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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

401 replies

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:31

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

OP posts:
aloris · 08/10/2021 14:17

"When I told them what he did in terms of lying and borrowing my own money to save himself all his dm had to say about that is "well he felt he couldnt approach you because you'd be upset about it" "

Wow, sorry his parents are rationalizing his lies. This man is taking food out of your child's mouth so he can go to a fun party and lying to you to do so. It's just so wrong.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 14:17

@Embroidery

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

What do you think ops current situation is? A life time of s rapping by whilst he gets into bigger and bigger debt
Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:17

@girlmom21 my savings came from family and myself over time. Previously I've worked in animal healthcare and would love to get back into that again.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 08/10/2021 14:18

What outcome do you want here OP?

It sounds like you want him to be the solvent, dedicated family man who would put his struggling family ahead of a random wedding pissup, but he's not that kind of man nor can you mould him into it - particularly when it sounds like his whole family are happy to enable him even if it means he's a shit dad.

I'd love to have a solution for you here, but there isn't one. He will always prioritise himself. He will use his salary as he wishes because he knows you won't neglect your child so will dip into your little bit of savings to buy winter clothes and shoes. And when that's finally melted away on you, he'll be an absolute arse to you. He'll happily see you literally barefoot while buying himself high-end shoes 'because he works hard' or some such shite. And you'll have no running-away fund to pay for a months rent and deposit because he'll have you on the bones of your arse.

And you aren't married so you've no security as a SAHM - on the bright side though you aren't joinly liable for his debts either. But if he say, met an old flame at this wedding and decided to break up with you, just assess how potentially fucked your life might be financially. Then make sure that you take steps to ensure you will never be dependant on him.

So that's what others are saying when they say you've bigger problems than this wedding. A good partner and father would look at the costs of a weekend like this and think 'nope, we need to save this for car insurance/ nursery fees /electricity bill' and send the couple a nice card with his regrets.

He won't stop being irresponsible with money, he'll just get better at hiding it.

FatBettyintheCoop · 08/10/2021 14:18

What a catch! Wasting money on flights to attend a wedding (and god knows how much extra he’ll throw down the drain boozing), when you’re up to your ears in debt with a partner and baby to support, is so hideously irresponsible, it’s actually quite depressing.

The financial situation is a serious problem because he clearly isn’t financially responsible and are you prepared to effectively be a single parent to your little one, always living on the breadline whilst your ‘D’P squanders what little money he has?

I had a ‘partner’ like that but luckily I was young and child free and came to my senses and ended it.

Being a good dad isn’t about tickling the baby’s feet and changing the odd nappy. He should be putting his own family’s needs before his desire to go partying and pushing money up the wall.

He’s a LOSER. You can do better!

HoppingPavlova · 08/10/2021 14:18

I don’t see any issue whatsoever with one parent going to a wedding over a long weekend. Whether they be mum or dad. I don’t believe one should stay home and miss it ‘on principle’.

I see every issue with a parent going if they can’t afford to contribute to housing/clothing/feeding their kids. If they don’t have money for they, they don’t have money to take themselves away on a long weekend for a wedding.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 14:19

[quote Overandonefor]@elbea being deployed and going to a wedding for a piss up is abit different

@Embroidery being controlling how? I must of missed the part I was being controlling

@lazylinguist that's the thing he never actually said "are you okay if I go for the 3 days" so i dont feel like it was an agreement but more rather i am going and an expectancy for me to deal with it[/quote]
So tell him he's right, it's important re family my so he can take the baby with him

Original poster
Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 14:19

To all of you saying ltb I have tried. I've have been constantly denied places because they wont accept my dss and my council said the waiting list for rehoming can be a matter or 2 to 3 years. I am stuck even though I had my depoist money and a guarantor

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 08/10/2021 14:19

You have/had savings are are being used to bankroll you all because he is shit with money.

Those savings could haven given you and DC opportunities.

Instead you are dwindling them to pay for a man.

No way would I sacrifice money that could benefit my DC money in that way.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/10/2021 14:19

He sounds like a complete and utter loser who will only ever drag you and your child down. You’re insane to try and maintain the facade of a relationship with someone who clearly gives zero fucks about you and your child and doesn’t even have the self respect to function as a responsible adult. Ditch him and look towards a brighter future.

