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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Today is a big birthday and my husband forgot

306 replies

Kk789 · 08/10/2021 18:44

Today is a milestone birthday and my husband forgot. He remembered at 6pm and said sorry but we couldn't do anything anyway because of covid.

I feel really sad about it actually because we do usually do birthdays, not so much big presents but we make it a nice day

Feel pretty low :(

OP posts:
lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/10/2021 14:50

If you wanted a fuss, you should have communicated your expectations. You sound like a bit of a martyr

there's a difference between wanting a fuss and expecting your husband to remember a card and present for your 40th. A "fuss" might be something like planning a surprise party. Coming home with a card and bottle of champagne would not be a "fuss" and I think would be the least anyone might expect of their partner.

RoSEbuds6 · 09/10/2021 14:50

My husband doesn't really get birthdays, and would happily just have one book for his. He does however realise, that I love birthdays, and we will discuss it in advance, if there is anything I'd like to do, what I'd like etc. It's not a particularly magical approach, but it does take into account our different expectations and means that we are both happy in the end. He does get me a suprise too which is always thoughtful.
SO what I hope I am saying, your DH doesn't have to be naturally wonderful at birthdays, he can be very crap at them, BUT he can make a bloody effort because you like them.
I think this is very poor show, and you should tell him so. It's not childish or pathetic, it means a lot to you, and he should know that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me Cake Flowers

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/10/2021 14:50

(and for the avoidance of doubt, without having to tell them - any grown adult should be able to work out that their partner might like a card and present on their birthday!)

MargosKaftan · 09/10/2021 15:05

Op - i hope you have a lovely evening with your friends tonight. I would seriously consider telling dh to stay home and go without him.

Theres being rubbish at gifts and getting nothing, not even a card and somehow blaming covid at this point of no restrictions is insane.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 09/10/2021 15:40

Wow. I hope you have been honest with him about how this has made you feel OP.
I’m not a big birthday person but not even a card and box of choccies? That’s just very uncaring. Would have taken 5 minutes on his way home from work one day.

I’m with the people saying don’t play that down at dinner when your friends ask you what he got you.

Bollindger · 09/10/2021 16:58

You could always ask him if his is going shopping before Dinner, tell him most shops now carry a sorry I forgot card.

vivainsomnia · 09/10/2021 17:04

I was expecting a post today to say 'guess what', it was a set up, all my friends and family show up at 9pm and we had a big party all organised by OP. They all kept it a secret. Oh and I got a gorgeous bracelet'.

Can't believe any long term partner could forget a 40th birthday.

1FootInTheRave · 09/10/2021 17:29

This is awful.

Your 40th and nothing?

I am far from a birthday princess but this is unforgivable imo.

Happy Birthday op 🥂⚘

liveforsummer · 09/10/2021 17:42

Covid is a shit excuse but for a milestone birthday if it meant a lot then id probably plant a seed or make a suggestion (I don't like surprises though so might be unusual). I'd certainly be proactive rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. People (not just men but sometimes more so) can have different priorities so be a bit less thoughtful in these circumstances

Original poster
Kk789 · 09/10/2021 18:59

@liveforsummer

Covid is a shit excuse but for a milestone birthday if it meant a lot then id probably plant a seed or make a suggestion (I don't like surprises though so might be unusual). I'd certainly be proactive rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. People (not just men but sometimes more so) can have different priorities so be a bit less thoughtful in these circumstances
Did you read all my posts in this thread?
OP posts:
Original poster
Kk789 · 09/10/2021 19:00

I can confirm, there were no big surprises tonight, but my friends are wonderful xx

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 09/10/2021 19:02

Have fun with your friends.

Perhaps compare and contrast the effort made by people who like you but aren't in a relationship with you, with the person is supposed to care the most about you.

WTF475878237NC · 09/10/2021 19:11

Glad your friends are making you happy OP.

Some pathetic excuses for your husband on this thread by people who have low standards or haven't read your posts.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/10/2021 19:57

@1forAll74

What's a big birthday, I have had a lot of those, and never get upset if any are forgotten.. Lots of men forget special days, or suddenly remember them in a few weeks time.!
This is BS.

