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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:
Prokupatuscrakedatus · 09/10/2021 09:09

Your DP gave a considered and honest answer and showed himself to be an adult.

Your reaction on the other hand...

AliasGrape · 09/10/2021 09:09

I suspect my DH might feel similarly sometimes, we also have a 1 year old. He’s a great dad, does his share of parenting, loves DD to bits but I think he finds it harder than me. I don’t think it helps that DD is very very much all about me still, she loves her dad but will still pick me every time and kicks off if it’s him putting her to bed or trying to give her a cuddle or whatever. She likes to play running around shrieking games with him and will take him toys/ books to look at but all the extra cute snuggly stuff gets reserved for me right now which I think is hard on him.

I get more of the grunt work as I’m a mostly SAHM for now ( bit of freelance stuff done around DD) and I do tend for ease to just deal with the nighttime’s as I know she’ll settle quicker for me although I know it’s making a rod for my own back. Physically I’m knackered and objectively my life is harder, more restricted and more repetitive than before. But I don’t regret her for a second and if I could go back I’d choose to have her again and again a hundred times over. Like I say though, I think it’s been more of an eye opener for DH and I’m not sure he’d say the same - I don’t blame him for that, he adores DD and is a good dad so that’s all that counts.

SallyDoTheDishes · 09/10/2021 09:12

My children are now 18 and 15 and honestly when you are in the thick of it with baby or toddler years it does feel restrictive and overwhelming. Everything shifts to being about them, considering them in decisions about going out and holidays etc.

He clearly loves his child and dotes on her, but right now she is a lot of work because she is just a baby. It gets easier or at least it should, no more nappy changes because they use the toilet, no constantly having to entertain them because they learn to entertain themselves. Think how much she has changed from a newborn.

I think you should appreciate his honesty about it.

madamovaries · 09/10/2021 09:22

A friend described children as “the most wonderful way to ruin your life”.
It is gruelling. I think your partner’s response is totally normal and good for him for being honest.
One thing I’ve thought a lot since having a baby is that mothers tend to get a bit more out of the first few months (though obviously can have it so, so much harder than fathers too) — and that’s been exacerbated during the pandemic. My husband wasn’t allowed to go to my scans, wasn’t allowed to stay in the hospital with us etc. So when I eventually took my son home, it felt like my son and I were a team and my husband had to slot his way in. Plus because I breastfed, my son and I had loads of time to bond that his father wasn’t part of. Oh and of course I’d been carrying him around in utero.
As your daughter gets older, I reckon your partner will get more from it, while hopefully it will get a bit easier to resume a social life (it does get easier, right...?!!!)

FrauleinSchweiger · 09/10/2021 09:26

These threads always make me feel like I don't belong on MN as it seems to be assumed that "most parents" feel like this. Believe it or not some of us don't. That is not said to sound smug but I do wonder if people reading these threads think that everyone regrets having had children and yearns for their child free life.

I think it seems increasingly unfashionable to say that you have never regretted having children and that evenings out, holidays, new cars etc do not compare to the joy that children can bring. And before anyone piles on, I am not doubting that it's bloody hard work. My DH was initially unsure about having kids and the only thing that he ever said after having them was "we should have done it years ago". I don't say this to upset or aggravate anyone, not to diminish their experience but merely to add some balance. Apologies to anyone whom I have offended.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:29

No one had said they regret their children, have they?

The thread is titled "regret" but the OPs DH specifically said he did NOT regret their child.

FrauleinSchweiger · 09/10/2021 09:33

Well as I read it quite a few people said that if they had their time over again they wouldn't have them. Apologies if I got it wrong but there seem to be so many of these threads these days. As I said, maybe MM isn't the place for me anymore.Sad

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 09:35

@FrauleinSchweiger I feel the same as you. My DC bring us so much joy and we have a brilliant life with them. I would imagine life without them incredibly dull.

CorianderAndCream · 09/10/2021 09:35

I think lots of people feel like that. He's right, it's a massive and difficult change. I don't think you should be upset

Tal45 · 09/10/2021 09:38

I felt much worse than that having a 1 year old, spent at least the first two years wondering what the hell I'd done! Kids are not easy but it will get more fun and rewarding as she gets older and there will be more you can do together that's fun as she grows up. We have a teen now and can go anywhere and do pretty much anything, no regrets at all, we've done so much together - and so much that we wouldn't have done without a child.
I don't think you have any need to be upset by what he said at all, having a child is a HUGE adjustment x

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 09:40

These threads always make me feel like I don't belong on MN as it seems to be assumed that "most parents" feel like this. Believe it or not some of us don't. That is not said to sound smug but I do wonder if people reading these threads think that everyone regrets having had children and yearns for their child free life.

That doesn't even make sense.

Even if people believed most parents feel this way, most doesn't mean all. So by default, saying most feel this way you are acknowledging some don't.

I wouldn't have had my kids in the same circumstances I did. I honestly think, anyone who says they never miss their child free life, even for a second in the middle of the night when their 6 week old still hasn't slept, is just good at forgetting.

Its not unfashionable to say you don't regret your kids.

For years and years, women especially had to pretend everything was perfect. People didn't talk about the difficult side, the side they found difficult, the problems etc.

People feel more comfortable being honest , not sure why that makes you feel put out and like you don't belong? That's quite dramatic, based on your own view of your life.

TableFlowerss · 09/10/2021 09:41

YABU.

