To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

@SunshineCake1

Hell never see your children as his. When I was fostered the parents would buy their kids and ice cream, never me. I just stood there trying not to cry. Lots of other examples like that. They never classed me as a family member.

Sunshine this made me want to cry. These people would have been paid well to look after you yet they singled you out and didn’t treat you the same as their own children. The money they spent on their children was prob the foster payment for you. Rotten mean bastards. I hope when you got old enough you reported their behaviour and they are not still abusing children in their charge. Absolute fuckers xxx

@SnowWhitesSM

This is a tough situation, it saddens me that he doesn't see your children as his and all of you including his child is just one big family unit. He sounds incredibly selfish and quite childish.

I would give anything to be able to get it all and then have £500 a month each spare. Me and DH do this but have £100 each spare.

I think you need seriously decide whether there are some more deep rooted issues in your marriage and whether this masking it. Organisations like Relate might be able to help?

In all honesty I don't think I could remain married to someone like that he really does sound awful.

He is saying he already feels resentful that he can't just buy himself a chocolate bar on the way home from work and come home and sit next to me and eatit without buying me one.

There"s something about this which suggests a much bigger picture, that he's not happy in the marriage or he is just an entirely selfish man.

My best advice is to find a good couples or family therapist...make sure they have experience working with blended families and have systemic training....

@junebirthdaygirl, I think in your case you say your Dp knows you don't want a treat so makes sense.

Op, this isn't about food, he is resentful and or selfish. He is telling you that he doesn't want to have to have to consider your dc needs. He wants to treat them as separate, as that's how he feels and food is a way to highlight that message.

We normally use food and sharing of food to bring people together- he is doing the opposite.

I think we all relate to having one or 2 treats that is for individuals in the house but that's not going on here.

How long have you been married? I imagine it can't be too long if his son is 8. I suspect he had these selfish traits with his ex as well.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I find his selfishness around food and money so ugly. I couldn’t be friends with him let alone married.

@SunshineCake1 that’s just awful. Your foster carers were awful.

But me and my DC don't eat a hefty amount of the food - which I buy more of. Dh binge eats although is fairly slim. My dc had 2 pitta breads (45p) a pot of homous (£1.50) cucumber and tomatoes (£1) and went to youth club where they probably bought themselves sweets from the tuckshop with their pocket money. That's a typical evening for them as they both have their main meal in school.

Dh buys a chocolate bar, a chocolate marshmallow bar, fruit, ice cream and cake or biscuits for his evening snacks. I don't even want to eat half of that as I'd be huge.

I'm not trying to make my DH (yes we're definitely married) spend more on my dc. I've tried to write this from both our points of view and not to garner sympathy. I was going to show dh this thread but I can't now as he will jump on to that.

I also think - and I might be wrong so tell me if I am - that when you're married the money you earn whilst married is both of yours legally? I don't want him to spend all of what he earns on me and my dc. I just think arguing over chocolate bars and who paid for what is ridiculous. I don't want my dc to eat all of the food he buys for himself, I'd hate to buy something and it wasn't there to eat when I wanted it, I just think he takes it to an extreme.

Tell you what I would do certainly for a month

I would buy stuff just for you and your teens. Put it all in your cupboard. That also includes washing powder and anything else

Dh would then be left to purchase his own, and cook his and DSS meals, and do respective washing, not using your washing powder. You may end up having to do all cleaning, but I simply wouldn’t do anything else. And if there is anything else you can hive off then I would do that

If at the end of the month he hasn’t changed his mind, then that would continue

@Fireflygal has got it spot on.
He is a selfish twat.

If your DC and you don’t eat more of the food (& I do still refuse to believe that 2 teens don’t cost more than a couple of pittas and hummus a night) then what’s the issue, really? If they never touch ‘his’ food, why is it an issue to him?

Tell him to get ALL the food shopping & groceries for a month, and you’ll reimburse him at the end of the month 50%.

If he doesn’t feed you and the DC - all the DC - equally at that point, treats and all, then there’s a problem.

But I don’t really understand what you want. You want him to buy you treats sometimes but not always - because you don’t want to binge on junk like him.

@SnowWhitesSM

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

I've never had a separate pot of money for food or bills but my grandparents did. I don't think I would be happy with his attitude at all.

It seems as if he has a particular issue with food because he doesn't think you are both contributing equally in terms of what you use. Would it be worth keeping all receipts for a few weeks to see what you are both actually spending or agreeing to do it his way for 2 weeks or 1 month, cooking separately and keeping all receipts for everything. At the end you can see what the actual split is financially and if you are right he will see he is being ridiculous. Having to manage his way will be a real pain for him as well so he will hopefully realise he's better off with the status quo and stop whinging.

I don't want to do that @Chloemol we tried that a couple of months ago and dss got very upset at the separateness. He saw my dc with their treats and wanted them.

@SunshineCake1 hope you're ok now. Foster care is very hard.

We've also tried counselling. We had two sessions but I needed a new car and the loft needs to be finished for ds and dss to have their own rooms. I felt the car and counselling was the priority but dh felt the loft was. I have told dh that by the time the loft is finished we'll be lucky if we're still together as I felt we needed the counselling more. I want to go back to counselling and I'm happy to go 50/50 on the cost but dh isn't.

I'm not trying to make my DH (yes we're definitely married) spend more on my dc. I've tried to write this from both our points of view and not to garner sympathy. I was going to show dh this thread but I can't now as he will jump on to that.

If you’ve tried to write from both POV and not elicit sympathy why can’t you show him the thread?

