Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

[Henryhoover12]

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

So person A has made it difficult for you to take your present or you are being awkward about it so you are not going to give a gift to person B.

What has the relative who is getting married got to do with all this?

Tbh it's very rude to go about boasting what wedding present you have bought someone especially when you are lying. They have mentioned it so much that people now believe that they have actually bought you a gift worth 1k. Sorry but not sure what the answer is. I think they like the thought of buying such an expensive gift but really have no intention of carrying it through. If they really wanted to go spend 1k they would have gifted you the cash or asked you specifically what you wanted so they could go out and buy it. Tbh I think they are being a cf about this.

I would never ask for money from someone and that close relative knows that.

You aren't asking for money. They have offe

@Sofaking355

They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over

This a million times over with bells on and what I was thinking before you even said that that. You don't ''offer'' people a gift, you give it. Such a bizarre thing to do and also inappropriate in that many people would feel too uncomfortable to go and ask for it and the relative knew this so put you on the spot ultimately looking like the good guy through lip service.

The relative is also inappropriate in telling people about it, a gift is a private thing but the relative is using it as a means to look good/boast when I don't think they ever had any intention to hand it over but rather have it as a mere publicity stunt.

Yanbu op but were you invited to relative's wedding? How exactly did the family know who gave/didn't give presents? If you'd being invited I'd have just put the standard amount in a car and gave it regardless of whether they gave you a present as I'm not 12 but if I hadn't been invited I wouldn't have given anything probably. It's a private topic and not one people should be talking about anyway.

THIS TOTALLY

Posted to soon fat fingers

They have offered to buy you something to the value of £1000. Telling them what you would like them to get is not asking for money.

Tell all your family members you gave them £1k. They keep your gift to you, you keep your gift to them. It's pretty damn simple?

But you never went to them and said we are looking at getting xyz, these are the options we like, could this be the gift?

It sounded like you “hinted” stuff which is always bollocks. Don’t be hinting vaguely the you are buying something when others are around. Tell them the short list or one you want. And the other thing you did was bought things without saying anything to them.

I do think it’s petty not to buy them something.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I would never ask for money from someone and that close relative knows that.

You aren't asking for money. They have offe

A gift is something you give. An offer is something you can take or leave. It's very bizarre to offer a wedding gift and the person offering the 1k is also banking on the fact most people are polite and don't want to appear grabby so will not take them up on their offer. As I said they are a cf.

It was that they’d buy you something that you wanted up to that value. If you’ve never told them what, you can’t spend two years holding grudges and complaining about them to other family members. You had the offer, you’ve just waited a bizarrely long time to use it

I don't agree with this at all, the offer was a castle in the sky in the first place and was a one in that op and her groom was put into a difficult/impossible situation of having to ask for the money. Many people find asking for money difficult and a prickly issue to raise.

The cf of a relative knew this too. I have seen umpteen posts on mn about people too awkward to ask back friends/relatives/family for money or raise money issues. So the cf put the op in a tricky situation.

They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it”

This makes it sound as though they have been waiting for you to tell them what you would like them to spend it on. I agree that they’ve done it in an awkward way as it means you have to ask for it, but I don’t see this as them withholding the gift.

I can empathise though. DHs family have dangled the carrot a few times with us when it comes to money. Mentioning that they are planning to give something and then just not. It’s not like I ever expect anything, and I generally just ignore it now, but I find it odd behaviour. Not sure if it’s a control thing or if they just say it too quickly and then change their minds.

Yanbu. If you're going to give a gift, you actually give it, you don't boast about it. People that do this are twats.

But this is the time for you to get even. Something that doesn't cost a lot, but is hopefully bulky and/or heavy AND personalised so they can't sell it. You can just let them know it will be dropped off at their house.

@Sofaking355 I think you have put into words exactly what we feel.

They have “offered” a gift to someone in the family who they know will never claim that money so why not just gift it- unless it’s a gift they never intended of giving.

It does just feel like a publicity stunt for them as it can not be a single family event without this “very generous gift” being spoken about. Family members will come around and see our new items and ask oh is that what x got you- when we worked hard for it. It’s frustrating that this gift is spoken about something that has been gifted and how lucky we are when we have never even received it.

We were invited and perhaps we were wrong not to chuck £20 in a card but that would of still caused the same problems now as our £20 wouldn’t compare to their imaginary £1000.

It’s a strange scenario and they obviously didn’t want to give cash. The onus was on you to decide what you wanted and tell them which you haven’t done. All seems a bit needlessly dramatic to be honest.

I also agree that it’s weird that they’re telling everyone about the gift they offered you, how inappropriate and embarrassing for everyone involved.

It sounded like you “hinted” stuff which is always bollocks

and ''offering'' a gift isn't bollocks?? Do you go to people's weddings/birthdays/ anniversaries and tell them you'll buy/give them x,y, and z rather than do the normal thing and just give it there and then?

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy I agree with you it just feels like they are dangling a carrot over us. @MiddleClassProblem we have indirectly asked for it. We have spoken about buying this product will wait for a response from them they just make eye contact and say nothing. Then a couple days later when the product has arrived they will say “oh I would of bought that for you”. What more can someone do then hint, ask them to pass their credit card over?

@Sofaking355

It sounded like you “hinted” stuff which is always bollocks

and ''offering'' a gift isn't bollocks?? Do you go to people's weddings/birthdays/ anniversaries and tell them you'll buy/give them x,y, and z rather than do the normal thing and just give it there and then?

No I wouldn’t do any of these things but people “hinting” then being miffed the hints didn’t amount to anything is a lot more common than grandiose gestures that may or may not have had the intention of being fulfilled.

I’m not sure why you think because I think “hinting” is bollocks that it means I’m someone who would offer a gift rather than give one. Being irritated by OP’s vague attempts does not mean I am automatically someone who must be a gift offerer.

I’m reply to the OP about their response to the situation. No point in replying to the gift offerer as they are not here.

You should have called them out sooner and when they kept saying oh
I would have bought that for you then asked them directly for the money.

That said as they have just got married, I am assuming they are similar age in which case it is odd for them to offer you so much when presumably they are just starting out and will need their money to furnish their own lives. I assumed initially the family me,near would be older.
I would have bought them a present just a normal wedding present within budge ie) £50-£100 and not sunk to their pettiness and then made it clear to family members that you never recieved a present of any kind.

Buy them a monopoly game.

But they didnt give you the money! You dont say you will give a present, constantly talk about it and then blame the giftee for not asking for it!

@JuneOsborne

Dude, you were too out and out aggressive. You should have gone passive aggressive and bought them a loo brush in the shape of an elephant with a note that you'll buy them something better and bigger at some point in the future.

Rookie error.

Yes, the 1k gift materialises.

[quote Henryhoover12]**@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy* I agree with you it just feels like they are dangling a carrot over us. @MiddleClassProblem* we have indirectly asked for it. We have spoken about buying this product will wait for a response from them they just make eye contact and say nothing. Then a couple days later when the product has arrived they will say “oh I would of bought that for you”. What more can someone do then hint, ask them to pass their credit card over?[/quote]
You were indirect. Clearly, the only why they respond is with being direct. Over the last two years and settling into a new property, it seems you would have had multiple occasions to ask. The original hinting didn’t work so maybe change tactics. I get that it’s awkward but I don’t think you can complain if you didn’t actually try much other than hinting but regardless I think not buying them a gift is super petty. That definitely taints things.

When they say 'I would have bought that for you,' just eyeball them, and say 'no you wouldn't.'

To be honest I just don't believe in giving to receive.

I would have wrote on the wedding card"please keep the £1000 you promised us and treat yourselves instead"