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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:
Fdksyihfd · 09/10/2021 06:30

He’s not out of order; it’s the way he feels. But it’s also understandable that you’re upset.
I also think he’s right that if you’re not sure then don’t until you’re sure as it’s bloody hard even when you 100% wanted to have DC.
Life is ever changing with DC; even in a year things will feel completely different.

Icecreamsoda99 · 09/10/2021 06:31

I think being honest with people about the realities of children is very sensible. I don't regret our child and I'll do it all over again but we're stopping at one because we've found it so hard. Were you more keen on having a baby than him? I was and then I feel guilty which makes me irrationally and unfairly cross when my DH is grumpy and complains because I worry he regrets the decision I pushed for, but that's my issue not his!

Runnyrose · 09/10/2021 06:35

I have a 1 year old DD just like you. I have a wonderful DH who is an incredible father to our DD, just like yours. And I agree 100% with your DH. I worship my DD but I do very much miss my old life; it was wonderful and even though DD was planned and I knew my life would change, I was in no way prepared for just how hard living that change every single day would actually be when putting it into practice and I do greatly miss the ease of my pre-child days. That doesn't mean I don't love my DD more than anything in the world and doesn't mean I would ever do anything that would have her taken away from me. And I'm also confident that it doesn't make me any less of a mother. Cut your DH some slack. If you can honestly, hand on heart say that you experience no hint of regret or longing for your former life before your DD came along then you are incredibly lucky, so be kind to your DH as he's obviously not quite there yet. As others have said, I'm sure he'll get there, I'm sure I will too. For me personally, I'm already so much better this year being back at work and having that time to be me again and not just Mama when I was last year on maternity leave and I can see how the older DD gets, the more freedom I can regain bit by bit so I'm not worried at all about my feelings. But if you are already in the place where you are completely happy and satisfied then be kind to your DH because he's obviously just not quite there at this time and he's working very hard to still be an amazing Daddy and show up for your DD every day.

Original poster
ClementBatley · 09/10/2021 06:36

Thanks all. I agree, he’s not out of order and he’s actually just being honest. And there are times when I feel “what have we done” but they soon pass. He was just being honest.

OP posts:
Hattie765 · 09/10/2021 06:37

I wouldn't be upset by that, I think a lot of parents feel the same, I know I do in some respects x

Cominghome1230 · 09/10/2021 06:48

I have two children and I feel like your husband.

As wonderful as they are, I do miss my old life and would have been perfectly happy not to have children.

Evasmithsghost · 09/10/2021 06:55

See so I don’t want to sound contentious but then why have two?

I do miss aspects of my old life (like lie ins!) but if I really regretted DS I wouldn’t be thinking of having another child in the future.

mistermagpie · 09/10/2021 06:58

@Cominghome1230

I have two children and I feel like your husband.

As wonderful as they are, I do miss my old life and would have been perfectly happy not to have children.

I also wonder why you had the second one?
JapanJetplane · 09/10/2021 07:00

I think that’s a pretty normal way to feel in year one. I have lots of conflicted feelings about this. I love my son more than anything and would never not have him now. But my life was objectively easier and in lots of ways more enjoyable before I had him. I feel like there are other compensations for that (the overwhelming love, the value of motherhood, the new perspective on purpose etc) that make up for that, but it’s still a fact.

Things are easier now but we had a seriously rocky first few months and there were many times that I felt that if I had my time again without knowing my son I wouldn’t choose children. I don’t feel that way at the moment but I have done, and I may again.

Basically, I think it’s complex. You can love your children beyond measure and be unable to imagine life without them and still yearn for the life you had and miss the child-free alternative you gave up. And I think that’s especially true in the first year when it’s so hard and you’re still adjusting.

Immaculatemisconception · 09/10/2021 07:02

I think what he said was quite fair and understandable. There’s nothing there to be upset about. 💐

ThirdElephant · 09/10/2021 07:02

@Evasmithsghost

See so I don’t want to sound contentious but then why have two?

I do miss aspects of my old life (like lie ins!) but if I really regretted DS I wouldn’t be thinking of having another child in the future.

Because he loves his DD, even though overall he preferred his life pre-kids, and since he can't return to his pre-kid lifestyle figures he'd like another?

Also, having a second to entertain the first can reduce the time pressures on parents.

mistermagpie · 09/10/2021 07:04

I don't regret having my children. I have three aged 6 and under so it can be really really challenging, but I think one way of coping with it is just to sort of lower your expectations about what your life is going to look like. Holidays aren't really fun for me and DH now and we got to places we wouldn't really choose to, meals out with all the kids are so stressful that we don't even really bother with it now, etc etc. But I'm alright with all that, it's just part of life.

It sounds like your husband is the same really, just getting on with it. But I can't imagine saying anything like wondering whether I should have had them... maybe it's just not something I allow myself to think about and he's just being honest though?

