AIBU to not help my friend?

[OpalSky]

This happened last July, but I haven’t had time to think properly about it until recently when I asked friends for advice. It would help me to understand from seeing other peoples opinions on here.

Some background: I have a friend and we have been friends for over 20 years and we live near each other. We both have kids. She works full time, I am a SAHM. I help people when I can, but I don’t like to ask for favours if I can do something myself and only ask as a last resort should I need help. She is the opposite and likes to ask for help when needs it and I don’t mind helping when I can.

It was the night of the Euro final. Her 10 year old son had a fever before the match. She let him stay up and they all watched the football and it didn’t finish until gone 11pm. She then discovered her Calpol had expired. I was in bed about to go sleep when she text and asked if I had Calpol. At this point it was near midnight. I said ‘you weren’t thinking of coming round were you, as I am about to go sleep.’ She said well he has got a temperature. I said ‘it’s probably best he goes sleep, but I can leave Calpol on the doorstep if you want to come and collect’. She said no thanks. And that’s what has annoyed her.

She wrote me an email saying she was hurt and disappointed in me. She was angry that I said her son will be fine if he just goes to sleep, and she was angry I said I was about to go sleep and you were not thinking of coming round were you. She said a friend is someone you can count on and is always there for you and that it’s a two way relationship. I apologised as I didn’t mean it in an insensitive way and in no way was I meaning to be unsympathetic.

So we met up, she said she knew I hadn’t intended to hurt her with the words I used, but that I crossed the line in not being there in her hour of need. Her son was fine the next day without any Calpol that night. She said ‘does it matter that it wasn’t an emergency, you weren’t there for me in my hour of need.’ She said she would do ‘anything for my kids’. Now she has not done anything in particular to help with my kids in the past as I never like to ask for help unless I really need it.

Then she bought up the time I didn’t agree to be emergency contact for the school for her kids. She asked me this years ago, but has obviously held resentment in me as she kept mentioning it. She said ‘what harm would it have done to have picked up my son in that rare chance’. She was quite upset about this. She said ‘friend A’ agreed to be emergency contact. She said ‘so far she has been a good friend.’

She then went on to say to me: ‘I don’t know anything about you. I still don’t know what you do all day while the kids are at school’. I was quite shocked she could say something like that as I have never judged her in that way for working full time. I felt like she was judging me for being a SAHM.

When I got home that day I started writing an email back to her explaining how I felt. But before I could finish the email she wrote to say I don’t think we can be close friends anymore as she said we have different ideas of what a friendship is.

In the end I did send a long email back saying yes we are different and she has certain needs and expectations from a friendship, and when she doesn’t get those needs met she gets disappointed. I told her that I felt I should have the right to say no to being emergency contact for her kids, but that she didn’t respect my right to say no.

I felt like she doesn’t consider me at all, it’s all about her needs and no consideration for my needs or feelings at all.

No response back from her.

I feel used and because she hasn’t even bothered to respond, I feel like she has never considered this a two way relationship. It’s never been about my feelings and having two way communication. It’s all about her or nothing.

YANBU-I should put closure to this friendship, she has been using me

YABU-I have been a bad friend and I need to learn to help friends in need

@Quire

I think your response was fairly rude. Why not just say ‘I’m about to go to sleep but will leave the Calpol on the doorstep for you if you want it?’ rather than ‘You weren’t thinking of coming round, were you?’

Yes, this. I get that she’s annoying though, but you were a bit rude, so 🤷‍♀️

But - you’ve been honest about things you didn’t like or don’t want to do, and she has been honest about her expectations for friendship too, and you’re incompatible. And that’s ok I think - it’s ok to decide that compromise isn’t possible and that the friendship isn’t working. It’s better than the usual version of continued resentment! In fact - the one, quite unusual, thing you both have in common is honesty about your expectations!

But your reply suggests my point is true — you have a transactional view of this friendship, and seem to be keeping some kind of mental tally of ‘She didn’t do X, so I won’t do Y.’

OP isn't seeing this as transactional. This is about illness. The 'friend' wouldn't do the playdate because the OP's son had had (past tense) chicken pox but the friend wasn't prepared to expose her son to the non existent possibility of catching it.

Yet the most likely reason to need an emergency contact is if the child becomes ill while at school and needs to go home but neither parent is available. So the 'friend' was quite happy to put the OP in a position where she might have to pick up and take back to her house a child who was very definitely ill and infectious.

It's not tit for tat, it's double standards on the friend's part.

I don't think you were wrong BUT I do think you were rude.

Could have left it on doorstep and gone too bed or ignored her but it didn't require a shitty response. I help my friends and they help me.

I would also cut ties with you.
Obviously her comment was wrong but I can see she feels like you don't even care, she could have gone to a 24 hr but she was thinking if you had some then she may as well ask you if your up if it was just 1 shot needed before bed..

I don’t think the ‘you weren’t thinking of coming round?’ Comment was particularly rude personally. All it did was highlight what a drip she was being.

If someone said that to me I’d probably take the hint and apologise the next day for ringing them so late as it was clear I’d disturbed them rather than start ranting on about how they’d let me down and what do they do all day anyway. Not that I’d ring anyone at that time of night unless it was completely unavoidable.

Nope. I can’t agree it’s rude to make a comment on plans to come round my house at that time of night.

YABU
Her son was ill and she just wanted a bit of calpol which you had. As she couldn’t get to a shop and you live close by you could have just given it to her quickly.
You were awake as you replied. Your reply did sound quite rude.
Where you upset you hadn’t been invited to hers to watch the match?

If you are close friends then I don’t see why you wouldn’t be an emergency contact. She obviously trusts you with her child and it’s extremely rare that you will ever be called. You live close by and are a SAHP so you wouldn’t be expected to travel far or be called from work or anything that would put you out.

I don’t think you should be taken for a mug but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
I just think she sees you as a closer friend than you see her.

I can hear that you are hurt and shocked by this confrontation, but I suspect you will be relieved over time to have been saved a lifetime of dealing with this drama llama. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has found someone more malleable and this was her way of letting you know.

I just think it’s double standards how she would turn down a play date because of the chance of her kids catching chickenpox. But for her she wants me to be emergency contact.

Coming round for a play date and being called in an emergency are two completely different things - honestly it sounds like you are trying to find fault.

I would say it’s because you’ve outgrown the friendship but then I’m not sure why you would still be thinking about it these past few months.

Her son was ill and she just wanted a bit of calpol which you had. As she couldn’t get to a shop and you live close by you could have just given it to her quickly.
Her son had been sick. All day.Shes plenty of time to go to the shop But didnt

If you are close friends then I don’t see why you wouldn’t be an emergency contact
. You live close by and are a SAHP so you wouldn’t be expected to travel far or be called from work or anything that would put you out.

You make it sound like the op has nothing to do all day.You know cause she's a Sahm @toocold54.

She's not obligated to be her emergency contact and by the tantrum her friend had just as well she didn't.She must have known she's take the piss.

@OpalSky
"She then went on to say to me: ‘I don’t know anything about you. I still don’t know what you do all day while the kids are at school’."

Cheeky fucker.
Like you owe her a breakdown of how you use your time.
Presumably as she thinks she has some claim to it, given her rhetoric about you being emergency contact for her bloody kid.

Don't know about letting the friendship fade, I would be telling her to fuck right off.

Yanbu

She’s used to you running around after her, and doesn’t like it when you say no.

Oh and if you aren’t going to run around after her, then she doesn’t need you as a friend. So in other words she was using you all along!

She's a cheeky fucker!

Frankly she sounds a lot like my sister with whom I am now nc for a number of reasons but inc this kinda bullshit

You did nothing wrong, she is not a friend!

I'd bet good money IF you needed a favour she'd have alllll the excuses in the world why she couldn't do it!

As a sort of aside I've been a full time working mum, part time working mum, student mum and sahm

They ALL have different challenges and pros and cons I'll never understand those that try to be divisive on this score it's childish!

having to fed off cfers who think you can fill in their childcare gaps is one of them

Yep! See also dog walking, cat feeding, doing their grocery shopping for them "I'll give you the money" (but don't consider your time, effort and travel costs!), letting workmen in etc...

I would take calpol over to a friend in need

At almost midnight, with children likely settled in bed and during a pandemic?! Come off it! The friends child having a fever - a key symptom of COVID - is reason enough to minimise contact

And bringing you being a SAHP into it shows what she really thinks of you

I agree and the way she did! She thinks you sit on your arse doing sod all while kids are at school! I don't know any sahm where this is true and it wasn't true for me there's always something needs doing

She has a husband. They have a car. We live in london. There are plenty of places to get Calpol late at night.

There you go - cf!

I have insomnia but also mh issues and I won't answer any but genuine emergency messages/calls after 11pm now

That was not imo a genuine emergency

I feel hurt that she can’t even be bothered to communicate back.

Honestly op I will tell you why that is - she feels you are no longer worth the effort literally because she now sees you as of no USE to HER.

This is exactly how my sister operates inc in friendships. She never had more than one friend at a time and she selects "friends" depending on what they can do for her - a discount at a shop she's needing to use, free childcare when her kids were little, access to a cheap/free car was one friendship (the "friends" husband was a mechanic), access to mates rates on work she's needing done ("friends" who either they or their husbands had trade skills - electrician, plumber, gardener, painting & decorating)

Then when the need has passed she moves on to the next mug!

Don't be surprised to learn she has done similar if/when those that are still friends with her at the moment either get wise or become no longer of use - eg a sahm providing free childcare/emergency contact who then goes back to full time work when their kids are old enough and so can no longer provide that service to her.

I've met others over the years who are the same, got sucked in when younger I'm much more wary now.

Which is NOT to say I am not more than happy/willing to help people out where I can IF it's done fairly and appreciated genuinely. I'm an ex nanny and childminder so I've done a LOT of babysitting over the years and even "day care" at times inc with children with sen as I have experience there and with children with certain medical conditions as I'm also an ex hcp and have experience and Knowledge there too and it doesn't scare me (eg one friend had real trouble getting babysitters when needed as child had epilepsy and unfortunately a lot of people are nervous about doing the wrong thing if she has a fit - which is rare anyway). When I wasn't working full time myself ON OCCASION happy to pick up "emergency" groceries or prescriptions etc

But I quickly learned which people were piss takers and set clear boundaries

@NoSquirrels exactly! That's precisely how these types work, why put myself out and miss the footie/show/film when I know x will cover my laxity!

But I don’t understand why she doesn’t do some of these things herself again her thinking will be "why should I when x will do it"

That was part of my "epiphany" with my sister when she made a comment about something the friend at the time was doing for her (paying for concert tickets, the friend was a lot better off than sister but sister could still have afforded them herself - or not go!) which was almost verbatim that "why would I? She's happy to pay for them so that saves me paying"

That led to me seeing exactly how bad she was!

As a single mum myself though, finances permitting, I generally made sure I always had such items in - simply BECAUSE I didn't want to risk getting caught out either financially or practically if as happened on occasion as it tends to with kids, dd took unwell late/middle of night and needed some. We also lived rurally and semi rurally at various points so I NEEDED to be organised, and frankly barring being on bones of arse (which I have been at times myself) I don't understand parents who aren't organised with this kinda thing. I always did it as soon as I opened a bottle I got a new spare in.

I have to say re the posters saying "different expectations of friendship" and implying op was at least a little out of order - can't help but think you're at least a little like the friend! Or at the very least have never had the misfortune to have a friend like op is describing.

You may want to consider that and consider if you maybe don't have a fully informed perspective on the situation

@HannaHanna WAY out of order there!

How is she holding down a Ft job if she's genuinely this useless when it comes to her and Dh organising some calpol for a child with a fever?

I can tell you in my sisters case she has "always worked" but doesn't manage to hold down jobs! She starts off well and is VERY good at talking herself into jobs she isn't qualified/experienced for but the longer she's in a job the more she takes the piss there too and is eventually sacked...but except she'll never admit that! She always claims the employers were at fault. She's in her 40's and has never lasted more than 10/11 months in any job.

I've also worked with a number of people like this who after they've got comfy in a job, Swan in 20-30 mins late, do the bare minimum, constantly get other colleagues to do the mundane tasks, and then either swan off early too or are "clock watchers" where the role involves answering phones to customers/other colleagues to help with tasks this type tend to stop answering phones 4.30/4.45pm when clocking off time is 5pm and they're often the ones constantly fancying in the break room too! Lazy!

It's even more infuriating when these types get promoted above you as they're often savvy enough to get v pally with the boss or even boss's boss in fact usually boss's boss as the boss knows how crap they are!

@MyPatronusIsACat I agree they're bloody everywhere! I had similar when I moved in here. I'm in a block of flats, disabled and cannot work and when my neighbours twigged that I was usually home without so much as introducing themselves to me they started listing me as their alternative delivery address! That first Xmas it got like Santa's fucking sack in here! And a few of them wouldn't even come to collect and expected me to take to them. Final straw was when a wardrobe deliver was attempted! I'd nowhere to bloody put it! Aside from anything else so I refused the delivery and got a barrage of abuse from the neighbour! So I stopped all of them then it was a total piss take. It was something I'd happily done at other addresses where the neighbours who'd benefited 1 made the effort to get to know me first 2 asked if it was ok to do first 3 not totally necessary but nice all the same, would give me the occasional small gift as a thank you

The neighbours here were just taking the piss treating me like a flipping parcel office!

I'll do it for my ndn as they behaved as previous neighbours and they're lovely and will occasionally reciprocate and do me the odd favour the rest can fuck off!

are a SAHP so you wouldn’t be expected to travel far or be called from work or anything that would put you out

And there's the presumptuous attitude some have towards Sahm! Why should the op limit where they are or what they're doing during the day in case the friends children need collecting from school? Why do you think sahm are literally at home all day every day?! I certainly wasn't as a sahm

Also friends of this type are also ime the type to send sick kids into school rather than care for them themselves if they think they can get away with it and especially so if there's an emergency contact that isn't them! If the school does call they dodge the calls!

I've a number of friends and family who are teachers, TA's etc and they comment on the fact there's a certain type of parent does this - even during the pandemic with the child displaying clear COVID symptoms!

Seriously there are users of this type everywhere!

[quote OpalSky]@HannaHanna-I did offer to leave her Calpol on the doorstep[/quote]
You wrote:

‘you weren’t thinking of coming round were you, as I am about to go sleep.’

And then ‘it’s probably best he goes sleep, but I can leave Calpol on the doorstep if you want to come and collect’

That’s not the same as “sure, I’m already in bed but I’ll put it on my doorstep.”

You made it clear here to us that it was inconvenient, that she shouldn’t even ask and that you told her what she should be doing for her child. Don’t you think she got the same idea from you message as you are conveying to us here?

@ajauagsk

Yes I think this too, personally I'd have no problem with a friend coming to collect calpol at night if they needed it.

I think you're better off not being friends, you don't seem like you like each other very much.

FFS, there's always one!

I wouldn't be hot-footing it halfway across town at almost midnight for some lazy-ass fuck who couldn't be arsed to go to the 24 hour Tesco, to get her OWN CHILD some calpol, but expected ME to come out to HER with some.

The OP's 'friend' is a lazy, entitled cheeky-fucker, and anyone who supports her is ALSO one.

@In4mation

Yanbu

She’s used to you running around after her, and doesn’t like it when you say no.

Did the OP even tell us one thing she’s ever done for this friend? If so I missed it. Certainly didn’t read anything indicating she’s constantly running around after her.

And an emergency where both parents cannot retrieve their child to me is just as likely to be one parent in an accident and the other at the hospital with them. There are many scenarios where an emergency contact could be needed which do not involve an ill child. OP is not willing to be that person, fine. But most friends would do it in a heartbeat.

@MyPatronusIsACat

Where did OP say the friend asked her to bring it over?!

@HannaHanna what the friend expected WAS bloody inconvenient, selfish and thoughtless!

There's a popularly used army phrase with 2 wordings:

"Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part"

Or

"Your cock up aint my problem"

Anyone with children and actually I'd say even for yourself should (again as I said earlier barring serious financial constraints) have basic medicines/first aid items in at all times, just in case.

I've just had COVID myself, thankfully due to this I had in - lemsip, paracetamol, lozenges etc to see me through until I could get more items. Being disabled I rely on online deliveries anyway but quite honestly when I was at my worst I couldn't even deal with sorting a delivery! Thanks to advice from preppers on here I also had in as prep stock plenty of water, tinned foods inc soup (which was all I could manage at my worst), part baked bread and long life milk which meant I could delay a delivery i basically skipped one altogether one week which I wouldn't have been able to do if I didn't already have good long life stocks in.

This of course meant those stocks were depleted and I'm now replacing them.

Preppers/organised people are often mocked, it wasn't something I was very well up on myself until the brexit prep threads (I initially started following advice as I was concerned about Brexit price rises being on a ltd budget and also was worried about not being able to get certain items in relation to allergies) but I have now had 2 occasions to be v grateful to them for the advice which I followed

1 when lockdown hit and the supermarket I usually used for delivery at that time basically closed up shop! They totally panicked and had no idea what they were doing! It was IMPOSSIBLE to get a delivery slot with anyone else for at least 3 weeks so they saved my skin then

2 the aforementioned bout of illness

Oh get rid she sounds like a right user and very selfish drinking during the euro instead of thinking of her kids

Why on earth would you want to be friends with someone like this

I had 2 friends very similar situation and they turned weird once their kids started school and basically they got to 4+ they'd dump them on anyone to go out all the time
They turned into different horrible people

And if we all went out they never took calpol, plasters, spare drinks, enough snacks

So I got rid
Life is too short

@Graphista

What did the friend expect?

For the op to solve the problem she herself had created by not being properly prepared!

Anyone with kids at home surely has calpol/pain/fever relief that is usable as a matter of course if they've any sense.

In this case as a number of pps have pointed out there were TWO adults in the friends household who could go and fetch some even failing having some in that was usable AND they live in London where there are generally loads of late night pharmacies and shops open for such items (used to live there myself)

The friend simply wanted an EASY solution to the fact that she herself had messed up!

The friendship is over, you’ve had months to come to terms with it. What were you expecting from posting about it now?

You make it sound like the op has nothing to do all day.You know cause she's a Sahm

@BorderlineHappy
I’m not saying that at all.

I was asked to be an emergency contact and I said of course I would but I don’t think I’m the best person as I was a single parent, working full time and didn’t dive. My workplace was 90mins away and I wasn’t allowed my phone on me at work so in an emergency I would not be able to get there very fast.
OP doesn’t work so has more access to her phone and lives close by, so of course she is going to be a better emergency contact than someone who works full time.

I don't think you needed to say "you're not planning on coming round are you?" You could just have quickly and easily put calpol on the doorstep.

Should you have taken it round? I dunno. I probably would have fit a friends baby.....a 10 y/o probably not as they could just have appropriate dose adult aspirin.

Similarly, if I had a good friend who lived near me and was a SAHM it would be really handy to have them as emergency contact and I can't imagine why you would say no to this. It's how we did it when I was growing up and it's how people in my circles still do it.

I do see that it could be quite wearisome if she is one of those ppl who always asks for favours, but in those examples I would
say it's more you that's been a bit unnecessarily unreasonable.

The emails and whatever from her are not needed though. It sounds like you are just very different and best having a bit of distance between you.

@Graphista

I don’t consider a friend asking me to borrow something to be me solving their problems for them.

You do, that’s fine. I have different relationships. Happy to help with things like this when possible. No big deal for me to walk to the closet, get out the calpol, put on the porch and go back to bed. If I couldn’t I’d just say no without the judgement.

I’ve a friend who has made the decision to work hours at weekend so is seen as an sahm by some. Some people have tried to take absolute fucking liberties with her because of that. From what you’ve written it sounds like there’s a bit of that here. You haven’t got to get up for work in the morning? Bring me calpol at midnight. Not at work during the day? Be my emergency contact. I think you’re better off without her.