Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

How sad.

The OP has no intention of extracating herself from this awful relationship, hence the aggressive responses to honest replies.

God knows what this bloke will be up to in Ireland on his holiday/wedding as well.

[quote Overandonefor]**@Viviennemary* @meadowbleu* I didnt mean to go silent on the subject didnt see anyone ask - no he does not contribute anything rent wise. The plan between him and his parents was to help out with rent however he had been in and out of employment for a while and couldnt afford to. I know a big flaw of my dp is that he has never had a responsibility in his life before me and dc came along, and even though he was meant to help his parents out they never held him to that. Honestly he really can do no wrong for them. Its difficult because I know when they moved to their current house it was all under the pretence that dp would contribute otherwise they woudlnt be able to afford it. And I know how much they are now struggling financially, which was another reason why when dp tired to reassure me the wedding expenses would come from his parents I was shocked he could do that to them and not feel some type of way about it. But apparently they want him to go so as they said I shouldnt feel bad about borrowing lent money.

In terms of myself no I do not contribute and I feel horrible for it. I try to help out as much as I can around the house and offer things. But financially I simply cannot when I've been supporting dp, dc an myself![/quote]
So his pattern is to go broke himself and then drain everyone else around him too. And in a weird, Veruca Salt way, it almost isn't entirely his fault, because these people - his parents, you - get into financial situations with him that depend upon him being good with money even when you can plainly see his consistently terrible track record. How does one do such a number on people?

If you feel terrible about not contributing - and you should, not because it makes you a bad person but because it's insane that you should be wilfully allowing yourself and your child to be in this vulnerable and fucked up situation - then go back to work! I cannot understand why you won't. Nobody LIKES putting their children in nursery at first but assuming it's a good one, you soon see them thrive with the extra socialisation and guided, age appropriate learning...I actually think it's better for them to spend a bit of time away from you and with new people.

Your situation is absolute madness. Essentially homeless because you've no secure place, not working yet funding your bankrupt and useless partner from your personal savings. But it's ok because he's promised you he'll get his finances in order, like he told his parents when they bizarrely got a house they couldn't afford because their bankrupt son said he'd contribute?

And he says they'll pay for your wedding???

Do not marry him and make moves to establish your independence. This situation is crazy and when your money runs out it'll be even worse.

@Overthehillandfartaway actually if you read my replies you would see the only ones I'm getting frustrated at are the people who seemingly think it's okay to question a random woman into why she had a child in the first place which is extremely inappropriate and no one god damns business. My child is not struggling. My child is not missing out on things or has no clothes on their back or no food in their belly. My child is love and well care for. And to critique someone for why they gave birth in the first place for no reason that is bloody spiteful. My baby is my rainbow child and I love them with all my heart

@WhereIsMumHiding3 oh goodness you make it sound all so easy.

His parents have tried to help as much as they can financially. If anybody is getting a raw deal here it's his parents. They now have not only a feckless son but his wife and baby to subsidise. But some of it is their own making. They should absolutely not be encouraging him to spend money on holidays when he can't even pay for basic needs. All in all you would be better off out.

@Overthehillandfartaway

How sad.

The OP has no intention of extracating herself from this awful relationship, hence the aggressive responses to honest replies.

God knows what this bloke will be up to in Ireland on his holiday/wedding as well.

Because she's a freeloader and financially irresponsible herself and not quite mature enough to realise it yet.

My child is not struggling. My child is not missing out on things or has no clothes on their back or no food in their belly. My child is love and well care for. And to critique someone for why they gave birth in the first place for no reason that is bloody spiteful.
I don't think it is a good idea to plan a baby in this situation, it doesn't sound like baby was planned.
The baby is here now so do your best to provide financially and emotionally.
It is easy to blame him when you're both in this situation, living off people who raised their family.
Even if you don't see the DC is missing out.
Financially and emotionally whilst you're stressed dealing with DP, worrying about money, the DC is warm and fed thanks to his parents not their father.
I'm not trying to be mean, only you can change the situation.
HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. Not shouting just trying to be clear.

I agree, the op has no intention of getting out.

She wanted everyone to agree he shouldn't have done what he did over the wedding. She doesn't want to hear about the rest.

Also, either there's huge bits of info she isn't sharing or doesn't know, herself.

His entire wage going on debt and he isn't up to date on it? Moved in with his parents, telling them that if they got a bigger house, he would contribute? And doesn't? And moved op in after this? Or she was part of that decision making, knowing full well he wouldn't pay.

Op has, what must be a huge amount in savings, to clear some debts and get him out of trouble and to know that she can stop her toddler ever being impacted by his piss poor planning.

And she gets to be a sahm, rent & bolls free, hasn't thought of at least paying for her own rent there out of these huge savings.

The op isn't trapped by finances. She could move put if she wanted to. But she is also benefitting. So she wants to stay in the situation whilst being shocked.....that he is shit with money and getting them into a poor situation.

I don't doubt your love for your child but I doubt the security and suitability of the environment provided when you're pouring money down the drain with a deadbeat and refusing to replenish it, while living in completely insecure accommodation.

You both seem irresponsible to me. I can’t get over the fact that you spent £200 on winter baby clothes! What on earth? A couple of jumpers and a coat and hat don’t come to that amount. Did you buy second hand?

OP, you need to take responsibility for your part in it - you enable him and you seem to be stuck in this "woe is me" victim attitude instead of actually assessing your choices and taking action. You don't want to do anything to improve your situation, you just want to feel selfrightous and gather sympathy from posters. You won't find a job, you won't look for options to subsidise childcare, you won't stop paying for his share of stuff, you'll just bleat on about how hard it is. Grow up and make better choices for that poor baby.

OP, what's the plan when your savings run out ?

