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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:
FreedomFaith · 08/10/2021 14:27

Let him go and either change the locks while he is gone and get the tenancy agreement changed behind his back, or move out and don't tell him where. All his financial problems are now his, lead your own life free of him and don't feel guilty for even one second. Your child deserves better.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2021 14:27

He taking you for a fool and your acting a fool. You said you had no monies for clothes for the baby - then you said you spent a couple of hundred on clothes for the baby.

Exactly. Spending that much money on clothes for a 9 month old when you're living off of savings? FFS. Your judgement and maturity are questionable on many levels.

Lweji · 08/10/2021 14:27

You could stop living as partners.
Are you renting?
Look for solutions and for help, because you will be better off on your own, for sure.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/10/2021 14:29

@Aquamarine1029

He taking you for a fool and your acting a fool. You said you had no monies for clothes for the baby - then you said you spent a couple of hundred on clothes for the baby.

Exactly. Spending that much money on clothes for a 9 month old when you're living off of savings? FFS. Your judgement and maturity are questionable on many levels.

This
DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 14:32

@Overandonefor

To all of you saying ltb I have tried. I've have been constantly denied places because they wont accept my dss and my council said the waiting list for rehoming can be a matter or 2 to 3 years. I am stuck even though I had my depoist money and a guarantor
You'll be in a much stronger position once you're back at work and possibly able to rent privately. I'd rather move back in with my mother and stay in the loft. At least she's solvent and won't lie to get my money!
bellabasset · 08/10/2021 14:32

Under the circumstances you describe YANBU about attending a wedding in your financial circumstances. I think you need to look at your future as a family but it seems you might be a victim of financial abuse. Can you contact your local CAB office for advice re the issues you would have obtaining a home in your name.

Your dp, hopefully you're not married, as a family man is being completely selfish in going to wedding on his own, especially as he can't even afford to pay for it.

Niffler92 · 08/10/2021 14:36

Leave him, if he was a decent dp I’d say YABU but he’s not LTB.

TheGirlCat · 08/10/2021 14:36

You haven't mentioned your parents. Where are they in this? Can't move in with them? Or stay with friends? Even stay in a caravan? Your partner is a worthless bit of shit who is using you for money, taking your money and doesn't give a fuck about you or his child. Why would anyone with self respect stay with him? The wedding (and at 9 months, I think it's ok, if the baby was 9 weeks old it would be different) really is just hiding the real issue. That you should have broke up with him when you were going to. He doesn't love you. He doesn't give a fuck about you or the baby. And WORSE, his parents back him up, so as long as you are in a relationship with him, you will have THEM dragging you down and eroding your self confidence too! No one needs that like a hole in the head! Imagine how easier it would be being on your own! You won't have to worry about people knocking on your door repossessing things. At this point you really will be so much better off and with less worries if you're on your own. I'd even stay in a caravan with the baby, I really would, until I could find somewhere. One night longer with that worthless thief cocklodger is one more night of stress and worry. Get away from him. No woman and no innocent baby needs that trouble.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 14:37

OP, you say you liked your job, and you presumably knew about his debts. Why did you give up work? I'm not haranguing you, I'm wondering if there might be a wider context of pressure or something surrounding it. Why on earth would a man full of debt who can barely afford to live want his partner to stop working when they have a baby and need money more than ever?

TheGirlCat · 08/10/2021 14:39

Or, you could use the wedding for your benefit. Once he's gone, change the locks or move out. Either way, for your own sanity and survival, you need to get away from him and end it for good because if you stay with him you and the baby will be living on the streets. Gather your self respect and through that worthless bit of shit in the gutter where he belongs. Do it for your daughter, to show her a strong woman and mother, if not for yourself.

godmum56 · 08/10/2021 14:39

wedding = irrelevant. you have bigger problems and its not going to get better.

callmeadoctor · 08/10/2021 14:40

@Overandonefor

I'm not lending him anymore money. I learnt from last time and I told him he used me and that was drawing a line. I didnt mind supporting him here and there which i have done majority of our relationship, I've stopped people knocking on our door and his car from being uninsured so he could get to work. But now I'm the one paying for everything still.

So its not the lending that is the problem, but more so that financially I'm expected to pay for everything. For example I just bought our child a whole load of winter clothes which came up to a couple hundred, and constantly am buying the food shop which is at least 60 a week for all 3

Nobody in debt should be spending a couple of hundred on winter clothes for a 9 month old.
Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:41

@callmeadoctor I'm not in debt. I was the one that saved up the money and bought all the clothes

OP posts:
Derbee · 08/10/2021 14:41

Look for work. Stay with parents or family if you can. Leave him

Lweji · 08/10/2021 14:43

What is worse to me is that you say he's still accruing debt, instead of paying it off, despite you paying for most things.
Where is he spending his income?

callmeadoctor · 08/10/2021 14:43

From your opening post OP: I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:43

@DrSbaitso it's a long story and a mixture of reasons. But basically I never wanted to stay unemployed I literally quit less than a month before the lockdown in 2019. I also found out I was pregnant a couple weeks after that. It was all such a shit show of timing. But there was no way for me to get a job once lockdown hit. With hindsight if I knew of course I would of stuck it out and never left. I could of really done with that security and maternity pay.

For the rest who asks I'm in my early twenties. I have no family or friends that can help. I am utterly on my own and my dp knows that. I live with him and his family so I cant change the locks

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 08/10/2021 14:44

It strikes me that you'd be financially better off without him. You have some savings that he's eating into and leaving you to pay for everything. Leave whilst you have some money to be able to do so.

callmeadoctor · 08/10/2021 14:44

OP has said that "we are currently broke!" (eating into savings is not then relevant really)

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 14:44

[quote Overandonefor]@callmeadoctor I'm not in debt. I was the one that saved up the money and bought all the clothes[/quote]
You freely admit in your first post that you are broke. Broke people generally don't spend hundreds on stuff that's not essential. Surely you would have been better using that money you'd saved to leave the relationship?

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 14:45

I live with him and his family so I cant change the locks

Leave and go to the council. Tell them you're homeless and need emergency accommodation.

toomuchlaundry · 08/10/2021 14:45

@Overandonefor what money do you currently have coming in. If you are using savings to spend over £200 on baby clothes, that is madness. How are you funding the food shop?

callmeadoctor · 08/10/2021 14:45

I am completely on your side OP by the way, but maybe looking at some money management may help, oh and ditch your partner.

Graphista · 08/10/2021 14:45

He's a drain! He's adding nothing useful to your life whatsoever op.

Why can't he be the one to move out? Much easier for him to get somewhere to live than you and the baby. He could move back in with his precious family at least temporarily.

I don't think continuing in this relationship makes financial OR emotional sense

He's a user and always will be

Being a single mum isn't easy but it's a lot easier than ALSO supporting another financially irresponsible adult! Again both financially AND emotionally speaking

The stress this is all causing is ridiculous too.

I would not be at all impressed if a partner of mine pulled all this crap, not just the money but the lying, blaming you etc

Totally not on

peboh · 08/10/2021 14:46

Him going to the wedding alone, not the problem. Most people would be cool with that in normal circumstances.
You need to stop supporting him financially if it's putting you in a bad position. Leave this man. He is not somebody you want to be in a partnership with.