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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

170 replies

SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:23

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 09/10/2021 07:36

How the fuck can you live like that? Purposely keeping treats from your children?

If I were your child I’d be feeling pretty shit.

We do this, I don't think OP explained it well initially. For example, we all have chocolate treats. Ours are expensive boxed chocolates and in a separate cupboard from the bottomless pit that is teen DS. Teen DS has his own shelf with KitKats (his favourite) and white Buenos. We don't snaffle his. He doesn't snaffle ours. It's not awful and terrible. We leave his treats alone, and he doesn't get to eat everything he decrees.

However, I think there's a difference between us saying "keep off the those chocs" and only wanting to buy food for yourself full stop. A household can't live like that. The fridge is shared. The cereals. The bread. Will you buy two identical loaves that sit next to each other, "his and hers"

hashbrownsandwich · 09/10/2021 07:37

It's a no from me.

RosaBaby2 · 09/10/2021 07:37

Sack him off. What the hell is wrong with him?!

Regarding food here my teenage DS has his own biscuit tin with treats in, DP has a box too but that anyone can help themselves to, teen DS included!! He's not his dad (we have DS3), but our finances are shared.

Absolute cockwomble.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2021 07:38

@LolaSmiles

It sounds like you're both being a bit petty.

You're petty for seemingly having an issue with him buying himself a bar of chocolate and not getting you a treat too. He's petty for wanting to guard his stash of treat food from your kids.

Blended families can be difficult, and there's no way your teens living with you full time eat the same amount and cost the same as his 8 year old who lives with you 50% of the time. Why don't you split your contributions to the household expenses based on amount if time in the house, then anything after is your separate pot? If either of you wants a bar of chocolate then just have a snack and the other doesn't moan about it.

I agree with this. And TBH if my DH was spending so much on food just for himself, I wouldn’t want that coming out of ‘family money’ I’d want it coming out if his spare money, personal cash.

But buying totally separate groceries is ridiculous.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 07:41

I guess the issue here is for half the time there is three of you and one of him, so he doesn’t wish to financially pay for your children and believes you and their father should do this. Arguably by paying half the bills he is subsidising them

You say he eats a lot and more than the three of you combined as such rhen his proposal would be a win for you financially, no?

The way you’re living wouldn’t be for me and I think you both need to try to find another way, I assume the main issue is money is tight. Neither of you are big earners, and habe three kids between you, so you need to find an equitable way forward

Does the teenagers father pay towards them?

zoemum2006 · 09/10/2021 07:45

He’s your husband???? I read this and I thought he was just your newish boyfriend!

Good grief! You need a Joint account with a commitment from both of you to be considerate of the other person (so no purchases over £100 without discussion etc.)

I can’t believe he’d eat a chocolate bar in front of you without getting you one. He needs to eat it before he gets home if he doesn’t want to buy a multipack. How strange.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2021 07:45

Can’t you have a ‘household food’ budget (put money in a separate bank account or have a credit card you pay off monthly just for this purpose) and buy the main shopping from that, and agreed ‘household treats’.

Then anything additional- if he wants to fill his treat cupboard with half-eaten biscuits- he can buy with his own cash. And you stop moaning about chocolate bars and him not buying you any - buy your own.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/10/2021 07:48

There must be some deep rooted reason for this behaviour!
In all honesty I would actually do 3 months of completely seperate shopping. Play him at his own game. You shop and cook for you and yours. Get your own loo paper, kitchen roll, milk etc. Put the money you save away into the divorce fund.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2021 07:52

In all honesty I would actually do 3 months of completely seperate shopping. Play him at his own game. You shop and cook for you and yours. Get your own loo paper, kitchen roll, milk etc. Put the money you save away into the divorce fund.

Or tell him he’s now in charge of ALL food shopping for everyone and you’ll pay him 50% at the end of the month. Then he’s got no need to feel resentful over chocolate bars because he can buy enough for everyone and you’ll reimburse him.

MoiraRose4 · 09/10/2021 07:53

What a horrible, selfish man. You can bet your poor children are picking up on his attitude around this and it will be really damaging to them. My friend grew up in a house where the food was labelled by her step-dad and she wasn’t allowed it, to the point she had her own microwave in her bedroom and had to prepare all of her own food. It had an impact on her. Don’t be that mother who allows this to go on.

dottiedodah · 09/10/2021 07:55

This seems strange to me.how are your other bills split. A man keeping treats in his own cupboard and not wanting the family to share is tight to say the least. I would ask him straight out why if I were you. If you blend a family then that means all cash is shared

freshcarnation · 09/10/2021 07:58

Does he have issues around junk food and his weight?

