To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

[SnowWhitesSM]

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

Okay.

OP, this is NOT about the food really, is it?

You're sounding us out about a profoundly problematic relationship with a man who has some mental health issues. It's just that the food helps you to side-step into it so you don't have to ask it head-on.

But, yes, you have a problem, and I would be reconsidering the relationship. But that's just me.

Money isn't really tight. We're not rich but all our bills get paid and we have a nice life doing things and going places.

He 100% eats more than my dc. My dc don't eat his food, they are not locusts. His favourite foods go off rather than anyone else eating them.

He obviously has good qualities, I just feel we're in a constant draining battle because I want us to be a team and to be considered. On some things we've got a lot better and others it's just not getting there.

I think your comment about legality of money in a marriage needs answering. As far as I’m aware the legal split of assets is only on divorce. The choice to share and to what extent when married is within the couple itself or just one person makes the decision by refusing to share.

Theunb is right other than that during a marriage in England each spouse has a legal duty to support the other to some extent (although the full extent is not clear) but if you divorce then the divorce laws kick in.

In this case I would just buy the food for my children and for me and let the second husband buy his own food and that for his son. In my own house (post divorce but no husband now so I can do what I like as he got a clean break pay out - huge payment from me as I earn more) the twins (students) and I buy our own food (but from my money) and keep it on separate shelves and do not cook or eat together and that works very well.

@SunshineCake1

Hell never see your children as his. When I was fostered the parents would buy their kids and ice cream, never me. I just stood there trying not to cry. Lots of other examples like that. They never classed me as a family member.

That makes me want to cry sunshine I hope you get all the love, cuddles and icecream you ever want now.

Just let him get on with it with the food, then?

If he eats more and it costs more to feed him, you and your DC never eat his food anyway, why are you fussed if he shops for his own stuff? Why do you need him to buy you a chocolate bar as proof of something?

Drop the rope. Tell him to buy his own food - all of it. Stop including his food in any of your shopping. If you do feed him, bill him. If that’s how he wants it, then what’s the downside, really? Other than the principle.

If he was not fed properly as a child it will explain his food hoarding tendencies.

I have had years of therapy including group therapy. There were lots of food issues within the group. People that had not been fed properly as dc tended to either hoard food like your DH or over compensate and be feeders.

@SnowWhitesSM I’m going to be blunt.

To me this is obvious… it has nothing to do with the food. Your DH’s resentment is because he’s feeling jealousy and guilt that you live with your children full time and he doesn’t.

So he’s focussing on the “food” as if it’s the usage because he’s trying desperately to grasp at something physical and tangible that he can point to and say “SEE! UNFAIRNESS!” because he knows he’s feelings of jealousy are unreasonable.

The same with the bedroom situation. “WE NEED THE LOFT ROOMS DOING SO MY DS HAS THE SAME AS YOURS!”

But his DS already has the same as yours as they’re sharing a bedroom.

He is feeling guilty because he’s living with your children presumably close to full time (perhaps full time if their dad isn’t around) and he’s trying to balance his feelings of not being around his son as much.

This is what the real discussion needs to be about.

My DP one year before we lived together said he wouldn’t spend Christmas Eve/ Christmas morning with me and my DCs because his DCs were with their mum that year.

I said “Fine, feel free to spend Christmas on your own but if you'd rather that then this isn’t the relationship for me”.

I want a partnership, not a life where we’re put on hold because his children aren’t here. When my SCs aren’t here they’re off living their own lives, having fun, seeing family and going out with their mum. My children and I refuse to live a “half life” waiting for their return.

Luckily my DP got it and has changed his mindset over the years, but it wasn’t a quick fix. It does sound like your DH could use some counselling and I would push for that as a top priority if your marriage is to stand any chance of survival.

He just seems very selfish and not family minded. If I went to a shop with a £1 coin I would buy a pack of 5 very small chocolate bars for my family, or a share bar for all of us. I would not go in and buy a bar for myself. If I had more money than that I would buy what I wanted, and buy something for the other members of the family too which wouldn't necessarily be the same type or size but would be something they enjoy (like a big bar for each grown up, and 3 smaller ones for the kids). I might go into the shop for my own chocolate craving, but I wouldn't be only thinking about myself. He still thinks like a single person and I'm really not sure what you can do about that

I don't think he accepts your children and feels that his child is treated as second best. I don't think things will improve until he learns to treat them all the same. Perhaps do as he wants. Only buy food for you and your sons and Perhaps a few extra treats for his son (as you are not like him). Let him realise how much he us spending on himself. But...only cook fir yourself and your sons, make him sort himself out. I could not live with someone with his attitude. I would be divorcing him.

Is he a hoarder in any other ways?

It sounds deep down that really he does not want stepchildren

This is ultimately the crux of it. He is trying to live as 2 separate households under 1 roof. Trying to cause a divide of yours and his.

It’s not ok, your kids will begin to feel this and notice this. You need to be crystal clear and tell him this and tell him it’s unacceptable.

He was 100% fed properly as a child although his mum didn't buy junk food apart from choc ices. It was lentils and rice, beans and rice, roast dinners ect.

I don't know why I'm so fussed as yes it would cost me more. I want to share what I have. I'm on a pretty decent career path and have recently got a secondment where I'll be training up again. After my secondment finishes my LA is funding my masters in September. I'll have a much better pension than dh and my dc won't be dependent in the near future. Dh plans to expand his business, whether that works or not who knows. I really want (and yes I probably should explore this more as to why) us to be a solid unit which to me includes finance.

