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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

170 replies

SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:23

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

OP posts:
chillied · 08/10/2021 22:07

He wants you not to complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for you.

This is the point where it's weird, and feels a bad sign for your marriage.

I go shopping and take pleasure in buying the things that different members of my family particularly like. Who wouldn't? If I am buying a treat I would - say - make sure there were 4 of them so each member of my family can have one. Who wouldn't?

I can't imagine my DH would feel happy if I bought some food and told him he couldn't have it. It's not loving and it's not a partnership.

He's stingy (not attractive) and there does seem some psychological quirk going on around food. But no reason to accept that quirk as it's so hurtful.

VimFuego101 · 08/10/2021 22:09

This sounds utterly miserable. I grew up in a house which rationed/ portioned out food like this, it led to us binging and developing unhealthy eating habits. What does he actually bring to the table in your relationship? (Or is he too busy portioning up food to do anything else?)

cochineal7 · 08/10/2021 22:09

So he happily splits all household bills 50-50 while you have 2DC fulltime and he only 1 half-time, but you both argue over a few chocolate bars and some food? At first I thought he was being unreasonable, but your sentence “ I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise)” makes it sound you are also counting. Not sure who is being unreasonable actually. I would in your situation add joint money for food to the household pot, but would perhaps change the 50-50 division.

Original poster
SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 22:12

Basically I would just like to live like a normal family and have normal cupboards and we buy whatever runs out when we next go shopping.

I'm not saying we can't all have our own little treats that aren't for sharing but the majority of the food is for everyone.

OP posts:
SweeneyToddler · 08/10/2021 22:13

This is such a dysfunctional set-up. It sounds like five flatmates, each with their own cupboards and boxes.

That’s not a family.

he doesn't want my dc eating his food

I don’t know which is worse- him for treating your children like this, or you for allowing it. Poor kids must feel like unwanted visitors in their own home.

PearLime · 08/10/2021 22:13

I'd do this:

Get your wages/ any benefits paid into one joint current account. Out of that account you pay the basic bills, including all food consumed in the house (ie not eating out).

Then you pay a chunk from the joint current account into a joint savings account / Isa/ investment.

Then you each get an amount of discretionary spending for your own clothes, going out, beauty, hobbies, sports or whatever you like.

You're married so it is irrelevant who has what in their account because it's all your joint money!

Your husband sounds like he is picking a fight.

rainyskylight · 08/10/2021 22:14

Sounds like a really weird flat share not a family.

Ragwort · 08/10/2021 22:17

How can you respect a man who won't even buy you a chocolate bar? He sounds utterly bonkers.

finished31 · 08/10/2021 22:18

I think he resents you DC's. He sounds like a tool tbh.

If you decide to split the shopping bill will that include everything in the house? From washing to childcare and so on?

Bagelsandbrie · 08/10/2021 22:21

Feel sorry for the dc to be honest, it’s no fun to live like this.

Couldn’t stay with him. He sounds awful.

mumofone2019 · 08/10/2021 22:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/10/2021 22:22

I would never have a joint account with anyone. It is your money. Split the bills and buy your own food if that’s what he wants. Let him cook it too.

CatJumperTwat · 08/10/2021 22:25

Why did you move this man in with your children?

Fruitbatdancer · 08/10/2021 22:27

Wow. He is not a partner he is flat mate. LTB. Confused

Cocomarine · 08/10/2021 22:30

I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

Where has that come from? Has he bought himself a chocolate bar and you’ve complained that he hasn’t bought you one? It sounds like it.

My husband and I shop separately - we use an online shopping list, so whoever is going in for something will check the list and get anything the other has added. Whoever it’s for! It probably works out fairly even - we don’t have joint finances. I wouldn’t buy him a chocolate bar when I was getting myself one. We like different “treats” but I also wouldn’t automatically get him an alternative. I do frequently pick things up for him that he hasn’t asked for. And if I was tucking into my chocolate in front of him I’d definitely offer him some. But I wouldn’t routinely think - I’ve chosen something for me, so I must get something for him. I would find it odd if he expected that - we just get what we want, when we want it. That’s never about money though. I think I’d be annoyed if whenever I got something he chipped in about how I should have got him one too.

The whole thing is weird as fuck and having your own cupboard is very odd - unless the teens had a habit of taking all the stuff, which it seems they don’t.

But just on that point about chocolate bars - I would also want to be able to just get one without feeling I had to get one for my husband, who would make a point about if I hadn’t. I’d just think - buy what you want.

Rossetti47 · 08/10/2021 22:31

Your set-up is so dysfunctional. I can’t imagine what compelled you to marry him. I feel very sad for you and your kids.

toocold54 · 08/10/2021 22:31

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough,

He doesn’t buy your DC treats?!

Why not each have your own account and a joint account where you both put 50% of your salaries in - then use the joint account for joint bills like rent, water and food and do an online shop together so you can both get the treats you want with the joint account.

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 22:37

I think what I would hate the most about this relationship is the way he thinks about these things and then acts in an utterly selfish way. Obviously if he went into a shop and bought himself a bar of chocolate that would be fine. If he planned to eat it at home then surely he should buy enough for everyone. His resentment that he can't eat a bar of chocolate in front of you it's really horrible.

Who owns the house?

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/10/2021 22:45

Sounds like an argument you would have in student accommodation not with your husband

Peoniesandpeaches · 08/10/2021 22:49

What an arsehole. He clearly doesn’t want your kids having more than his does he? It’s pathetic to be so resentful of children you chose to live with. I honestly don’t this these are petty issues they are indicative of how he views your family - you aren’t a team and your kids come way down the pecking order. His child presumably gets treats when at their mums that they don’t have to share with their stepbrother but if your husband gets a treat it needs to be shared equally.

TuftyMarmoset · 08/10/2021 22:52

Yanbu OP. When you married him you formed a family unit. Your money (and food!) should be shared. I'm picturing him as a dragon sitting atop a hoard of biscuits and breathing fire if you or your DC get too close! Really bizarre attitude for someone who supposedly loves and respects you.

RugCarpet22 · 08/10/2021 22:56

No, doesn't sound great.. If he's a very pragmatic person, you could try maths to solve this:
So, your household is 4 people 100% of the time, 1 person 50% of the time.

3 our of 4 belong to 'your' family, 1,5 to 'his' family. Your family is 4,5 persons. That makes your family about 66% and his family about 34%. Assuming you all eat equal portions of course.
There's your formula for shopping budget..

But you spend more aleady and to be honest, he sounds quite petty 🙄

Kisskiss · 08/10/2021 23:34

Is he paying a lot of child maintenance and therefore has a lot lower disposable income than you each month?

DarkDarkNight · 08/10/2021 23:40

God I couldn’t live with him. He sounds resentful, like he’s thinking he has one child half the time yet he’s paying towards food for 2 kids who are there all the time.

You’ve offered 2 workable solutions that he’s not happy with, but his solution is petty and childish. It’s ridiculous to have a cupboard of food that is his ‘special’ food no one else is allowed.

PickAChew · 08/10/2021 23:44

If your income and responsibilities are equivslent, you need to put the same into a joint account or contribute the same by other means with no twisty face.