Page 2 | Dp wants to leave me and baby for a wedding?

FangsForTheMemory · 08/10/2021 13:44

The issue is not the wedding, it's that he is immature about finances and expects you to bankroll him. I wouldn't stay with someone who put having fun for a weekend - which is what this is about - above food and clothes for his child and partner.

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 13:44

[quote Overandonefor]@TinnedPotatoesRock care to elaborate?[/quote]
I know you didn't ask me, but it's obvious. Look at your OP. No money skills, lies to you about money - both how he plans to get it and why he wants to "borrow" yours - no understanding of why you can't go to the wedding, and you unable to have a discussion with him because it'll become an argument and he'll turn it on you.

I'd usually say you're vulnerable as an unmarried SAHM but he's got nothing but debts and crap money management to his name so in this case it may not be a bad thing that you're not married. But I do think you need to go back to work, because you can't rely on him for money or anything else.

Original poster

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:46

Okay everyone. Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going. The money situation I know is a complete and different thread. But as I said I am not lending or funding him anymore. As long as I find out he didnt pay for his suit behind my back and actually borrows the money like he says this time then I guess I'll have to just get over myself and try to not spend the whole weekend he is away drinking and practically having a mini holiday away from our baby not seething about it

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mewkins · 08/10/2021 13:46

He is dragging you down. I guess you aren't married and don't have a house together? Get out quick. He isn't your responsibility.

Ughmaybenot · 08/10/2021 13:46

You’re making a huge mistake in believing there is any sort of a happy future with this man. You’d be better off leaving him now. He doesn’t care about you in the slightest nor does he have any respect for you or your family unit.

StormyTeacups · 08/10/2021 13:46

You told him to go without you, so him going without you isn't the issue. His financial foolhardiness is.

LIZS · 08/10/2021 13:46

The trouble is your not minding about helping him out now and then, effectively keeping the wolf from his door, has meant he now takes it for granted and avoids consequences.

FuckingFlumps · 08/10/2021 13:47

@PomegranateQueen

I agree with *@TinnedPotatoesRock*, the wedding is the least of your worries. My advice is to get yourself back to work and rebuild your financial independence, being a SAHM in these circumstances puts you and your child in a very vulnerable situation.

I agree honestly him attending the wedding is a very small problem when compared to the much bugger problems of him being financially incompetent, lying to you, opting out of parenting and not respecting you.

He got exactly what he wanted and you're left paying for it and holding the baby whilst he goes merrily along pissing your money away acting like he's got no responsibilities.

I would be making plans to leave. Be honest can you reasonably see this situation getting any better?

Blossomtoes · 08/10/2021 13:47

@Cofifeefee

It wouldn't bother me if dh went to a wedding on his own if we had a 9 month old. The weekend would just upset the baby's routine.

It would hugely bother me if his going meant that he expected me to borrow money for him.

This. Going to a wedding without you is the least of your worries. I’d be focusing on the financial abuse if I were you.

Justcallmebebes · 08/10/2021 13:49

I too agree with TinnedPotatoes. He sounds like an irresponsible sponger with no respect for you whatsoever

DrSbaitso · 08/10/2021 13:49

@Overandonefor

Okay everyone. Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going. The money situation I know is a complete and different thread. But as I said I am not lending or funding him anymore. As long as I find out he didnt pay for his suit behind my back and actually borrows the money like he says this time then I guess I'll have to just get over myself and try to not spend the whole weekend he is away drinking and practically having a mini holiday away from our baby not seething about it

Eh? Did you read the responses?

Stop with the cheery smilies and pretending you don't care about the happy holiday he's having that you're bankrolling and can't afford either.

You're clearly upset and angry, and so you should be. Stop squashing it under happy smiling faces and take control of it. He's treating you like crap, you know it and there are no morality points to be scored in being happy and fluffy about it.

Why do women do this? Do you think he would?

InTheLabyrinth · 08/10/2021 13:50

I dont think going to a wedding on his own per se is a problem. BUT all the stuff that comes with it - the money, the way he went about it, the way he has communicated with you about it are all awful.

So, I think you are both BU. But him massively so, you slightly.

TheWoleb · 08/10/2021 13:51

What made either of you think that having a child was a good idea? You cant afford it.

You're unemployed. He is in massive debt so all the "family money" from his salary is going to pay off debt. And now he is spending your dwindling savings on a weekend away.

How old are you both? Because you sounds like children.

This guy is a total waster. You were an idiot to give up your job and have a child with him because you're trapped. It's going to be a million times harder to leave him now that you've spent your savings.

You're going to have to find a way to get enough money together to get away from him. Call CMS and them he will have to start paying towards the kid. He can sort out his debt on his own.

Quartz2208 · 08/10/2021 13:52

I agree with DrSbaitso how on earth did you get that from the responses.

The responses are telling you have far bigger issues than him choosing to go to this wedding and having a break away from you

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 08/10/2021 13:52

First of all do not marry this man

Make sure your finances are separate-protect your money for you and your DC. Whose name is on the lease?

Don't give this lying man child another cent.

He has lied about money before and showed you who he is-you are too good to waste your life on him!!!!

CanofCant · 08/10/2021 13:52

This man isn't your partner, he's a millstone around your neck.

YANBU to seethe that he's fucked off on a jolly without a second thought for you, I agree with the others that you should use this time to make plans to separate.

