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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 08/10/2021 13:58

[quote Overandonefor]@DrSbaitso I don't think you quite caught onto my sarcasm! I am in no way happy about it but my initial question was is he being unreasonable for going and people have said no. Yes I am fuming that he couldnt contribute a penny towards buying his baby clothes but will somehow pull ahundred out of his ass ( or parents) to fund what HE WANTS. I already pulled him up on this. He clearly can get money when he wants it. And spends it whether he should or shouldnt. But he didnt see the problem and just called me spiteful doe calling him out on it. His parents think he is perfectly in his right to do this because they want him to go as much as he wants to. When I told them what he did in terms of lying and borrowing my own money to save himself all his dm had to say about that is "well he felt he couldnt approach you because you'd be upset about it" well yes of course I would! Which oh by the way the was he excuse for lying and not telling me for weeks. He said because he knew I'd blow up and it's my fault he feels like he cant tell me things. HA![/quote]
So get rid of him. I’m far more reluctant than most of MN to say LTB but you need him out of your life. Send him back to mummy.

Peridot1 · 08/10/2021 13:59

Ok yes you are right he should not be going to the wedding. Of course you are. Because he cannot afford it. But this is a small issue in the bigger picture

Its not about him flying to another country,.
It’s not about him leaving you with the baby for the weekend.
It’s not about him having a nice time and you seething at home.

It is about the fact that while you are with him you will ALWAYS have money issues. You try to help him and he lies more and gets into further debt. He then still thinks it’s ok to spend more money that he doesn’t have going to this wedding. Next month it will be something else. And the month after something else. He thinks he deserves a lifestyle that he cannot afford.

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 14:00

So get rid of him. I’m far more reluctant than most of MN to say LTB but you need him out of your life. Send him back to mummy

Agreed. He is adding a grand sum of Jack shit to your life whilst simultaneously taking your savings and mooching off your kind heart. Honestly ask yourself why on earth are you still with him?

Freshhel · 08/10/2021 14:00

You both sound as bad as one another to be honest!

Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:00

This thread gives no one the right to question why I brought my child into this world. So you can save that thankyou. I have my reasons but I DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY MYSELF.

All you need to know is I can afford everything for her by buying nothing for myself. Which is more than her dad does! Thanks.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 14:01

Damn right I didn't pick up on your sarcasm, especially with the smiley! I still can't see it, if I'm honest.

Well, he didn't pull the £100 out of his arse, did he? People have been telling you that while there might not be anything inherently wrong in going to a wedding alone when you have a young baby, in this case it's a serious issue because of the massive context surrounding it.

He's useless, OP. He has debts up to the eyes and its obvious why. He makes it your fault that you can't talk to him about it and he lies to get your money. Mean with money, mean with love....and as you're no doubt aware, money is a very serious issue in a relationship. Depending on context, I think I'd find an affair easier to get over than such a long term, destructive, uncaring and exploitative financial drip drip.

You need to go back to work and seriously consider whether this is the life you want. What on earth does he offer you?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 14:01

@Embroidery

Hes a adult and has a reasonable right to go to what he wants to, as do you. If you split he will be doing his own thing all week every week and every other weekend. Youre too controlling.
Yeah OP, hand over your savings to him without hi needing to explain because he deserves to be free!! 😂😂😂😂

At les if they split she'd child child support.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/10/2021 14:01

This relationship is a train wreck

Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:01

@Freshhel sorry how so?

OP posts:
JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 14:01

[quote Overandonefor]@JudgementalCactus oh your username suits you nicely Smile[/quote]
Why thank you! Grin

BurntO · 08/10/2021 14:03

It’s fine to leave a 9month old with their parent and go to a wedding. You are looking at things to pick at because you don’t like how he has handled the financial situation. THAT is concerning

ScarlettSunset · 08/10/2021 14:03

You need to leave him.
He's put himself having fun ahead of making sure your baby has what they need.
He'll use up all of your money and then what?
Your child shouldn't have to grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is OK. And they shouldn't have to go without because you've spent all your money keeping him just about afloat.

Embroidery · 08/10/2021 14:03

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!!
I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Work on your relationship and dont bite off nose to spite face. Youre in the wrong on this one and too controlling. He should get a job. Why doesnt he work? How do you have savings, you earn well or have things changed? Is it temporary?
Sometimes MN is a dangerous damaging place.

lazylinguist · 08/10/2021 14:03

Okay everyone. Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going.

