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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:

CarryOnNurse20 · 09/10/2021 07:17

I mean I had more confidence and knowledge obviously rather than having a super brainy self confident newborn 😂 hope that’s makes sense!

Tirediam · 09/10/2021 07:21

My son is 2.5.. if I had to do it again I wouldn’t but it doesn’t mean I don’t love every cell of his being. Life is hard, so hard with a baby/toddler. I’m sure it will get easier as he gets older.

Rhubarbcrumblerules · 09/10/2021 07:22

As much as I love my two children more than anything, I feel I have been treading water for the last 21 years and am only just finding myself again.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 07:24

@Tirediam

This is what I'm hoping

MitheringMytryl · 09/10/2021 07:24

I think it's a very positive sign that he was so honest with you. That's part of a healthy marriage, and some couples stop communicating after they have kids.

You have a 1yo. That can be a very tough time. I had days with my first where I thought "I love you, but I wish I could go back in time to before I had you". By the time she was 2 I felt completely differently, and have happily had more children.

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 07:26

@FloconDeNeige you still can. My DC (except the youngest) have skied, scuba dived, been on speedboats & jet skies, been on camel rides and have travelled to many countries.

Tirediam · 09/10/2021 07:28

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 Or it’s gin every day for me!!

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/10/2021 07:30

I can distinguish between my feelings for him and how I feel about motherhood in general (which is not dissimilar to how your DH feels)

This is how I feel. My DS is my sun and moon but equally I feel quite trapped by motherhood. I couldn't live without him now but at the same time I know I would have had a perfectly happy life without children.

But you can't have both (children and freedom) and you can't even really have any kind of middle ground compromise either (unless you have squillions of money and can outsource everything). Like a PP said, in for a penny in for a pound so if you're going to do it you need to just do it. Doesn't mean he can't miss his old life or wonder about what else might have been sometimes. I know I do!

bozzabollix · 09/10/2021 07:30

I don’t think he’s been unreasonable, when kids are that age it’s such hard work. My youngest is now seven and it’s way easier.

When you say you had a great social life it sounds like that’s in the past. Do you not socialise now? I know some parents choose a route so child centred that it doesn’t allow for their needs. If that’s you maybe give yourselves a bit of a breather, invite friends over, see if grandparents can take over for a night whilst you go out. It might feel less like life as you knew it is over.

HarrisMcCoo · 09/10/2021 07:31

@Tickly

Think that is pretty normal with a 1yo first child tbh. It's a massive shock to the system how much freedom you lose. It does get easier though.

No it doesn't! I have a teenager 😂

ohfook · 09/10/2021 07:31

He's pretty much summed up how I felt about a year in to parenthood too. I love my kids and wouldn't be without them but god my life was good before I had them and there's times I miss that a lot.

ittakes2 · 09/10/2021 07:35

I think this advice to others is very sensible.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/10/2021 07:36

[quote RussianSpy101]@FloconDeNeige you still can. My DC (except the youngest) have skied, scuba dived, been on speedboats & jet skies, been on camel rides and have travelled to many countries.[/quote]
Which is lovely but will be beyond the budget of most families, especially once you are in the school years and paying inflated prices for holidays while still paying wrap round care and have more than one child.

ohfook · 09/10/2021 07:38

Also you obviously have a good relationship if he felt like he could say that to you. You should be pleased you can be so honest with each other.

I once tried to explain to my husband that having kids had really cemented my belief in access to abortion. I didn't want to retroactively abort my kids - I was trying to explain that despite really wanting them and loving themI found some aspects (torn arsehole, sleep deprivation, being skint, no social life, having to listen to shit about trains for 12 hours a day) hard so I thought it was horrific to enforce it on someone who didn't actually want any of this. He absolutely went off it with me, couldn't believe I'd think such a thing etc. It caused a huge row for what was me essentially trying to talk to him about the less than perfect bits.

hesterstanhope · 09/10/2021 07:43

Also worth remembering that life moves on regardless, who’s to say if you didn’t have the child he’d skill be living his old life.
And certainly, he never experienced life as a lonely older person with no living relatives.
It’s a modern construct that life is a series of discrete choices.

MoiraRose4 · 09/10/2021 07:47

He’s not BU at all. I completely agree with him. I don’t regret my children at all, but if I had my time again, I think I’d choose a child-free life.

ViceLikeBlip · 09/10/2021 07:48

It's very normal for him to feel that way, and it's very normal for you to be upset by it. No right, no wrong, just people with human emotions living together xx

Mayhemmumma · 09/10/2021 07:51

Ah come on you asked and you knew the answer.

He's a lovely dad, adores his daughter but misses the freedom of your old life. That's fair enough.

Evasmithsghost · 09/10/2021 08:00

@CarryOnNurse20 I was pretty old when I had DS. I think I would have found having a baby and being surrounded by childless friends very difficult

Coldsorehelp1234 · 09/10/2021 08:01

His not being unreasonable. I have days where I feel like this, but I wouldn’t change my kids for the world

Coldsorehelp1234 · 09/10/2021 08:01

@Mayhemmumma

Ah come on you asked and you knew the answer.

He's a lovely dad, adores his daughter but misses the freedom of your old life. That's fair enough.

This. That’s all it is

Scrollonthroughtherain · 09/10/2021 08:03

I love my twins to death but sometimes i really hate being a parent. Dealing with tantrums, working out what to feed them, sorting out their outgrown stuff, school runs, talking to other parents who only want to take about their kids sleep and shit, always having to be switched on in mum mode etc etc. Spending my money on childcare and wearing the cheapest shit from primark. Most of parenting is bloody tedious, sprinkled with the good bits. For the first few years the bad bits definitely outweighed the good bits for me. It's getting better as they get older, but when anyone asks me, i tell them what your husband said. Don't have children unless you desperately want them. I thought long and hard before i had them and I've still struggled a million times more than i thought i would.

Just10moreminutesplease · 09/10/2021 08:03

I think I’d be upset too OP. But I don’t think your DH is unreasonable in what he said…you did ask, and he was just honest with you.

rainyskylight · 09/10/2021 08:04

I have an 11mo.
I’d also add that this has been a monumentally difficult year to become a parent. Your DH may be entangling some pandemic stuff in with his new parental shock. Everyone’s social lives have been decimated.

KarmaStar · 09/10/2021 08:05

He's a great dad,you said so!
He was honest,you asked.
Why get upset?
Come on,get over yourself and move on.

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