The counselling is a big drip feed, OP! It’s not just about groceries, then?

I’m struggling to get my head around this set up. It is beyond weird. Separate cupboards is insane for anyone other than housemates. What’s next? Will you have to go and buy another fridge/freezer? DH and I only have a joint savings account because we never got around to setting up joint current accounts. I pay some bills, he pays others. We both buy shopping, pay for meals out etc, and neither of us keep track because we’re married; it’s our money. If he’s skint one month, he has full access to everything I have, and vice versa. We know the pins for each other’s cards and both make sure that the other is ok for spending money.

In your circumstances, I would consider my marriage to be in serious trouble. I’d like to think that I’d be sensible, try and work on the marriage and push for counselling from someone who specialises in blended families, but I’m petty, so would probably agree to separate shopping for a trial month, then refuse to give him access to anything he hadn’t paid for, (soap, washing up liquid, soap powder etc) just to show him how ridiculous he’s being. I also think that this would start to kill my feelings for him.

He is saying he already feels resentful that he can't just buy himself a chocolate bar on the way home from work and come home and sit next to me and eat it without buying me one That is so incredibly selfish. It’s not like you’ll only eat ethically sourced cocoa beans from the mountains of Peru. He’s standing right next to the Mars Bars. How much effort would it take to pick up two instead of one? It’s such a tiny, inconsequential thing to do to make you happy and he’s telling you it’s too much trouble for him and he doesn’t want to do it.

I'm not drip feeding I'm answering a couple of posters who said about counselling. I don't want the post to be about everything else wrong in our relationship I just want to know peoples opinions on how to share money in our situation.

@SnowWhitesSM

I don't want to do that *@Chloemol* we tried that a couple of months ago and dss got very upset at the separateness. He saw my dc with their treats and wanted them.

@SunshineCake1 hope you're ok now. Foster care is very hard.

We've also tried counselling. We had two sessions but I needed a new car and the loft needs to be finished for ds and dss to have their own rooms. I felt the car and counselling was the priority but dh felt the loft was. I have told dh that by the time the loft is finished we'll be lucky if we're still together as I felt we needed the counselling more. I want to go back to counselling and I'm happy to go 50/50 on the cost but dh isn't.

The arguing over chocolate bars is a symptom. It sounds like you’ve got some serious differences and money is exacerbating it.

It all sounds so energy sapping (dividing up ice lollies ffs) and I wonder if he has issues from childhood which make him effectively hoard food.

Who has the time to mentally keep tabs on treats and who buys what for whom. Just one family shop would make sense and I wonder if there are other things which demonstrate that you both are not really a blended family.

It sounds like you’re flatmates. You can’t even agree to split the cost for the counselling?

If I were you, I’d have counselling alone. And work through why you think you want to stay married.

I took ages to post and missed the update. I think your marriage is fucked. How did he respond when you told him you didn’t think the marriage would last without counselling?

Does he do 50% of all cleaning?
Does he wash his and DSS clothes, iron and out away?

If he is so against sharing money and food, then literally he cannot have it both ways!

I would for a month separate everything - he has to buy his own washing up liquid, and wash up, washing powder and do laundry, toilet rolls, cleaning products etc. Don’t buy any food he eats and certainly don’t cook it. If he wasn’t a hit meal, he cooks it, washes up.

As that is how he is treating you!

@Sn0tnose he said then at least my loft will be done. He says his main source of stress is that dss doesn't have his own room and his resentment will decrease when dss have what my dc have. I did point out the my ds doesn't have his own when dss is here either so it's not him having what my dc have but that didn't click for dh. He thinks all of our problems will be solved by ds and dss having their own rooms. I also want them to have their own rooms but our issues are more multi faceted than the boys sharing 50%.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]@Sn0tnose he said then at least my loft will be done. He says his main source of stress is that dss doesn't have his own room and his resentment will decrease when dss have what my dc have. I did point out the my ds doesn't have his own when dss is here either so it's not him having what my dc have but that didn't click for dh. He thinks all of our problems will be solved by ds and dss having their own rooms. I also want them to have their own rooms but our issues are more multi faceted than the boys sharing 50%.[/quote]
Did he massive sibling rivalry as a child 😬

What are his good qualities? It sounds exhausting.

I had this,
My now ex partner lived with me and my 8yo son.

He felt that he was paying too much for food, we split it 50/50.

Because my son eats here half the week, wouldn't hear of it that he eats twice as much as me and if anything he likely ate 70% of our food shop each week.

I always do the shopping, so I stopped buying treats, his weakness was the big family bags of crisps, he could eats 3/4/5 bags a week. I'm not a crisps person but occasionally would like some, guaranteed they would all be gone, along with ice creams, biscuits chocolate etc within 3 days. I don't really snack but every now and then I fancy something and it would all be gone.

So I stopped buying any.

I literally just bought household things like washing powder, milk, eggs, dinner stuff. No extras. And bought those separately and told him to get his own.

You can see why he's now an ex

If you can't agree, maybe do a shared core shop, then buy your own extras, I know it shouldn't need to be like this but if he's feeling that resentful let him buy his own snacks. The resentment is coming from somewhere, is money really tight?

Does he often go to the cupboard and find all his favourite things have been eaten, this really annoyed me.

It sounds deep down that really he does not want stepchildren. I’m one of six and my Mother was married four times bringing more dc to each marriage. The differences in treatment that was apparent meant I always refused to date anyone with dc already.

I think this is the issue.

Have you made a Will? This would be a real litmus test. In the event of your deaths how would he want the worldly goods split but also how do you?