Not a single poster has said that! You are either misunderstanding what people are saying, or you're in denial and too scared to accept the reality of what they are actually saying, which is this:

Your dp is a grade A arsehole for going to this wedding.

Not because there is inherently anything wrong with one partner going to a wedding while the other stays home with a 9 month old (if that's what they want to do and have agreed).

He is an arsehole because

  1. He lies to you and disrespects you (and somehow expects you to just 'get over' that, as though it's an unimportant one-off).
  1. He expects you to fund his debt-ridden sorry arse while he spends what cash he can get his hands on to swan around buying outfits and going to jollies instead of providing for his child.

LTB

Ughmaybenot · 08/10/2021 14:03

I’m so confused, hardly anyone has said he is being reasonable to go to this bloody wedding when he clearly cannot actually afford to do so. It doesn’t take much thinking about as a responsible adult to conclude that you cannot have everything and anything you want in life, simply because you want it.
I also don’t know how you managed to reach the conclusion that the money situation is a whole other story. The two tales of woe are firmly interlinked imo.

CanofCant · 08/10/2021 14:03

What his parents think is irrelevant. No wonder he shirks his parental responsibilities when they don't hold him accountable. They don't sound like concerned Grandparents. I would distance myself from the lot of them and focus on my baby and building other support networks and looking to get back into work as soon as it was feasible. He's really let you down. Are you living together? Is his name on the tenancy etc? Most likely not on the bills!

Yet another example of how a woman's life is upended when having a baby but the man's is completely unaffected.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 14:04

@BurntO

It’s fine to leave a 9month old with their parent and go to a wedding. You are looking at things to pick at because you don’t like how he has handled the financial situation. THAT is concerning
You're the kind of person who sees a car fall off a cliff and worries about erosion, aren't you?
elbea · 08/10/2021 14:04

@Overandonefor If you have no money why did you buy hundreds of pounds of clothes for a baby? We have aren’t struggling for money but we still buy 90% of our one year olds clothes second hand. It seems actual madness to spend all that money on new baby clothes.

Money aside, I wouldn’t care a bit if my husband went away for a weekend at 9 months. He deployed at 12 days old and it was fine, a couple of days at 9 months is easy.

Blossomtoes · 08/10/2021 14:04

@Embroidery

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!! I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Work on your relationship and dont bite off nose to spite face. Youre in the wrong on this one and too controlling. He should get a job. Why doesnt he work? How do you have savings, you earn well or have things changed? Is it temporary?
Sometimes MN is a dangerous damaging place.

It’s a damaging place when people post this kind of toxic shit.
SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 14:04

What made either of you think that having a child was a good idea? You cant afford it. does it matter 18 months after the deed is done? She can't send her back and things may have looked a lot different 18 months ago

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 14:05

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!!
I LTB twice and was single mum for 20 years. Wouldnt wish it on anyone.

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Freshhel · 08/10/2021 14:05

You are an enabler he will just keep coming back for more, you're encouraging this behaviour, get shut of him, get your financial affairs in order and get a job, see what you're entitled to and hold your head up high, never look back!

JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 14:05

@Overandonefor

This thread gives no one the right to question why I brought my child into this world. So you can save that thankyou. I have my reasons but I DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY MYSELF.

All you need to know is I can afford everything for her by buying nothing for myself. Which is more than her dad does! Thanks.

How can you afford everything for her while unemployed and subsudizing the cocklodger?
aloris · 08/10/2021 14:06

He isn't being unreasonable for going somewhere without you and the baby.

He IS being unreasonable for spending money on a nonessential social visit when doing so prevents him from supporting his child.

He is also being unreasonable for getting further into debt to go on this nonessential trip, thus impacting his ability to support his child.

He is also being unreasonable for lying to you to borrow money from you to go on this nonessential trip.

Even if he were NOT lying to you, but was instead being totally up-front, he would still be unreasonable for taking money from your pocket to fund this nonessential trip, when you need that money to feed your child.

Not sure why you latched on the miniscule question of whether it was unreasonable of him to go somewhere without you when you have the much larger question looming of him putting his money towards his fun and social events over feeding his own kid. And, oh yeah, lying to you to take money from your pocket.

lazylinguist · 08/10/2021 14:07

All this LTB!! If you get rid you will have 9m old on your own 12/13 out of 14 nights of the fortnight forever!!!

How is that worse than putting up with being treated like this by a man who is actively costing the OP money? At least if they split she should get child support!