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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regretting Children

166 replies

ClementBatley · 08/10/2021 23:58

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

OP posts:
Scrollonthroughtherain · 09/10/2021 08:05

My DC (except the youngest) have skied, scuba dived, been on speedboats & jet skies, been on camel rides and have travelled to many countries.

Yeah cos those kind of holidays are totally for the vast majority of parents Confused

PjsOn · 09/10/2021 08:07

You shouldn't have asked, you did though and didn't get the answer you wanted, so now you're upset. He seems to have been naive going into having kids, it's not rocket science to realise your lifestyle will completely change once you have kids. So you are both unreasonable.

thatsnotmyzoo · 09/10/2021 08:09

I agree with him and it’s a really positive sign that he could be honest with you.

I have a 2yo DS who is quite an easy child and I love him with every cell in my body. He brings me joy every day but being a parent is hard. And boring. It’s not him, it’s the parenting that I don’t enjoy.

I would say that on a purely factual level my lifestyle was better before and I do miss that lifestyle all the time. I dream of going on holiday to 2018!

HarrisMcCoo · 09/10/2021 08:10

It's easier when they are babies. Dealing with school system once they're in it is exhausting. I long for those lazy days on the couch feeding babies without all the stress of the outside world. Just another way of looking at it.

Once they get older, you really know what worry is😫

HarrisMcCoo · 09/10/2021 08:11

@Scrollonthroughtherain

My DC (except the youngest) have skied, scuba dived, been on speedboats & jet skies, been on camel rides and have travelled to many countries.

Yeah cos those kind of holidays are totally for the vast majority of parents Confused

In my dreams 😂 I am exhausted at the thought of doing all those activities with my 4🤣🤣
Mumoftwo1990 · 09/10/2021 08:14

@ClementBatley

DP and I have a DD aged 1. DP a great dad, active, hands on, clearly loves her to bits. Does his fair share of childcare and household stuff, and he’s great with her too, DD really loves him. He’s a bit more laid back about some things than I am but broadly speaking we’re both on the same page.

We were recently watching something on TV and someone on the show said that he was 50/50 about whether he wanted to have children. DP commented that the advice he would give anyone in that situation is that if they’re not sure then don’t have them.

Something about the way he said it led me to ask him whether he regretted having DD. I’ve always had a suspicion that he had a child just for me, rather than because he particularly wanted to, so perhaps it was that which prompted my question.

He replied that he didn’t regret her, that she was brilliant and he wouldn’t be without her. However, if he had his time again, knowing what he knows now about the impact children have on your life, he might make a different choice. He also said that he preferred his lifestyle before children (we had a great social life), but accepted that had, in the main, gone and was happy to crack on with family life. He also said he would never, ever, make her feel like she wasn’t wanted.

I feel really upset by what he said. On one hand it seems perfectly reasonable and he was just being honest. On the other he’s saying he’s effectively saying he’s trapped in a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

AIBU? Or is he out of order?

I think most parents would say this, I love my girls but life is easier without kids.

If your husband had said I regret her totally then yes I'd be upset but he doesn't, he just honestly acknowledged that he would probably do it differently if he had his time again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2021 08:16

He can’t be out of order for being honest when you asked him a question.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/10/2021 08:19

He’s just being honest, it’s her work.

Out of interest though, why has your social life stopped?

Happylittlethoughts · 09/10/2021 08:23

He is not being unreadable at all and sounds a great Dad.

DontWantTheRivalry · 09/10/2021 08:25

I have two children, they are my world and I adore them.

But, if I had the opportunity to have another life, I would have a child free one.

Barbie222 · 09/10/2021 08:27

The conversation is usually centred around people with very young children. We don’t often read of adults with grown up children who still fully regret their children, unless something truly dreadful has occurred perhaps.

I agree with this. Not the nicest thing to say, but with a one year old, you've just got a time-consuming, complicated pet and a lot of life is boring /repetitive at that age to adults. As children grow they fill the gaps that are wide just now, and become better company.

fournonblondes · 09/10/2021 08:29

I would comment the same as your husband . I am a super committed parent but it is the hardest thing I have ever done. If someone is having doubts I would say do not have children to them.

Standrewsschool · 09/10/2021 08:34

I can understand how hurt you may feel, but his reaction is not unusual. You can’t quite comprehend how your life changes almost overnight when you have a baby, and it must have have been even harder in the last couple of years when you didn’t have the support network of antenatal classes etc.

You said he’s a great dad etc so focus on this.

