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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

170 replies

SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:23

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2021 21:31

I would separate my finances and myself from a selfish unpleasant man.

  1. There is no point moving in with someone when you have kids if they aren’t willing to see you as a family unit - it just won’t work.
  1. Arguing about money for food is frankly the most petty of things.

How can you be happy living like that?

emptyempire · 08/10/2021 21:34

I wouldn't live with such a skinflint. Show him the door!

User57327259 · 08/10/2021 21:37

If he is not willing to share everything with you I don't know why you are with him. He likely knew you had two teenagers who live with you full time just as you likely knew that he had one child half the time. He should have realised that he would be one of the two adults in the house and he should be sharing the costs of that household equally with you and not counting how many beans each of the children got when they all had beans on toast.
What is the story about your home? Who owns or rents it? Is it a home you got after getting together or did one of you have that home before meeting up?
I would be checking out how I would stand in a separation over this money attitude

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 08/10/2021 21:38

I think you need to sit down and have a Frank discussion about whether this can go on. I’m grew up in a house like your DH. As a child it was totally wearing to listen to the constant bickering between my parents about who paid more to what bill.

With DH everything is joint account, even though I had far more savings when we got married and earn substantially more than him now. Life is too bloody short to argue about money when it’s all family money anyway.

HeckyPeck · 08/10/2021 21:39

Him buying food just for him and his and you for you and your kids sounds like it would be a right faff.

Will you have 2 separate bottles of milk with your initials on? Do you not ever eat the same meals together? Will he have a spreadsheet tracking that you used 2 of "his" eggs to make a cake you all ate? Or would you each be making separate cakes at the same time?

I guess if nothing else you'd probably save money on food if he spends loads on it and treats.

He sounds quite selfish though to not even want to buy you a chocolate bar!

Original poster
SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:46

So he does buy me chocolate and lots of treats (as he buys himself a lot) but then resents doing it.

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough, and he doesn't like saying they can't have something if they see something. He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.. He wasn't starved or neglected as a child. I really don't get where it comes from and why he can't share better.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2021 21:48

@SnowWhitesSM

So he does buy me chocolate and lots of treats (as he buys himself a lot) but then resents doing it.

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough, and he doesn't like saying they can't have something if they see something. He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.. He wasn't starved or neglected as a child. I really don't get where it comes from and why he can't share better.

How the fuck can you live like that? Purposely keeping treats from your children?

If I were your child I’d be feeling pretty shit.

Sarah2384 · 08/10/2021 21:49

Blimey I couldn't live like that!
All the same pot here, it's been that way ever since we bought a house together. Everything is "ours". What would I be saving it for if it was "mine"?

GermioneHranger · 08/10/2021 21:50

To be fair it doesn't matter how any one else manages their money - you need to do what is right for you as a couple! You've both been brought up with different ways, so it makes sense that you might not be fully aligned on this. I would suggest with hindsight, it may have been better to figure this out a while ago!

I can see his point of view - in his mind, if everything is joint money and he happens to pick himself up a treat (aforementioned chocolate bar) he thinks you'll be annoyed he didn't use the joint money to pick you up one too. It seems he thinks that if it's his own money he's used to buy the treat then it absolves him of the worry of remembering to get you one / offending you by not getting you one.

I can also see your point of view, that putting extra into the banks and keeping £500 back might be easier!

Realistically, have you suggested contributing in percentages? You've mentioned your DC don't eat much (however I'm sure two teenagers e at more than an 8 year old!) but you've got two DC to his one - perhaps it should be split so you contribute a bit more to cover this extra food? Perhaps your DH sees them eating lots more than him or his DC? Has there been occasions in the past where they've eaten food he's bought himself and not left him any?

To be honest it all sounds a bit complex! I'd think about talking through the way he'd like to do it and the way you'd like to do it - then perhaps put each idea into trial for a month or two and see which works best?

PearLime · 08/10/2021 21:51

Are you really arguing about money/ chocolate/ treats or is there something else going on?

Original poster
SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:52

I buy my dc food they like! Please don't think I don't. It just now goes in their cupboard rather than dhs cupboard.

OP posts:
Motherdare · 08/10/2021 21:52

How and why did you ever marry this pathetic man?

sjxoxo · 08/10/2021 21:56

@SnowWhitesSM

So he does buy me chocolate and lots of treats (as he buys himself a lot) but then resents doing it.