I wouldn't get massively hung up on it, he sounds like a good dad and that's what matters. Age 1 is a bit of a shit show to be honest (have one myself) and it's my least favourite age, has been with all my kids, so that will be influencing what he says.

Etherealhedgehog · 09/10/2021 07:08

He's just honestly articulating how a lot of people feel, and the world would be a happier place if everyone did that without fear of being considered 'out of line'

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 07:10

I think he's being realistic and that's what I would tell someone as well if they weren't sure.

AnyOldPrion · 09/10/2021 07:10

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

He won’t feel like that for ever though. One day when he’s older his life will partly revolve round her and any grandchildren, but in a different way to how it does now. He’ll be saying it’s one of the most important/ precious things he’s ever done.
I love this post.

I’m at the other end. Two of mine have left home and the other is in the process of leaving. They all seem to be progressing towards fully independent lives and I’m very proud of them. It’s not surprising he feels this way. Mixed feelings about the enormous change a baby brings are normal. I thought I was more prepared than most, as I had a career that was very tying and involved a lot of sleepless nights, but even I felt shocked by the twenty-four seven responsibility. If he’s a good father, which you say he is, make the most of him.

Cherryana · 09/10/2021 07:11

It is holding conflicting and contradictory views that makes us human. Social media and culture tend to channel people to completely one view or another - but your husband sounds intelligent, reflective and commuted to you both.

Cherryana · 09/10/2021 07:12

Committed

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 09/10/2021 07:13

I think a PP makes a great point about assumptions that this feeling is permanent and/or linear. I've been a parent for 16 years and there haven't been any stand-out 'difficult' or 'easy' phases - it's been a mix of joys and worries all through - but certainly as my older two have hit the teens there are moments of thinking how much easier/less worry life would be without them. There's a proverb in the country I live in - 'little children, little worries; big children, big worries' and sometimes I find myself half-humorously agreeing with it. That doesn't mean I 'regret' them. It means I'm beginning to realise, in a way I didn't when they were small, just how much of a risk (iyswim) having children is, particularly when you see them turning into their own people and developing aspects to their personalities that are foreign to you and which you worry will make their lives harder for them going forward. (And I would add we don't have any serious problems with them - it's on the 'coasting, mediocre grades, minor rudeness, excessive screen time' level. But the worry of them .'going rogue' is very much present). I can see a parallel to the baby-stage 'regret' (which I never had) in that both of these stages represent a loss of control for the parent over something they were used to controlling - one's own life and schedule for babies, the children themselves ('control' in the sense that influencing them and deciding what they did then was a much more realistic proposition previously) for teens. People hate not being in control of things. Most do adapt.

I do think the more able we feel to talk with nuance about any experience - including having children - without aspersions being cast on anything that isn't complete enthusiasm, the better it is overall for our individual and societal mental health.

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 09/10/2021 07:14

*deciding what they did when, not 'then'

Thatsplentyjack · 09/10/2021 07:14

I think most people feel like that. Kids are hard work, and even if you get a couple of nights away without them, they are on your mind so you never get to completely relax.

Wineandroses3 · 09/10/2021 07:15

Your DH clearly loves his daughter but has given a realistic answer as everyone whose ever had a one year old know sometimes it’s very very difficult, tiring and relentless. I wouldn’t worry about what he said at all, he still loves his daughter

ArtichokeAardvark · 09/10/2021 07:15

I'm with your DH to an extent. I hugely miss my old life pre children and think wistfully about how wonderful it was at least once a day. Usually at 5am when I'm so desperately tired I could cry, but they are up and bouncing off the walls. My kids are 3 and 1, so not dissimilar situation to you. However, missing my old life doesn't mean I regret having my kids.

onelittlefrog · 09/10/2021 07:15

It sounds like good advice that he would give, to be honest. I agree that anyone on the fence or not sure about having children probably shouldn't have them. It's such a massive life change and we don't need more unwanted children in this world.

I think it's OK to miss his previous life too, and to say he might have done things differently if he had his time over again. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love or want his daughter (or any future children). It's just that parenthood is a hard slog especially in the first year.

CarryOnNurse20 · 09/10/2021 07:16

@Evasmithsghost @mistermagpie I guess it’s a bit in for a penny in for a pound! I’ve actually enjoyed having children far more since having 2- having a baby with a bit more confidence and knowledge was a far happier experience and watching the two kids interact and play has solidified to me how wonderful they are and how grateful I am to have had them.

However- I look at my friends who don’t have kids (most planning on them in future) and have pangs of envy. The sleep ins, the holidays, the free time, the money!! I loved our life before kids and we had them earlier than I expected so sometimes feel it was cut short. But I adore my kids and 5 years and 2 kids in it knees deep in parents life and enjoy it. But it’s ok to have what ifs! I do with kids, jobs, where we live! Always considering moving abroad.. I’m not dissatisfied I love my life but I love considering ‘options’.

Lanareyrey · 09/10/2021 07:17

YABU. I feel exactly the same as he does after having 2. Gets harder as they get older to. Love them to bits though.