My daughter doesn’t have a bedroom-is this bad

[Thoseshoulderslookace]

Dd, 3, sleeps in our room/bed, all her toys are downstairs..everywhere, plus in the garden etc. We have one extra bedroom that’s used as a spare room currently for when people come to stay. We’re getting it ready to be her bedroom, but it’s taking so long because it’s so expensive! Saving back a bit each month to decorate it all fully, buy the bed, shelves, chair, rugs, decorations etc etc.
Is it shit that she doesn’t have her own room yet? Feel so bad about it 🥲

Hi, I watched a video about a Japanese family who say it’s custom where they live for children to stay with them until they are 5. I’m taking comfort in that as we are slowly getting into a similar situation with our 19m old. I was hoping for her to have her own room when she weans but it looks like she’ll not have one for when shes 2. I see us being stuck in a 1bed flat with office room for a long while as my partner can’t see a practical way of having two bedrooms and an office in the main bedroom or living kitchen. Our flat is small and wanted to move out before she was born so that we had space but nothing has gone right and I feel we’re stuck. I’d love to be able to decorate a room for a toddler but there’s only this office which he needs for work, even if he works in the companies office, the office at hone still gets used for emergency fixes. It may sound like a trivial thing but his job is the only job keeping a roof over our heads so his office is important. I’m hoping social services understand our situation and support us through what will be a big and difficult change for everyone.

Some of the advice on here may help you with the big bedroom. Maybe there’s something you DD already has that that she can put in her big bedroom. Pot paints cost a pound or two and stencils from catalogues can make decorating cheaper. Repurpose some things if you can. I’m thinking of way to repurpose the changing table. With the right gromits the cot can become another shelf or a desk. Pick some of your girly quilt covers for her to choose from until her Christmas when hopefully someone might buy quilt covers. Halves the cost of quilting if you only but the quilt. If you are using her old quilt its ok.

It's your child and your choice.
I and many others never had a nice bedroom. There never
was the money. I suspect many children yet are just happy with any bed and furniture. They are not harmed by it. As long as they are well fed , warm and content, it doesn't matter what their room looks like.

Ask her if she would be happy in her own room now. If she wants it put all her things in it and give her the spare room straight away. If it needs decorating she would have to move out for a few days, especially if it is to be painted. That only takes a day or two, but would need airing before she has to sleep in it because of paint fumes. A small bedroom can be easily decorated in a day or two, but preparation work may need to be done (cracks etc). Paint only costs about £60 or so, so maybe you can run to that.
It is always nice if a child can have her own new mattress and pillows, so think about that as it is a health issue.
Bed frames can be had for nothing if you are prepared to pick them up. Charity shops get loads, and a look in local papers should turn something up. There is little or no market for them due to health and safety. Council dumps often sell that sort of thing.

We kept our kids room neutral when they were small, cream walls and just made it kid friendly with colourful curtains and bedding, posters in frames and wall stickers so they could be changed easily when the next obsession kicked in. We had Toy story, Indiana Jones and various others. My kids now have their own rooms now they are teens and have kept them neutral, both opting for white walls and their choices of curtains and rugs.
We have the opposite problem in that, to give them a room each, we don't have a bedroom so sleep in the lounge.

I would definitely keep the double bed. You can sleep there with her when she's ill, you can keep it for guests and there is a nice comfy space for reading books before sleep.

DC has only ever had a double because the room was the guest room before she came along. I found a lovely children's double duvet cover.

The eldest had a toddler bed but only because his room was tiny. It was sweet but I wouldn't have bothered if his room was a decent size.

You can brighten up blank walls with stencils. Buy cheap from Poundland and paint in the patterns with 2 or three tester pots of paint. A chap way to make a big difference. Primark pillowcases are 1.80 per pair and they have children's duvet sets and towels for very little money. They also have accessories to make the room look pretty. Splash the cash when you have it to spare but for a 3 year old...no, not till she's older. If the room is fresh, warm and clean with a comfy bed, fun nightlight and furry rug, plus her fav bedtime books, she'll be fine.

Typo...cheap.

It’s totally fine - and I’ll bet she loves sleeping with/close to you

3 is quite old to be still sharing a bedroom with adults, apart from anything else children need to learn how to sleep alone, and the decor of the room couldn't matter less at her age, that's all about you

Personally I'd skip the toddler bed (does she have this already in your room?) and go straight to a single bed.
Again, FB marketplace & free groups on there.
My spare room was literally a plain white box with a bare floor & an old wardrobe.
Took 2 years to sort it out because I had problems with the walls crumbling and discovered old lead paint underneath, factor in lockdown too, it really did cost the earth to remedy.
I got my DD a free midsleeper off FB (she's 5), an offcut of carpet for £40 from a shop, (bartered that down too), pink blackout curtains from Argos for £12, a pack of pink glittery battery candle tea lights from b&m for £3, and a new duvet cover! Also got
cheap lampshade & some wall stickers in dunelm which were about £10 but not even used the stickers yet, because trust me, once the furniture, pink curtains (& pink rod from Argos £10 too) are up, the duvet cover is on and some toys move in, it looks far from bare!! I'd already bought a wardrobe from Facebook but ended up using the existing ancient one as its actually more practical and fits better!
It's better than I'd imagined and she loves it!! Wish I'd done it far sooner.
Go for it!
Also agree with keeping the double bed for stories and snuggles, if you have the space to do so 👍🏼.

