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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding present fiasco AIBU?

385 replies

Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 09:42

My partner and I got married 2 years ago. On our wedding day our very close relative member said that as our wedding present they would purchase us something of the value of £1000. We thought that was very generous of them and as we had just got a house we would use it towards that. However 2 YEARS after the wedding and we have never received said gift. We have never made it a big deal because I suppose it’s the thought that counts, however it’s very annoying having that member of family repeat to people how much of a generous gift they’ve offered us. Now we will never claim that money from them because it’s so out of character for us, how would it work we buy a tv and ask them to pay for it, what if their financial situation has changed since they offered etc etc. They would even joke that “I know you guys will never ask for it so I will keep nagging for you to take it” well then why not just chuck it in a envelope and pass it over?

However, this relative family member has recently gotten married. My partner and I decided that we would not give them a wedding present, because as far as we’re concerned we never got a wedding present off them. We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now. Honestly it was also a petty way for them to realise it’s been 2 years since our wedding and we don’t want to hear about this bloody present that we will never receive again.

Lots of members of family are saying we are selfish because we were gifted £1000 and we gifted nothing. We did try and explain that we’ve never received that money for 2 years so never received a gift. However apparently we were the issue by not asking for it. Again we never expect a gift from anyone but this member likes to show off infront of people that they’ve offered us this gift.

So were we unreasonable to not get them a gift? AIBU for not claiming the money and this is my fault.

OP posts:
Redredwiney · 09/10/2021 11:22

Wait, is the gift offerer the person who got married? Just realised you said the relative family member. Do you mean relative’s family member?

So the person who got married isn’t the one who offered £1k?

If so, you are massively massively unreasonable and petty.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:24

@Ijustreallywantacat have you actually read any of my replies. I have never sat and waited for money in a envelope. I have indicated multiple times that I’m looking to buy x fridge or y oven and they have sat there in silence. I can’t go and open their wallet and grab their bank card now can I.

I also disagree that they are equally as embarrassed by this gift fiasco since they won’t stop blabing on about it in every family gathering! So i imagine they very much love the attention it’s bringing them

OP posts:
SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 09/10/2021 11:27

I would've said that we are gifting their £1000 which was meant for us but we never used to the newly married couple!

Asurvivor · 09/10/2021 11:27

Some members of my family do this, make an offer to buy / give something but always with conditions attached that are elusive or impossible to meet. Then there is the “Oh you should have told me”, “if only I had known” etc etc. I think now it is a form of control because it puts the potential present receiver in a state of uncertainty - will the present ever materialise? what can the potential present receiver do to find out? Especially if the gift is needed or counted upon in some way.
If your family is the same and you can’t have honest conversations to resolve issues, then the only thing to do imo is not get caught up in the present giver’s games - completely ignore the offer if it doesn’t quickly materialise and act as if the offer had never been made.
So I think you should have given a present for the wedding (as if the offer had not been made) and continued to buy the things you need for your house yourself. Not for the present giver but for you, so that you stay out if the games that the present giver is playing.

ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 11:27

We thought this is very reasonable however this has caused a war in the family now.

How has your not buying a gift for a wedding news to anyone?
Does your family tradition involve performative gift-buying, with naming & shaming?

Only your DH & you knew this plan, so one of you has blabbed it.
Given that you already knew your relatives can be volatile, WTF were you thinking of, broadcasting this war-causing decision?

HesterLee · 09/10/2021 11:28

I would send an email to every member of the family stating that no matter what this relative says, you have not received any gift or any money from them.

But I appreciate that doesn't exactly improve the situation Grin

mswales · 09/10/2021 11:29

Why didn't you give them the same offer - we will buy you a gift worth up to £1000? Then if they were actually proactive and said yes please this is what we've chosen (which is what it sounds like they expected you to do) you then say great, this is what we've chosen for our gift from you as well. Then you can both spend £1000 on each other! Pretty pointless but then everyone is happy?

Redredwiney · 09/10/2021 11:29

@Redredwiney

Wait, is the gift offerer the person who got married? Just realised you said the relative family member. Do you mean relative’s family member?

So the person who got married isn’t the one who offered £1k?

If so, you are massively massively unreasonable and petty.

A few people have asked this but you’ve ignored the question. Please can you clarify.
SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 09/10/2021 11:30

Also I believe they never had the intention of gifting the money to you. They only wanted to talk about it. Otherwise they would've taken the not-so-subtle hints about the oven and the fridge and would have said let us transfer over the £1000 to your account which you can use to pay your credit card bills for these household appliances.

