Is there a stigma in dating single mothers?

adatingquestion · 2021-10-07T15:27:18+00:00

Not British, so need some cultural guidance. Also probably quite unexperienced relationship wise, so apologies in advance for a stupid question. Someone I have been dating for a couple of months now (my first relationship after a couple of years spent single), said that he is unsure about how to introduce me to his friends and family, as being in a relationship with a single mother is likely to raise quite a few eyebrows. For clarity, I did not press him or raise this topic, he just said it when we were discussing friendships in general. I asked why, but he just kept changing the topic without giving a specific answer. I thought this was going well - progressed organically from just casually knowing each other to friends and then to romance - but now unsure. And, to be honest, almost on the brink of quitting this relationship. He does not have children himself, I have two (quite young), and the relationship is light years away from them being introduced. My question is whether he hinted that there's some sort of a general stigma, or could he have meant something like "I have never been paternal so they'd be surprised"?

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 16:30

Yes I would say so. Especially if they don’t have kids themselves, most posters advise women against dating single fathers especially if they don’t have kids themselves I’ve seen it on her loads of times, so I can imagine the same is said to men.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2021 16:30

What stigma? There are millions of single parents in the U.K., if that’s where you are, and a lot of them date.

He sounds like he’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself, self conscious or grateful he’s being nice enough to date someone who’s got children.

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:32

He sounds like he’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself, self conscious or grateful he’s being nice enough to date someone who’s got children.
Yes, that's what I got a whiff of. Maybe combining it with some other things he said at other times, it did feel a bit like "you are not good enough for my circle". Or I am massively overthinking this.

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Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:32

@TurnUpTurnip

Yes I would say so. Especially if they don’t have kids themselves, most posters advise women against dating single fathers especially if they don’t have kids themselves I’ve seen it on her loads of times, so I can imagine the same is said to men.

Ah yes, this might be the case.

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stealthninjamum · 07/10/2021 16:33

I think there can be a stigma, however when I was online dating I wasn’t short of interested men (although obviously many were weird / faulty not because I’m a single mum).

I would to find out his reasons and if he can’t be more specific you might want to end it. Your partner should be proud to introduce you to his family and friends (mine was.)

lboogy · 07/10/2021 16:34

Let's not pretend there isn't a stigma about single mothers. E.g you make poor life choices, hence being a single mum. I'm not saying that I agree by the way.

Plus for men or women - stepping in as a parent is fraught with difficulties with the kids and the ex.

I think it was insensitive of your new man to tell you eyebrows would be raised though. But I'm
Surprised you are surprised that it's an issue

TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 16:37

There is a stigma, people won’t tell you there is on here possibly to make you not feel bad but there is, I remember typing something into google once and the suggested posts (for what people had searched for) was “why are single mums easy/ why are single mums desperate/ why are single mums so bitter” out of curiosity I replaced mum with dad and it came up with “why are single dads so attractive” I don’t think most people if there honest would want their sons to date a single mum.

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:37

I think it was insensitive of your new man to tell you eyebrows would be raised though. But I'm Surprised you are surprised that it's an issue
I wasn't sure about how it is in the UK. It is my first attempt dating as a single parent here.

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Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:38

@TurnUpTurnip

There is a stigma, people won’t tell you there is on here possibly to make you not feel bad but there is, I remember typing something into google once and the suggested posts (for what people had searched for) was “why are single mums easy/ why are single mums desperate/ why are single mums so bitter” out of curiosity I replaced mum with dad and it came up with “why are single dads so attractive”

I don’t think most people if there honest would want their sons to date a single mum.

Yes, thank you. I want honesty, not sugar coating.

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Homemadearmy · 07/10/2021 16:39

I think it's more of a stigma if no one in the group has children.

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:43

@Homemadearmy

I think it's more of a stigma if no one in the group has children.

He is late 50s, I think some people in his friendship group even have grandchildren.

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Pretzelcoatl · 07/10/2021 16:43

Male here, also not from the UK.

The stigma, such as it is, is the baggage that comes with the kids.

Meaning, you’re not getting into a relationship just with the person, but also with each child and possibly the other parents of those children.

It hasn’t stopped me, unless the woman is literally looking for someone to immediately financially secure her and her kids’ lives (I’ve had this happen more than once, but thankfully it showed up quickly enough that I didn’t get tangled), but I don’t take on parenting roles beyond what any adult friend would do.

In other words, OP, don’t worry about it. If he’s okay with the relationship and is interested in introducing you to his people, then it’s fine. You’re not dating someone who has a problem with it.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 16:44

If the person wasn’t British - some culture have a stigma against ‘used goods’ including divorcees and single mothers.

If they’re British though then it’s probably to do with the additional responsibility they’re taking on. If my son was young I would raise my eyebrows at him being burdened with children so early.