You asked him a question, he answered honestly. I think many men are easy either way whether they have DC. They go with the flow, because ultimately the choice isn’t down to them. If a woman wants a baby, she’ll have a baby. You just have to look at the other boards where the woman says ‘DH doesn’t want to keep the baby’, the advice is always ‘have the baby, it’s not up to him… you’re body your choice etc’

Some men will want their partner to be happy and if she wants a baby then he’ll go along with it. Some men absolutely want them from day dot, some might decide they want them later on… there’s lots of variables and nothing is right or wrong.

Your DH sounds like a great dad and DD is clearly very loved, it’s not reflection of his love.

JoyPeaceHope · 09/10/2021 09:42

I also think it's really good if you can discuss these things openly as a couple. Like oh my goodness, what did we used to do with our time! And it brings you together to cope with the hard times of you can be honest to one another.

The first year is an absolute slog. It gets better once they get a bit older and dad can take them swimming, mini golf, movies, lunches out, camping etc...

GettingUntrapped · 09/10/2021 09:42

Maybe it depends on what kind of life you had before children? Mine was full - travel, excitement, career, me feeling like I was moving forward with self development etc.
Having children can put a stop to all of that, and I've found that incredibly difficult.
As for the joys, plenty in the first years, but the self sacrifice (which is very real and lived every day) drudgery, frustration, boredom and tedium is too big a price to pay in my opinion.
It's not the fault of the children, but our culture which doesn't support parents, especially mothers, enough.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:43

@RussianSpy101 and @FrauleinSchweiger yeh I've not had so much joy being met with a Noddy 2yr old who had a face like thunder and was trying to bat me away when I went to get him from his cot this morning. Then for him to have removed his nappy, refused another, refused all clothes, ripped the best off I managed to get over his head.
Sat downstairs peeing on the carpet three time, getting kicked and hit when trying to get nappy and vest on again.
It's very very tiring. Where is the "joy" in that?
I think you've forgotten how hard work toddlers are.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:43

Or you never had to deal with it and then you've been lucky and had an easy ride..

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:43

*moody not Noddy!

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 09:44

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend
That would be odd considering I currently have 2 toddlers and a 7yo. ( 3 & 2 yo)
My middle child has additional needs. I would not be without any of them.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:47

But the way you write is like through rose tinted glasses. Oh so joyous. Well it's bloody not for a lot of it. It's trying to get them to eat something nutritious, plates of food being splatted all over the place, refusal of clothes, refusal to put a coat on, refusal to basically do anything you actually want them to do. And now being hit is the new thing which I know is going to be a phase but it's just shit quite frankly.

ThirdElephant · 09/10/2021 09:48

@FrauleinSchweiger

These threads always make me feel like I don't belong on MN as it seems to be assumed that "most parents" feel like this. Believe it or not some of us don't. That is not said to sound smug but I do wonder if people reading these threads think that everyone regrets having had children and yearns for their child free life.

I think it seems increasingly unfashionable to say that you have never regretted having children and that evenings out, holidays, new cars etc do not compare to the joy that children can bring. And before anyone piles on, I am not doubting that it's bloody hard work. My DH was initially unsure about having kids and the only thing that he ever said after having them was "we should have done it years ago". I don't say this to upset or aggravate anyone, not to diminish their experience but merely to add some balance. Apologies to anyone whom I have offended.

What you've got to understand is that Mumsnet is a community containing people from all walks of life- mums, dads, the child-free, the childless, employed, unemployed, self-employed, retired, students... It's not an echo chamber, nor is it designed to be. Different threads attract a different subset of the Mumsnet populace, but you'll find all views represented here.

To not feel like you belong because you don't share the majority viewpoint on a thread or board is to misunderstand the nature of the site as a whole. Can you imagine how boring it would be if we all just parroted each other's ideas? So you have a different take on the issue- so what?

Fernando072020 · 09/10/2021 09:48

Yabu. My husband has shared he feels the same but he has also said he doesn't regret our son, just that it's damn hard and he was much more relaxed and misses the "easy" life before. Again though, he does 50/50 parenting, he dotes on our son and 50/50 housework too.
I was a bit upset when I first heard but honestly, now I realise it's completely normal, especially when you throw on top no family around to help us and a pandemic. He was just being honest and he clearly loves your DD... Actions speak louder than words

FrauleinSchweiger · 09/10/2021 09:51

Ok @Nightbringer - you're probably right but I rarely see a thread where people say they have never regretted having children as it would be deemed a "stealth brag". Having been on here for many years, there seem to be more and more doom laden posts on all sorts of topics. I fully agree that it's great to be able to share feelings more openly but "most" parents suggests that it is the "norm" to have regrets and that I am somehow unusual. I suppose that may be the case and I haven't taken a poll from friends about whether they regret having had children so maybe that's correct. I feel increasingly like I don't belong on here because despite challenging life events I am a relatively optimistic person and all I find on here lately is negativity and "we're all going to help in a handcart" mentality which I don't find helpful. I think it's time for me to say "I'm out".

RowanAlong · 09/10/2021 09:51

He was honest and respectful for where he is now, a relatively new parent to the first child. It gets easier as time goes on. He may still feel the same about preferring his old life, but the bond and delight in his child will only carry on developing and making the past life fade a bit more!

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 09/10/2021 09:51

I would have definitely said the same with a one year old and I’m sure parents of teens do too! When they are an adult he might feel differently, that with the benefit of hindsight it was worth it.
I don’t think he was unreasonable.

emeraldjones · 09/10/2021 09:51

But the way you write is like through rose tinted glasses. Oh so joyous. Well it's bloody not for a lot of it. It's trying to get them to eat something nutritious, plates of food being splatted all over the place, refusal of clothes, refusal to put a coat on, refusal to basically do anything you actually want them to do. And now being hit is the new thing which I know is going to be a phase but it's just shit quite frankly.

Cripes! Which one of you is the adult?