Yanno I know marries couples who have seperate houses. Sometimes people aren't compatible living together but are every other way.

@SunshineCake1 that is just horrible.

I agree however with @NoSquirrels. Food is often the last control point for people. He pays half for everything else OP? Why don't you try accepting it but that means he does his own food shop and for his son as well and really segregate the kitchen cupboards. Try it in a non-confrontational way. It probably won't work. But you should in all fairness be able to explain it to him after that if you can't right now.

I really want (and yes I probably should explore this more as to why) us to be a solid unit which to me includes finance.

You really do need to explore that. Because it’s actually relatively common that second marriages, and especially in blended families with different childcare responsibilities and arrangements, aren’t set up on a 50-50 everything shared equally basis.

The food thing sounds really annoying. But it’s him that cares about the snack food not you, it seems. So you could decide to accept this as a weird quirk, if you wanted to.

But to you it’s symptomatic of something else.

This is a first marriage to both of us. He had dss from a casual relationship and I had my dc when I was very young and straight out of foster care. I stayed single for the majority of my dcs childhood and he has also been single since dss. I think there's definitely an element of we both were used to only considering ourselves and respective dc.

@SpongebobNoPants
Has hit the nail on the head.
It’s his guilt

@SpongebobNoPants I do believe this may be the crux of it all. Before he moved in and we got married it was absolutely lovely. We shared everything, he wasn't resentful and we were like the bloody Waltons. Once we were married it all changed as his dad guilt crept in.

I think you need to sit down and actually spell out to him what @SpongebobNoPants has said. Not in an argumentative way, in a, let’s talk about our deep down feelings way. This won’t resolve itself unless he recognises where his feelings really come from.

Or do it with a counsellor, but most people don’t think they need one. So it’s hard to get them there.

I find this sad. Marriage should mean committment where you throw your lot in with the other person, and that ought to include finances. However, in modern complicated families with previous children it can be more difficult. There are issues other than the food hoarding here though. Maybe try a few things out that he might see as "fair". e.g.

"Tell him to get ALL the food shopping & groceries for a month, and you’ll reimburse him at the end of the month 50%"

OR

Each of you buy ALL of your household needs for a month, keep the receipts, then work out who spends what on who.

He has a sense of injustice which it will be helpful for you to try to address. Not saying it will solve all your problems, but it might be a start.

Extending the house will be stressful even though you need the space. You know that. You don't need the stress at the moment!

This is bonkers. We have joint money for bills but it includes food. Own spending money and pay for our own phones.

@SnowWhitesSM it’s always the dad guilt

What helped with my DP was me bluntly asking what he felt guilt about and how did he plan on resolving that?

Problem: You feel guilty because you don’t see them everyday? Well fight for full custody…
Oh you don’t want full custody or to take the kids away from their mum.
Resolution: Suck it up and come to terms with the fact that shared custody is in the best interest of your kids.

Problem: You feel guilty that you spend more time with my children than yours? That’s fine, let’s call off the wedding and split up then. No one is forcing you to live with us and my DCs aren’t going anywhere. But you don’t want to split up with me because you love me and want to marry me.
Resolution: Suck it up and realise all the children are happier with us living together. His kids love me, and mine him. Be a nice involved stepdad and we’ll continue to try and make our blended family as happy as possible.

Problem: You feel guilty because my children have bigger bedrooms than yours? But my children live here full time so they need more room as all their worldy possessions are here. I also bought the house and it was at the top of my price limit.
Resolution: Feel free to move out, this is a home not a prison but your children will inevitably have a disparity in bedroom sizes anyway unless you’re willing to take the box room in another house.
Or you could begin saving and try help us upgrade the family home.

You get the picture. I had to continually point out that his feelings of guilt were a problem of his making alone. My children and I are not responsible or able to change how he feels.
Therefore he either had to deal with them himself like a grown up and accept the status quo or we will have to go out separate ways.

He sounds horrible, tbh. Who the fuck resents the concept of “if I buy myself a chocolate bar I have to buy you one too” in a marriage? Or has separate treat cupboards? It’s so dispiriting and miserly. It sounds like he has bigger issues and processes them by measuring and quantifying who has what; one of those “split the bill to the last penny” types who forgets to actually have fun.

YANBU to want to just have normal cupboards and a normal shop. As for your thread title, how I would manage money if I were you… I’d break up with him. Honestly. I had a partner like this, who also had dietary issues as well as money ones, who wanted to do separate shops and cupboards and meals – like being resentful housemates instead of a partnership. Horrid. Now I have DP and I eat all his wine gums and he laughs and doubles the order in the next shop.

He sounds a selfish arse. He clearly resents the fact that he is buying food and treats for your 2 children (or would be in your shared senario-normal shared senario I might add) and he has 1 child half the time.

As you point out he eats more than you but he is too selfish to see that. I would either get shit if this man or have a trial where you buy really nice food for your two children and treats you know he would like and leave him out and see how he feels. For example buy a nice Indian takeaway in a Friday night and see how he feels when you dish it up between the three of you.

How are you supposed to share a life if not food and meals?. This is a keypad part of family life or is it just snacks he dies t want to share while you cook all the shared meals. Regardless
I would do the takeaway thing and point out that his non snack sharing makes you feel the same. It’d be difficult to leave his daughter out so not sure how you’d play it when she’s with you. It’d be mean to leave her out and whilst it might help him see the light it’s not fair to drag children’s feelings into these scenarios. Maybe include her in your treats, (nice homemade ice cream sundae for everyone) but not him and explain to her that her Daddy has asked to have separate treats.