Most of us have mobiles these days, and they come with calendars where we can put reminders, lots of them if needed.

Any man capable of holding down a job, is capable of setting a reminder/s. Even a card and a bottle of champagne is easy enough to get, and at least acknowedges OP's birthday.

My ex used to 'forget' my birthday on a regular basis, yet would get upset if I didn't do something special for his birthday. It was all one way because he never gave a shit about me or my feelings. It got quite soul destroying to realise how little he actually cared. I left him after 30 years and even the DC didn't bother speaking to him after we left.

OP, your feelings are not silly, they're totally valid. It's not about having a fuss made of you, but about a simple acknowledgement, something that shows you your DH actually cares.

I hope you're having a great time with your friends.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 09/10/2021 20:14

I hope you enjoy your meal with friends. Are you going to tell them he forgot if they ask what he got you?

Please don't do anything for him on his 40th (assuming it hasn't passed). In fact treat yourself to a spa weekend or whatever and tell him 'l forgot' see how he likes it.

Elieza · 09/10/2021 20:20

What did they say when they found out that your dh, or should I say not-so-dh, didn’t even bother his arse to get a card with money in it for you, let alone a special present?

They must have been ‘you got her nothing, not even a card, wtf dude?’

Amiwronghere · 09/10/2021 21:08

Sorry op, he is rubbish!!

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 09/10/2021 21:50

My husband when still my DP bought me several gifts for my birthday one year, but didn't bother to wrap them up, as I'd told him what I would like. I obviously thanked him for them, but was quietly disappointed that he hadn't made the effort to wrap them, so wrote him a note which I left by the kettle so he would see it next morning. I said that while I was grateful for the gifts it would have made it so much more special if they'd been wrapped, even though I knew what he was getting for me. He never acknowledged the note, but has ALWAYS wrapped my gifts since. You need to tell your not so dear DH how hurt you are by his failure to show you that he cares about making you feel special on your birthday, as he obviously doesn't get it. Then tell him that he has 12 months notice before your next birthday, and you expect something REALLY special to make up for his thoughtlessness this year.

StarCourt · 09/10/2021 22:18

What did your friends say?

Summersun2020 · 09/10/2021 22:18

OP please ignore any nasty comments, or ANY suggestion that you’re a martyr for not spelling it into your idiot husband that he should buy you a birthday card for your 40th birthday. Flowers Honestly I despair of the shorty low standards some people have for themselves.
I’m glad your friends made today special and I’m really sorry your husband is such a selfish thoughtless arsehole. Of course he should have bought you cards, gifts and made you feel loved and special on your birthday. You deserve more. X

billy1966 · 09/10/2021 22:21

OP,

Awful selfish behaviour, but not in isolation I don't doubt.

He has shown you how little he regards you, take note.

I would be looking at him with a hard eye and stop doing anything that benefits him.

A very happy birthday to you.Flowers

Justilou1 · 09/10/2021 22:42

I’m so terribly sorry about your birthday. My DH forgot my 40th too. He was away literally living the dream for work, and I was holed up in a hotel room in Singapore (in situ) with my rabidly bitchy mum, and three toddlers. Great day, that. I didn’t see him until he got home six weeks later and he still hadn’t remembered, but he bought everyone presents from his trip. Except he was going to buy me some perfume at the Duty Free, but guess what? He forgot. I’ll be 50 next year and I’ll be giving him a list.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/10/2021 22:49

I don't know, it's a pretty massive error but if he's an otherwise good husband it is probably forgivable. Really it depends on the context.....

Is he exceptionally busy or stressed at the moment? Still no excuse but could be a reason.

Summersun2020 · 09/10/2021 23:14

@Justilou1 I’m sorry your husband forgot your birthday Flowers
But…I ready rabidly bitchy mum as “rabidly itchy bum” Grin gave me a laugh! Time for bed I think!

Cadent · 09/10/2021 23:19

What a dick. Using Covid as an excuse is almost gaslighting.

Definitely forget his birthdays from now on.

And get him a shit Xmas present, or nothing at all preferably.