Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how would you manage your money with dh if you were us?

170 replies

SnowWhitesSM · 08/10/2021 21:23

Me and DH - I earn 30k and DH has his own business but has approximately the same monthly earnings as me. I have two teens full time and he has dss 8 50/50.

We've been putting our bill money in one account and paying 50/50 but argue over food shopping money and treats. I think dh doesn't see how much I spend (especially on him food wise) and he thinks the same. I suggested upping our monthly contributions towards bills and using that for treats and food shopping but dh doesn't want to. I also suggested putting all of our bills together inc phone contracts, car insurance ect and keeping £500 a month to ourselves in our banks but he doesn't want to do that either. His suggestion is he buys food for him and dss and I buy for me and mine but I cant complain about him coming home with treats that aren't for me either. I just don't get it, why would you buy yourself a chocolate bar (yes we're arguing over a chocolate bar) and not buy me one. Apparently it makes him resentful that he can't just buy a bar of chocolate without worrying about me wanting one.

My dc don't eat us out of house and home. They have a decent school dinner and have cheese and crackers/pitta breads and houmous/soup/fish finger sandwiches for dinner as they have their main meal in school. Dh eats a lot and where the majority of the food money goes.

What is fair? I grew up with parents that had a joint bank account and everything was family money. In my wider family it's the same. Dh didn't grow up like that and feels his money is his. I want to share! I don't feel like we're a proper team when we argue over money that technically is marriage money. I don't feel he sees what I do and he says the same. Surely we should be working towards bettering our financial future together?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/10/2021 23:46

And you don't live like a couple. May as well tell him to live elsewhere

Viviennemary · 08/10/2021 23:46

I stopped thinking there was any hope when I read about his cuboard full of treats. He's not at boarding school. I dont think its a great way to live.

Pinkspecs · 08/10/2021 23:47

I don't understand why you married him with your updates, the set up sounds weird.
I couldnt be with someone who is so strange about sharing, own cupboardsConfused
Leaving food to go off because he won't share Confused

idontlikealdi · 09/10/2021 00:19

You sound like housemates or lodgers. I couldn't be living like that.

CSIblonde · 09/10/2021 00:39

It's all very odd. He is married to you but there's a "me & them" thing gong on regarding food. Does he have a weight issue, or is I about money & control. Is he controlling other things apart f on food? He can't expect a flatshare 'yours & mine are seoarate' type thing re food. It's petty , controlling & ridiculous .

EKGEMS · 09/10/2021 00:49

Your husband needs a psychiatrist that enjoys a challenge

RavingAnnie · 09/10/2021 00:51

That is really odd behaviour. Does he have an anxiety disorder?

saleorbouy · 09/10/2021 00:57

It sounds like he wants to live like a house mate in a flat share with separate cupboards for food. I think you should decide whether you're in a partnership or a coexistence. Personally I think you have offered some valid solutions, he seems reluctant to take on your DC, I would have a problem with that!

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2021 01:07

Inalready spend more on food than him because I have teens. I do more main big shops where I buy the washing powder, the dishwasher tablets, loo roll ect. Dh goes to the local sainsburys more to pick up milk and bread type of shops.
Does he want to start buying every second washing powders and dishwasher tablets? Or is he really suggesting that he just stop buying you treats? I’d separate every single cupboard, designate every second week as he provides toilet paper, dishwashing powder, laundry powder etc. and either he will get over himself or you will realise he’s not worth it and tell him to jog on. Can’t see any other outcome.

Boaby · 09/10/2021 01:10

My DH pays the mortgage & all the bills, I buy all the food. He earns about £14k more than me so it makes sense. He pays for meals when we go out too. When our children lived at home (we have one each) he paid for food twice a month & I got the rest & he also paid them both through university. Id never have accepted he gets for ‘his’ and I get for ‘mine’.
My mum would get a blank cheque from my dad to go shopping - I’d hate that.

ducksalive · 09/10/2021 01:13

He is living like a student, it is ridiculous in a grown married man.
It sounds as though as was a long way from being ready for a wife and step children.

Does he actually want this situation because it really sounds more than passive aggressive.