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough, and he doesn't like saying they can't have something if they see something. He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.. He wasn't starved or neglected as a child. I really don't get where it comes from and why he can't share better.

This to me is crazy!! Unless you are living in a student flat I don’t think anyone having a personal food supply in a family is acceptable. I find this really bizarre; firstly from the perspective of your kids; they must feel he is less ‘in’ their family than you and that he’s not really there for them. I think there’s something really cruel about an adult of the same household withholding food from certain children and not others. Was this sort of ‘divide’ between his kids & yours agreed on by both of you before you lived together? Secondly makes me wonder if he has food issues?? I know you ask more about money managing advice but to me this is nothing to do with money- he’s saying that but actually it’s about how he feels about supporting your children compared to his; or food issues he has. xo
HeckyPeck · 08/10/2021 21:56

@SnowWhitesSM

So he does buy me chocolate and lots of treats (as he buys himself a lot) but then resents doing it.

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough, and he doesn't like saying they can't have something if they see something. He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.. He wasn't starved or neglected as a child. I really don't get where it comes from and why he can't share better.

Saying he doesn't want your DC eating his food might be fair enough if he had a couple of favourite treats he just wanted for himself, not a whole cupboard full that he'd rather rotted than allowed your DC to eat.

I'm speaking as a step mum with no children of my own. While I have some treats just for me (vegan chocolate that I have in my bedside drawer because it's expensive and I want for me 😁) I wouldn't have a cupboard full and certainly don't begrudge my step daughter food or treats.

It sounds fucking weird to me.

Pipplekins · 08/10/2021 21:57

What a prick!
Putting food in another cupboard so your DC’s can’t have it!
Come on OP you know that’s disgusting behaviour, you also know that that you should tell him to grow the fuck up.

Weenurse · 08/10/2021 21:57

You may be better off financially to pay for food separately.
Just remember to buy yourself treats when you get the DC’s.

Morgan12 · 08/10/2021 21:59

Awk fuck that for a bag off skittles.

Couldn't live like this. I'd be telling him to do one.

Original poster
SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:59

Dss has his own lunch food in his box in the shared dc cupboard and my dc don't eat his food. Dh meticulously divides ice lollys between dc so if there's 6 he makes sure all dc know they have two each in the freezer to eat when they want.

And he isn't saying he will feel resentful if he buys a chocolate bar out of shared money. He is saying he already feels resentful that he can't just buy himself a chocolate bar on the way home from work and come home and sit next to me and eat it without buying me one.

I already spend more on food than him because I have teens. I do more main big shops where I buy the washing powder, the dishwasher tablets, loo roll ect. Dh goes to the local sainsburys more to pick up milk and bread type of shops.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 08/10/2021 22:02

This is bonkers, OP. He married you knowing you had 2 kids, yet seems to think he's living in some sort of flatshare where you have to lock away your cornflakes.

If he's planning on buying his and his sons food, he's going to cook it all is he? Because how are you going to eat together?

Presumably this means he's going to buy his own washing powder and do his own washing, as well? Wouldn't want to pay for your children.

Didiusfalco · 08/10/2021 22:03

he says it’s because he doesn’t want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough
No, no it isn’t. It’s horrible, and defeats the object of you being married and any kind of family unit.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 08/10/2021 22:03

Your updates are utterly depressing OP. I honestly couldn’t live like that.

Original poster
SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 22:03

No this divide was not agreed to before we got married! I assumed we were getting married to be a proper team, not to have our own cupboards.

OP posts:
Pinkprawns · 08/10/2021 22:03

This is quite odd all round, but I'm going to get on board and say it makes sense for you to do joint groceries which include 'snacks' for the household, but in regards to treats, isn't the clue in the name? They are treats, and not really to be included in the joint pot. Sometimes you buy yourself a treat, sometimes you buy them for others.

But I actually can't understand your DHs obsession /possessiveness with 'treats' quite weird for an adult.

PatriciaHolm · 08/10/2021 22:03

Make him buy his own loo roll.

HeckyPeck · 08/10/2021 22:06

The more you post, the pettier he sounds.

I genuinely can't imagine feeling resentful because I bought 2 chocolate bars instead of 1.

It's remarkably selfish to want to just sit next to someone stuffing your own face with chocolate without having to make the extra effort (which is actually 0) to lift one extra chocolate bar into the shopping basket.

I can't believe he wouldn't be selfish in other ways if this he is resentful at having to think about his spouse.