To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

You both need to thrash this out before the resentment sours your relationship. Counselling may be the way forward.

@ApolloandDaphne

You both need to thrash this out before the resentment sours your relationship. Counselling may be the way forward.

He won't agree to pay 50:50 for counselling!

He's a twat. Who treats kids like that?
I know people do things differently, so it's whatever works for your family. This arrangement is clearly not working for you and needs to change. I agree that all money should be family money within a marriage.

@SnowWhitesSM

Dss has his own lunch food in his box in the shared dc cupboard and my dc don't eat his food. Dh meticulously divides ice lollys between dc so if there's 6 he makes sure all dc know they have two each in the freezer to eat when they want.

And he isn't saying he will feel resentful if he buys a chocolate bar out of shared money. He is saying he already feels resentful that he can't just buy himself a chocolate bar on the way home from work and come home and sit next to me and eat it without buying me one.

I already spend more on food than him because I have teens. I do more main big shops where I buy the washing powder, the dishwasher tablets, loo roll ect. Dh goes to the local sainsburys more to pick up milk and bread type of shops.

he is saying that he already feels resentful that he can’t just buy himself a chocolate bar on the way home from work and come home and sit next to me on the sofa and eat it without buying me one.

This is the absolute crux of the matter and I’m afraid a deeply deeply selfish way of thinking, completely highlighting that your DH has not actually accepted marriage as a true partnership, an emotional partnership, nit just a flat share arrangement.

I have 4 children and am now single and every treat ends up costing a lot. I must admit very occasionally I will look at something in a shop or a cafe and think I’m .I would love to order that but then they will all want one and that’ll be too expensive and so I can’t have it, Very occasionally
I will buy some chocolate and hide it, .I did this recently as
I bought a pack of ripples (my favourite), I didn’t get one and so I bought another packet and I’ve hidden them so that when I want one this time there will be one for me.
What I would never never dream of doing and just couldn’t as this would completely take away all the pleasure of said snack is to go and sit next to one of my children and eat a treat in front of them without offering them one. Who would do that, ever. Who would want to???
Even if I had bought a snack each and they had eaten theirs I wouldn’t feel too comfortable eating a treat next to them but to just buy something for yourself. And if he feels the urgent need for personal indulgence then tell him to stop his car on the way home in a quite place and stuff his face in secret, (I’m sure lots of people have eaten treats in secret) but to want to eat it next to you, guilt free, without buying one for you is just completely unreasonable and I’m afraid if that is the life he wanted then he should have stayed single and he could have done this every night to his hearts content.
Entering into a marriage is a compromise and this is one of them, he needs counselling by himself to see this and understand what he is gaining from the marriage in exchange for the loss of pure selfish indulgence. If he can’t see that then he is both stupid and emotionally retarded.
I can’t help but feel that this issue is also exacerbated by the 2 children to 1/2 issue. But if you go down the route of analysing who uses what of everything where does that lead you, not to happiness that’s for sure.
Good luck I think you are going to need it.

@NoSquirrels

Just let him get on with it with the food, then?

If he eats more and it costs more to feed him, you and your DC never eat his food anyway, why are you fussed if he shops for his own stuff? Why do you need him to buy you a chocolate bar as proof of something?

Drop the rope. Tell him to buy his own food - all of it. Stop including his food in any of your shopping. If you do feed him, bill him. If that’s how he wants it, then what’s the downside, really? Other than the principle.

Because family meals and sharing food is a massive part of family life and how many many people all around the world share love and affection and enjoy socialising and chatting over family gatherings.

What’s the downside of not having any of this in your family life?

Do you really need to ask?

@junebirthdaygirl

But why can't he buy himself a bar of chocolate on the way home and sit beside you and eat it without you making a fuss. Sometimes dh will do that and l don't want him buying me one as he is a skinny rake who can eat anything while l don't want him increasing my treats. In our family the older kids know which chocolate is mine and dh knows the Pringles are theirs. They are all in the same cupboard and that stuff is bought with the grocery shop. But we all know the score and there is no discussion If he lived on his own for a long time he was probably used to popping into a garage on the way home getting some treats for later. I would buy a few treats with the grocery shop bought from joint money and available to all keeping sharing in mind. Then let him buy his own treats and eat them whenever he wants.

But you say you don’t want him to buy you treats as you don’t want to eat them. That is completely different to what the op has described. I like dark chocolate and the children know that I keep a bar of dark salted Lindt chocolate in the cupboard and it is mums chocolate and they are not meant to eat it, definitely not finish it , they’re all boys and eat everything in sight. But that is completely different from the selfish flat sharing behaviour of ops DH.