Of course a more charitable interpretation is that the person is not what his friends deem as ‘responsible’ hence would raise eyebrows

DamnUserName21 · 07/10/2021 16:45

@TurnUpTurnip

There is a stigma, people won’t tell you there is on here possibly to make you not feel bad but there is, I remember typing something into google once and the suggested posts (for what people had searched for) was “why are single mums easy/ why are single mums desperate/ why are single mums so bitter” out of curiosity I replaced mum with dad and it came up with “why are single dads so attractive”

I don’t think most people if there honest would want their sons to date a single mum.

Completely agree with this!

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 16:46

X-posted OP!
In his case then it’s probably to do with being a second father!
This is stupid though people don’t raise their eyebrows when an older man marries a younger woman and has babies with her. Why the judgement if he dates a single mother? So strange

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:47

@Pretzelcoatl

Male here, also not from the UK.

The stigma, such as it is, is the baggage that comes with the kids.

Meaning, you’re not getting into a relationship just with the person, but also with each child and possibly the other parents of those children.

It hasn’t stopped me, unless the woman is literally looking for someone to immediately financially secure her and her kids’ lives (I’ve had this happen more than once, but thankfully it showed up quickly enough that I didn’t get tangled), but I don’t take on parenting roles beyond what any adult friend would do.

In other words, OP, don’t worry about it. If he’s okay with the relationship and is interested in introducing you to his people, then it’s fine. You’re not dating someone who has a problem with it.

Yes, it makes sense. Thanks! I was aware of the overall "benefits scrounger" stereotype, but did not think it extends to the dating scene. I make multiples of what he does (and we are both in professional roles), so at least I hope it is not because I would be perceived as a gold-digger by his circle.

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TurnUpTurnip · 07/10/2021 16:49

Just to add to my post I am a single mum myself, but I remember before I had my child I knew I was going to be a single parent as I was single and pregnant and I asked a few male friends (before telling them I was pregnant) If they would date a single mum and they told me they would sleep with one but wouldn’t date her. I was so shocked at how they openly admitted it!

ThreeLittleDots · 07/10/2021 16:49

I think, especially given your age difference, the subtext of his comment to you may have possibly been:-

'you are not good enough to be a full part of my life'

But unless you ask him exactly what he meant by it, you will never know for sure.

Crunchingleaf · 07/10/2021 16:50

I think there can be a stigma, depending on age and perhaps religion of relatives or even where you live.
I sometimes think that there is more judgment when there is multiple kids (especially different dads) and if woman doesn’t have a career. I personally never felt judged by others as a single mother but have witnessed other single mothers being judged especially if they have council house etc.

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:50

@TractorAndHeadphones

If the person wasn’t British - some culture have a stigma against ‘used goods’ including divorcees and single mothers.

If they’re British though then it’s probably to do with the additional responsibility they’re taking on. If my son was young I would raise my eyebrows at him being burdened with children so early.

Of course a more charitable interpretation is that the person is not what his friends deem as ‘responsible’ hence would raise eyebrows

Yes, they are white British, in census terminology. Not super young either.

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CoughingInAisle15 · 07/10/2021 16:51

I don’t know if I’d describe it as a stigma but some men would prefer not to date someone who already has children. To be honest, it sort of works both ways - some women would prefer not to date a man who already has children.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 16:51

@DamnUserName21 the single dads attractive is probably all the single dads searching themselves 😡
Or maybe that they can get away with playing Disney dad.

I personally wouldn’t mind my children dating someone who HAD children - but only if they were ready to take on the responsibility.

Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:53

@CoughingInAisle15

I don’t know if I’d describe it as a stigma but some men would prefer not to date someone who already has children. To be honest, it sort of works both ways - some women would prefer not to date a man who already has children.

Well, he's already dating me, so clearly did not have any massive reservations about this. It is just "making it public" bit that I am a bit worried about now - clearly he had thought about it and it is a problem.

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Original poster

adatingquestion · 07/10/2021 16:55

@ThreeLittleDots

I think, especially given your age difference, the subtext of his comment to you may have possibly been:-

'you are not good enough to be a full part of my life'

But unless you ask him exactly what he meant by it, you will never know for sure.

Yes, that's what I am afraid of too. I asked then on the spot what he means exactly, and just got some hand waving and "well, there's nothing wrong with you personally" vague answer.

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TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 16:55

OP did you choose to have the children yourself? How old were you? Who’s the children’s father?
Honestly the best way is to ask him what he means by that but I don’t know if they would judge you for being a older mum or something.

The ‘single mum’ stigma usually comes from assuming that a woman was feckless and had children without thinking (which is blatantly untrue of course). But if you’re a professional woman - I fail to see how it reflects badly! Except for him trying to take responsibility.

Also in your OP you mentioned him not being paternal. That could also be true. I have many friends who are terrible with kids (and people in general) swore they’d never have kids. If they started dating a single mum I’d be ???? OTOH several men have become dads unexpectedly and turned out not bad

Just ask him in a casual way could be an innocent explanation!