You come with dc and he doesn't ready to deal with this. I'm honestly not seeing much hope.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 09/10/2021 01:25

It sounds like an unpleasant flat share, with a tight, greedy flat mate. Are you actually married? (I only ask as sometimes people refer to a dh when they are long term in a relationship)

Margotshypotheticaldog · 09/10/2021 01:26

How on earth did he commit to getting married when he won't even share a packet of biscuits??

junebirthdaygirl · 09/10/2021 06:59

But why can't he buy himself a bar of chocolate on the way home and sit beside you and eat it without you making a fuss. Sometimes dh will do that and l don't want him buying me one as he is a skinny rake who can eat anything while l don't want him increasing my treats. In our family the older kids know which chocolate is mine and dh knows the Pringles are theirs. They are all in the same cupboard and that stuff is bought with the grocery shop. But we all know the score and there is no discussion
If he lived on his own for a long time he was probably used to popping into a garage on the way home getting some treats for later.
I would buy a few treats with the grocery shop bought from joint money and available to all keeping sharing in mind.
Then let him buy his own treats and eat them whenever he wants.

Shoxfordian · 09/10/2021 07:08

He sounds very uptight about food and sharing finances. It’s not fair you buy all the loo roll, and household stuff that you both use either. He doesn’t seem open to compromise which is a red flag

waterrat · 09/10/2021 07:16

My dh would literally never buy himself a treat on the way home without either thinking of me and getting me one or calling to ask what I want. How unbelievably petty is it to want to sit and eat a snack and resent having to think of your partner too. I can't get mu head round it.

This is a horrible way to live and he sounds like he has an eating disorder. It's like living in a student home I could not bear that

Karwomannghia · 09/10/2021 07:16

I have 2 teens nd they will devour any snack type food very quickly so I can kind of see why he wants to keep some separate. I often feel frustrated when there’s nothing left and they’re not allowed to eat smoothies I get for my youngest because for them they’re like one gulp and gone. We’re all from one family so it’s not a case of my kids his kids type thing.
Also I wouldn’t expect dh to buy me a chocolate bar if he got one. But I do say if you’re going to the shops on the way home let me know and I’ll often ask him to pick up a load of bread or a treat for me if I wanted one then. But he should be ‘allowed’ his own snacks if he wants them. I voted YANBU though because the money things sounds strange. We just pool everything.

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2021 07:18

It sounds like you're both being a bit petty.

You're petty for seemingly having an issue with him buying himself a bar of chocolate and not getting you a treat too. He's petty for wanting to guard his stash of treat food from your kids.

Blended families can be difficult, and there's no way your teens living with you full time eat the same amount and cost the same as his 8 year old who lives with you 50% of the time. Why don't you split your contributions to the household expenses based on amount if time in the house, then anything after is your separate pot? If either of you wants a bar of chocolate then just have a snack and the other doesn't moan about it.

FreeBritnee · 09/10/2021 07:19

I think he should be allowed to buy a chocolate bar and not buy you one. That’s just too far. The rest though makes it sound like he’s checked out.

emmylousings · 09/10/2021 07:21

Urgh, he is being unreasonable to think - as an adult- that jelly pots and pop tarts are 'treats'!!

ivykaty44 · 09/10/2021 07:22

Both have treat money pot

I find his attitude to buying you a bar of choclate slightly worrying - why would he be resentful?

daytripper28 · 09/10/2021 07:24

He hordes treat food and lunch stuff till it goes off! Often he opens a packet of biscuits, eats half and then they go back in his cupboard to go soft and never be eaten.

Your 'D'H is a twat. HTH.

Theunamedcat · 09/10/2021 07:29

He clearly has issues with treats if he is allowing them to go manky rather than share

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2021 07:31

ivykaty44
He's resentful because he can't buy himself a chocolate bar without having to worry that the OP will make a big issue if he hasn't also bought her something.

The OP's view seems to be that if one half of the couple buys themselves a chocolate bar, they should automatically buy one for the other half of the couple.

Immaculatemisconception · 09/10/2021 07:36

Our incomes our different, so DH pays more towards the household bills. We pay half each for a car. I order all the groceries, my toiletries, Christmas stuff, birthday presents, and some clothes, on a card, which we pay half each towards. We save equal amounts for holidays and house repairs etc. Money left over is our own. He never mentions the fact that my children consume food etc., never. If ever he wants a foodie treat, he buys it but always offers me some or buys me something anyway. He buys us a takeaway sometimes and takes us out for food. He does this to thank me for doing the shopping and cooking. DH is a keeper.

@SnowWhitesSM, you have to sort this out. You can’t live like that.