BananaBlue · 08/10/2021 14:20

Where are you living now? Can you not stay with him leaving?

lazylinguist · 08/10/2021 14:20

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

Did you miss the bit where OP is having to spend all her own money on her child and financially support her waster of a partner? She's scraping by now and he's making that worse not better!

roarfeckingroarr · 08/10/2021 14:20

How can you have any respect for someone so financially reckless? Christ no. The locks would be changed while he was away if I were in your situ.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/10/2021 14:21

You need to go to the council qnd say that you are homeless. It will be awful in the short-term.

But you need to leave him

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 14:21

@Overandonefor

To all of you saying ltb I have tried. I've have been constantly denied places because they wont accept my dss and my council said the waiting list for rehoming can be a matter or 2 to 3 years. I am stuck even though I had my depoist money and a guarantor
Can't you rent privately or stay with family? Surely anything is better than continuing to fund this useless man.
roarfeckingroarr · 08/10/2021 14:21

You need to get a job OP because he isn't going to take care of you at all.

Jumpingintochristmas · 08/10/2021 14:22

Whether he goes or not is no longer the issue, for some reason or another he is choosing to go. Your choice is now, as it was when you last posted, to ask yourself of you want this life for you and your child? I personally would walk away.

viques · 08/10/2021 14:22

@Overandonefor

Okay everyone. Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going. The money situation I know is a complete and different thread. But as I said I am not lending or funding him anymore. As long as I find out he didnt pay for his suit behind my back and actually borrows the money like he says this time then I guess I'll have to just get over myself and try to not spend the whole weekend he is away drinking and practically having a mini holiday away from our baby not seething about it Smile
But you are funding him. Who pays for the food bill? Who isn’t contributing to buying winter clothes for your child? Every time you have an expense that isn’t shared equally then you are funding him.
girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 14:22

@Overandonefor

To all of you saying ltb I have tried. I've have been constantly denied places because they wont accept my dss and my council said the waiting list for rehoming can be a matter or 2 to 3 years. I am stuck even though I had my depoist money and a guarantor
Are you privately renting at the moment?
girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 14:23

[quote Overandonefor]@girlmom21 my savings came from family and myself over time. Previously I've worked in animal healthcare and would love to get back into that again.[/quote]
I'd strongly recommend starting to look for work ASAP.

Jumpingintochristmas · 08/10/2021 14:24

I have just seen your last post. Are you tied to this exact area? No job, do you have family support?

Whydidimarryhim · 08/10/2021 14:24

He taking you for a fool and your acting a fool.
You said you had no monies for clothes for the baby - then you said you spent a couple of hundred on clothes for the baby.
You both sound poor with money.
You need shit hot boundaries. Consequences.
You need a job for you.
He has debt you say.
Welcome to your future if you stay with this turd.

Polmuggle · 08/10/2021 14:25

@Overandonefor

To all of you saying ltb I have tried. I've have been constantly denied places because they wont accept my dss and my council said the waiting list for rehoming can be a matter or 2 to 3 years. I am stuck even though I had my depoist money and a guarantor
So kick him out, or at least get back to work to help you build up your ability to leave.

If he's using all his money to pay debts, and his debt is still increasing, this is only ever going to get worse.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 14:25

@Embroidery

Whikst being a single parent is no one's ideal situation. It's a fuck ton better than ruining your credit score, robbing Peter to pay Paul and constantly having to beg borrow and steal to pay off debts you didn't have a hand in creating.

Oh yes I forgot how financially comfortable single mums are. And that £20 less a week now has made no difference either! (#sarcasm)
It's a lifetime of scrapping by, FFS.

And a lifetime of a man who's in debts to his ears, actively makes bad decisions that make it worse and lies to you to get YOUR money? That's the route to comfort?

What would Martin Lewis say?

takealettermsjones · 08/10/2021 14:26

Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house with this man. Don't open a joint account. Don't even go halves on a takeaway.

You need to leave him. If the waiting lists are long, fine. Get yourself on them. You'll be waiting even longer the more you put it off.

Don't give him any more of your savings. You need them.

Take steps to split your finances if you haven't already. If you're both on a tenancy or rental agreement, get some advice on how to protect your credit (CAB can usually help, or some charities provide financial advice).

You haven't said how old you are OP? Do you have family support?