Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

[Overandonefor]

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

You don't need to buy clothes for your baby - go on your local nextdoor, freecycle and freegle and ask.

The weekend away wouldn't bother me. Everything else he does would. He doesnt sound like someone i could respect or want to be with. There's no respect for you and no example being set for your child and this is something you need to sort before you get married or decide to finish it.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who thought so little of me as to have the baliffs at the door and not care enough to ensure it doesnt happen again.

Him leaving you and a 9 month old for weekend is not unreasonable and also not what you should be focusing on.

Was he in debt before you got pregnant? Has he always been so piss poor with money? Is he usually a liar? Those are much much bigger issues.

1. There's nothing wrong with one parent going away for a weekend when there's a nine month old baby.

1. No one should go away for a weekend under any circumstances if they can't afford to feed themselves and clothe their child.

He's a complete parasite. He's a drowning man and he'll pull you down with him.

I bet he has more debt than you even know about.

He has no intentions of fixing his financial situation or changing his ways. You will always be in financial trouble if you stick with him.

Voice of experience here.

then I guess I'll have to just get over myself

Literally no one is saying to do that. This man and this relationship are a bloody disaster, you know that. You have the power to do something about it, do it.

I would be really annoyed too. My oh used to do things a bit like this (no debt tho) and I used to feel exactly as you do as regards putting dc first and foremost as I did. I think your first priority is to get his debt manageable. Could you look at bankruptcy or an Iva? Could his parents pay off his debts and he pays them a reasonable amount each month? Until his debt is under control and he’s not robbing Peter to pay Paul things are not going to get better

Money issues aside I wouldn't be bothered if DH chose to go to a wedding for the weekend and leave me with the kids. He wanted you to go, and weddings are a special occasion so at least let him go.

But, you shouldn't be bankrolling it. To be honest it doesn't sound like your in a good relationship, debt, lying etc. You need to have a think about what you want as sounds like you both have different priorities

You are already paying and sorting things for your baby - what exactly is he adding to your lives? I think you need to think really hard about what sort of future you want for you and your child. You sound like a really lovely hard working mother - you deserve better than what you are accepting as OK now. Find someone to treasure you.

@elbea being deployed and going to a wedding for a piss up is abit different

@Embroidery being controlling how? I must of missed the part I was being controlling

@lazylinguist that's the thing he never actually said "are you okay if I go for the 3 days" so i dont feel like it was an agreement but more rather i am going and an expectancy for me to deal with it

It is absolutely entirely fine for a parent to be away from the family for a short break, even if they are getting on a plane.

It is respectful for them to discuss this with their partner first and check that they are happy to do all the childcare during this time, though if their partner says "well you can go on your own" I would think that pretty much covers it.

The rest of it - why are you wasting time on this loser? N.B. there's no need for you to tell me off like you've told everyone else off for stating the bleeding obvious...

run OP run far away from him.

Leave him to drown in his own debt don't let him drag you down with him.

Leave him and open a CMS claim. and live a happy debt free life.

You need to read your post. The answers there.

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

You would be better off without him. Your money would only have to fund you and your baby, not him. You would be entitled to more financial help from benefits and maintenance could be taken directly from his wage to you. His debts are his problem.

He will never prioritise your child, so you need to.

@Overandonefor

Guess my point is if it was a wedding in the country I would understand more. The fact that he is going away on a plane is crazy to me

This isn't your issue, in the slightest. A flight will be 40 mins max. A train, depending on where you are, could be 6-8 hours and would be more expensive. If you were all going to Wales you wouldn't say "oh we're all going to another country.

Ultimately, he isn't unreasonable to go to a wedding on his own.

You said you didn't mind him going alone.
You point blank refused to go.

The issues are the lying, the spending money you don't have, the expecting you to bail him out.
He has no respect for you. He doesn't support you and your baby.

I'd recommend you get back into work ASAP. What happens when your savings all run out?

I bet he has more debt than you even know about

I think anyone thinking otherwise would be massively niave. Of course he has more debt, they always have more debt.

Bitter voice of experience here too although not my partner. Someone once told me people with debt underestimate it by approximately 50 % and in most cases it's proven to be pretty accurate.

If he says he has 5ks worth of debt for example the reality will be much closer to 10k than 5.

Excessively spending money on baby clothes isn't great if that's what you meant. You shouldn't have to go without and it's not a good pattern to get into. Do you think you are trying to overcompensate in regards to spending on the baby? It's nice to have nice things but what you and the baby need is financial security, your savings will dwindle soon enough and you know you can't rely on her father to act in her best interests.

Wouldn't you be better off living with your little baby alone getting benefits until you found a job and be out of this relationship? You are essentially supporting all three of you and he's been deceitful to you? Why don't you just end the relationship and do what's best for you mentally and financially?

This man is a cocklodger, find a job and then get rid of him.

OP. What do you like about him? What does he bring to your life and that of your child? Obviously I am a stranger on the internet but it sounds like you deserve much more than this. Try to value yourself x

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

I'd wager the OP would be significantly more financially stable as a single parent than by staying with this man wouldn't you?

@Embroidery

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

Not necessarily. There are some very successful, financially stable single moms.

We don't know where OP's savings came from or what her qualifications are or previous employment was.

Not all single parents rely solely on UC. In fact I'd say a large proportion dont.

What an absolute disaster.

He's a twat but you've been way too passive in this. The wedding isn't an issue per se, it's how bad he is with money, how selfish he is with money and how you're not any kind of team/partnership when it comes to making financial decisions. If he does go to the wedding use the time without him to do some serious soul searching because this could easily be the rest of your life.