@Bertiebiscuit

3 is quite old to be still sharing a bedroom with adults, apart from anything else children need to learn how to sleep alone, and the decor of the room couldn't matter less at her age, that's all about you

Nah. It's not 'quite old' at all and bollocks do they 'need to learn' to sleep alone. Most adults don't sleep alone, do they? Nothing wrong with waiting until a child wants their own space as long as the parents are happy to do that.

I'd love to know what you think happens to people from communities and cultures in which families normally bedshare for much longer- are all the adults physically incapable of sleeping alone?

Not quite the same, but we had DD in the box room from birth while we used the bigger room as a spare room (literally had people to stay twice in 3 years). She stayed there till age 4, no complaints, even though DS had a much bigger room. When the pandemic hit we suddenly needed a home office and decided to switch things around and moved DD into the larger room so we could turn her room into an office. We quickly decorated to make it hers but apart from that she had to make do with the furniture already in there…anyway once she moved in she was insanely happy and kept thanking us, would spend hours playing in there - basically it hadn’t even occurred to her that it could be her room!

With your DD, if sharing with you and not having a space to call her own is all she’s known, then of course it’s not going to be a problem, but it could well be that giving her the room might make her feel happier and more independent. xxx

My daughter’s children each have a room. Most nights they are in her bed 😂. It’s absolutely fine.

My daughter doesn’t have a bedroom, as I’m a single mum and currently I’ve had to rent her room out to provide funds. She is very happy. So I really wouldn’t worry about it. Great you have the option

I wouldn’t worry so much about getting the decor perfect. A cheap duvet and pillowcase set an a pattern or character she likes will make the existing bed a ‘child’s bed’ and once you’ve moved her toys/teddies etc in there from elsewhere in the house it will look like a child’s bedroom. Plus you gain the extra space downstairs where the toys used to be so it’s win, win. Worry about the rest later.

You have a room and don’t need to make the room perfect as PP have said.

I find it strange to be honest that you keep the room for guests but your daughter hasn’t got it as a bedroom yet,

Go on Freecycle in your area where you can ask for free atuff or see what people are giving away. My friend got paint a bed and pictures from there recently. All free and very good.

There are a lot worse things in life. Those that say it’s mean don’t really understand the conditions kids in other countries live in. Having a bed, a loving family and being safe is more important than any bedroom and won’t traumatise your daughter. Don’t worry about it.

“… have the option”??? She’s 3 years old for God’s sake Giving 3 year olds options leads to spoiled, entitled teenagers and adults

I don't think giving a 3 year old the option of their own room - when there is a room available necessarily leads to a spoilt and entitled teenager / adult - there is a a room, - it's not like you are depriving someone else . Just don't get this one. & She does not have to sleep in it but children do , largely , want their own room at some point.

ds's first bedroom was done on a shoestring. But it was lovely.

For the sake of your marriage, put her in her room.

Having studied child development and working with many adults who have had difficulty in adulthood with different things, that relate straight back to their childhood, some of which have had trauma being put in a room by themselves too young. It really doesn't matter it's about the love and disapline you give her, plus I actually believe that she probably loves sleeping in your room. Just think back to when you were a child, you probably would have wanted to stay with your parents I know I did. The research shows this is actually highly beneficial for the child's development, to stay with their parents in the same room as it gives them that deep grounding and security in themselves, especially before the age of 6.

Just think back to when you were a child, you probably would have wanted to stay with your parents I know I did. The research shows this is actually highly beneficial for the child's development, to stay with their parents in the same room as it gives them that deep grounding and security in themselves, especially before the age of 6.

Plenty of children have their own rooms but come into their parents rooms if they need comfort. It’s nice to have options.
We’ve just moved house and my three year old excitedly arranged his toys and teddies in there - they are definitely old enough to appreciate their own space, even if they don’t use it for much except sleeping.
Mine have come in to our bed in the mornings when they wake up and at night when they’ve felt a bit poorly or had a bad sleep, they stay for about an hour and then tell me they want to go back to their own room. Like me, they feel a bit restricted on space I guess. I personally don’t understand co-sleeping with an older child, they take up a lot of space in the bed, I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep doing this on a regular basis. I guess maybe it’s a thing for King Size beds, we have a double. I think plenty of husbands and partners end up on the couch or in the spare room.