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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:
belowtheclouds · 09/10/2021 09:52

I felt the same way when my daughter was 1...and 2....and 3....and 4....then she started school and things have been easy and mostly lovely ever since. She is 8 tomorrow and just great, my wee best friend and I have a lot more freedom back now and she's a lot less work. So it does get better and I think it's pretty normal to feel like that. I think it was honest or him to voice that, no enough parents do.

SylvanasWindrunner · 09/10/2021 09:53

I think DH would say the same. He loves the bones of her and is a good parent, but he does find it hard and his life was easier and probably more enjoyable on a day to day basis before. But he would never be without her now, which I think is what your DH is saying. It's just that if you took the love and sentiment out and looked at lifestyle pre-baby and post, he would prefer the pre-baby one. That's what I get from what he said, at least.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 09/10/2021 09:54

There are pages and pages of threads on here about women who feel like this aswell. Your husband was just being honest and he had every right to feel the way he does.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 09:54

@FrauleinSchweiger the same as you don't see people start thread alike "my vrith was absolutely wonderful because of X,y,z"

You see threads about negative birth experience and people like to contribute their own experience

belowtheclouds · 09/10/2021 09:55

I remember when my daughter was 4 weeks old, standing out the back door having a cigarette at 3 in the morning on a freezing November night, her crying in the cot after me trying everything to settle her and just thinking 'what the fuck have I done? I have ruined my life'. I was only just 21 at the time, partner on constant night shifts, baby unplanned and struggling with the adjustment. But now, she has done the opposite of ruin my life, I'm so thankful to have her.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 09/10/2021 09:55

For what it’s worth, I feel very differently with primary aged children than I felt with a baby/toddler.
We have so much fun together.
I don’t think ‘regret’ is a static thing and what he is really saying, if you rephrase it is that “I didn’t really know how hard it would be and I miss some aspects of our old life”. When you put it like that I’m sure most parents would agree.

FrauleinSchweiger · 09/10/2021 09:56

Ok so @JasonMomoasgirlfriend - I obviously have upset you and I apologise. But please don't assume that I have had it easy - as a parent with a disability I can assure you that I haven't.

And thanks @ThirdElephant for explaining to me that there are lots of different opinions on here but that mine doesn't count because "so what?". You have illustrated my point about how unwelcoming this place is now beautifully.

AppleBlueberryPie · 09/10/2021 09:56

I think you're husband is being very honest and respect to him for speaking it out loud! DH and I are on the same page, we love DD to bits but feel exactly the same way. We are resolutely one and done. We're looking forward to all the new experiences & milestones with DD once she's older but nothing on earth would make us go back to the hell of having a baby.

I daresay a lot of men regret children but don't articulate it and instead just act like dicks/cheat/disappear until the marriage breaks down within the first few years. Then they have their freedom back anyway.

SylvanasWindrunner · 09/10/2021 09:56

And of course it can be joyous, but it can also be bloody frustrating, exhausting, infuriating and upsetting. I always think that the highs in life now feel higher but the lows consequently feel worse too. The extremes become more so. And day to day, I cry more than I did pre-baby for sure. But I also get more joy in a day than before too!

TableFlowerss · 09/10/2021 09:57

@FrauleinSchweiger

Well as I read it quite a few people said that if they had their time over again they wouldn't have them. Apologies if I got it wrong but there seem to be so many of these threads these days. As I said, maybe MM isn't the place for me anymore.Sad
Stop being ridiculous. Even if everyone in this thread said they regretted it, how does that affect you? Just avoid threads like this in the future. Sounds like you’re trying to be a martyr.

There are lots of variables as to what makes it easier/difficult bring up children. Family support and help will have a big impact on how easy some find it. Some people have zero support. Single parents will have a hard time, those with DC with additional needs, they’d financial circumstances, the temperament of the child, whether the sleep etc… so one person’s experience can be very different from the next persons.

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 09:59

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend of course it isn’t rose tinted. You find ways that work. Instead of getting stressed and annoyed about food not being eaten or them not wanting to get dressed, make it easier for both of you! It can be much easier but you need to be calmer about it.

I get my toddlers 3 outfits out in a morning and they choose what they want. No dramas.
Get cookie cutters in fun shapes or make pictures with their food on the plate.
They might not eat broccoli but they will eat a dinosaur with peas for his eyes.
If they flip their plate at the table, get a blanket out and have a picnic on the floor.

You probably think this all sounds ridiculous but I don’t feel stressed and my DC do make me very happy so don’t be quick to mock my suggestions.

I get it can sometimes be stressful but there are simple, little ways of making things less so and it will make you both much calmer and happier.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/10/2021 10:01

I think his comments are fair, valid, balanced and pragmatic. I would also recommend anyone not wholeheartedly wanting children to choose not to, unless you are, like your dp, able to be a great parent and live and raise that child even if you prefer the 'before'. I sometimes feel the same way as him and I'm a devoted mother to 2 dc 11yo and 8yo who are my absolute world and who know they are loved to their very bones.