For me a family is a family and blood doesn't make a difference. Everything in one pot all outgoings and agreed savings taken off then the remainder split 50/50 between each person to do with as they want.

I wouldn't have what he's suggesting. It would be equal or don't bother.

@SnowWhitesSM

So he does buy me chocolate and lots of treats (as he buys himself a lot) but then resents doing it.

He also has his own cupboard full up of poptarts, lunch food for himself, dried fruit, jelly pots and then treats that are for me too but not my dc so I buy the dc seperate nice cupboard food. He says its because he doesn't want my dc eating his food, which is fair enough, and he doesn't like saying they can't have something if they see something. He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.. He wasn't starved or neglected as a child. I really don't get where it comes from and why he can't share better.

Ah here.

[quote silkience]@SunshineCake1 that is awful, I'm so sorry [/quote]
Thank you. I've sent you a PM.

@Orla1970 I have sent you a PM. Thank you.

[quote CornishTiger]@SunshineCake1 that’s just awful. Your foster carers were awful.[/quote]
They were. And that isn't even the worst thing they did. I'll never get over living with them .

@SnowWhitesSM sorry don't want to derail but wanted to thank those posters who have left kind messages for me. I honestly wasn't trying to elicit sympathy but point out how the OPs children might feel.

@timeisnotaline I still struggle at the ice cream van but dh always asks me what I want before he orders the kids. Most times I say no as still feel unworthy but occasionally I try and be strong and will have something.

@SnowWhitesSM given what you have said about your career and future finances he is very stupid to be such a bad husband as you are very generous and there will be plenty to go around. I really hope you sort this and aren't treated badly for another minute.

I couldn’t be intimate with someone who was so petty towards me and my children.

Because family meals and sharing food is a massive part of family life and how many many people all around the world share love and affection and enjoy socialising and chatting over family gatherings.

What’s the downside of not having any of this in your family life?

Do you really need to ask?

But, Autumn, that’s not what’s at issue - or at least OP hasn’t said so. She hasn’t said they never eat together as a family, or socialise and chat over family gatherings. In fact, she hasn’t said anything at all about how they typically structure meals and mealtimes other than that the teens eat a main meal at school and then just snack at home in the week.

I’d agree if the issue was that her DH never wanted to eat together as a family. But this seems much more about treats and snack food than general meals.

It’s a ridiculously faffy way to split costs that her DH is proposing but it’s not inherently wrong and plenty of blended families keep costs and finances separate.

There are several issues at play here - whether her DH is selfish with food/the treat sharing thing is a symptom of other selfish behaviour or issues; whether shared finances in a marriage are the be-all and end-all; why each person feels their way is best and can’t compromise.

But I’m just suggesting that on the basis of costs and who cares most, why NOT let him shop his way and she shops her way? Why not accept his treat cupboard etc. By all means she should stop subsidising his costs by feeding him too and paying all the household supplies but it’s not inherently a terrible idea that he pays food costs for him and his child and she pays for her and her children as long as it doesn’t lead to inequality.

It's very odd to
Have your own food cupboard , does he even like your kids?

His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either

This is the Op's issue! Effectively 2 households who share utility bills. If you each buy food separately then it makes sense eating together doesn't happen as you can't synch different meals.

I wonder why he wanted to marry.. guess house work, sex and sharing utility bills. That isn't a definition of marriage in my book.

This really isn't about food but his resentment that he has to share his life with you and your sons.

When your boys leave home, dss will still be eating there so does he suggest you still have separate food bills then?? That would be an interesting answer...

You sound reasonable and he sounds just awful.

Your poor children.
I think you have made a terrible mistake marrying him.

I think he doesn't want step children and resents them.

He sounds SO selfish.

I would be rethinking this marriage, you boys deserve better.

How awful for you and your children that he has revealed his true self only now.

Meh, I'd just let him crack on but make sure I always have my own chocolate in stock so if he does come home with his own chocolate bar and it makes me want one I always have one available! Sounds like you think it will cost him more in the long run anyway

He 100% eats more than my dc
Could it all come down to him not agreeing to this at all?

I don't understand why he feels guilty if he buys himself a treat and eats it in front of you. Do you tell him off for it? If so why?

It's such a petty thing to argue about!

Eh?

This sounds like a before marriage conversation surely!