JoborPlay · 09/10/2021 08:35

I feel the same as your DH and my kids are a bit older. YABU.

oiwiththepoodlesalready83 · 09/10/2021 08:37

My DH sounds exactly like your DP, we had a very similar conversation whilst on our first holiday with our 2 year old DS. We reminisced about how easy our life was, the lie ins, the freedom and the SLEEP!! Parenting is so hard, no one can prepare you for the relentlessness of it. Isn’t being honest and open about your feelings part of a healthy relationship? It sounds like he articulated himself well and clearly loves your DD. Go easy on yourself and your DP 💐

Nightbringer · 09/10/2021 08:38

It doesn't matter wether your kids have jet skied or not.

Your life changes when you have kids. It's the little changes.

I don't regret my kids. But do often dream of a life where I can come and go as please and not have to plan around 2 other people.

RussianSpy101 · 09/10/2021 08:39

@Scrollonthroughtherain the PP I was replying to said she did all these things previous to having her child and can’t do them now. I was pointing out she can.

mydogisthebest · 09/10/2021 08:49

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

He won’t feel like that for ever though. One day when he’s older his life will partly revolve round her and any grandchildren, but in a different way to how it does now. He’ll be saying it’s one of the most important/ precious things he’s ever done.
That's not always true. Quite a few of my friends have grandchildren but still say if they could go back in time they would not have children.
HailAdrian · 09/10/2021 08:56

Hmm I was pregnant at 16 and have essentially warned my now 15yo not to do the same. I don't regret them but it's so difficult.

GettingUntrapped · 09/10/2021 08:58

Maybe by the time they are older we can be so worn down, broke and have lost ourselves so much that we just accept that is how things are. No point complaining anymore. Sorry, I know that sounds grim. I don't believe that giving up so much of yourself for so long is natural, it's a culturally imposed mate-guarding system. Childcare should be much more communal.

In4mation · 09/10/2021 08:58

Just because you love your new life, doesn’t mean you can’t miss your old life.

Ideally I’d have liked to have kept both. Obviously that’s not possible.

Nillynally · 09/10/2021 09:00

My husband feels the same. No offence to our toddler, she's amazing but he did enjoy his life more before her. He could spend his money on what he wanted, drive fast cars, go out and do all his hobbies, lie in, go to work dos, go on nice holidays. I feel my life is more enriched by having her, it's different but I prefer it. I don't blame him, at least he's honest. I think it's a common thing to think. He IS right though, if you're not sure than dont- too many children in this world resented, unwanted and unloved.

DaphneduM · 09/10/2021 09:00

I think your husband gave you a very reasonable, thoughtful and honest account of his feelings of parenthood. It's challenging and no matter how much you love your children, it can be very draining. But the joys, when they come, are wonderful. I've been watching my darling daughter and son-in-law face all the challenges of having a toddler through the pandemic. No toddler clubs for him and life is only just getting back to normal. Also they have the worry of feeling there is no medical help easily available. This is all for another thread, but the delays in accessing GP services with long delays have been very worrying for them.

I love being a Granny - hands-on - looking after our grandson and it's the culmination of everything I could have ever wanted. But being a parent was very hard and stressful at times, but always there was that background of love for her. I have friends who are similar age to me who don't have children and are now widowed. They have everything they could ever want materially and can go on amazing holidays and have the absolute best of everything, big houses, etc. etc. but I wonder how it must feel to be essentially alone and have no emotional investment in the future, which our children and grandchildren give us I can remember thinking when my daughter was little, please let me just have half an hour to read a book.

It's tough and so honest of him to admit it. You're fortunate to have an emotionally intelligent husband.

JustJustWhy · 09/10/2021 09:04

I think it's excellent advice.

I tend to shy away from giving advice about potentially life-changing decisions, but not this one. I have a dear friend who is on the fence but certainly not desperate to have children. I've advised her that if you're looking to make a choice, you should only have children if you really, really want them. You're not having a baby, you're making a person. There will be challenges ahead, potentially heart-breaking ones and it's the love you have for that person that keeps you going.

I wouldn't change my child for the world but if I hadn't chosen to have them and if I hadn't therefore loved them from day 1 then I wouldn't have been able to face the recent and very long-term challenges we have just faced and I would also have failed them as a parent.

Livelovebehappy · 09/10/2021 09:06

Think these days it is easier to make the decision not to have children, as there’s not the pressure there used to be. Going back just 30 years ago, it was just an expectation that once married, children would follow, and people who chose not to have children were looked on as odd. I suspect lots of parents with adult children now felt that back in the day they knew they didn’t want children but had them to keep other people happy. These days I work alongside women who have decided they don’t want want children, and society doesn’t look at them differently for making that choice. So YABU, your DH is just voicing out loud what some will think.

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