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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
Sofaking355 · 09/10/2021 10:33

We were invited and perhaps we were wrong not to chuck £20 in a card but that would of still caused the same problems now as our £20 wouldn’t compare to their imaginary £1000

mmm see that's where you went wrong, I'd have still given a present here. Just the standard amount in a card but by not giving you look petty and it's inviting drama.

Not for one second supporting the relative because they are a moron. I'd hand over the standard gift still to a relative, nothing excess, and then refuse to discuss it if it's brought up. Be dignified and say '' the gifts I give are my business and it is inappropriate to raise these issues.'' Don't get into a tit-for-tat row and just ignore any conversations over it and it will blow over.

If people say ''but you got 1000'' say ''no we didn't ask for it if you check but I don't think it's tasteful to discuss other fiances'' and shut it down. Don't say anything or converse about it as you know what you say will be twisted.

coconutpie · 09/10/2021 10:34

YANBU. A gift is something that is given, not offered. They put you in the awful position of saying they'd give you something worth £1k but then you had to beg for it. They could easily have given you a voucher for £1k or sat down with you and said let's figure out what our gift to you will be. They have not done that. I can't believe the CFery of them telling family members they gave you a £1k present! They are liars, they have given you nothing.

I couldn't be passive about this anymore. Now is your time to set the entire family straight. No, X never gave us a present. They have talked about this present for 2 years and told everybody about it but they haven't given it to us. They have fooled you all. We have assumed that we will never receive the gift and have decided that it's better to just draw a line in the sand and not give them a wedding present either.

I think the CFs like the idea of getting people to beg for their present. That's awful.

Holskey · 09/10/2021 10:34

When they said they will keep nagging you to take it, you should have said "oh okay then, transfer it to this account please and we'll put it towards x". But I do appreciated the awkwardness of them making you claim your gift.

I personally would've have bought them a gift though. Would've spent a standard amount, whatever that is for you.

CharityDingle · 09/10/2021 10:34

Yes, the 1k gift materialises.

Sorry I left out a word. I meant to say 'when the 1k gift materialises'

Anordinarymum · 09/10/2021 10:35

Easy peasy way to deal with this.

Give them a card stating they gifted you 1K. Say on the card 'Right back at you'.

And breathe..........

Bellringer · 09/10/2021 10:36

They didn't want to give money, the would have paid for a gift you chose

Sofaking355 · 09/10/2021 10:38

You should have called them out sooner and when they kept saying oh
I would have bought that for you then asked them directly for the money

cfs and bullies are the same though in that they prey on those who won't call you out. That's how they get away with it.

Chewbecca · 09/10/2021 10:38

I think you should have been more direct e.g. ‘we’ve decided we’d like x for our gift, thank you so much’.

KeyLimePies · 09/10/2021 10:39

Could you just say to the happy couple that you’re giving them £1k too, and as you haven’t had their £1k gift yet should you just call it quits?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/10/2021 10:40

Go back and tell everyone that they were right and you were completely in the wrong. You now intend to give the happy couple £1000, and will be handing it over imminently, just as soon as you have had your wedding present from them.

KeyLimePies · 09/10/2021 10:41

@YodaiamsaidI

I would have wrote on the wedding card"please keep the £1000 you promised us and treat yourselves instead" Grin
Actually, I would go with this - genius!
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 10:41

@coconutpie I agree totally, we felt we had to beg for this gift and that’s not a gift at all! We only wanted to actually receive a gift so when people speak of how lucky we are to have something we actually have something to show for it. This is my point also for the people saying we were wrong to not directly ask for a bank transfer. Our family member knows we’re not like that, so why not sit us down and be like right what do you want. Or when we mention it to I’ll pay for that. Or if after 2 years and it’s lapsed just chuck it in a John Lewis gift card or something

OP posts:
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 10:44

Also I would like to add for those saying we should of demanded the money from them. The reason we hinted is because what if their financial situation had changed?. When the gift was offered they weren’t planning a wedding which as we all know is expensive. So what if we demanded they paid for the fridge and they no longer could afford it because they had paid for a wedding. I would never dream of embarrassing someone like that. Which adds to my frustration of when they still bragged!

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 09/10/2021 10:44

How strange (of them).
And I would have done exactly what you did, tbh.

NotSorry · 09/10/2021 10:45

I think I would just keep putting others straight. “I don’t know why Aunty Maud keeps telling people about the wedding gift, she didn’t buy us anything” it’s that simple

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2021 10:45

It’s not £20 or £1000. There are other variable that won’t make you seem stingy or petty. Obviously only do more if you can afford it and what you would do regardless of what they bought you.

Phobiaphobic · 09/10/2021 10:46

I'd absolutely say you'd like to buy them a gift of their choice, worth up to £1,000. You then keep the rest of the family happy, plus if they claim on it you can just do the same back. Sorted. It's the perfect checkmate.

waterrat · 09/10/2021 10:46

Seriously petty.

Trudij123 · 09/10/2021 10:46

@Werehamster

You could always give them an imaginary 2,000 pounds. Just bang on about how generous you were to give them 2,000 pounds when they only gave you 1,000 pounds, but you're just really generous like that.
This !! Grin
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/10/2021 10:47

They would have just given you £1k cash or cheque if they really wanted you to have that. It’s insane they’ve told people about a gift that never materialised.
Stand your ground “they didn’t give us anything”

Gazelda · 09/10/2021 10:49

So where do you go from here?
Do you want to bring back harmony to the wider family? Or do you want to stand your ground.

Personally, I think I'd respect and understand either of the above 2 options.

You could continue to explain that you've never received the 1k gift but you regret not giving them a gift to wish them well in their marriage. Bung some money in a card. Job done.

Or invite the newlyweds for coffee and say that you wish there hadn't been this sad misunderstanding and that you've felt awkward asking for the money so have never done so. Hand over a card with cash as a wedding gift to them. Plus a bottle champagne maybe? Tell them you don't expect them to gift you £1k as they are newlyweds but if they're determined to honour the offer, you'd love a special clock or dining table or whatever that'll stay in the family for years.

Everyone in the wider family should keep their beaks out

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 09/10/2021 10:49

Well OP, they wanted to buy you a real gift, of your choosing but you wanted gold hard cash in an envelope

That’s your problem, not their’s

You cut off your nose to spite your face. It was silly to quietly passively wait for the envelope of cash, whilst you could have (up until the point where you gifted them nothing) chosen any gift

Often family like to give a thing, not cash to fritter away

You decided not to use that offer, but you can’t hold that against them

CornishTiger · 09/10/2021 10:49

Just repeat on a broken record.

We never received any money. We were told it would happen but it wasn’t received. We no longer expect it to be forthcoming.

SoupDragon · 09/10/2021 10:49

they will say “oh I would of bought that for you”.

Then you reply "that's very generous. It was £xxx, here are my bank details"

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2021 10:51

@Henryhoover12

Also I would like to add for those saying we should of demanded the money from them. The reason we hinted is because what if their financial situation had changed?. When the gift was offered they weren’t planning a wedding which as we all know is expensive. So what if we demanded they paid for the fridge and they no longer could afford it because they had paid for a wedding. I would never dream of embarrassing someone like that. Which adds to my frustration of when they still bragged!
Again, there are other option between hinting and demanding. Being direct doesn’t mean being demanding.

Going to them and saying “we’ve been thinking about how to use the money, could we get x?” Rather than just talking about things you’d like to buy in a group situation and expecting them to go “I’ll buy that!”

It doesn’t sound like you’ve spoken to them one on one at all. Sure finances can change but they keep saying they are still offering it so that’s you clue that you can still ask…

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