility for what is yours to take responsibility for and say sorry and make amends.

Why they do - you can’t control.

Let go of being right.

EishetChayil · 09/10/2021 11:08

Why so much hinting and subterfuge? So British! Just outright ask what the deal is.

Kite22 · 09/10/2021 11:09

For their wedding, I would do what I would normally do for a wedding - ie give a gift (and it would more likely be £50 than £1000).

If THEY mention it, critically, I would say that it is actually quite generous considering they haven't given you anything.
If anyone else mentions it, then I would firstly say how rude it was to discuss what gifts people choose to give and it isn't a matter for public debate. If they specifically say the other person gave you £1000, then let them know that ,no, the other person told everyone they were going to, but, in reality, they have never given you anything at all for a wedding present, which is fine in itself - there is no obligation - BUT is a bit odd that they keep lying about it to everyone.

notthemum · 09/10/2021 11:09

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Tell all your family members you gave them £1k. They keep your gift to you, you keep your gift to them. It's pretty damn simple?
This exactly.
paisley256 · 09/10/2021 11:11

You shouldn't have to ask for a gift they offered they are being weird. You don't offer a gift then sit back and do nothing, if they wanted you to have it they would have directly asked you what do you want but they never.

Lockdownbear · 09/10/2021 11:12

I'd go with a tit for tat idea either, once you've decided what you want we'll give you £1000, or see that £1000 spend it on yourself and say its from us!

Jumpingintochristmas · 09/10/2021 11:14

I would hold firm and say ‘uncle Jim/big sister Joy/cousin Judy etc did not give us a wedding gift, nor ever come and say choose something please and send me the link to pay, I can’t understand why anyone would think otherwise’.

Maybe83 · 09/10/2021 11:16

The person you didn't buy a gift for isn't the same person that said they would buy you a present worth a 1000.

From what I can make out from your post. If that is correct what have they got to do with it.

It makes you look petty to be honest. You should have gifted the second relative what ever you would for a normal wedding.

SentDeliveredRead · 09/10/2021 11:17

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Oh FFS, just call them out on it. Send them the link to an in-stock piece of furniture or appliance or tv you want/need and tell them you've finally decided on your wedding present. Ask them to have it sent directly to your home, please.
I think this is a good solution. It would piss me off big time them cracking on about it all the time, not the gift itself
Redredwiney · 09/10/2021 11:18

It was rude to make their offer that never materialised about their wedding. I would never not give a wedding gift. Ever. It’s plain rude, so you’re as bad as each other. In fact, you come off worse because you’re petty.

meadowbleu · 09/10/2021 11:18

I find this all very bizarre.

In my world anyone offering a thousand pounds worth of gift would have to be someone extremely close to me. If it was I'll pay for something you'd like then I imagine they'd either pass over £1,000 and say enjoy, let me know what you spend it on please, or they'd stump up the money towards a sofa or honeymoon or whatever. If they're that close why can't you just straighten things out between you rather than it festering on.

It's incredibly crass to keep on mentioning how generous they are and yet never have done anything proactive about giving you a gift of any kind and it's dishonest.

It's so strange that family kind of blame you for the situation and I don't know why, when other people go on about it, you don't say 'let's get this straight, there has been no money from X and no wedding gift of any kind'

HollowTalk · 09/10/2021 11:18

Can you call them out on that? Say something like you know you promised some money for our wedding? I'd really appreciate it now to buy X if the offer is still open. Otherwise you are going to be subject to them banging on about it forever.

MrsDoctorDear · 09/10/2021 11:19

They are fur coat no knickers. Its all for show.
I wouldn't dream of asking for the money, it's totally embarrassing.

Do what PP has suggested, write in the card "please keep the £1000 you promised us and treat yourselves instead"

We had a family member (big ticket) who was adamant they wanted to pay for our photographer. (For info, they are very into photoshoots, hazy portrait ones, that sort of thing).
We said thank you, that's so generous but we won't be having one.
Very low key chilled (2nd) wedding, very informal. So on the day they gave us a card.

Bemused that they wanted to fork out 100s but couldn't buy a set of tea towels or bottle of wine. Who knew if they would have paid for the photographer or was it just for show.

fumfspos · 09/10/2021 11:19

What a carry on and a lot of poor communication.
You can be direct without being out and out rude.
But as it's gone on so long I'd just repeat to every single person who talks about it that you were promised the money but they haven't given you it and it's unlikely to be given now.
Broken record. Keep repeating that they haven't given you it.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:20

Honestly there is such a polarised opinions here it’s confusing . Those who think we are correct as a gift should not be offered but gifted.

Then there are those we think we are wrong for not being more direct. I’m aware it’s not the norm to beg for a gift and this family member would also be aware of that as we grew up in the same family. The “hinting” would be very normal for family member to understand ,so by them choosing to ignore it it indicated to us they know what we’re asking but don’t intend to pay. For whatever reason. So for them to require us to beg for a gift then it’s not a gift at all.

OP posts: