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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:

Tickly · 09/10/2021 00:00

Think that is pretty normal with a 1yo first child tbh. It's a massive shock to the system how much freedom you lose. It does get easier though.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 00:02

YABU I do love my children but if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have had them, at least he was honest and you did ask

FlamesEmbersAshes · 09/10/2021 00:03

He’s not out of order. You asked and he gave an honest answer. I think you’d be surprised how many parents would say the same.

Noodella18 · 09/10/2021 00:05

I think it's quite common to feel that way tbh. It's a massive, massive change and let's be honest there is a lot of stress, tedium and drudgery involved with child rearing, despite loving them to bits. I feel quite wistful about my pre-kid life, and although I would make the same decision all over again, I know plenty of people who wouldn't. I don't think you're unreasonable to feel a bit upset about it, but I also don't feel he's unreasonable to feel that way. It sounds like he's made it clear that he is where he wants to be right now and isn't looking to bail. And anyway, the first year is pretty dull compared to what awaits - toddlers are definitely more fun and independent, and it's easier to do more social stuff, so you might find his feelings change in future anyway.

FloconDeNeige · 09/10/2021 00:05

No he’s not. I’m sure it’s quite common. I love my little boys but before them I traveled the world, lived in 5 different countries, moved wherever there were interesting job opportunities, skied, scuba dived, alpine mountaineered and didn’t spend £5,500 per month on crèche fees.

I miss my old life but embrace my new one. I’d also give the same advice as your DP to anyone on the fence.

AlexaShutUp · 09/10/2021 00:06

I have never felt like that personally, but i know a lot of people do. I think he was just being honest about how he feels. I understand why it was upsetting for you to hear it though. As long as he is a kind and loving dad, there isn't really anything to worry about. He can't actually help how he feels.

BillywigSting · 09/10/2021 00:08

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

If someone had asked me the same question when my dc was only one I probably would have given the same answer. I don't regret having Ds but I still sometimes miss my freedom though it's got easier as he's got older.

He was unplanned though and I think rightly or wrongly that can impact on how difficult it is to cope with the changes having a baby brings.

KittyWindbag · 09/10/2021 00:14

I think it’s interesting whenever this subject comes up that the implication is the feeling of regret is a permanent one. I believe it comes in waves. There were times in my first son’s infancy where I honestly regretted having a baby. I never felt that way about my second son, and I don’t regret any of it now. I’m sure there will be times in the future where I will feel really challenged by life and experience regretful feelings. The conversation is usually centred around people with very young children. We don’t often read of adults with grown up children who still fully regret their children, unless something truly dreadful has occurred perhaps. I think it’s fine and normal to feel regret at times. I do think it comes and goes. I regret lots of choices I have made in my life but I also can’t really, because who knows, as with anything, how any of it would have turned out differently? It doesn’t have to be a catastrophe.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 09/10/2021 00:16

On the other he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.
That's not what he's saying though is it. Read your own words back.

YABU in feeling annoyed with him, I expect a lot of parents feel the same as him.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 09/10/2021 00:26

He won’t feel like that for ever though. One day when he’s older his life will partly revolve round her and any grandchildren, but in a different way to how it does now. He’ll be saying it’s one of the most important/ precious things he’s ever done.

lilmishap · 09/10/2021 00:28

He never said he regretted his daughter so the title is a bit off.
The majority of us enjoy those self indulgent, free from responsibility, spontaneous but have money years, we also (mostly) enjoy parenting. But it is harder and there are no days off....and the little person you're entirely responsible for isn't always fun.
Acknowledging this doesn't mean any more than he enjoyed his old life and misses it sometimes.
YABU

This isn't anything shocking, it's the reality most of us experience.

WorriedGiraffe · 09/10/2021 00:36

YABU. Also lots of people feel like that with a one year old. Children of any age are brilliant but in my opinion it gets easier as they progress through the toddler years into childhood, so he probably won’t feel like that in another year or two. It’s great he feels so able to be open and honest with you.

Holskey · 09/10/2021 00:37

Nobody is U here. He was honest. You wish he felt differently. His life will change again as your child grows and becomes more independent, so it's okay.

I miss my old life, but I wouldn't want it back. Wouldn't change a thing.

starrynight21 · 09/10/2021 00:46

He didn't say he is trapped . He said that

However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life.

I'm sure that many people would say something like that. It doesn't mean they feel trapped at all.

TheBlackArt · 09/10/2021 00:47

How is he out of order? That’s how he feels. It’ll be more common than you think.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 09/10/2021 00:53

You’re putting a spin on his words that fits with what you’ve “always had a suspicion” about.

BrendaBubbles · 09/10/2021 00:56

Well I was reading your post and thought what a kind and considerate answer he had given and that he was a keeper, but was then shocked when you said you were offended by it!

Hankunamatata · 09/10/2021 00:56

He sounds like a very practical person who gave you a logical reply. Ad he told you he loves her bit does mourn his pre child life. I also found hat my dh found the first couple of years as my focus shifted entirely to the baby and we had zero social.life

Ireolu · 09/10/2021 03:48

At least he is being honest. A lot of what he said will ring true with many people too.

seaandsandcastles · 09/10/2021 04:02

YABU. He’s not out of order. You’re being oversensitive and putting words in his mouth.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 04:05

You've never had mixed emotions about anything in your life? He loves your child and he did not say he's trapped. He was just reflecting on things and being honest. You're being very unreasonable and very unfair.

ChrissyPlummer · 09/10/2021 06:00

I said this the other day on a different thread. I’m sure most men and it usually is men are ambivalent about having DC. It’s ALWAYS trotted out that “You had HIS baby” or “What would he do if he were (insert scenario)” as though the woman has done the man a huge favour. When, probably the bloke would rather not have bothered. Obviously NAMALT and all that.

ThirdElephant · 09/10/2021 06:07

Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, OP.

YABU

mynameiscalypso · 09/10/2021 06:18

I also think there's a big difference between 'children' as a sort of concept and your feelings towards your own child. I love my DS more than I can say and he's the most amazing person in the world but I can distinguish between my feelings for him and how I feel about motherhood in general (which is not dissimilar to how your DH feels)

Evasmithsghost · 09/10/2021 06:22

I don’t know to be honest.

It’s very common and I’d go as far as to say encouraged on MN to say you regret having children but while I think it’s definitely normal to grieve aspects of your own life, I’d never make a choice that meant I didn’t have DS. Ever.

I’m not sure honesty is always the best in these cases.

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