WhyDoesItAlways · 09/10/2021 08:05

Sounds like you're living in a house share, not a marriage. He's basically a toddler who doesn't know how to share.

What's the deal with child maintenance. If he has his child half the time and you have yours full time does he need to pay maintenance to an ex? Does he pay that out of his own money or the joint bills?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 08:13

I think the issue here is this is written deliberately to get support for the op, but it’s contradictory.

If the op and her two kids ate less as she is proclaiming than him and his eight year old, by refusing to go in fifty fifty with her for food she would be better off, and he’d have no need to hide his snacks basically.

What the op is asking is he pays half her kids food and he’s saying no. When a woman posts her partner expects her to support his kids financially she’s told to ltb, that he and their mother should pay for them.

But if the op had written me and my two teenagers have a hefty food bill, and cost much more than my husband and his son, and I want him to pay half the costs, and half the costs of living together as me and their dad don’t wish to foot the whole bill then the responses wpupd be very different.

DressBitch · 09/10/2021 08:13

Bloody hell. This is such a weird setup. I'm actually struggling to get my head around his mindset.

SRS29 · 09/10/2021 08:19

Jeez OP I've read some weird stuff on here over the years but this is pretty much top ten.....talk about leading by example to give your kids food hang ups.....very sad

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2021 08:20

What the op is asking is he pays half her kids food and he’s saying no. When a woman posts her partner expects her to support his kids financially she’s told to ltb, that he and their mother should pay for them.

I do agree that there’s a weird thing in the setup where OP doesn’t really acknowledge that one adult & two teens surely must cost more in food than one adult and 50% of an 8-year-old.

SunshineCake1 · 09/10/2021 08:26

Hell never see your children as his. When I was fostered the parents would buy their kids and ice cream, never me. I just stood there trying not to cry. Lots of other examples like that. They never classed me as a family member.

Charles11 · 09/10/2021 08:26

He sounds greedy and his attitude to your dcs is disgusting.
It’s fine to have a few treats to yourself but a whole cupboard full of things that the dc are banned from and that he’d rather bin then let them have them, is just awful.
It’s a reflection on how he sees your dc.

AnotherEmma · 09/10/2021 08:29

@Motherdare

How and why did you ever marry this pathetic man?
This.
silkience · 09/10/2021 08:30

@SunshineCake1 that is awful, I'm so sorry

Orla1970 · 09/10/2021 08:32

So he would rather horde food in his own cupboard and let it go off than share it with his step sons? He sounds like a right wanker. I feel sorry for your boys. He doesn’t want to buy treats for them. Clearly resents them. They must feel this. Your husband thinks he is in a student flat share. My husband wolves down whole packets of biscuits and I go to have one and just find the crumbs Grin so I have said to him. Do not eat all of the biscuits/chocolate if you want to remain alive Grin.

He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure of buying treats for you, your sons. Things he knows you like. If either my husband or I are shopping we routinely pick up other stuff.

I know others are saying you should pay more as you have 2 kids and they’re there full time but I’d feel uncomfortable about that too. He knew you came as 3. Surely you just split the costs equally as it’s a partnership x

billyt · 09/10/2021 08:34

The OPs comment that her OP begrudges buying her a bar of chocolate when he has one and he resents this.[ANGRY]

He's a selfish fucker, isn't he?

We've always had a joint bank account. I earn more but I'm glad that this increases our household income. I don't see buying treats etc is based on our individual incomes. If I ever got to the stage of resenting buying anyone a bar of chocolate in my family I'd think I'd seriously lost the plot.

One of my BILs has the same attitude though. He'll have a packet of biscuits in the shopping every week (they buy the same items religiously weekly) and they are his. SIL mustn't touch them, they're his. He's a selfish cunt as well. He's also the sort to stela sweets off of kids when he's visiting somewhere. We had to stop leaving anything edible out.

I hate selfish bastards.

Lessthanaballpark · 09/10/2021 08:35

Why did you move this man in with your children?

I’m guessing she didn’t know this about him before?

JuneOsborne · 09/10/2021 08:39

But is it really about money, or about his selfishness?

He is resentful that he can't stop at a shop, on the way home and buy just one chocolate bar, get in and eat it in front of you? That's so bizarre. What effort does it take to pick up a second chocolate bar? Why doesn't he want to buy you one? What is with this? Why does he want to eat it on his own? And why, when there's a cupboard already full of treats.

But, he's happy for you to buy the loo roll? I'd tell him I was resentful of him every time he goes for a shit. That I want to just buy loo roll for me and my kids. That you just want to buy enough loo roll and he is spoiling that.

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