Regretting Children

[ClementBatley]

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

[quote RussianSpy101]@JasonMomoasgirlfriend of course it isn’t rose tinted. You find ways that work. Instead of getting stressed and annoyed about food not being eaten or them not wanting to get dressed, make it easier for both of you! It can be much easier but you need to be calmer about it.

I get my toddlers 3 outfits out in a morning and they choose what they want. No dramas.
Get cookie cutters in fun shapes or make pictures with their food on the plate.
They might not eat broccoli but they will eat a dinosaur with peas for his eyes.
If they flip their plate at the table, get a blanket out and have a picnic on the floor.

You probably think this all sounds ridiculous but I don’t feel stressed and my DC do make me very happy so don’t be quick to mock my suggestions.

I get it can sometimes be stressful but there are simple, little ways of making things less so and it will make you both much calmer and happier.[/quote]
I have a feeling you think I'm a shit mum that just doesn't try.

I have home cooked all his food from scratch meatballs, croquettes etc I do use cookie cutters for shapes..he isn't really bothered.

The option of clothing doesn't work..I have tried this. I actually started to think he has some kind of. sensory thing because he literally tried to rip his clothes off himself.
I started a thread looking for recommendations of soft clothing and just bought a few pieces..hasn't worked. I bought this special seam cover stuff and went round all his clothes with that....hasn't worked.
As soon as he sees clothes he says "no" picks them up and chucks them away. I've tried the option between two things. Says no to both. So I go with one and just have to force it on. And he's kicking and screaming . it's hell. But it's a new thing so I'm thinking it must just be related to him turning 2.

But anyway of course there are lots of fun time and happiness and all of that. But there's definitely times where it isnt joyous and no one should be almost trying to make people feel bad for feeling like that sometimes

@In4mation

I would never regret my kids but I did miss my old life.

Yes I think that's the simplest way to put it

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend I definitely don’t think you’re a shit mum. Sometimes it’s easy to get overwhelmed when it’s difficult (ive been there) and just wanted to offer some things that help my toddlers at the moment.
Obviously every day isn’t perfect, but I do feel they bring me joy.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad either.

@ClementBatley from your description of what your DP said, he sounds like an emotionally intelligent articulate person. And very honest. The fact his caveat is that no matter his own feelings, he would always make sure his children feel wanted, is a great positive.

What would you have preferred him to do, sugar-coat his real feelings to make it sound better?

[quote RussianSpy101]@JasonMomoasgirlfriend I definitely don’t think you’re a shit mum. Sometimes it’s easy to get overwhelmed when it’s difficult (ive been there) and just wanted to offer some things that help my toddlers at the moment.
Obviously every day isn’t perfect, but I do feel they bring me joy.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad either.[/quote]
Who said their kids don't bring them joy.

Parents, especially mothers, often feel they can't share their true feelings because of statement like 'I do feel they bring me joy' the implication that if you are struggling at all, then they must not bring you joy.

Not one person has said anything of the sort and the condescending attitude just stinks of 'I must be just better than you at this'.

My kids are older and one is going to uni. She brings me immense joy. Doesn't mean I relish the thought of dragging myself out of bed at 6.30am at on a Saturday (my only day I can anywhere near sleep in) to drop her off so she can go to Alton Towers with her friends.

Or look forward to standing in the rain and wind watching DS play rugby on a Sunday morning. I do it, I enjoy it most of the times, I love watching him and sharing in his joy at playing, enjoy socialising with the other parents, even watching him with his friends after is lovely to see....but sometimes I wish I didn't have to get to go.

It like I love my job. It pays well and is generally fun. Doesn't mean I don't still wonder what it would be like to win the lottery and move to a cottage in the middle of nowhere.

There's tons of things I don't regret, but wouldn't do again if I had the knowledge that I have now. I probably would have gone to uni for example. I have done great without it, so don't regret it. But do think I missed out. Again, not a regret as such. Just something I would change.

My marriage was great until dh had some sort of mental break and went down the conspiracy rabbit hole, became paranoid and abusive, about 10 years in. If when we were getting ready to get married, I would have known that what's was going to happen, I wouldn't have married him.

But I don't regret marrying him and have 2 great kids from the marriage. Life isn't always as simple as 'if you would change something it must have been a mistake and you hate the outcome'.

