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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:
TinnedPotatoesRock · 08/10/2021 13:35

Him going to the wedding is the least of your worries

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:36

Want to add he will most likely get drunk over the weekend. Just think it's not been that he is going but more so that he hasnt even asked me "will you be alright if I leave you with the baby for a weekend". Not saying he needs my permission but surely If I just booked to go to Ireland for a weekend he wouldnt be very impressed

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/10/2021 13:36

I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go
You shouldn't have said that if you didn't mean it. So, YABU. But not about the other stuff, sounds like he has some growing up to do. Hopefully when he's back you'll be able to take some time out for yourself and let him take care of the child. And maybe plan to fill the time he's away so that you're not spending the weeking fuming over it.

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:36

@TinnedPotatoesRock care to elaborate?

OP posts:
Cofifeefee · 08/10/2021 13:37

It wouldn't bother me if dh went to a wedding on his own if we had a 9 month old. The weekend would just upset the baby's routine.

It would hugely bother me if his going meant that he expected me to borrow money for him.

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2021 13:37

Use the opportunity to get ready to leave him

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:38

@LifeInAHamsterWheel I will respect it as in I womt tell him no dont go like how he has been trying to force me into going . But I cant respect the fact that he has decided it's okay to leave us over a wedding that we cant even afford and that isnt even anyone close to him

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 08/10/2021 13:38

If you're lucky, he might want to stay in Scotland.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 08/10/2021 13:39

[quote Overandonefor]@TinnedPotatoesRock care to elaborate?[/quote]
Yeah, re-read what you've written!

RedToothBrush · 08/10/2021 13:39

The wedding and him going on his own isn't the problem. Its fine to do that if finances and practicalities of having a baby mean only one of you going is preferable. What is the problem is him doing things behind your back, financially controlling you and you being his atm.

Stop giving him money. You need it.

PomegranateQueen · 08/10/2021 13:39

I agree with @TinnedPotatoesRock, the wedding is the least of your worries. My advice is to get yourself back to work and rebuild your financial independence, being a SAHM in these circumstances puts you and your child in a very vulnerable situation.

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:39

Guess my point is if it was a wedding in the country I would understand more. The fact that he is going away on a plane is crazy to me

OP posts:
Carboncheque · 08/10/2021 13:40

You have a 9 month old and you’re using your savings to support the three of you because of his personal debt? The wedding is the tip of the iceberg.

Peridot1 · 08/10/2021 13:40

Agree with TinnedPotatoesRock. Him leaving you for the wedding is the least of the issues.

He lied to you. He’s crap with money. He is in debt and still thinks it’s ok to spend money he doesn’t have going to a wedding. You are funding this.

STOP spending your savings on him. He is a total loser.

LittleOwl153 · 08/10/2021 13:40

Tell him to go and only come back if he can put up half the costs of your overall living expenses each week.

This man will carry on rinsing you until you have no savings left then he will leave. Leaving you broke and holding the baby. He doesn't give a dawn about you or your child.

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:41

@RedToothBrush but that is the thing he doesnt have the finances for even going on his own! He has just found out he is behind in another massive payment and now owes a couple more thousand onto his already growing debt

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 08/10/2021 13:41

He sounds like a total liability, you should never have said you'll respect his decision if he wants to go, he can't afford it, end of!
I'd be splitting up with him, he'll eat his way through your savings, and carry on getting into debt, its no way to live.

JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 13:42

[quote Overandonefor]@TinnedPotatoesRock care to elaborate?[/quote]
He's financially irresponsible and has no respect or regards for your needs and opinions.

Chamomileteaplease · 08/10/2021 13:42

To be honest, no I don't think it's a big deal looking after a nine month old on your own for a weekend.

But being crap with money and borrowing off you to go to a wedding that you aren't going to? That is your worry. He sounds about 16.

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:43

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

OP posts:
H0cusP0cus · 08/10/2021 13:43

@Cofifeefee

It wouldn't bother me if dh went to a wedding on his own if we had a 9 month old. The weekend would just upset the baby's routine.

It would hugely bother me if his going meant that he expected me to borrow money for him.

This for me tbh. I'd enjoy the peace with your baby. It's the money that's your issue not him actually 'leaving' you both
JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 13:44

How old are you both, OP?

LIZS · 08/10/2021 13:44

But you effectively told him he could go, knowing it was a plane ride away. He could have decided not to given circumstances but it is rather tricky for you to complain about that now. However the fact he cannot afford it and is relying on you to fund his spending and debt is a huge issue. Stop making sacrifices on his account. Does he work?

Cameleongirl · 08/10/2021 13:44

@Cofifeefee

It wouldn't bother me if dh went to a wedding on his own if we had a 9 month old. The weekend would just upset the baby's routine.

It would hugely bother me if his going meant that he expected me to borrow money for him.

I agree with Coffee. Going to the wedding would be a hassle for you and the baby. His finances are the real issue here, he needs to sort them out.
Twizbe · 08/10/2021 13:44

Agree, the wedding is the least of your problems.

When he's gone, change the locks. His debt is not your problem. You should not be spending your savings on him.

Time to get back to work and only look after you and the 9 month old baby. The man child can go back to his parents