@Nightbringer LOL okay sweetheart

@JudgementalCactus clearly your pass time is just being a dick. Piss off mate

I'm done with this thread. Glad I gave you all a pass time and an outlet to pick on someone but that's not what I'm here for.

NO i did not know my partner wouldnt contribute the hell. This isnt reddit. Stop the conspiracies about my life. Unless I could foretell the future how was I to know my partner would lose his job and be unable to contribute.

NO I'm not quite happy sponging. Which I hardly am when all I've done is help THEIR son, supporting him financially whilst helping me and my child.

NO I dont have magical hidden savings. I literally have a couple of grand which is now a couple of hundred.

I'm done

Thanks for the crap advice and digs people.

ALSO NO MY CHILD WAS NOT PLANNED BUT THAT HAS NO RELEVANCE TO THIS. MY THREAD IS NOT ABOUT MY CHILD BEING HARD DONE BY BECAUSE MY CHILD HAS EVERYTHING THEY NEED.

NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO TELL ME WHETHER I SHOULD BE HAVING A CHILD OR NOT WHEN ALL IM DOING IS PROVIDING FOR THEM SO FUCK OFF

@Overandonefor

I'm done with this thread. Glad I gave you all a pass time and an outlet to pick on someone but that's not what I'm here for.

NO i did not know my partner wouldnt contribute the hell. This isnt reddit. Stop the conspiracies about my life. Unless I could foretell the future how was I to know my partner would lose his job and be unable to contribute.

NO I'm not quite happy sponging. Which I hardly am when all I've done is help THEIR son, supporting him financially whilst helping me and my child.

NO I dont have magical hidden savings. I literally have a couple of grand which is now a couple of hundred.

I'm done

Thanks for the crap advice and digs people.

You've had (and ignored) plenty of good advice whilst also avoiding many pertinent questions.

OP, it looks to me that a condition of you staying with him should be that you control the finances. And that all expenditure is agreed by both of you.
He NEEDS to get rid of the debt and it doesn't look like he can or wants to get rid of it by himself.

He may be a higher earner, but if he keeps losing or leaving jobs, ultimately you may end up earning more in a stable job.
He can take care of the baby.

I'm sorry you're upset.
There's lots of good advice on this thread.
There is no doubts about how much you love your baby.

NO i did not know my partner wouldnt contribute the hell. This isnt reddit. Stop the conspiracies about my life. Unless I could foretell the future how was I to know my partner would lose his job and be unable to contribute.

Theres no conspiracy. OK so you didn't know he was so shit with money until after he got somewhere with his parents and then later moved you in. What a shock!!! Why did you think you all had to live with his parents?

NO I'm not quite happy sponging. Which I hardly am when all I've done is help THEIR son, supporting him financially whilst helping me and my child.

But you haven't given them anything out your own pocket? You have savings where you guarantee your dd will never be impacted, financially by this.

NO I dont have magical hidden savings. I literally have a couple of grand which is now a couple of hundred.

Ah right, OK, a couple of grand and you have been living on it, for how long? And getting keep the wolves from the door for how long?

You said earlier, you do feel bad that you all live their rent free. Now you don't. You think you are helping him but you aren't. And that's not helping the parents pay the bills. Subbing their son isn't paying for your own roof.

Look, you don't want to hear it I get it. But your dd is impacted, because now here mothers saving are gone. Her mother has no way of making money in the near future. What happens next winter, for clothes for her?

People are trying to make you see, this situation can't last forever without impacting your dd.

As I said before, you are either not giving the full info or you don't actually know. Your defensiveness suggests, that you have realised you do not have the full story and you are further being played by him.

The best thing you can do, is get yourself on your feet financially and leave.

I have RTFT and now I know that the OP has £200 left - having spent "a couple of hundred" on baby clothes for winter - the one I am feeling sorry for here is the child.

OP and her partner both sound like children themselves, and I dare say it suits his parents in some odd way to facilitate this immature behaviour.

£200? When it was £2000? And still no plans to work?

I don't know what you wanted, OP. I agree some posters were unnecessary rude, but plenty offered you good advice and you're just determined to carry on as you are, though heaven knows how when the £200 has disappeared too.

If you are reading, look back over the good advice you've had, ignore the actual rude stuff. You literally cannot go on like this. The money won't let you.

@UnemotionalVelvet

I have RTFT and now I know that the OP has £200 left - having spent "a couple of hundred" on baby clothes for winter - the one I am feeling sorry for here is the child.

OP and her partner both sound like children themselves, and I dare say it suits his parents in some odd way to facilitate this immature behaviour.

Yes, I was about to give advice as my ex was similar to OP's partner with finances, and I am so glad I got out before he got to my savings. But reading her replies, I don't see the point.

My DP wouldn't go unless DC and I were there.

Tbh traipising up to the wedding,long journey etc not such a big deal to not go
His financial ineptitude is big issue, he’s unable to budget and then ,it’s about it
He’s not paying a contribution to the groceries you all eat. He leaves you to sort it.

You’re getting an unnecessarily hard time and I think it’s taken posters off at a tangent

You know usually when someone posts they’re a sahm it receives positive posts as in
they’re only little for a short time.
Ardest job in the world
You’re unfortunately receiving some critical and personal posts that miss the point your dp is immature and shit with Money

Goodness, his parents are barely scraping by and chose their house based on his promise of helping with the rent, and now he "can't" help with the rent and they STILL want him to spend money on a nonessential wedding trip? Now we know where he learned his terrible money management skills.

OP, I know this is a tough situation but someone has to be the adult here and at this time it looks like you are that person. If you feel like it's impossible to move out then can you get a weekend part-time job while your DP or his parents are home from work to watch the baby?