Famousinlove · 09/10/2021 11:30

@mswales exactly

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 09/10/2021 11:31

@HesterLee

I would send an email to every member of the family stating that no matter what this relative says, you have not received any gift or any money from them.

But I appreciate that doesn't exactly improve the situation Grin

I would've WhatsApp-ed this! Clearly we are mean! Grin
simitra · 09/10/2021 11:32

Buy them a small token present worth about £10!

With a family like yours who needs enemies?

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:32

@Redredwiney the person who offered the £1000 gift IS the same person who got married. So no it wasn’t their parents who offered it and we’ve taken it out on their innocent child.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2021 11:33

“We gave x the same gift as they gave us: absolutely nothing. We have every intention of giving x a £1k gift once x has given us a £1k gift.” You could add a lie if you wish. “I told x that at the wedding.” Rinse. Repeat.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 11:34

You seem to want to take no personal responsibility, the line of I’m buying an oven would it be ok to use yout gift money for it, how shall we manage it, isn’t begging,

Passive aggressively not getting them a gift as some form of punishment was a very odd thing to do. Any of the times they mentioned yout gift you could easily have just said excellent. Can we get a fridge and oven please. They aren’t mind readers

Chasingsquirrels · 09/10/2021 11:36

I think there are 2 parts.

You are unreasonable in all the hinting etc.
They offered, you should have graciously accepted and said you'll have x y z and then got it sorted.
Having not done that, when you hinted ypu should have been more forthright, and suggested they buy it as the gift they promised you, not just hinted.
When you then brought and they said they'd have brought it you should have them said great, thanks, it was £xyz, here are my bank details.
When family members have said aren't they great, you should have been clear that you haven't actually received the offered gift.
(Relative also sounds unreasonable, in that they made the offer but has never followed through).

Regardless of the above, not buying a gift to mark their wedding (and I wouldn't have matched the £1k, just given your standard value of gift) is petty.

SerendipityJane · 09/10/2021 11:36

Personally I'd have just given them an envelope with a £1,000 cheque in it, and wait till after the wedding when it bounces (because you cancelled it).

Would have worked better 20 years ago, admittedly.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2021 11:36

You use very affected language OP. You don’t have to “beg” or “demand”.

You like speaking in extremes to express the other side of the argument. This is quite telling.

Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:38

I’m confused why people think hinting wasn’t enough for them to realise that I wanted them to pay for it using the gift they promised. Considering no gathering goes by without them mentioning the gift then it’s very much at the forefront of their mind !

OP posts:
LaikO · 09/10/2021 11:40

Tell them you'll give them £1000 as their wedding present, then when they ask for it, tell them just to use the £1000 they were going to give you. 😁

Seriously though, YANBU.

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:40

I think your mistake was to tell any other family members your plans.

You should have said ''we're going to reciprocate your gesture to us!''

And then done nothing, smile serenely like you're their generous benefactor but say nothing do nothing

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:41

@Henryhoover12

I’m confused why people think hinting wasn’t enough for them to realise that I wanted them to pay for it using the gift they promised. Considering no gathering goes by without them mentioning the gift then it’s very much at the forefront of their mind !
You'd have to be superhuman not to be annoyed by this. They presented themselves as extremely generous and that is what your f&f believe!

If they mention it again, if you're brave enough, ask them what they bought you.

ManifestingJoy · 09/10/2021 11:42

@LaikO

Tell them you'll give them £1000 as their wedding present, then when they ask for it, tell them just to use the £1000 they were going to give you. 😁

Seriously though, YANBU.

absolutely, a version of this! Politely make the same offer they made to you.
Original poster
Henryhoover12 · 09/10/2021 11:43

Just like to clarify we never spoke to anyone about not giving a gift. I presume it has come from the bride and groom. So the same people who know they’ve never gifted us are making a big deal that we never gifted them.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 09/10/2021 11:44

Honestly there is such a polarised opinions here it’s confusing . Those who think we are correct as a gift should not be offered but gifted.

Then there are those we think we are wrong for not being more direct.

Those aren't polarised opinions Henry.
Most PP seem capable of believing both of these opinions simultaneously.

Your £1k relatives are clearly twats, & you are giving this whole thing too much headspace. As PP have pointed out, the obvious response it to tell everyone, including these newlyweds, that you are giving them £1k, exactly like they so generously gave you.
And then not do it.
And then every time someone mithers on about it, you shut them down with "we gave each other exactly the same wedding gift, isn't that great?" & immediately change the subject.

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