I'm going to throw another thing into the mix. I don't think either of you are BU btw, but I would seriously reconsider if I had known just how tough it is as a parent seeing your children go through hard times - mental health issues for one of my DSs, physical health challenges for the other.
And this is when they are in their 30s!

It sounds selfish and cowardly but just atm I would choose not to have kids if I were in the position to make that choice, because of the lifelong potential for hurt that can result. Of course, there are incredible pluses but sometimes I wonder if they balance out sufficiently.

You asked. He answered. Plus you already knew the answer deep down. It must suck to hear it out loud though I can imagine.

He didn't say though, that he was trapped. You put words in his mouth. And for him saying he misses his old social life: that makes so much sense. The first years with kids are the worst. Maybe try to get out a bit more if possible or have friends over etc. Having a baby doesn't have to be the end of a social life. You can still very much so have one (eventhough it would be different than before, sure...)

This sounds awful, but if I could go back in time (without the memory of having kids) and not have them I would. Life with kids is a bit shit. I love them so much, but the way things are in this country make it very hard to be a parent, so we are both working FT, knackred and getting ill all of the time, not able to buy property, worried about supporting ourselves in old age,let alone be able to provide continued support for the kids too. I don't want the same for my kids either and feel guilty about them having to probably endure a worse future than ours. I might feel different if things change, but I think the golden age of being a parent was 20 or so years ago. It's shit now.

YANBU and I would have felt the same. I love all the challenges of DC and I would say the chaos, the energy needed is the best thing about it, it keeps you on your toes. Your DH is obviously making unfair comparisons to his pre-child life and has come to the conclusion that it was easier, wealthier, more sociable, well no shit sherlock but it's a silly comparison to draw as you shouldn't expect to continue with all that and then just throw in a child but essentially carry on as you were. It is better to see life as chapters in a book where the plot develops and changes and embrace it, regrets are a waste of time.

@Goldenbear

YANBU and I would have felt the same. I love all the challenges of DC and I would say the chaos, the energy needed is the best thing about it, it keeps you on your toes. Your DH is obviously making unfair comparisons to his pre-child life and has come to the conclusion that it was easier, wealthier, more sociable, well no shit sherlock but it's a silly comparison to draw as you shouldn't expect to continue with all that and then just throw in a child but essentially carry on as you were. It is better to see life as chapters in a book where the plot develops and changes and embrace it, regrets are a waste of time.

It is better to see life as chapters in a book where the plot develops and changes and embrace it

🙄

I’d imagine it’s quite common. It’s a huge lifestyle change and brings a lot of financial and practical responsibilities. You asked the question and he answered honestly. If you had thoughts that he was only entering parenthood because of your wants you could have not gone ahead with TTC.

Many have children to keep a partner happy or because they get an ultimatum so weren't fully onboard from the start. Many have to suddenly become the sole earner as the other doesnt want to return to work etc. Things like that are bound to lead to mixed feelings.

If you’d asked me when my daughter was between 1 and 3 I’d have said the same. She’s 12 now and every year she adds so much to our lives, and is so much less of a chore, our lives aren’t so much different from what they were.

And I say that as a parent of a disabled child. If I had known she would be disabled and all that brings with it, I’d have made a different choice. But when I look at what we have learned, the people we have met, and the absolutely joy we get out of watching her live with her disability, it’s fair to say I wouldn’t be without her. On the other hand, I was looking at a holiday last night which we really want to do but can’t because of her disability. It’s a shame we can’t do it, but we’ll get over it.

the absolutely joy we get out of watching her live with her disability

Just realised this sounds weird, I meant watching how she deals with it and overcome the challenges her body and her environment throws at her.

I don't think he's saying he's trapped at all.

He clearly doesn't regret having a child either.

All he has said is had he known in advance how much a child take up of time, he might have considered otherwise

I'd rather people consider things like this than rush into producing kids, regretting it, splitting up over it etc

TheBlackArt, I'm not really understanding the eye rolling. At the end of the day you may think it is a crap metaphor but I was trying to point out the absurdity of thinking life with children is 'business as usual'.

Don’t worry , that’s completely normal . I love my boys more than anything but I miss those carefree days also more than anything . Over all my life is better now, filled with so much love and joy 🤗