He doesn't give a shit and he will grind you down. Stand firm on your decision to stop bailing him out financially. You and your baby need that money, he's already proven himself to be unable and unwilling to provide for his child.

JudgementalCactus · 08/10/2021 13:53

@TheWoleb

What made either of you think that having a child was a good idea? You cant afford it.

You're unemployed. He is in massive debt so all the "family money" from his salary is going to pay off debt. And now he is spending your dwindling savings on a weekend away.

How old are you both? Because you sounds like children.

This guy is a total waster. You were an idiot to give up your job and have a child with him because you're trapped. It's going to be a million times harder to leave him now that you've spent your savings.

You're going to have to find a way to get enough money together to get away from him. Call CMS and them he will have to start paying towards the kid. He can sort out his debt on his own.

Imma guess either oopsie baby or relationship bandaid baby

Original poster

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:54

@DrSbaitso I don't think you quite caught onto my sarcasm! I am in no way happy about it but my initial question was is he being unreasonable for going and people have said no. Yes I am fuming that he couldnt contribute a penny towards buying his baby clothes but will somehow pull ahundred out of his ass ( or parents) to fund what HE WANTS. I already pulled him up on this. He clearly can get money when he wants it. And spends it whether he should or shouldnt. But he didnt see the problem and just called me spiteful doe calling him out on it. His parents think he is perfectly in his right to do this because they want him to go as much as he wants to. When I told them what he did in terms of lying and borrowing my own money to save himself all his dm had to say about that is "well he felt he couldnt approach you because you'd be upset about it" well yes of course I would! Which oh by the way the was he excuse for lying and not telling me for weeks. He said because he knew I'd blow up and it's my fault he feels like he cant tell me things. HA!

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SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2021 13:56

He was BU to lie to get you to give him money to pay for his travel

He is BU to go when he can't afford to keep his child

You then said fine go, but I'm not. It backfired because he's still going. You basically consented to him going without you both.

So yes, YABU on the tiny issue that he is doing what you said he could and you don't like it.

But that's not the issue.

He can't afford to live. You have eaten into your savings and have no job. He's going away on a jolly presumably accruing more debt.

Both of you are acting like ostrichs

Embroidery · 08/10/2021 13:56

Hes a adult and has a reasonable right to go to what he wants to, as do you.
If you split he will be doing his own thing all week every week and every other weekend.
Youre too controlling.

Carboncheque · 08/10/2021 13:56

’Thanks for the reality check. Guess he isnt being out of order for going’

Where did you get that???

It’s part of a pattern of behaviour where he’s spending money he doesn’t have and expecting you to financially support him. He isn’t supporting his child, he’s in debt and still spending and you’re using up your savings on supporting everyone because he won’t take any responsibility.

whatsthpoint · 08/10/2021 13:57

@Overandonefor

Want to know who is being the unreasonable one about this.

So I posted on here before about this situation. Dp me and baby have been invited to a wedding in Scotland. We are in england. We are currently broke. I have been using all my savings to pay for our expenses as dp has debt and 99% of his money goes towards him.

We had a massive argument about how I felt it was inappropriate to go this wedding when he couldnt even afford to buy his dc clothes. The wedding will be over a long weekend so will consist of: travel expenses, food cost, outfits for all 3 of us, present for the newly weds. I would like to add the wedding isnt relatives but someone that his family consider a relative and has ties to.

Anyways we had massive MASSIVE fallout and rows. He promised me he would ask his parents for the money to cover travel so I shouldnt have to worry. Lone behold I found out he lied, paid for the ticket out of his own pocket and got himself backed up with payments and then proceeded to ask me to borrow money to clear his ass (which I lent as i didnt know at the time what it was for). I nearly broke up with him for his financial selfishness whilst he was letting me rinse my savings he had gone behind my back and done what he promised he wouldnt.

Anyways.... we've gotten over that and I've told him me and dc will not be going to the wedding despite him going on about how important it is for him we show up as a family. I simply cannot afford it. My savings were for our depoist and I've slowly eaten into it (im unemployed and a sahm) so that money meant alot to me. I've told dp I will respect if he wants to go but he should also do the same.

Now here is the thing. As the wedding slowly approaches I've started to realise that dp has effectively chosen to leave me and dc behind. DC is only 9 months. If dc was a toddler I would understand. But am I right to feel annoyed that he has happily chosen to have a long weekend out of the country and leave us behind. His other family members wouldnt think to go without their families. It annoys me even more that his parents are promoting this to him. If I was to bring it up with him not only would it encounter another horrible argument but he would put it on me and most likely say well no one is telling you not to come so you picked this. I know what he is like. He has no sense of responsibility and will make it all on me.

So who is being the unreasonable one here? Me or him?

It 'annoys' you? Wake up

Sunshinegirl82 · 08/10/2021 13:57

What sort of a future can you possibly have with this man? He has no respect for, he is allowing you to keep him afloat financially while he continues to make reckless and irresponsible financial decisions, he is (literally) leaving you holding the baby to go in the piss with his family (who it seems think this is all fine?!) with your money.

Do you want to live with someone who you absolutely cannot trust? I cannot see what value this person is adding to your life?

FangsForTheMemory · 08/10/2021 13:58

Please tell us that when he gets back you'll have put his stuff in a binbag outside the front door and changed the locks.

Original poster

Overandonefor · 08/10/2021 13:58

@JudgementalCactus oh your username suits you nicely

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