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 09/10/2021 10:02

FrauleinSchweiger - I see this as the key point in Nightbringer's post:

'For years and years, women especially had to pretend everything was perfect. People didn't talk about the difficult side, the side they found difficult, the problems etc. '

Women in particular are still socialised to keep going, keep quiet about difficult experiences and look after others' wellbeing, which often includes being cheerful/happy to lift others. Then there's the 'competition' aspect of motherhood. The pressure to be having a wonderful time for all to see on SM. Who has the happiest, most confident, busiest, cleverest, most resilient children. Of course it's going to seem like a breath of fresh air for people to be able to admit their ambivalent/negative feelings around motherhood, especially in an anonymous space where there won't be pushback from those around you. Your implication that it seems to be all about nights out/holidays etc for people is unfair - I think 'I miss my nights out/holidays' often means 'I miss my autonomy [especially when I see my dh/dp getting on with his life in much the same way as previously - which is the case far too often still - all credit to the OP's dh that it's not the case for him]'. It's OK to miss autonomy you once had and have lost, for now or forever. Nobody needs to be 'optimistic' and upbeat for your or anyone else's sake.

In4mation · 09/10/2021 10:02

I would never regret my kids but I did miss my old life.

Branleuse · 09/10/2021 10:04

I think hes being fair and reasonable. My kids are very very loved by me, dp and all our extended family, but me and dp have both said we should maybe have got dogs instead

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 09/10/2021 10:05

(And I'm coming at this from the position of one who found the transition to motherhood easy and didn't miss nights out etc. I enjoyed having small ones, despite the exhaustion and exasperation - it was a lovely bit of parenting. But I don't believe everyone has to see it the same way as me)

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/10/2021 10:05

@emeraldjones

But the way you write is like through rose tinted glasses. Oh so joyous. Well it's bloody not for a lot of it. It's trying to get them to eat something nutritious, plates of food being splatted all over the place, refusal of clothes, refusal to put a coat on, refusal to basically do anything you actually want them to do. And now being hit is the new thing which I know is going to be a phase but it's just shit quite frankly.

Cripes! Which one of you is the adult?

Helpful! MN at its best.. judgey judgey
Bellringer · 09/10/2021 10:05

They grow up you know

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/10/2021 10:15

Just because he's a bit sad about losing his lifestyle right now, and often tired and overwhelmed by having a 1 year old doesn't mean he will regret having children for their entire lifetime! In fact, it doesn't even sound like he regrets having them now! The early baby/toddler period is very intense, I cried every day the first month of my daughter's life thinking what have I done, why did I do this to myself? That was one time point in an entire 18 years to date of having her in our lives, which I absolutely don't regret at all, because in the main it's been fab (as well as stressful).

Also, if you are sociable people, get out there and socialize. You have one child, if you have any money, get a babysitter, take your child along, socialize with other people- I have friends who are out most weekends with the kids doing stuff with other families, social stuff forms if they are in sports groups, or just free each other up to socialize with friends (one afternoon each on weekends).

He's saying life would be different if you didn't have kids, and it would. I have childfree friends and they sometimes (not all) reflect on what it would have been like to have kids, especially one friend who wasn't against it, just ran out of time. That's not a problem.

Phobiaphobic · 09/10/2021 10:15

@FlamesEmbersAshes

He’s not out of order. You asked and he gave an honest answer. I think you’d be surprised how many parents would say the same.
This. I love my children more than my own life, but it's been an eye-opener and has taught me a lot, including:

You may love your children but not necessarily like the adult they grow up to be.

You have limited influence over the adults they become - most of us fuck up in some aspect of parenting, plus you're up again genes, society and circumstance, as well as the influence of an ex, if your marriage doesn't survive.

Children often hollow out a marriage, sucking out all the energy, time and attention until all you're left with is a husk and empty nest syndrome.

You're emotionally hijacked by yours kids for life. You never stop worrying about them, or feeling guilty for what you've got wrong. You'll never regain the kind of peace of mind you had before having kids because you've made yourself a hostage to their fortunes as well as their own.

They cost a bloody fortune too.

HarrisMcCoo · 09/10/2021 10:16

@Bellringer

They grow up you know
And cause lots of stress in other ways, yes...
Sceptre86 · 09/10/2021 10:29

You asked and he answered. Don't ask questions if you are unprepared for an answer you won't like. Yabu.

He is unreasonable in that it shouldn't have been a massive shock that having a child would impact on his life, particularly his social life. Did he not consider this prior to having your child?

Suzi888 · 09/10/2021 10:30

@FlamesEmbersAshes

He’s not out of order. You asked and he gave an honest answer. I think you’d be surprised how many parents would say the same.
^ another vote for this.
BashfulClam · 09/10/2021 10:34

I know a few people who don’t regret having children but wouldn’t have them if they had their time again. They love their children and that is just how life is.

beingsunny · 09/10/2021 10:34

He isn't saying that he regrets having your child, he's saying he had no idea what a life changer it would be. Do any of us?

I have 1 DS, he is the most important person in my whole world, I love him with every much of my being, I've never known live like it. However it's hard, and sometimes I remember what's it's like to be able to put myself first, I feel like it's unlikely I will ever be the most important person in my life again, because I probably won't, even if I try, he's always there and my instincts are always for him and his well-being.

I dont resent him for this, but he's 9 and I'm still realising that even when they become more independent I will still worry about him at every stage.